EllPoet Emotionally Raw Poetry.
I write poetry that is unexpected, raw, from the heart & mind, I don’t shy away from being emotional, & real in my writing.
I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing Scott – Patrick Mitchell for a radio show, the show never happened. However Scott – Patrick’s poetry needs to be read, it is raw, emotional & takes you on his journey.
He has a book out called Clean, his journey of recovery. Please, please take the time to read his book.
Here is the interview, his website is: https://redroompoetry.org/poets/scott-patrick-mitchell/
I sat down on the beach, puts my bag beside me
I was early, I choose to be so I could see the last bit of the sunset
The sky was alive with vivid colours, the most incredible display
The sun dipped below the horizon, darkness started to fall
I heard them coming, talking & laughing, my tribe
I stood up & took out my gear, liquid on, as they appeared I lite them up
There is nothing in this world that takes me away more then this
As I dance, I twirl my stick, watching the fire
I feel free, light & wild, i can feel the heat from the flame
As the flame starts to go out, I can hear my friends cheering me on
I feel apart of a tribe, I feel loved, I feel like a wild child.
I refuse to bend myself to suit social expectations, this I will do no more
I have tied myself in knots to appear as a shadow of myself
I am tired of hiding within, of holding the best part of me back
I am a intense ambiguity, I am unique in every way
I will not hide my scars of trauma, not for your comfort
I will not keep my emotions hidden, feel free to look away
Proudly I walk beside my girlfriend, she rescued me from despair
I will talk about my wife, locked inside her mind, surrounded by a injured brain
It’s easier for you to forget, it’s the reality of my life
It’s time for me to stop appeasing others, start working on me
Our daughter needs to see that being unique & scared is nothing to hide
Now is my time, please the door is to your left if you would like to leave.
Just like that 2021 is over, possibly one of the hardest years I have ever had to get through.
Everyone has struggled this year, our lives have changed, it’s been hard to be separated from loved ones.
I would really like this year to be like this, my friend hasn’t spoken to her daughter all year, her daughter has been going through some things, her daughter called at midnight, she felt so happy, so grateful, excited for the future.
Wouldn’t it be great if 2022 was just like that!
Dear 2022,
I am writing to you to provide some advance warning of the expectations for the next 12 months, unfortunately your predecessor did not meet expectations, in fact it left much to be desired.
To name just a few short comings that were experienced that I would kindly ask not be repeated:
Grief: Losing my partners brother unexpectedly & then my father within 24 hours was clearly awful management with no care to how this would affect others, to say this left us devastated would be an understatement, not to mention the sheer pain & distress this caused.
In laws: I know it is a running joke that no one likes in laws, however I am one of the few that have fantastic in laws, at least they were, the way 2020 has stopped them moving forward after trauma really is something that needs to be addressed, this has severely fractured our relationship.
Lockdowns: Lastly, no more of this. This is immature & quite frankly controlling! To be in lockdown whilst grieving, unable to see your family is unacceptable, please ensure this does not happen.
So, what do I ask for:
This 2022 is easy. I ask please, keep things balanced. Provide more happy moments then sad, give me hope again, for now & in the future. Show me the beauty all around, make sure I take notice, give me reason to pause & admire. Help me have more self belief, let me borrow others belief in me & build mine own.
Lastly I ask to please give my girl A fair go, she is 10, but has experienced more trauma & loss then most people to a lifetime, let her be please, just let her be a child, & enjoy what innocence she has left, let her be happy, let her laugh, let her be silly.
I do hope this provides you with some much needed guidance.
Stop, look back, pull the load forward
Go, look forward, heave the load forward
Stop, don’t dwell, look in the load
Go, look at the memory, don’t take it
Stop, put memory back, hang on to every one
Go, look forward, hope is bright
Stop, rest, load is heavy
Go, look up, focus on future
Stop, look back, do I need the load
Go, let go, drop the load
Stop, breathe, you can let it go
Go, light, free, I don’t need the load anymore.
She walked into the kitchen, putting extra swing in her swagger
Her long hair down, her singlet loose, bra had gone
She made sure her woman noticed, standing on the side she knew everything was on display
She put her hands up in her hair, leant her head back
Pushing her chest forward, she heard the intake of air
Her partner she knew was watching, enjoying this show
As uncomfortable as she was with her body, she knew her partner loved every inch
Her self esteem so much higher, just knowing she was loved for her
No request to change, no criticism of her little quirks
She would never have put herself on display like this before
Now, she could see the lust & love in her partner’s eyes
She turned, swaggered off to the bedroom, throwing her singlet as she went
She knew her partner would come, they both loved & appreciated each other
She knew her partner couldn’t resist her, she couldn’t resist her partner.
I love you I say to my daughter every night
I love you Mummy she says & gives me a hug
She knows she is loved, she can see how loved she is
I love you Mum I say at the end of our calls
I love you honey, your very dear to me she says back
A mother’s love is strong, I can feel it through her voice
I love you I say to my best friend
I love you too she says, always
After thirty five years we are as close as thieves
I love you, I adore you I say to my girlfriend
She smiles & says I love you too, her love is strong
She hugs me, I sigh & relax in her arms, knowing I am loved
Love can not be defined by one person
Love is felt in so many different ways
Love is acceptance of who you are, just the way you are.
Having only started to put myself out there this year, at the age of 45 with my writing, I had no if any expectations. For me, it was a I know I will regret it if I don’t. I thought I might receive a couch of likes, I don’t know if anyone will relate, I am definite not a good writer.
I have always written in a very descriptive way, highly emotional, & I don’t edit. The poems, short stories & blog posts are the first draft. I have tried to edit, however it is never good enough, so I put it toggle in my head first.
To say I have been shocked in the best way, humbled & surprised to find people relate to my writing would be an understatement. I don’t consider myself a good writer, I see all the flaws.
In the last week I have been published, twice!! http://www.unclearmag.com & https://rockthepigeon.com To me it’s like receiving an Oscar. It’s huge, I have been submitting & this the third & fourth time I have been published. I am flabbergasted when I receive an acceptance.
Rock The Pigeon was a very different poem to write, it’s about transitioning, I have never felt I was in the wrong body, but I have friends who have & I read Ryan Cassata’s story, it inspired me. I sent the piece to him, he published it. Beyond humbled by this.
