To Jemima – My Girl

Look at you, not a girl anymore, not quite a woman

Beautiful in your dress, hair all done up, wearing your first pair of heels

Full of nerves for your first school dance, butterflies dancing in your stomach

I can see the little girl you were, I now can imagine the woman you will be

Memories dash across my mind, your strong cry as you were born, your eye’s scrunched closed

Holding you as tears of joy fell down my cheeks, you were finally here

Watching your face as your eyes opened, watching you slowly quite down

As the months went by, watching you as you grew, ready to catch you if you fell

At nine months you had a look of determination, you grabbed hold of my hands

Once you were standing you let go & walked across the room, you suddenly fell

I was there, I caught you, you looked up at me & smiled as if you knew I would always be there

I will let you walk your own path my girl, I will be right here

I will cheer you on, I will comfort you, I will always catch you if you fall, I will always help you back up

To let you keep walking your own path, in your way, to your own beat

I watch as you walk into the dance, a huge smile on your face, i smile to myself

Despite the trauma we have faced, you are confident, self assured, happy & determined

For this I am beyond thankful.

Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

Swagger.

She walked into the kitchen, putting extra swing in her swagger

Her long hair down, her singlet loose, bra had gone

She made sure her woman noticed, standing on the side she knew everything was on display

She put her hands up in her hair, leant her head back

Pushing her chest forward, she heard the intake of air

Her partner she knew was watching, enjoying this show

As uncomfortable as she was with her body, she knew her partner loved every inch

Her self esteem so much higher, just knowing she was loved for her

No request to change, no criticism of her little quirks

She would never have put herself on display like this before

Now, she could see the lust & love in her partner’s eyes

She turned, swaggered off to the bedroom, throwing her singlet as she went

She knew her partner would come, they both loved & appreciated each other

She knew her partner couldn’t resist her, she couldn’t resist her partner.

Chemistry ignites – short erotic story.

Sheila had always had a fantasy woman, this woman always appeared in her erotic dreams, & she always thought of her when pleasuring herself. She could imagine how it would be to kiss her breasts, run her hand down her back, lick her pussy, just like she does an ice cream. How it would feel to have this woman touch her breasts, suck on them, push her fingers inside her.

The feelings were so intense as she came, always guaranteed to work. Her woman was blonde, short, lean but curvy, with a great arse. She had attitude, almost the bad girl, full of sex appeal. Not full of herself, unaware of how attractive she is, she walks with a sexy swagger.

Sheila went out one night, she was meant to go with Marcia who cancelled at the last minute, Sheila decided she hadn’t been to the Lesbian bar for some time, why not go alone. She dressed up in her favorite low cut top, with DD breasts & a push up bra she knew the top looked good. She wore her favorite black jeans & stiletto boots. Not too much make up, & of course her green leather jacket.

Sheila walked in to the bar, feeling apprehensive, she hadn’t been out alone before, she had always wanted to, just to prove to herself she could. She walked up to the bar & ordered her standard drink a scotch on the rocks. Top shelf scotch, she loved a good scotch. Sheila took a sip & licked her lips, she closed her eyes as the familiar burning sensation went down her throat, good scotch she thought.

‘Excuse me, can I sit here?’ Said a voice next to her, Sheila opened her eyes & blinked, was something in her drink? Her woman was in front of her, exactly as she imagined. The only thing different, she was living & breathing.

‘Sure, ah yep.’ Sheila said in a quiet voice. ‘Thanks, just stopped for a quick drink. Hey can I get a top shelf scotch on the rocks?’ Sheila looked in awe, she had good taste. ‘So, uh, I haven’t seen you here before?’ Sheila could have slapped herself, did she really just say that?

‘Ha! That’s an old line, no I don’t go to bars much, I tend to stick to home & friends. Actually, I hate being hit on, I stay away from bars, clubs, all of it.’ Sheila nodded ‘sorry, that just came out. I didn’t mea’ Sheila was cut off. ‘Don’t worry, look I am just here for the drink. Where are your friends?’

‘Well, um I came alone actually.’ Sheila went bright red with embarrassment. ‘Seriously? Girl that takes guts, good on you. You never know what will happen. I like a woman who walks to her own beat.’ Her blue eyes looked straight into Sheila’s, keeping her transfixed.

‘So you like good Scotch, do you live locally? Oh, ha I am Axel, nice to meet you.’ Sheila looked at Axel ‘Sheila, & yes I live within walking distance. I love a good scotch, I have two indulgences, Scotch & lingerie.’

