Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

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Circle of fire – a flashback to my youth.

I sat down on the beach, puts my bag beside me
I was early, I choose to be so I could see the last bit of the sunset
The sky was alive with vivid colours, the most incredible display
The sun dipped below the horizon, darkness started to fall
I heard them coming, talking & laughing, my tribe
I stood up & took out my gear, liquid on, as they appeared I lite them up
There is nothing in this world that takes me away more then this
As I dance, I twirl my stick, watching the fire
I feel free, light & wild, i can feel the heat from the flame
As the flame starts to go out, I can hear my friends cheering me on
I feel apart of a tribe, I feel loved, I feel like a wild child.

New beginnings.

Just like that 2021 is over, possibly one of the hardest years I have ever had to get through.

Everyone has struggled this year, our lives have changed, it’s been hard to be separated from loved ones.

I would really like this year to be like this, my friend hasn’t spoken to her daughter all year, her daughter has been going through some things, her daughter called at midnight, she felt so happy, so grateful, excited for the future.

Wouldn’t it be great if 2022 was just like that!

Short comings.

Dear 2022,

I am writing to you to provide some advance warning of the expectations for the next 12 months, unfortunately your predecessor did not meet expectations, in fact it left much to be desired.

To name just a few short comings that were experienced that I would kindly ask not be repeated:

Grief: Losing my partners brother unexpectedly & then my father within 24 hours was clearly awful management with no care to how this would affect others, to say this left us devastated would be an understatement, not to mention the sheer pain & distress this caused.

In laws: I know it is a running joke that no one likes in laws, however I am one of the few that have fantastic in laws, at least they were, the way 2020 has stopped them moving forward after trauma really is something that needs to be addressed, this has severely fractured our relationship.

Lockdowns: Lastly, no more of this. This is immature & quite frankly controlling! To be in lockdown whilst grieving, unable to see your family is unacceptable, please ensure this does not happen.

So, what do I ask for:

This 2022 is easy. I ask please, keep things balanced. Provide more happy moments then sad, give me hope again, for now & in the future. Show me the beauty all around, make sure I take notice, give me reason to pause & admire. Help me have more self belief, let me borrow others belief in me & build mine own.

Lastly I ask to please give my girl A fair go, she is 10, but has experienced more trauma & loss then most people to a lifetime, let her be please, just let her be a child, & enjoy what innocence she has left, let her be happy, let her laugh, let her be silly.

I do hope this provides you with some much needed guidance.

Love is…..

I love you I say to my daughter every night
I love you Mummy she says & gives me a hug
She knows she is loved, she can see how loved she is

I love you Mum I say at the end of our calls
I love you honey, your very dear to me she says back
A mother’s love is strong, I can feel it through her voice

I love you I say to my best friend
I love you too she says, always
After thirty five years we are as close as thieves

I love you, I adore you I say to my girlfriend
She smiles & says I love you too, her love is strong
She hugs me, I sigh & relax in her arms, knowing I am loved

Love can not be defined by one person
Love is felt in so many different ways
Love is acceptance of who you are, just the way you are.

Unbelievable!

Having only started to put myself out there this year, at the age of 45 with my writing, I had no if any expectations. For me, it was a I know I will regret it if I don’t. I thought I might receive a couch of likes, I don’t know if anyone will relate, I am definite not a good writer.

I have always written in a very descriptive way, highly emotional, & I don’t edit. The poems, short stories & blog posts are the first draft. I have tried to edit, however it is never good enough, so I put it toggle in my head first.

To say I have been shocked in the best way, humbled & surprised to find people relate to my writing would be an understatement. I don’t consider myself a good writer, I see all the flaws.

In the last week I have been published, twice!! http://www.unclearmag.com & https://rockthepigeon.com To me it’s like receiving an Oscar. It’s huge, I have been submitting & this the third & fourth time I have been published. I am flabbergasted when I receive an acceptance.

Rock The Pigeon was a very different poem to write, it’s about transitioning, I have never felt I was in the wrong body, but I have friends who have & I read Ryan Cassata’s story, it inspired me. I sent the piece to him, he published it. Beyond humbled by this.

I am grateful for everything that has happened, to everyone who reads my work, thank you, from the bottom of my surprised heart. I love reading your feedback & comments.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

Just another Bella – a song.