I am grateful for everything that has happened, to everyone who reads my work, thank you, from the bottom of my surprised heart. I love reading your feedback & comments.
I don’t know about you, but I am over hearing people complain about COVID! The way our lives have been restricted, changed, challenged in every way. For those not in Australia, Melbourne since March 2020 we have spent 260 days in lockdown. Often separated from family that live 30kms away for months. yes it is hard.
I know this was all necessary, I know that the government saved many lives by doing this. I know that our healthcare has been able to manage because of these restrictions. That now have finished if you are fully vaccinated, which I am, so is my partner.
Any plans we had, canceled!! My partner works in healthcare, & luck would have it, restrictions are lifted & her workplace has an outbreak. Nearly all the residents & staff are vaccinated, those infected are showing no symptoms due to the vaccine. Those who medically can not be vaccinated are struggling.
When I was first told COVID is more contagious then a cold I could not imagine it. I can now, it flies around, literally it spreads like wildfire. The way it has spread so quickly is astonishing, on day three there were 7 positive, day four 19 positive. I know many who really like me could not fathom something spreading so fast.
So now, we are in somewhat of a lockdown, partner goes to work & home, no where else. I limit where I go, our daughter to school, grandparents & home. We are still locked up in our comfy house. Together, as a family supporting each other.
We are lucky, we are safe. Our daughter is not old enough to be vaccinated, so we are careful, antibacterial wipes & masks on hand always. Lockdown is not so bad, being healthy, happy & together. I will take that any day over sickness. Once this outbreak is over, we can go out more. We can rejoin society. For the moment I know I am blessed.
The affliction suffered has decayed the body
Taking within, killing the inside slowly
Once a warrior, now unable to stand
Tightly holding on to dignity
There will be no reprieve
The suffering is silent to save the hearts of your cherished ones
A devoted wife, never leaving your now quivering soul alone
A daughter, the desire to see her is pushed down
You will not condemn her, will not let her last memory of you
Be one of such pain
The awareness that her heart is breaking, you will protect her
Until your dying breath
You let go
The loss I feel inside my heart, my soul is profound
My father, who gave so much, schooled me on life
Showed me how to balance the insane with the sane
Never will there be a day I do not miss you
Never will there be a day, I won’t ensure your love, my mother, is weathering the storm of grief.
She runs in her pink dress, pink ribbons flying from her hair
Little Mary Janes shiny & new, she is a perfect picture
She knows she should not be playing with the boys
She knows she will disappoint her parents again
Coming in all dirty, hair falling everywhere, new shoes scraped
She has no desire to play with the girls, she doesn’t want to pretend
She turns thirteen, she is the tomboy, loves being outdoors
She pretends to like boys, fitting in, seeming normal
She reaches eighteen, no longer trying to be someone else
She is quirky, she is the one to stand up for others
Finally at twenty one she begs for acceptance, boys are not for her
Acceptance is not given, breaking her heart in two
Aimlessly she walks alone, for ninety days, she is ready to give up
Acceptance comes out of the blue, a true heartfelt apology given
Life starts to move in a new direction, of openness & honesty
The relief she feels within, to finally live cage less
The happiness is clear, a journey has started, a new life
A life she is free to spread her wings, to embrace who she is
I never thought I could, I did, I am & I will, live as a proud gay woman.
I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains
Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane
At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane
Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole
You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane
You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella
You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever
You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us
I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle
I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,
You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me
You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane
You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella
You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever
You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me
You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane
I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane
You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane
You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella
You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever
Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun
Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion
Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen
We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin
You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane
You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella
You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever
Sheila had always had a fantasy woman, this woman always appeared in her erotic dreams, & she always thought of her when pleasuring herself. She could imagine how it would be to kiss her breasts, run her hand down her back, lick her pussy, just like she does an ice cream. How it would feel to have this woman touch her breasts, suck on them, push her fingers inside her.
The feelings were so intense as she came, always guaranteed to work. Her woman was blonde, short, lean but curvy, with a great arse. She had attitude, almost the bad girl, full of sex appeal. Not full of herself, unaware of how attractive she is, she walks with a sexy swagger.
Sheila went out one night, she was meant to go with Marcia who cancelled at the last minute, Sheila decided she hadn’t been to the Lesbian bar for some time, why not go alone. She dressed up in her favorite low cut top, with DD breasts & a push up bra she knew the top looked good. She wore her favorite black jeans & stiletto boots. Not too much make up, & of course her green leather jacket.
Sheila walked in to the bar, feeling apprehensive, she hadn’t been out alone before, she had always wanted to, just to prove to herself she could. She walked up to the bar & ordered her standard drink a scotch on the rocks. Top shelf scotch, she loved a good scotch. Sheila took a sip & licked her lips, she closed her eyes as the familiar burning sensation went down her throat, good scotch she thought.
‘Excuse me, can I sit here?’ Said a voice next to her, Sheila opened her eyes & blinked, was something in her drink? Her woman was in front of her, exactly as she imagined. The only thing different, she was living & breathing.
‘Sure, ah yep.’ Sheila said in a quiet voice. ‘Thanks, just stopped for a quick drink. Hey can I get a top shelf scotch on the rocks?’ Sheila looked in awe, she had good taste. ‘So, uh, I haven’t seen you here before?’ Sheila could have slapped herself, did she really just say that?
‘Ha! That’s an old line, no I don’t go to bars much, I tend to stick to home & friends. Actually, I hate being hit on, I stay away from bars, clubs, all of it.’ Sheila nodded ‘sorry, that just came out. I didn’t mea’ Sheila was cut off. ‘Don’t worry, look I am just here for the drink. Where are your friends?’
‘Well, um I came alone actually.’ Sheila went bright red with embarrassment. ‘Seriously? Girl that takes guts, good on you. You never know what will happen. I like a woman who walks to her own beat.’ Her blue eyes looked straight into Sheila’s, keeping her transfixed.
‘So you like good Scotch, do you live locally? Oh, ha I am Axel, nice to meet you.’ Sheila looked at Axel ‘Sheila, & yes I live within walking distance. I love a good scotch, I have two indulgences, Scotch & lingerie.’
‘Oh, who is the lingerie for?’ Axel asked. ‘Me, I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Sheila said getting more confident. ‘Well I am going to be forward, how about we go to your place & enjoy some scotch?’ Axel said whilst obviously looking at Sheila’s chest. Sheila sat up straighter & pushed her chest out a bit, making it clear they were Axels for the taking.
