It’s been awhile between drinks.

I have been absent for awhile, my life just seemed to speed out of control, I was not in the drivers seat, I was watching, nervous, full of anxiety, biting my nails, tears constantly flowing & no ability to grab the wheel again.

That’s how my I was recently, it’s been building up for the last 12 months, I thought I was just feeling a bit down.

I was wrong, just over 3 months ago I feel into the deepest depths of depression I have ever experienced.

I have been through a lot in my 46 years. Trauma marks my past with neon colours.

Then to top it off my girlfriend breaks up with me. I love this woman, we had a future, we have a family. I finally found happiness again, started to accept me before the depression hit.

How do you get past severe depression with a broken heart. I had no idea how, honestly I still don’t. The depression is lapping at my ankles as if it is the ocean.

My heart, not even starting to heal, how do you stop loving someone, someone you wanted to marry & still do.

The thing is, something awful happened to her, something that changes you. I understand why she needed time, however I don’t know why anyone would push away someone who loves them when they need support.

So here I am now, back to working & putting on a brave face. I try to hide the tears that come every night.

The future, I can’t get my head around. I can’t see a future without her in it, it won’t come to my mind, it just hurts too much.

Scott – Patrick Mitchell & I.

I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing Scott – Patrick Mitchell for a radio show, the show never happened. However Scott – Patrick’s poetry needs to be read, it is raw, emotional & takes you on his journey.

He has a book out called Clean, his journey of recovery. Please, please take the time to read his book.

Here is the interview, his website is: https://redroompoetry.org/poets/scott-patrick-mitchell/

Monster.

A monster lives within me
This monster tells me everything I do wrong
It tells me how awful I look, how bumpy my body is
It taunts me, I am so monstrous I should hide behind a mask
I can not go out with the real me on display

To this monster I say, you are wrong, not me
I do not look awful, my body has forty five years of life mapping, I would expect bumps
I am not monstrous, I fought hard to find me, I will not hide, I am not perfect, I am perfectly imperfect.

Entwined.

Everlasting love I believed was a fairytale for me

I was on the sidelines watching life pass me by

Watching my friends move on with life, I was frozen in time

I jerked myself awake, I told myself I have to try

A little girls heart broken from trauma, I knew I had to start

She had lost one parent, I would not let her loose another

She could not grieve, my wife had not passed, a claustrophobic injury to the brain

I started living, step by step, I was lonely, full of sadness

Yet you somehow could see past that, you started knocking on my wall of sadness

You showed me, slowly that I could be happy, I could be more

Day by day my wall crumbled, then you kissed me

My wall dropped, a new feeling I had inside, I knew I had felt it before

Joy started to fill me up, I started smiling, laughing, then loving

Our life is complicated, our life is full, our life is unique

Our everlasting love is strong, I stand by you proudly my love.

Self Belief – A constant struggle.

My girlfriend says to me quite often, maybe your not a bad writer? Maybe you can relate to people. She says this not in a mean way, it’s a reminder to me, to have some self belief, to stop having to faith in my work.

This is something I find confronting, I know very few people who can say they are good at something, or give them selves some recognition for when things go well. As a writer when you are submitting you are putting yourself out there, the rejections pile up, if you get a response.

An acceptance is always unexpected, it’s like I have won the lottery. I am floored every time, I always question it, are they sure, do they actually like my work? Maybe they didn’t get any others? The reality is, they like it.

I find this unfathomable that they like it & relate to it. I acknowledge that I must have some self belief if I am submitting, but I can’t feel it or find it. Until now.

A magazine is publishing me three months in a row, they publish one piece of writing per issue, this made me understand that yes, maybe I can write, maybe I need to start having a bit more confidence.

We all struggle with self belief, it’s when these wins happen that help us see, maybe we aren’t so bad. No matter what you do, look out for those moments, hang on to that belief.

Storm Of Grief.

The affliction suffered has decayed the body

Taking within, killing the inside slowly

Once a warrior, now unable to stand

Tightly holding on to dignity

There will be no reprieve

The suffering is silent to save the hearts of your cherished ones

A devoted wife, never leaving your now quivering soul alone

A daughter, the desire to see her is pushed down

You will not condemn her, will not let her last memory of you

Be one of such pain

The awareness that her heart is breaking, you will protect her

Until your dying breath
You let go

The loss I feel inside my heart, my soul is profound

My father, who gave so much, schooled me on life

Showed me how to balance the insane with the sane

Never will there be a day I do not miss you

Never will there be a day, I won’t ensure your love, my mother, is weathering the storm of grief.

Uncaged.