I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains

Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane

At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane

Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us

I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle

I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,

You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me

You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane

I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun

Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion

Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen

We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Please, a little quiet.

Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.

Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.

I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.

Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.

A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.

I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.

So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.

Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.

I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.

She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.

Power of the unseen dance.

I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to

You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving

I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth

I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move

I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about

You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like

As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.

The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave

I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me

You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me

You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck

You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to

You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off

I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all

As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.

I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again

If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another

I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you

It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours

It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see

The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength

It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.

Curse of the Birthday.

I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.

Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.

This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.

This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.

So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.

I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.

Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.

My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.

Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.

So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.

Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?

Stronger then blood.

My blood contains my DNA, my biology

It flows through me, it replenishes itself

It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential

Your blood my dear does the same

You have litres of this inside you

Your blood & my blood are different

You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology

I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you

I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away

My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent

It is how I love you, guide you, respect you

Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can

Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself

You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother

The bond we have is stronger then blood.

Torture of insomnia.

As I lie here in the dim light

My eyes are hurting, they are so dry

My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm

My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy

My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking

My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair

My mind is the only part of me really on full speed

The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do

I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness

My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained

I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush

I kick the sheet off, the moment I do

There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long

It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds

I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm

This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months

I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.

Hidden bliss.

I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed

The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house

I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose

I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh

The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see

There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up

The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around

The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around

Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.

The secret stage – Perimenopause what are we told?

It seems there is a huge miscommunication between the medical profession & us women. They are all aware of the symptoms of Perimenopause, they are also aware many women can not function even close to what they used to whilst going through it.

Yet there is no real warning of how bad this can be, menopause we are told more about, Perimenopause comes first. I for one had no concept of what could happen or how I could feel, after connecting with hundreds of other women all around the world, all of us were taken by surprise, many of us thinking we were having a breakdown.

Somedays I feel so isolated & alone, other days I feel as if all is ok. I have constant pain, muscle cramps, twitches & severe spasming. Just three days ago, my muscles spasmed so incredibly bad, my body was almost jerking off the bed. If this was a once off I could deal with this ok, however this happens on a fortnightly basis at least, the cramps kick in after, then I am left twitching for a good 24 hours.

Then there is the vertigo that hits without warning at least once every two months, I have never experienced such a sickening & awful feeling, for those that have this all the time, I am astounded at their ability to thrive. After the vertigo, comes the migraine that is always the hang over, this leaves me in bed for at least 6 hours.

There are other things we can not forget, the bloating, the gas, the water retention, the pain all through my body, the constant cracking of bones that never used to happen. The pain of a spine that is put out by the muscle spasms.
I have always had a few allergies, but now they are so extreme, no more favorite foods for me. My anxiety is twice what is should be, the depression has caused severe self hate issues. My brain feels like it is in a constant fog, some days I just can’t seem to make a clear thought.

The tiredness, the fatigue is debilitating, the insomnia means I can very rarely get a good rest. You may be asking yourself what could this be, it sounds like a horrendous condition to me. This is one change in life that is not really talked about, this is called Perimenopause, it’s just before menopause. I happen to have a few severe symptoms which makes life a struggle some days, full time work is now part time.

The issue is, I am lucky, yes you read that right, I have met & spoken to women who are going through this with such severe symptoms they have had to put their lives on hold. Some have ended up in hospital, both for surgery & some because the depression, anxiety &  self hatred become far too much.

No one warns us women how bad this can be, no one seems to mention this at all, but if you google this you will find there is so much information & research available, so why does no one warm women of what is to come, how severe this can get? Why does no one warm the men of the world to look out for the women in their lives, that they will need them to be a shoulder to lean on.

I hope someone finds this if interest to take further, to put art to the issues I have told, I am more then happy to provide more information. This is a topic that needs to be discussed, that should not be hidden away. It is natural for women to go through this, so why can we not talk about it.

Love is imperfect.

Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.

Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.

The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.

So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.

Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.

Calm the mind.

I sit down & close my eyes

I focus on the soft sound of the wind

I feel the breeze on my face

I can hear cows in the distance

I can hear no cars or machinery

No ringing phones or tv noise

I can hear the quiet of the mountain top

I can feel the dampness of the grass

I can smell that sweet grass smell

I open my eyes, the view

It stops my breath for a minute

The rolling hills they just seem to go on

They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass

The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill

I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind

I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any

Finally I lie on my back

I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air

I feel at peace, calm, refreshed

I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.