Axel looked up, ‘Maybe whilst we enjoy a scotch you could put on some lingerie for me to admire you in?’ Sheila felt her pulse quicken, wetness pooled in her panties, she was desperate to undress Axel. ‘Axel I would love to sit in a corset & suspenders, with crotchless knickers, red I think, for you to admire & watch me get the scotch ready.’ Sheila had never been so bold in her life. Axel chocked on some scotch, obviously not expecting such boldness.
‘Let’s go babe, I can drive you.’ Axel said as she put money down for the drinks, grabbed Sheila’s hand & pulled her towards the exit. Sheila could feel Axels pulse was quick, her palms a little sweaty, her swagger almost had Sheila drooling.
Axel unlocked her car, Sheila got in the passenger side, she was about to pull her seat belt across, when Axel leant across, kissing her lightly on the top of her breasts, Axel grabbed the seat belt & clicked it in. Sheila was squirming. ‘Anticipation baby, I want you soaking wet for me.’ Axel said with a crocked smile. Sheila closed her eyes & moaned.
Sheila unlocked her front door, walked into the kitchen, grabbed Axel & lifted her on to the counter. Before Axel could speak Sheila kissed her, parting her lips with her tongue, Sheila slowly drew out Axels tongue & started sucking it. Axel pulled back, ‘I want your tongue inside me.’ Sheila laughed & said ‘Anticipation baby.’ Axel grabbed her & took of her jacket, top & bra quickly, she squeezed one breast & started sucking on the other.
Sheila could feel this was not going to take long, Axel pushed down her jeans, & in a swift movement, parted her legs & thrust her fingers inside her, Sheila’s legs almost gave way with the pleasure. Axel turned her around, put an arm around her waist, bent her forward & thrust two fingers in & out, it was as if Axel knew what she wanted, Axel started to thrust harder & faster, Sheila could feel herself dripping down her leg, suddenly the most intense orgasm took her over. Axel didn’t stop, she kept going whilst Sheila felt like she had honey running through her veins. The feeling was euphoric.
As her orgasm started to dim Sheila took Axels fingers out, spun around & almost ripped off Axels jeans. Sheila spread her legs wide & pushed her tongue inside her. The taste, the taste of Axel was so sweet, as it ran down Sheila’s throat she moaned the taste & feel of Axel was bringing another orgasm. Sheila licked up to her clit, she sucked on her clit, flicking it with her tongue. Axel was trying so hard to control herself, not to finish yet, but her body had other ideas.
Sheila licked up into Axel as far as she could, she thrust her tongue in & out, suddenly Axels orgasm took over, Axel squirted right down Sheila’s throat. Sheila orgasmed again from the feel, the taste, the bucking of Axels hips.
Sheila stood up, ‘how about that scotch now?’ Axel looked at her with fuzzy eyes, ‘sure baby, then round two.’ Sheila shivered at the thought, she went & got her best bottle of scotch & two glasses. She hoped they would be up all night.
I was tired, I lay down for a bit, reenergise my tired body
You came in after cutting the wood, wet & cold from the rain
You looked at me curled up in bed, my eyes were closed
I heard you open the shower door, you stood in the bathroom doorway
You started to remove your clothes, very slowly
Your jumper came off, soaking wet, your tee shirt clung to your body
You had no bra on, your breasts were clear for me to see
I loved looking at the perfect round shape, seeing the outline of your nipples
Your jeans looked as if they were sprayed on, clinging to every bit of your long legs
You slowly pushed them down, keeping your legs straight so your body looked like pure seduction
You took them off your feet & stood up straight, taking your hair out & letting it flow down your back
You turned & looked at me, completely naked, strikingly beautiful
Your whole body was a work of art, you ran your hand down your chest
You smiled a wicked smile & walked into the shower, making sure to swing your hips.
Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.
Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.
Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.
I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.
Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.
A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.
I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.
So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.
Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.
I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.
She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.
It’s odd isn’t it, we are told not to be too full of ourselves, meaning don’t show too much confidence, then we are told to be confident. People don’t stop & ask you what you are proud of, they ask so many other questions. It’s hard to be proud of ourselves.
I struggle to say anything positive about myself, but one thing I am so proud of, it’s part of me, partly DNA, part personality trait, part self belief no matter how I struggle.
Inner strength. I have faced my share of battles, I have been through things that should not happen to anyone, & I have been through absolute tragedy & heartbreak.
I have found each time I am at that point of feeling like it’s all too much, I get this extra strength, it pushes me forward, it gives me the belief I can do it.
I call it my Phoenix, it’s the fire that lives inside, when I need it, it just comes. I am proud of this, grateful for this, I hope I am showing my daughter how to cope & live a good life, whilst managing when things get really hard.
It was one of those hot summer nights, perfect for staying up all night.
I didn’t want to stay inside all night, I wanted to feel alive, I wanted excitement, I wanted pleasure.
I grabbed my girlfriends hand told her let’s go, we both grinned like teenagers again.
The love I feel for this woman is too wild & true to put into words, she loves me so passionately.
I put my hands on either side of her face, looked into those amazing blue eyes & kissed her deep, let her feel my love & desire.
I pulled away leaving both of us breathless, we ran giddy out the door.
I drove up into the hills, I suddenly knew exactly where to go, to show her beauty like her own, to let her see how beautiful I see her.
The drive was windy, we had the music loud, the windows down, her hand on my leg, our hair was blowing out the windows, it was perfect.
I pulled into the forest & drove down the old road, at the end was a view of the city, with the lights reflected on the bay, with the tall buildings, all the colourful lights on display, it looked like a mirage on the bay.
I parked the car, I went to get a blanket out of the boot, I knew she love to sit & just take it all in, she was having none of that.
She pulled me to the front of the car, she kissed me like she couldn’t get enough, her tongue was silk against my own, her breasts pushed up against my own.
She made sure I knew she wanted me right then, she stood back, taking her top of, slowly undoing her jeans, shimmering them down, putting on a display for me.
Standing in her lingerie, I admired her perfect body, every little bump she hated I loved, I loved the parts of her she hated most, her legs, those long lean legs, she hated them, I only see perfection.