She runs in her pink dress, pink ribbons flying from her hair

Little Mary Janes shiny & new, she is a perfect picture

She knows she should not be playing with the boys

She knows she will disappoint her parents again

Coming in all dirty, hair falling everywhere, new shoes scraped

She has no desire to play with the girls, she doesn’t want to pretend

She turns thirteen, she is the tomboy, loves being outdoors

She pretends to like boys, fitting in, seeming normal

She reaches eighteen, no longer trying to be someone else

She is quirky, she is the one to stand up for others

Finally at twenty one she begs for acceptance, boys are not for her

Acceptance is not given, breaking her heart in two

Aimlessly she walks alone, for ninety days, she is ready to give up

Acceptance comes out of the blue, a true heartfelt apology given

Life starts to move in a new direction, of openness & honesty

The relief she feels within, to finally live cage less

The happiness is clear, a journey has started, a new life

A life she is free to spread her wings, to embrace who she is

I never thought I could, I did, I am & I will, live as a proud gay woman.

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

At the grand age of 45 I am learning a new skill, the art of writing rap. I have always just let my writing flow, it comes naturally. I have never gone to classes or done any courses until this year.

An opportunity came my way to help write a short film, along with others, one of the writers naturally writes rap. After reading what she wrote the whole short film will be rap.

So here I am trying to get how this is done, it’s a completely different way of writing. I enjoy listening to rap music, I have a whole new level of respect for the artists.

It is not an easy way to write, to get it to flow just right, to make sure everything sounds easy. I am lucky that I have someone to run things by, as my first attempt which I thought was good, was not rap. It didn’t rhyme enough, the flow wasn’t there & it was hard to voice.

Learning this made me think, as we travel through life we learn new skills all the time, sometimes it’s great to challenge ourselves to learn something completely different. Something which makes us change the way we think.

To really push ourselves outside that comfort zone, I know a lot of sites say to do this to improve yourself. No, it’s not about improvement, it’s about pushing ourselves in a way that we find fun, interesting & enjoyable.

We all need ways to keep our minds busy, I am finding this is a really great & fun way, yes it definitely hurts my brain, but I am loving learning something that is completely different for me.

So, let yourself imagine something you would like to try, that’s completely different for you. Add more enjoyment to your life.

Chemistry ignites – short erotic story.

Sheila had always had a fantasy woman, this woman always appeared in her erotic dreams, & she always thought of her when pleasuring herself. She could imagine how it would be to kiss her breasts, run her hand down her back, lick her pussy, just like she does an ice cream. How it would feel to have this woman touch her breasts, suck on them, push her fingers inside her.

The feelings were so intense as she came, always guaranteed to work. Her woman was blonde, short, lean but curvy, with a great arse. She had attitude, almost the bad girl, full of sex appeal. Not full of herself, unaware of how attractive she is, she walks with a sexy swagger.

Sheila went out one night, she was meant to go with Marcia who cancelled at the last minute, Sheila decided she hadn’t been to the Lesbian bar for some time, why not go alone. She dressed up in her favorite low cut top, with DD breasts & a push up bra she knew the top looked good. She wore her favorite black jeans & stiletto boots. Not too much make up, & of course her green leather jacket.

Sheila walked in to the bar, feeling apprehensive, she hadn’t been out alone before, she had always wanted to, just to prove to herself she could. She walked up to the bar & ordered her standard drink a scotch on the rocks. Top shelf scotch, she loved a good scotch. Sheila took a sip & licked her lips, she closed her eyes as the familiar burning sensation went down her throat, good scotch she thought.

‘Excuse me, can I sit here?’ Said a voice next to her, Sheila opened her eyes & blinked, was something in her drink? Her woman was in front of her, exactly as she imagined. The only thing different, she was living & breathing.

‘Sure, ah yep.’ Sheila said in a quiet voice. ‘Thanks, just stopped for a quick drink. Hey can I get a top shelf scotch on the rocks?’ Sheila looked in awe, she had good taste. ‘So, uh, I haven’t seen you here before?’ Sheila could have slapped herself, did she really just say that?

‘Ha! That’s an old line, no I don’t go to bars much, I tend to stick to home & friends. Actually, I hate being hit on, I stay away from bars, clubs, all of it.’ Sheila nodded ‘sorry, that just came out. I didn’t mea’ Sheila was cut off. ‘Don’t worry, look I am just here for the drink. Where are your friends?’

‘Well, um I came alone actually.’ Sheila went bright red with embarrassment. ‘Seriously? Girl that takes guts, good on you. You never know what will happen. I like a woman who walks to her own beat.’ Her blue eyes looked straight into Sheila’s, keeping her transfixed.

‘So you like good Scotch, do you live locally? Oh, ha I am Axel, nice to meet you.’ Sheila looked at Axel ‘Sheila, & yes I live within walking distance. I love a good scotch, I have two indulgences, Scotch & lingerie.’

‘Oh, who is the lingerie for?’ Axel asked. ‘Me, I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Sheila said getting more confident. ‘Well I am going to be forward, how about we go to your place & enjoy some scotch?’ Axel said whilst obviously looking at Sheila’s chest. Sheila sat up straighter & pushed her chest out a bit, making it clear they were Axels for the taking.