Family curse or blessing?

My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.

Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.

The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.

There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.

This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.

This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.

This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.

At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.

I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.

Parents Day.

Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.

For those who have bad times

For those that second guess themselves

For those who doubt themselves

For those who do it alone

For those who have ones with angel wings

For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done

For those that are a chosen parent

For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own

For the grandparents raising another generation

For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances

This is for you, to remind you

You are doing great, you have no manual to follow

You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you

You give unconditional love, you give them such care

For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.

These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did

Happy Parents Day!!!!

Never a secret IVF baby.

The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy

I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them

I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together

I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you

The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first

Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him

I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you

As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you

I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret

Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.

You are safe with me.

The way the light skimmed over your curves, the light of the sun caressing each curve

The way it lit up your skin, every part of your soft skin exposed seemed to be shimmering

It was memorising to see, your perfect body reflected at me, I feel so fortunate to be the one you have chosen

Your skin was showing me exactly how soft & touchable it is

Breathing even & deep, your hands are softly lying on the sheet, fingers slightly bent

Your long legs are almost stretched out, just a slight bend at the knee, your favourite way to lie

Your hips are lying towards the sheet, you will move on to your stomach in your sleep

Your lips are slightly parted, plump & kissable your lips always look like an invitation to me

You slowly move one arm, you are deep asleep, yet your hand starts searching for me

I take your hand, I rub your back, you let out a deep breath, relaxing that much more

You make a small sound, it is the sound of contentment

This is all I need to hear and see, this is all I need to fall into my own deep slumber

Before I do I appreciate the most amazing part of you, the light inside of you

This burns bright, you love so passionately and fully, you are so loyal and protective of our family

This is what I love most, you love me I know, you also love my girl, who now is our girl

She adores you and loves you, just like you do her, your guidance and assurance you give to her

This has changed her life. As you lie in the sun, as my eyes close, I know we are lucky, and she is lucky to have 3 Mums.

Kick out the doubt.

Don’t worry, there is nothing to fear

I live inside you, I am the one that taunts you

Inside your head, who makes you question yourself

Who makes you doubt those around you

Do not be afraid, I just needed to stretch

I felt as if you were trying to push me out

My space inside was getting smaller and smaller

Almost as if you were taking back control

I promise you now, that I will fight to keep control, there is nothing you can do or feel to banish me

I exist inside you, I am part of you, I am sure you love me

Love is such an odd emotion, if that’s what I feel you have towards me

I do not think this is quite right, as lately there is a new feeling inside

It really makes me very sick, I can not tolerate this pure feeling

So if you don’t mind, please allow me some more room, & stop this pure, happy feeling

I would appreciate it

You will hear from me again soon I can assure you

Just as soon as I find out why I am locked out.

My quiet place.

I sit in silence under the tree

I have my back against the rough bark

I can feel the different textures of bark through my tee shirt

I have my eyes closed

But I know this tree

It’s so big I can’t fit my arms around it

It’s trunk is strong, it’s tall & wide

There aren’t many branches until you look further up

The top of the tree is full of big branches, all covered with green leaves

Once in awhile you will see a koala sitting up there

I can hear the wind building getting ready to blow

As it starts the slight smell of eucalyptus starts wafting

As it gets stronger I can hear the leaves rustling, I can imagine them dancing in the wind

As the wind gets stronger I hear the big branches start to creak

This is the moment I look up & open my eyes

To watch the majestic tree dance in the wind

I feel at peace, I breathe in the strong smell of eucalyptus

I take in all the different green of the leaves

This is where my mind is finally still & quiet

This is my quiet, this is my place to be completely still & quiet.

Sunrise.

I woke up to a room, the colour was gold, I knew this room was cream

It took me a minute, then it clicked, it was sunrise of course

I had stayed at my parents house, it was the morning after my father’s funeral

Sunrise was special to Dad, he made a point of watching it, telling me the sun on the sea is gods fingers

I reached over, unlocked the sliding door in my parents spare room & let the air in

The smell of the sea filled the room, I could hear the waves crashing, I knew this will be no ordinary sunrise, it’s the morning after Dads funeral

I stepped out the glass sliding door, keeping my head down

I walked over the cool outdoor tiles, feeling the roughness of dried salt water on my feet

I stood at their fence, it reaches to just above my waist

I take a deep breath, inhaling the sea air again, I raise my head, I finally open my eyes

My eyes are seeing something so beautiful my brain is not quite understanding

The sun is gold, there is a beautiful light gold halo around the sun, this changes to a light red

The sun is stretching its fingers, I trace them with my eyes

The reflection on the sea is that same as in the sky

I am looking at a double sunrise, the sea is calm the reflection not moving

I can’t help but be overcome, the beauty memorising

I knew in my heart, Dad was saying it’s ok, I am ok, you are too my beautiful daughter.