I stood up, she yanked my top off, my bra went with it, before I could kiss her, her lips & hands were all over me, making me feel breathless, she is Aphrodite this woman, she knows exactly what I like, she knows how to touch me.
When she was through I struggled to move, she took off her panties, told me to lie back, she had a look on her face that was clear, pure ecstasy was coming her way.
I knew what she wanted, I laid on my back, she quickly gave me access to her core, the taste her nectar she knows I love, happily giving her the pleasure she wanted, licking & sucking the orgasms out of her, not letting her catch her breath.
When we both regained our breath, the sun was slowly rising over the bay.
It was still warm, it was perfect, I felt alive with joy & happiness. We both looked at each other, no words were needed, we could see the love on each other’s faces.
An awful storm hit us, I say it’s awful but really it was just very windy, rainy & cold. Trees came down across the roads, huge gum trees, we were lucky. Our house is fine, we are ok. Other houses were not so lucky.
That’s the thing with living in a forest area, you know in winter with the storms trees will come down, in summer you have to watch for fires.
When you buy a house in this kind of area, you know that’s part of the deal.
This is what makes me really quite cranky, is when residents start to say the trees need to go. I get it if the tree is on their land, & is right next to their house.
However with the trees on nature strips, at the edge of the forest, no, these do not need to go. The trees were here before the houses, the trees are part of the reason we live in a National park zone.
If you didn’t want to live around trees, why buy in this area? This I simply do not understand. I know it’s cheaper here to buy then the city, the blocks & houses are bigger, the schools are less crowded.
I love that my daughter is growing up here, she can ride her bike on the dirt road, she really appreciates nature, loves that she has a forest at her back door. She loves all the native animals she sees, loves learning about the whole ecosystem.
She gets to see the ecosystem working, she can see all the different ways it works, how the environment recycles everything.
She has learnt we should only take what we need, as this is what she sees the environment doing, she sees how even what is discarded by one animal will be used by another.
This to me is education I could not give her, this is nature giving an education. This is how it should be, learning from the land.
I think we can all learn more from watching different ecosystems at work, how nothing is wasted, everything is recycled & they only take what they need.
People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed
The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time
The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown
The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down
There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you
No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars
They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade
Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are
The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry
I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing
Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip
To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders
To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again
To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.
I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to
You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving
I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth
I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move
I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about
You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like
As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.
The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave
I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me
You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me
You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck
You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to
You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off
I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all
As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.
I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again
If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another
I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you
It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours
It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see
The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength
It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.
I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.
My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.
It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.
From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.
As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.
The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.
Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.
So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.
My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.
Maybe next year can be a good one?
I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.
Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.
This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.
This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.
So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.
I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.
Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.
My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.
Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.
So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.
Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?
The pain of past memories can not be contained
The scars are there for all to see, clearly on my skin
They used me, broke me, & threw me away
They can not take my determination to live life to the full
The journey starts with acknowledging what’s been done
If you hide the memories will find you when you are lying in the dark all alone
I started to heal with writing out what’s inside, if I can write it I can say it
This gave me my some power back to say, I am here, I am going to be strong
I questioned so many things on my journey, this is not easy, yes I have my power & life back
This journey will never end, but I choose to rise above, those three evil beings, will not take my future.
When you are walking down the street, browsing at the shops
Someone catches your eye, their beauty you have to admire
You know that you are only admiring, you know they would not look your way
Then they smile, you can see the inside is just as beautiful, you keep walking, just a memory in your mind
Until you see them again, you chat, they flirt a little, you think they are a natural flirt, it’s not because of me
What if they are? What if they see your beauty?
I am far from a catch, I am curvier then most, in both directions
I have so much baggage in so many different forms
I am not beautiful or pretty, just average, when this beautiful woman both inside & out so caring & attentive to the ones she looked after
Started flirting with me, I knew this was not because of me
It was to my surprise I was very wrong, I had done what we all do
I had undervalued myself, in my head made myself believe I was really nothing special
Now I know, I do have qualities I should be proud, do not undervalue yourself
Learn to love what others see in you, do not be ashamed of having self love.
My blood contains my DNA, my biology
It flows through me, it replenishes itself
It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential
Your blood my dear does the same
You have litres of this inside you
Your blood & my blood are different
You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology
I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you
I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away
My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent
It is how I love you, guide you, respect you
Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can
Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself
You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother
The bond we have is stronger then blood.
As I lie here in the dim light
My eyes are hurting, they are so dry
My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm
My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy
My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking
My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair
My mind is the only part of me really on full speed
The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do
I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness
My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained
I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush
I kick the sheet off, the moment I do
There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long
It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds
I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm
This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months
I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.
I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed
The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house
I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose
I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh
The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see
There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up
The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around
The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around
Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.
It seems there is a huge miscommunication between the medical profession & us women. They are all aware of the symptoms of Perimenopause, they are also aware many women can not function even close to what they used to whilst going through it.
Yet there is no real warning of how bad this can be, menopause we are told more about, Perimenopause comes first. I for one had no concept of what could happen or how I could feel, after connecting with hundreds of other women all around the world, all of us were taken by surprise, many of us thinking we were having a breakdown.
Somedays I feel so isolated & alone, other days I feel as if all is ok. I have constant pain, muscle cramps, twitches & severe spasming. Just three days ago, my muscles spasmed so incredibly bad, my body was almost jerking off the bed. If this was a once off I could deal with this ok, however this happens on a fortnightly basis at least, the cramps kick in after, then I am left twitching for a good 24 hours.
Then there is the vertigo that hits without warning at least once every two months, I have never experienced such a sickening & awful feeling, for those that have this all the time, I am astounded at their ability to thrive. After the vertigo, comes the migraine that is always the hang over, this leaves me in bed for at least 6 hours.
There are other things we can not forget, the bloating, the gas, the water retention, the pain all through my body, the constant cracking of bones that never used to happen. The pain of a spine that is put out by the muscle spasms.
I have always had a few allergies, but now they are so extreme, no more favorite foods for me. My anxiety is twice what is should be, the depression has caused severe self hate issues. My brain feels like it is in a constant fog, some days I just can’t seem to make a clear thought.
The tiredness, the fatigue is debilitating, the insomnia means I can very rarely get a good rest. You may be asking yourself what could this be, it sounds like a horrendous condition to me. This is one change in life that is not really talked about, this is called Perimenopause, it’s just before menopause. I happen to have a few severe symptoms which makes life a struggle some days, full time work is now part time.
