New beginnings.

Just like that 2021 is over, possibly one of the hardest years I have ever had to get through.

Everyone has struggled this year, our lives have changed, it’s been hard to be separated from loved ones.

I would really like this year to be like this, my friend hasn’t spoken to her daughter all year, her daughter has been going through some things, her daughter called at midnight, she felt so happy, so grateful, excited for the future.

Wouldn’t it be great if 2022 was just like that!

Short comings.

Dear 2022,

I am writing to you to provide some advance warning of the expectations for the next 12 months, unfortunately your predecessor did not meet expectations, in fact it left much to be desired.

To name just a few short comings that were experienced that I would kindly ask not be repeated:

Grief: Losing my partners brother unexpectedly & then my father within 24 hours was clearly awful management with no care to how this would affect others, to say this left us devastated would be an understatement, not to mention the sheer pain & distress this caused.

In laws: I know it is a running joke that no one likes in laws, however I am one of the few that have fantastic in laws, at least they were, the way 2020 has stopped them moving forward after trauma really is something that needs to be addressed, this has severely fractured our relationship.

Lockdowns: Lastly, no more of this. This is immature & quite frankly controlling! To be in lockdown whilst grieving, unable to see your family is unacceptable, please ensure this does not happen.

So, what do I ask for:

This 2022 is easy. I ask please, keep things balanced. Provide more happy moments then sad, give me hope again, for now & in the future. Show me the beauty all around, make sure I take notice, give me reason to pause & admire. Help me have more self belief, let me borrow others belief in me & build mine own.

Lastly I ask to please give my girl A fair go, she is 10, but has experienced more trauma & loss then most people to a lifetime, let her be please, just let her be a child, & enjoy what innocence she has left, let her be happy, let her laugh, let her be silly.

I do hope this provides you with some much needed guidance.

Baggage.

Stop, look back, pull the load forward
Go, look forward, heave the load forward
Stop, don’t dwell, look in the load
Go, look at the memory, don’t take it
Stop, put memory back, hang on to every one
Go, look forward, hope is bright
Stop, rest, load is heavy
Go, look up, focus on future
Stop, look back, do I need the load
Go, let go, drop the load
Stop, breathe, you can let it go
Go, light, free, I don’t need the load anymore.

Love is…..

I love you I say to my daughter every night
I love you Mummy she says & gives me a hug
She knows she is loved, she can see how loved she is

I love you Mum I say at the end of our calls
I love you honey, your very dear to me she says back
A mother’s love is strong, I can feel it through her voice

I love you I say to my best friend
I love you too she says, always
After thirty five years we are as close as thieves

I love you, I adore you I say to my girlfriend
She smiles & says I love you too, her love is strong
She hugs me, I sigh & relax in her arms, knowing I am loved

Love can not be defined by one person
Love is felt in so many different ways
Love is acceptance of who you are, just the way you are.

Unbelievable!

Having only started to put myself out there this year, at the age of 45 with my writing, I had no if any expectations. For me, it was a I know I will regret it if I don’t. I thought I might receive a couch of likes, I don’t know if anyone will relate, I am definite not a good writer.

I have always written in a very descriptive way, highly emotional, & I don’t edit. The poems, short stories & blog posts are the first draft. I have tried to edit, however it is never good enough, so I put it toggle in my head first.

To say I have been shocked in the best way, humbled & surprised to find people relate to my writing would be an understatement. I don’t consider myself a good writer, I see all the flaws.

In the last week I have been published, twice!! http://www.unclearmag.com & https://rockthepigeon.com To me it’s like receiving an Oscar. It’s huge, I have been submitting & this the third & fourth time I have been published. I am flabbergasted when I receive an acceptance.

Rock The Pigeon was a very different poem to write, it’s about transitioning, I have never felt I was in the wrong body, but I have friends who have & I read Ryan Cassata’s story, it inspired me. I sent the piece to him, he published it. Beyond humbled by this.

I am grateful for everything that has happened, to everyone who reads my work, thank you, from the bottom of my surprised heart. I love reading your feedback & comments.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

Just another Bella – a song.

I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains

Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane

At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane

Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us

I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle

I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,

You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me

You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane

I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun

Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion

Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen

We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

It all makes sense.