‘Oh, who is the lingerie for?’ Axel asked. ‘Me, I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Sheila said getting more confident. ‘Well I am going to be forward, how about we go to your place & enjoy some scotch?’ Axel said whilst obviously looking at Sheila’s chest. Sheila sat up straighter & pushed her chest out a bit, making it clear they were Axels for the taking.

Axel looked up, ‘Maybe whilst we enjoy a scotch you could put on some lingerie for me to admire you in?’ Sheila felt her pulse quicken, wetness pooled in her panties, she was desperate to undress Axel. ‘Axel I would love to sit in a corset & suspenders, with crotchless knickers, red I think, for you to admire & watch me get the scotch ready.’ Sheila had never been so bold in her life. Axel chocked on some scotch, obviously not expecting such boldness.

‘Let’s go babe, I can drive you.’ Axel said as she put money down for the drinks, grabbed Sheila’s hand & pulled her towards the exit. Sheila could feel Axels pulse was quick, her palms a little sweaty, her swagger almost had Sheila drooling.

Axel unlocked her car, Sheila got in the passenger side, she was about to pull her seat belt across, when Axel leant across, kissing her lightly on the top of her breasts, Axel grabbed the seat belt & clicked it in. Sheila was squirming. ‘Anticipation baby, I want you soaking wet for me.’ Axel said with a crocked smile. Sheila closed her eyes & moaned.

Sheila unlocked her front door, walked into the kitchen, grabbed Axel & lifted her on to the counter. Before Axel could speak Sheila kissed her, parting her lips with her tongue, Sheila slowly drew out Axels tongue & started sucking it. Axel pulled back, ‘I want your tongue inside me.’ Sheila laughed & said ‘Anticipation baby.’ Axel grabbed her & took of her jacket, top & bra quickly, she squeezed one breast & started sucking on the other.

Sheila could feel this was not going to take long, Axel pushed down her jeans, & in a swift movement, parted her legs & thrust her fingers inside her, Sheila’s legs almost gave way with the pleasure. Axel turned her around, put an arm around her waist, bent her forward & thrust two fingers in & out, it was as if Axel knew what she wanted, Axel started to thrust harder & faster, Sheila could feel herself dripping down her leg, suddenly the most intense orgasm took her over. Axel didn’t stop, she kept going whilst Sheila felt like she had honey running through her veins. The feeling was euphoric.

As her orgasm started to dim Sheila took Axels fingers out, spun around & almost ripped off Axels jeans. Sheila spread her legs wide & pushed her tongue inside her. The taste, the taste of Axel was so sweet, as it ran down Sheila’s throat she moaned the taste & feel of Axel was bringing another orgasm. Sheila licked up to her clit, she sucked on her clit, flicking it with her tongue. Axel was trying so hard to control herself, not to finish yet, but her body had other ideas.

Sheila licked up into Axel as far as she could, she thrust her tongue in & out, suddenly Axels orgasm took over, Axel squirted right down Sheila’s throat. Sheila orgasmed again from the feel, the taste, the bucking of Axels hips.

Sheila stood up, ‘how about that scotch now?’ Axel looked at her with fuzzy eyes, ‘sure baby, then round two.’ Sheila shivered at the thought, she went & got her best bottle of scotch & two glasses. She hoped they would be up all night.

Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Tolerance.

You know what I really dislike & struggle with on a daily basis? It’s the pressure from society to be a certain way, to look the way they want you too.

Now I am a woman of size, there is more of me to love. I have tried over the years many different ways to change this, the issue is my metabolism is so slow, no matter what I do, including exercising like crazy.

I have tried diets, shakes, cutting out many foods, nothing will work. My doctor finally just said, this is you, you can’t change it.

I was taken aback by this, but she explained it is my genetics, my dad & his dad were the same.

So I have had to try to accept this, now it would be a whole lot easier if I could walk into any store & buy clothes, or even eat something in public without being judged by others.

I have been called names, I have been made fun of, I am 45 & still people say things. I am not playing the victim, but there needs to be understanding that not everyone can be a size society deems acceptable.

It has become far too common for people to judge a stranger, to think they know exactly what that person is like.

This is what I dislike & struggle with. I am who I am, I am trying to learn to be ok with it.

If you see someone calling someone a name because they are bigger, please call it out. That person has a story, do you want to add a positive to that story, or let another negative be added.

I say let’s add more positives. Let’s try to be more understanding of each other, let’s try to not jump to conclusions.