The issue is, I am lucky, yes you read that right, I have met & spoken to women who are going through this with such severe symptoms they have had to put their lives on hold. Some have ended up in hospital, both for surgery & some because the depression, anxiety & self hatred become far too much.
No one warns us women how bad this can be, no one seems to mention this at all, but if you google this you will find there is so much information & research available, so why does no one warm women of what is to come, how severe this can get? Why does no one warm the men of the world to look out for the women in their lives, that they will need them to be a shoulder to lean on.
I hope someone finds this if interest to take further, to put art to the issues I have told, I am more then happy to provide more information. This is a topic that needs to be discussed, that should not be hidden away. It is natural for women to go through this, so why can we not talk about it.
Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.
Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.
The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.
So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.
Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.
Those days when emotionally you are on the verge
You know everything is ok, but the tears still want to flow
It’s an awful feeling to have within, to hide the sadness
There is no understanding why the sadness is there
It just appears, takes over, leaving you hollow
These days I wish would never come, I want to ban them from within
If only life was that simple, if only our hormones would stay quiet
As a woman once you reach a certain age
These days become familiar, no matter your predisposition
You will learn to fight, to wrestle your happiness back
Trust those who love you, they will fill you up.
I sit down & close my eyes
I focus on the soft sound of the wind
I feel the breeze on my face
I can hear cows in the distance
I can hear no cars or machinery
No ringing phones or tv noise
I can hear the quiet of the mountain top
I can feel the dampness of the grass
I can smell that sweet grass smell
I open my eyes, the view
It stops my breath for a minute
The rolling hills they just seem to go on
They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass
The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill
I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind
I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any
Finally I lie on my back
I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air
I feel at peace, calm, refreshed
I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.
My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.
Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.
The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.
There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.
This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.
This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.
This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.
At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.
I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.
There are moments we can not explain
There are things that happen with no reason
We look for the logic that has to be there
For the rationale to explain it
We even use our imagination to convince ourselves it never happened
Do you remember the last time a photo fell, no reason for this, it was secure in a frame, it could not fall of the wall
The photo was held down to ensure it could not blow away, the last time a family heirloom just appeared, you forgot you had it
There are not happenings you can ignore
These instances can not be explained by logic
There is a energy that exists, along side us as we walk through life
You will sense it every now & then, a familiar smell in the air, a distinctive feeling you had around a loved one
The ones we love who have passed on, they do not leave us here alone
They are here, sometimes they want to remind you of who you are,
Where you have come from, & that they are with you
Next time a photo falls with no reason, or you can smell a familiar scent or get that feeling
Don’t ignore it, open yourself to them, tell them you are ok, tell them you do feel them, you have not forgotten.
He sits on the cold blue stone, an old cardboard box is his only comfort
His hair has been shaved, just a slight covering of short hair to protect his head
If you look close enough, you can see the blue tinge of cold skin
His shoes have holes, he had no socks on, his pants were dirty, the grime of the street had changed the colour from green to brown
His jacket is an old checkered shirt, tears are clear to see
You know when the wind blows he would feel it go through him
His jacket is torn, he tries to pull the jacket together, as he does another rip appears
A woman walks by, quickly her feet go, the sound of her heels getting quicker as she ignores what is right in front of her
She is determined to look straight ahead, pulling her daughter as quick as she can, the look of disgust on her face is clear, no effort is given to hiding this
The girl looks at him confused, with concern in her eyes, has not been taught to fear him, or presume who & what he must be, he has no doubt the mother will instil this in her to ensure she is not lead astray
This ignorance he is used to, the presumption of who and what he must be, the way they think he lives his life, the reason he must be homeless & unwashed
He used to try to engage them in conversation, he doesn’t anymore, he just shakes his head as they walk on by
This was a behaviour he was used to, people found it easier to ignore him then face the failure of a neglectful society
Too many like him, he thinks to himself have been forgotten, they live at a address unknown, they do not have a place to call home
They do not know where the next meal is coming from, or if they will eat at all
The hardest part he has to witness, is the younger generation appearing on the streets
If men & women like him don’t look out for them, they are prey for those with no morals
He thinks to himself, it would not take much to change a few things, change societies perception of those like him
To understand it is the minority that have addictions, most like him have been left with nothing, due to the failure of society, & a population that does seem to care about the likes of him.
Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.
For those who have bad times
For those that second guess themselves
For those who doubt themselves
For those who do it alone
For those who have ones with angel wings
For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done
For those that are a chosen parent
For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own
For the grandparents raising another generation
For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances
This is for you, to remind you
You are doing great, you have no manual to follow
You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you
You give unconditional love, you give them such care
For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.
These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did
Happy Parents Day!!!!
The passion of a new love is all consuming
It’s amazing how long this can last, the fire in your blood when you hear their voice
The way your stomach fills with butterflies when you see their car pull up
You constantly smooth your hair & clothes trying to be discreet
As time moves on you get into a routine, both of your lives changing to accommodate the relationship
Then you notice the passion of new love has gone, but if you are lucky like me
It is replaced with passion you know is real, long lasting passion
You may notice like me that the butterflies come round, not all the time, but quite often they appear
I still put the effort into making sure I look good, I want her to know I do that for her, to make sure she knows she is special
I try to make sure everything is as it should be, sometimes I get this not quite right
When you show her what she means, how much you appreciate & love her body, don’t hold back, make sure she knows you are wanting to please her
When you are done she should be so sated, her legs are jelly & she drifts into a slumber
The effort is there to make it clear, the passion is love, this love is real, I love you for all that you are, never change who you are, you are amazing the way you are.
You hit me with your pain, I turn it into beauty
Do not think I am breakable, I am stronger then you know
When you push me to my limits, as you do every single person
I will not let you bring me down, I will not let you take my inner shine away
I know we are in your hands, as fate, you have many surprises in store
When you think I am about to break, my dear fate
With all the pressure I feel inside, I will turn my pain into diamonds, I will let them shine within.
The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy
I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them
I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together
I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you
The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first
Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him
I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you
As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you
I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret
Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.
