Life can be dark.

Life is often so dark & lonely

Not because we are alone but because we haven’t met our better half

The one that makes life suddenly feel bright

The one that gives us the future we never saw coming

The one who makes our heart, mind & body sing

When you came this is what I saw

When you stayed this is what I believe

My future is no longer lonely or dark

The energy.

By the feel of the energy I know someone is there

Someone is not really the way to explain it

I know the energy, I know I am not alone, I know the energy does not mean harm, but there it is

I can feel someone behind me, feel their hand on my shoulder 

No, just breathe you know there is nothing there

Just a feeling of not being alone, of being afraid of the unknown 

But what is that smell? Like pipe tobacco or cigarettes mixed together 

There are two energies I feel, this seems all so wrong, it is so unsettling 

I must be rational, must not let this shake me, I must be strong, ignore what I feel 

I am starting to panic, I can feel it rising up, my breath is quicker & I start to sweat

All of a sudden the energy changes, there is a third there, another energy 

The smell gets stronger, Brandi, cigarettes, pipe tobacco & scotch fill my nose

As I stand there trying not to panic, a very familiar set of arms embrace me & calm me

Then two more join those arms, & then another two 

In my mind I can see clearly who it is, my family of elders who have passed on

Came back to check, to make sure me & mine are doing well.

Let it be.

Just let it go

There are some things that cannot be fixed

Life is not easy

Life is not always fair

To let go of one you love

Who guided you

Loved you

And provided you with lifelong tools

It is hard to let go

To see them float away

If they have been suffering

Let this bring you some peace

Let it bring you some comfort

To know they are now at peace

They will always be around you

In spirit they will be

Living in your heart & mind

Giving advice when it is needed most

Never doubt you were loved

Just look at how they adored you

Take some joy from this

Then let it go.

If only we could let it go.

If we were made of water, our tides would come & go

The rips would change day to day, never knowing where to next

We would always be together, shaping rocks as we crash into them

Shaping the cliffs out of our emotions 

We would just crash up against each other in the waves 

Knowing that once we have let it out, the storm will pass us by

The sand will come & go, always changing with the storms

The bottom is scared by all the storms that have since passed 

Water is so unpredictable, you never know when a whirlpool will appear

The only thing you know for sure, water will always change

Water will always be connected, always riding out the storm.

Mother’s Love

Mother’s Love

There are so many ways that you have shown me

Shown me how to be the best version of me I can be

Not just by telling me or reminding me

By living & doing by example to show me it can be done

I know we are so different in so many ways

You have always known that I needed more time & care then most

You understood that my brain is not like others

You may not understand how it why

You have taken the time to understand in your way

To make sure you be the best mother to me

This is not easy, it is a bumpy road

We both know that the issues I face

Are very different from anything you know

You still make sure you can relate

To the way all this makes me feel

The struggle to sometimes get ahead

Is something that I get lost in

You are always there to ensure

I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

A forgotten memory.

Ask me about my childhood, the early years we all have

You will tell me a funny story that you remember among many

I will look at you with a blank look

Can I remember a story from those early years

I try as I might I try so hard to remember one that’s good

But this memory of mine has nothing to give

No record or replay button they have long broken

It’s not just my childhood that this has taken

My relationships with people is just not the same

I have to hide the fact that I don’t remember a name or how me met

This causing discomfort when I try to push my mind

This is how it all makes me feel

Like my life is half remembered

The memories others have of me, the laughs & happiness lives in others

I only hold a fraction of my life, the memories are not by choice

They are the memories by brain chooses, they always seem the most bland of all

I know my life is full, the love of a woman & daughter brightens my day

They last thought of everyday

Is how I wish I could remember each moment of my day.

The curse of the menopause.

What a sordid mess 

The pain of it all just gets right in

The fog of winter rolls right through a brain that is still young
The muscles that constantly twitch & hurt
The dizziness that causes the young to fall
The way it makes us want to stay indoors Everything outside is far too much
The way we can not deal with disagreements The way it makes us hate ourselves 
From our hair to our skinTo our face to our eyes
To our insides to our outsides
The hate just flows like blood
The way it makes us doubt all who love us
To doubt their love, commitment & loyalty The way it makes us believe our lovers are loving another 

The way it shows us every fault as if we are looking through a microscope 

The way it makes us sure no one could ever love us no one could accept us
Not now not ever 

Just remember this my dear ladies 

A time will come that it will pass
Until then stay strong & relay on your loved ones
Don’t forget they suffer right along side us
Try to see one thing that is good inside & outside you will find one
Scream to the roof tops
And remember to be kind to one’s self

Darkness

The darkness is a old friend who lives inside us

The friend you never invite, who comes without warning

Bringing comfort in the familiar

The familiar feel of drowning in darkness, of being able to just ignore reality

To curl up tight, & pretend that that the darkness is a friend, not the foe we know it is

As much as curling up in the darkness would be so easy

The pull to hide away to lick our wounds

To let the pain of what is in the darkness take over

To let ourselves give in to that pull, to feel some calm within

The darkness tells us do not worry, no one will notice, if they do don’t mention I am here

We live in pain & numbness, within society but surrounded by darkness

The darkness is like the night sky with no stars to light it up

But have you ever noticed that when you close your eyes & all is dark

The darkness is not just black, there is colour every now & then

The colour is like a shooting star bringing some much needed light

When you are in the darkness, look out for the flashes, the coloured shooting stars

Remember to follow that colour, run after it as fast as you can

As much as the negative darkness is weighing you down

You know you can do this, you just need to remember how

Don’t let yourself get lost in thought, keep your eyes focused & run after that colour

The colour that you are chasing is not alone anymore, others have come to show themselves

To show how bright they can be in the darkness, to give you that light

The darkness will try to call you back, to lull you into numbness once more

The darkness will tell you, you are all alone

Turn away from the darkness & look into those colours, focus on the brighter middle of the colour

You will see the colour is shaped like a hand, the palm burning bright to show you light & love

Those colours are the ones who love & believe in you, who will always care

Turn away from the darkness, say goodbye for now

I know the darkness will be back, this is a familiar battle for me

Take hold of those coloured hands, let yourself feel the love they are willing to give

Let them pull you out, let them soothe you & surround you with what you need

You are not a burden, you are worth loving, you are enough

I know it is a battle, to stop that old friend & foe barging in

Just remember that when this happens, those coloured stars will appear again

When you next close your eyes, and see the colours flashing around

Remember they are not just colours, they are the people that love us most, the people that will battle the darkness for you.

Ellpoet is a page of unexpected poetry about love, life, bi pola & PTSD.

I have bi pola & PTSD, both of these I write about, to help me cope & share experiences.

The beautiful demise.

The beautiful blonde walked out the door ignoring the eyes on her
She knew they were there but only cared about one set watching her
She could feel the eyes watching her & felt a little more special 
She knew it wasn’t just because of her beauty or swagger
It what was inside that was loved the most 
The scars, bruises & marks she knew all to well
She knew these were loved no matter how much she despises them
Remember she says to herself, that I am special & loved
I am the one written about 
I am enough.