I often have that feeling of being watched when I sit outside, it’s there during the day, but at night it can be quite intense. I have never been able to figure out why, I still don’t know, but I have been researching & leant some interesting facts.

I am a lover of history, all sorts, I wondered what was here before this house. I am aware the traditional land owners are the Wurundjeri & Bunorong tribes. This is something I highly respect.

So I went researching, I found out some very interesting facts. I live on the outskirts of eastern Melbourne, semi rural area, right next to a small National park.

This park has only recently been changed from a state reserve to a national reserve, there are endangered species that live there, I thought nothing of it.

The park used to be a goldfield, the biggest situated so close to Melbourne, I have no idea how I did not know this. It was a highly profitable gold field, also due to the extreme cold in winter & heat in summer there were a high amount of deaths.

There was a huge fire that took the church & chapel, they were not rebuilt on the same location. I was quite intrigued by this, I have never known this to be a gold area. There are tulip & flower farms, tourist areas to see the forest, feed the cockatoos.

Turns out this was deliberate, to stop the gold traffic. Once no more was found, a wealthy farmer purchased a huge amount of land, he started to grow flowers, the land was perfect for flowers.

It started a new farming industry, they did so well a lot of the farms around have been here for over a hundred & fifty years, which for Australia is very old!!!

Unconditionally.

To my girlfriend, Babe you are even more then I can express. Thank you for loving me, accepting me & my situation. For taking on being a Mum & you have blown me away. Xo

This woman of mine is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.

This woman is real, her flesh is soft & she tastes of honey.

Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she saves a special smile just for me.

To my woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday as you have come further then you know.

To face your fear in the eyes

And know that you are stronger then you believe

I will be right here beside you, I will listen have patience

I will show kindness, love & care

I will be your strength when you feel weak, I will pull you up when you feel low

Do not doubt my commitment to you

From here on it will be you & me

Don’t ever feel you are not enough to me my love you are more then enough.

You have given yourself a path in life that was unexpected, you have done this for me.

Disassociation.

Ever been so hurt you can’t cry, you can’t move, you are stuck

Stuck in no mans land full of pain, rejection & emptiness

The person who hurt you is standing right there, they are not aware you can not move

They have gone into another place, they have dissociated

This was not their intent, they did not mean to, but in a moment of anger

To protect themselves, without meaning to they locked the emotions away

The way they look at you, the love is just not there, locked up for the moment

Along with the care & understanding, they are right there watching you cry

It hurts, it cuts so deep you can’t express the pain you are in

They just don’t seem to care at all, this is like jagged glass cutting your heart in half

The pain goes into your every cell, you can feel yourself slipping straight into the dark hole

The pain is so intense it almost knocks you out, maybe that would be better you think

Then a little part of you remembers it’s not their fault

This is a part of them they can’t always control

They can control coming back, you know this inside

You know they want to, but the resistance within them is so strong

You are the anchor to their ship that tries to sail away

Stand up out of that dark hole, don’t let them look away

Show them your pain, show them you care, show them you will be there

Take them in your arms, let them relax & feel safe for a minute

Then ask them to look within, to find the embers of the fire that burns for you

Tell them to Stoke that fire, bring them back to you

As hard as it is, you know this will happen again, you will need to rescue them

You know also that the love you have is more fulfilling & joyous then the occasional pain of the disassociation.

Triggers – living with PTSD.

I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.

Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.

She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.

The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.

As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.

So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.

It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?

I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.

It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.

I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.

So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.

By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.

We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.

My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.

At least that is my hope.

Honesty.

One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.

It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.

Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.

It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.

When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.

You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.

So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.

It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.

Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.

I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.

As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.

Emotions flooded me this week.

It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.

You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.

So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.

That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.

However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.

I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.

We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.

For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.

Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.

If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.

Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.

Alone

My heart is hurting, that empty pain you feel inside, the feeling of being alone

I can see you, smell you & hear you, you are right there next to me

Your back is to me, I see more of your back then your face recently 

I can’t get near you, your emotions are dimmed, as if a fire has been extinguished 

I have been so happy, I feel like finally good things are happening to me

You never really acknowledged this, you said you were proud, you even had the look of love again for a minute 

There was no hug, no kiss, no trying to celebrate me, sometimes I want to feel special too, I feel defeated 

How is it that you didn’t want to hug or kiss me? 

What have I done to be so left alone?