Everyday I think of things to tell you
Everyday I know there is no text coming
Everyday I have moments where I feel empty
Everyday I remind myself I am your daughter
Everyday I tell myself how strong you were
Everyday I have a memory of laughter
I know you are saying
I will always be right here
I know may not see me, but I know you feel my presence
I am proud of you remember that
I know you have my strength
I always knew you had intelligence
I can see you are happy
I know this was a battle
It’s ok to grieve, we are all allowed to feel
When it’s time, let them watch you stand back up
Let them watch you flourish again.
I am in a room of people, I can smell a mixture of cheap perfume, aftershave that has been applied heavily, there is a undertone of body odour from a day in the office
My feet are hurting, damm these heels! I know they look good, but they are not worth the pain, my hair is done up, for a change I decided to tie it up, not so much hair in my face
As I am about to go & find a drink, I notice out of the corner of my eye a woman looking back at me, she has put effort into how she looks, but her hair is messy, not smoothly tied up, & the make up, no there is no make up
I breathe & it hits me, that is me! I forgot make up, my hair is a bit of a mess, my top is a too loose, my pant…. STOP
All of a sudden the anxiety express starts, my breathing starts to increase, there is a layer of sweat on my hands, the room is hot, too hot, my chest, the pain is starting again
I struggle to get out the door, walking into people & spilling drinks, I know everyone is looking, wondering who invited the crazy girl
They will be thinking I look like a mess, no effort put into how I look, they will think I am drunk, the reason I can’t walk straight
I get outside, I sit down & curl my knees up, I know what I have to do now, talk the anxiety back into it’s box
As hard as I try, the anxiety keeps clawing & biting, taking all my strength, until with one last try down it goes, time for me to go, I can make it home
This is the reason I stay at home, I can only go out when I am feeling strong, stronger then anxiety.
As she lay in bed she could feel her body & mind changing, after the last 48 hours she desperately needed this reprieve. It wasn’t that she wasn’t used to her emotions overwhelming her, she just hated the numbness they brought with them.
She often just let this take over, let is the wrong word, she often felt like she had no control over this numbness taking over her, & she hated it, whenever this happened she just walked away from relationships, it was too much.
This time things were different, her partner had taken the time to read about & learn how numbness can be sent packing.
No one else, including herself had ever even given this any time, no one bothered to understand her mental health, but this one, she did, & it changed everything.
There was a way to stop the numbness taking over, & she was not alone, to know so many others struggled with this made her feel more normal, more understood.
This time when her emotions started to take over she didn’t have to fight the numbness, after fighting it several times her mind knew what to do. It was not something she even really had to think about.
Lying in bed the sense of relief is huge, oh she knows there will be times she has to fight it, but not this time.
The love she has for her partner is filling her heart, not the emptiness she is used to after some bad arguments. She wants to cuddle her partner let her know she loves her.
This is new, this is how it should be she thought. She knows she is lucky, she knows this is a moment to remember.
Some days it seems like I am just flooded with memories, something starts them off, & they just don’t stop.
It’s a double edged sword having an almost photographic memory. I remember everything people say to me, even the little things that don’t matter. What I love most, I remember every moment of watching my daughter grow.
The other side is I remember all the ugly things from my life. All the moments I want to forget, the moments that you realise you were right about someone, they were not who you thought they were.
It could be something someone said or did, maybe just a smell or a taste. Then one of those memories will start up, playing like a movie in your mind.
Before you know it, you are flooded by memories, the emotions start, you can feel the tears start to build, your chest gets tighter, you start to feel empty, yet there is pain & that feeling of being betrayed. This all happens at once, before you know it, you are wanting to just curl up & go to sleep.
Does anyone else experience this? Or is it just me? Am I the only one that associates smell with memories? I don’t think I could be, as the sense of smell is the most reliable memory, according to experts.
So today, I had a really good day, then I was hit with all of this. For an hour or so I was too overwhelmed to do much about it, then I said no, not today. If this was a PTSD memory I would not have been able to.
So here I sit, starting to feel more me again. I am aware that not everyone can turn their moods around, my father taught me so many things, this was something he taught me, as my mind is like his, it never stops.
You also may have noticed, I love a good filter! 😏
The last few weeks have been so up & down, mental health has been all over the place for the whole household, & for me as well perimenopause. It’s horrendous.
However last week everything took a turn for the better, everything settled, no arguments, everyone was happy, it was a different household.
This is when sometimes you get lucky, it’s been a process to get here, for both my partner & myself to adjust to everything, to the changes that were thrust upon us at the start of the year.
We knew we would move in together at some point, the timing just had to be right to make sure not only was it right for us, but my 10 year old daughter.
However fate disagreed, my partners brother, who was living with her, & paying rent, which paid part of the mortgage suddenly passed away at the age of 34.
Within 48 hours of this a decision had to be made, does she move in here, or try to pay a mortgage alone. The answer to most would be clear, but you don’t want to move in with your partner under these sort of circumstances.
We made the decision, by the end of the week we were officially living together. The mood in the house was depressive to say the least, 24 hours after her brother died my father died.
You want your partners support going through such grief, we were both frustrated that we could not have this as it should be, as we were both in such deep grief.
We worked through it, made changes, cleared things up, most of all, we learnt the best way for us to communicate.
So, as much as this year has been a struggle, I still feel lucky. I still feel as though I have been given a second chance.
You kiss me hard
as you unbutton my shirt
expertly slip off my bra
and pull up my skirt
I lead you to our bed
Sit you down on the edge
and start to explore
I take my time whilst I can
We both know you will be deliciously ready soon
My lips press into every inch of you
As you start moving your hips in desire
As vulnerable as you are lying there
exposed, legs apart
Not anything I see other then love & lust in your eyes
I pull you up, move your back up against our headboard
I slowly start to make my way down to your ready core
I know you want to watch, to see how much I enjoy tasting you
You love to watch me licking you
I lick extra slow, the feeling I get knowing you are watching
Starts me squirming, I know this won’t be for long
As soon as you start riding me, I can’t help but let me body release
The moment I do, I feel you shudder in pleasure
I taste all of you, I swirl my tongue around inside you
as you grab my hand
Squeezing mine as you reach your climax
I know this is just the first, the warm up release
I plan to ensure you are licked dry by the time I am through
As you roll your head back in pleasure
I start changing my rhythm again
As I start your body reacts
I know your body is getting ready again
After we are both sated, we lie bodies entangled, our love a bridge glowing between us.