Unconditionally.

To my girlfriend, Babe you are even more then I can express. Thank you for loving me, accepting me & my situation. For taking on being a Mum & you have blown me away. Xo

This woman of mine is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.

This woman is real, her flesh is soft & she tastes of honey.

Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she saves a special smile just for me.

To my woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday as you have come further then you know.

To face your fear in the eyes

And know that you are stronger then you believe

I will be right here beside you, I will listen have patience

I will show kindness, love & care

I will be your strength when you feel weak, I will pull you up when you feel low

Do not doubt my commitment to you

From here on it will be you & me

Don’t ever feel you are not enough to me my love you are more then enough.

You have given yourself a path in life that was unexpected, you have done this for me.

Disassociation.

Ever been so hurt you can’t cry, you can’t move, you are stuck

Stuck in no mans land full of pain, rejection & emptiness

The person who hurt you is standing right there, they are not aware you can not move

They have gone into another place, they have dissociated

This was not their intent, they did not mean to, but in a moment of anger

To protect themselves, without meaning to they locked the emotions away

The way they look at you, the love is just not there, locked up for the moment

Along with the care & understanding, they are right there watching you cry

It hurts, it cuts so deep you can’t express the pain you are in

They just don’t seem to care at all, this is like jagged glass cutting your heart in half

The pain goes into your every cell, you can feel yourself slipping straight into the dark hole

The pain is so intense it almost knocks you out, maybe that would be better you think

Then a little part of you remembers it’s not their fault

This is a part of them they can’t always control

They can control coming back, you know this inside

You know they want to, but the resistance within them is so strong

You are the anchor to their ship that tries to sail away

Stand up out of that dark hole, don’t let them look away

Show them your pain, show them you care, show them you will be there

Take them in your arms, let them relax & feel safe for a minute

Then ask them to look within, to find the embers of the fire that burns for you

Tell them to Stoke that fire, bring them back to you

As hard as it is, you know this will happen again, you will need to rescue them

You know also that the love you have is more fulfilling & joyous then the occasional pain of the disassociation.

Triggers – living with PTSD.

I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.

Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.

She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.

The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.

As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.

So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.

It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?

I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.

It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.

I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.

So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.

By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.

We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.

My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.

At least that is my hope.

Honesty.

One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.

It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.

Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.

It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.

When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.

You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.

So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.

It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.

Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.

I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.

As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.

Emotions flooded me this week.

It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.

You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.

So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.

That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.

However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.

I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.

We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.

For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.

Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.

If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.

Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.

Me.

As I look back over the past 18 months, so much has changed.

I am a very social soul by nature, however I have always been more comfortable on the other end of the phone, or having a few friends at home.

For me, who had been thrust into being a single mum due to tragic circumstances 18 months before, being at home was somewhat a welcome break. I could just be at home, work at home, everything!

Of course I felt lonely, I had become accustomed to that feeling.

Most people have said how much their relationship suffered, how being together all the time was an eye opener. I did not envy them, until a beautiful woman knocked me down.

We met in unusual circumstances, during a pandemic there is no other way to meet, we had met briefly before, she knew my story well.

We were talking when I was visiting my wife, in the facility she now lives, unable to move or talk, all of that was taken in a flash. This woman was saying, like so many others, she could not get basic food.

I explained that I had enough to share of the basics she might need, she quickly accepted my offer, we exchanged details, she said she would be over after work.

She came at 4pm & left at 3am. We kept talking online, when she asked if I had considered a relationship again.

That was that, here we are, blissfully happy, she knows she shares me with another, it is a unique situation.

Unique in so many ways, both of us have bipola, I have PTSD & anxiety. This could be complicated, which is why communication & always working on our relationship is the way we make sure we are ok.

I somehow found happiness again, during the darkest of times for society.