The way the light skimmed over your curves, the light of the sun caressing each curve
The way it lit up your skin, every part of your soft skin exposed seemed to be shimmering
It was memorising to see, your perfect body reflected at me, I feel so fortunate to be the one you have chosen
Your skin was showing me exactly how soft & touchable it is
Breathing even & deep, your hands are softly lying on the sheet, fingers slightly bent
Your long legs are almost stretched out, just a slight bend at the knee, your favourite way to lie
Your hips are lying towards the sheet, you will move on to your stomach in your sleep
Your lips are slightly parted, plump & kissable your lips always look like an invitation to me
You slowly move one arm, you are deep asleep, yet your hand starts searching for me
I take your hand, I rub your back, you let out a deep breath, relaxing that much more
You make a small sound, it is the sound of contentment
This is all I need to hear and see, this is all I need to fall into my own deep slumber
Before I do I appreciate the most amazing part of you, the light inside of you
This burns bright, you love so passionately and fully, you are so loyal and protective of our family
This is what I love most, you love me I know, you also love my girl, who now is our girl
She adores you and loves you, just like you do her, your guidance and assurance you give to her
This has changed her life. As you lie in the sun, as my eyes close, I know we are lucky, and she is lucky to have 3 Mums.
Don’t worry, there is nothing to fear
I live inside you, I am the one that taunts you
Inside your head, who makes you question yourself
Who makes you doubt those around you
Do not be afraid, I just needed to stretch
I felt as if you were trying to push me out
My space inside was getting smaller and smaller
Almost as if you were taking back control
I promise you now, that I will fight to keep control, there is nothing you can do or feel to banish me
I exist inside you, I am part of you, I am sure you love me
Love is such an odd emotion, if that’s what I feel you have towards me
I do not think this is quite right, as lately there is a new feeling inside
It really makes me very sick, I can not tolerate this pure feeling
So if you don’t mind, please allow me some more room, & stop this pure, happy feeling
I would appreciate it
You will hear from me again soon I can assure you
Just as soon as I find out why I am locked out.
I sit in silence under the tree
I have my back against the rough bark
I can feel the different textures of bark through my tee shirt
I have my eyes closed
But I know this tree
It’s so big I can’t fit my arms around it
It’s trunk is strong, it’s tall & wide
There aren’t many branches until you look further up
The top of the tree is full of big branches, all covered with green leaves
Once in awhile you will see a koala sitting up there
I can hear the wind building getting ready to blow
As it starts the slight smell of eucalyptus starts wafting
As it gets stronger I can hear the leaves rustling, I can imagine them dancing in the wind
As the wind gets stronger I hear the big branches start to creak
This is the moment I look up & open my eyes
To watch the majestic tree dance in the wind
I feel at peace, I breathe in the strong smell of eucalyptus
I take in all the different green of the leaves
This is where my mind is finally still & quiet
This is my quiet, this is my place to be completely still & quiet.
I woke up to a room, the colour was gold, I knew this room was cream
It took me a minute, then it clicked, it was sunrise of course
I had stayed at my parents house, it was the morning after my father’s funeral
Sunrise was special to Dad, he made a point of watching it, telling me the sun on the sea is gods fingers
I reached over, unlocked the sliding door in my parents spare room & let the air in
The smell of the sea filled the room, I could hear the waves crashing, I knew this will be no ordinary sunrise, it’s the morning after Dads funeral
I stepped out the glass sliding door, keeping my head down
I walked over the cool outdoor tiles, feeling the roughness of dried salt water on my feet
I stood at their fence, it reaches to just above my waist
I take a deep breath, inhaling the sea air again, I raise my head, I finally open my eyes
My eyes are seeing something so beautiful my brain is not quite understanding
The sun is gold, there is a beautiful light gold halo around the sun, this changes to a light red
The sun is stretching its fingers, I trace them with my eyes
The reflection on the sea is that same as in the sky
I am looking at a double sunrise, the sea is calm the reflection not moving
I can’t help but be overcome, the beauty memorising
I knew in my heart, Dad was saying it’s ok, I am ok, you are too my beautiful daughter.
Trigger warning sexual assault.
In case you missed the above this could be a trigger for sexual assault survivors.
PTSD four little letters, the meaning most people seem to think it must be combat related.
This is so wrong, I do not understand why they don’t see trauma as a whole, any trauma can cause PTSD.
For me, well I have 2, one more recent & I 20 years ago.
You know that girl you see at parties in your 20’s, she is confident, an extravert, can make anyone smile, she actually cares about people, she makes people feel listened to.
I was that girl, people have always just opened up to me. Always feeling comfortable around me, I never said no, people need to be heard.
On such a night at a party, I was being me, when a ‘friend’ asked if he could talk to me alone. He had a girlfriend, he has often been very open, he had earned my trust.
I am not going to go into details, I don’t really want to or feel it’s necessary. I did say yes, I did go to chat with him. That is the only thing I said yes to, to talk.
He made it very clear he was not a fan of lesbians that night, something I was not aware of.
Yes this was assault & a gay hate crime.
I ran home that night, I only told one person, I felt ashamed, I felt degraded, I felt dirty & I was sure the authorities would just think, oh another hate crime.
The authorities were not great at dealing with gay hate crimes in the 90’s, often they went unreported because of this, & the way women were treated when they did come forward.
I kept it to myself for 7 years until I had a breakdown. There is only so long you can keep it all inside.
I finally told my partner, then my parents. My parents were beside themselves, my dad felt like he should have protected me, my mum was upset she hadn’t pushed me, she knew something was very wrong.
I was no longer the extravert, the confident girl, I was the anxiety ridden one in the corner. Trying to hide from people I didn’t know, & some I did.
It has taken years to get to a stage where I can talk about it, & not break down. Actually be able to move on as much as I can.
Then something will happen, for me a trigger I was not expecting, I thought I was ok, no I was not. It built up, depression kicked in, then bang, every single moment of that night is a movie on repeat in my mind.
Now I start the road back again, I wish it was that easy. This road is so narrow, with cliffs on either side, if you fall, you start all over again.
It’s a steep road, exhausting to climb, it will take every bit of your strength to make it. Not just physically, it’s your mental strength. It will push you off if it can.
So, I am going to get ready, try to pull what strength I have together, find strength in those around me that love me.
Let my girlfriend hold me in her arms & give me some peace. Let me soothe the open wound.
This is my story, my journey. Every person’s story & journey is different.
We all do have one thing in common, we know we are all climbing all the time, we all gather our strength when we can. We all know how it feels to fall, but also how it feels to reach the summit.
To my girlfriend, Babe you are even more then I can express. Thank you for loving me, accepting me & my situation. For taking on being a Mum & you have blown me away. Xo
This woman of mine is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.
This woman is real, her flesh is soft & she tastes of honey.
Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she saves a special smile just for me.
To my woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday as you have come further then you know.
To face your fear in the eyes
And know that you are stronger then you believe
I will be right here beside you, I will listen have patience
I will show kindness, love & care
I will be your strength when you feel weak, I will pull you up when you feel low
Do not doubt my commitment to you
From here on it will be you & me
Don’t ever feel you are not enough to me my love you are more then enough.
You have given yourself a path in life that was unexpected, you have done this for me.
Ever been so hurt you can’t cry, you can’t move, you are stuck
Stuck in no mans land full of pain, rejection & emptiness
The person who hurt you is standing right there, they are not aware you can not move
They have gone into another place, they have dissociated
This was not their intent, they did not mean to, but in a moment of anger
To protect themselves, without meaning to they locked the emotions away
The way they look at you, the love is just not there, locked up for the moment
Along with the care & understanding, they are right there watching you cry
It hurts, it cuts so deep you can’t express the pain you are in
They just don’t seem to care at all, this is like jagged glass cutting your heart in half
The pain goes into your every cell, you can feel yourself slipping straight into the dark hole
The pain is so intense it almost knocks you out, maybe that would be better you think
Then a little part of you remembers it’s not their fault
This is a part of them they can’t always control
They can control coming back, you know this inside
You know they want to, but the resistance within them is so strong
You are the anchor to their ship that tries to sail away
Stand up out of that dark hole, don’t let them look away
Show them your pain, show them you care, show them you will be there
Take them in your arms, let them relax & feel safe for a minute
Then ask them to look within, to find the embers of the fire that burns for you
Tell them to Stoke that fire, bring them back to you
As hard as it is, you know this will happen again, you will need to rescue them
You know also that the love you have is more fulfilling & joyous then the occasional pain of the disassociation.
I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.
Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.
She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.
The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.
As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.
So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.
It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?
I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.
It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.
I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.
So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.
By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.
We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.
My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.
At least that is my hope.
One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.
It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.
Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.
It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.
When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.
You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.
So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.
It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.
Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.
I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.
As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.
It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.
You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.
So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.
That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.
However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.
I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.
We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.
For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.
Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.
If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.
Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.
There are some people who meet in life who are just meant to be together, their energies mix together, with no thought at all
They meet sometimes when they are too young, too early to make a life long commitment
The love is strong, they do not realise this will stay with them, when they meet again their energy attaches to one another
She is soft, so beautiful, a slight accent can be heard, as generous with all she has, sometimes to a fault
She is light, comfort, a force of nature in his eyes, his future he can see the minute they meet again, his soul calling hers to come & be as one
He is a tall strapping man, she can’t help but to stare, she can feel the pull of 2 souls that should be together
He is her safety, her protector from the harshness of life, he will not let her struggle in her life she knows
Together they make a new life, blissful happiness can seem like a dream to so many, they have no struggle to live in blissful love
As life goes on, tragically the unexpected can happen, deaths in the family of younger ones, children who struggle to make it on their own
They know together they can get through all of the pain, together they know they are stronger, together they are one
Late in life our bodies do change, our health is not the same, bones broken are harder to heal, other ailments do appear these are sometimes harder to see
For 2 souls who are together as one, this can be heartbreaking to see
For him he hates to see her struggling with the simplest tasks, the every day occurrence not seeming so effortless now
For her, she is in awe, he stands by her, he lifts her up, he gives her a reason to make the effort, he gives her the strength she needs inside everyday
Life is such a fickle mistress, you never know what she will do next, but when you see 2 souls as 1, she can change things all she likes
There will be no breaking of these 2, they will stand strong, they will love each other in such a way, it is like breathing, no effort is needed, their love is pure, no darkness will seep in
The peace in their souls will not be disturbed, this kind of love is rare to see, it will last well beyond the length of life.
I looked in the mirror & sighed, I was all lumps, bumps & boobs. It seemed I had 3 chins & a tired look on my face
The bags underneath my eyes were looking so dark & obvious, there were extra wrinkles around my eyes
I lifted my arm, I swear it wobbled, like a flag of fat blowing in the breeze
My legs were looking like tree trunks, where had my ankles gone?
I had to just stop for a minute, hang on I said to myself, who are you? How strong are you? Are you a survivor?
Hell yes!! I said in my head, I have been through more then most.
Right, said a little voice inside my head, stop with the self depreciation, stop with the negative, the voice was getting louder, you are in control, take back your own self.
I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath, I slowly opened my eyes & looked in the mirror.
Look at you, you are strong, relsiliant. You are caring & loving, you are generous & talented.
So what if you have lumps & bumps, your body is your story.
Own your story.
As I look back over the past 18 months, so much has changed.
I am a very social soul by nature, however I have always been more comfortable on the other end of the phone, or having a few friends at home.
For me, who had been thrust into being a single mum due to tragic circumstances 18 months before, being at home was somewhat a welcome break. I could just be at home, work at home, everything!
Of course I felt lonely, I had become accustomed to that feeling.
Most people have said how much their relationship suffered, how being together all the time was an eye opener. I did not envy them, until a beautiful woman knocked me down.
We met in unusual circumstances, during a pandemic there is no other way to meet, we had met briefly before, she knew my story well.
We were talking when I was visiting my wife, in the facility she now lives, unable to move or talk, all of that was taken in a flash. This woman was saying, like so many others, she could not get basic food.
I explained that I had enough to share of the basics she might need, she quickly accepted my offer, we exchanged details, she said she would be over after work.
She came at 4pm & left at 3am. We kept talking online, when she asked if I had considered a relationship again.
That was that, here we are, blissfully happy, she knows she shares me with another, it is a unique situation.
Unique in so many ways, both of us have bipola, I have PTSD & anxiety. This could be complicated, which is why communication & always working on our relationship is the way we make sure we are ok.
I somehow found happiness again, during the darkest of times for society.
EllPoet Emotionally Raw Poetry. 