Axel looked up, ‘Maybe whilst we enjoy a scotch you could put on some lingerie for me to admire you in?’ Sheila felt her pulse quicken, wetness pooled in her panties, she was desperate to undress Axel. ‘Axel I would love to sit in a corset & suspenders, with crotchless knickers, red I think, for you to admire & watch me get the scotch ready.’ Sheila had never been so bold in her life. Axel chocked on some scotch, obviously not expecting such boldness.

‘Let’s go babe, I can drive you.’ Axel said as she put money down for the drinks, grabbed Sheila’s hand & pulled her towards the exit. Sheila could feel Axels pulse was quick, her palms a little sweaty, her swagger almost had Sheila drooling.

Axel unlocked her car, Sheila got in the passenger side, she was about to pull her seat belt across, when Axel leant across, kissing her lightly on the top of her breasts, Axel grabbed the seat belt & clicked it in. Sheila was squirming. ‘Anticipation baby, I want you soaking wet for me.’ Axel said with a crocked smile. Sheila closed her eyes & moaned.

Sheila unlocked her front door, walked into the kitchen, grabbed Axel & lifted her on to the counter. Before Axel could speak Sheila kissed her, parting her lips with her tongue, Sheila slowly drew out Axels tongue & started sucking it. Axel pulled back, ‘I want your tongue inside me.’ Sheila laughed & said ‘Anticipation baby.’ Axel grabbed her & took of her jacket, top & bra quickly, she squeezed one breast & started sucking on the other.

Sheila could feel this was not going to take long, Axel pushed down her jeans, & in a swift movement, parted her legs & thrust her fingers inside her, Sheila’s legs almost gave way with the pleasure. Axel turned her around, put an arm around her waist, bent her forward & thrust two fingers in & out, it was as if Axel knew what she wanted, Axel started to thrust harder & faster, Sheila could feel herself dripping down her leg, suddenly the most intense orgasm took her over. Axel didn’t stop, she kept going whilst Sheila felt like she had honey running through her veins. The feeling was euphoric.

As her orgasm started to dim Sheila took Axels fingers out, spun around & almost ripped off Axels jeans. Sheila spread her legs wide & pushed her tongue inside her. The taste, the taste of Axel was so sweet, as it ran down Sheila’s throat she moaned the taste & feel of Axel was bringing another orgasm. Sheila licked up to her clit, she sucked on her clit, flicking it with her tongue. Axel was trying so hard to control herself, not to finish yet, but her body had other ideas.

Sheila licked up into Axel as far as she could, she thrust her tongue in & out, suddenly Axels orgasm took over, Axel squirted right down Sheila’s throat. Sheila orgasmed again from the feel, the taste, the bucking of Axels hips.

Sheila stood up, ‘how about that scotch now?’ Axel looked at her with fuzzy eyes, ‘sure baby, then round two.’ Sheila shivered at the thought, she went & got her best bottle of scotch & two glasses. She hoped they would be up all night.

Fan the embers.

You ain’t the same, your light is dimming

I know you don’t mean to, life just extinguishers your flame

All the stress, the constant slamming of demands on you

Time to kick it back, stop saying yes, stop being the pleaser

Your the number one, take yourself to the front of the queue

Tell others do not pass go, do not collect $200

Let’s grab some fine food, refuel your fire, fan the embers

Get some rest, turn off that phone, curl up in my arms

Be warm & snug, on the flip side you will return to you.

Ten things about me & what they mean.

I read a blog post today, & found it interesting to know more about the writer, so here are ten things about me, & what they mean.

Hair colour: Blonde

Eye colour: Blue/Green

Fun Fact: I am ridiculously clumsy.

Favourite stone: every girl loves diamonds, for me I love the black ones, they are mysterious & beautiful.

Black diamonds represent inner strength and justice. They are great for a woman who wants to stand apart and stand strong in her conviction.

Favourite colour: I have always loved green, it reminds me of the forest.

Prone to putting lots of importance on money and security.

Those who love green desperately want to feel secure in both their finances and relationships. They’re also social butterflies and are probably on a diet as we speak.

Favourite drink: Coffee, Latte if I can!!

Latte drinkers like to choose options that are safe and familiar. The latte is like a security blanket that offers warmth and support in the middle of a harsh day. Those soft peaks of foamed milk on the top of a latte are like little pillows that cushion blows from the cruel world. A latte might be your go-to drink if you like comfort, familiarity, and coziness. Fans of the latte tend to also love things like fuzzy scarves and handmade throw pillows.

Favourite music: heavy metal & hard rock I find soothing.

If you enjoy rock and heavy metal, then your mind is quite intuitive and open to future possibilities. You love to weave ideas and reflect on your life.

Favourite sleeping position: I have always slept on my side, either side, but generally left.

If sleeping on either of your sides is your go-to comfy position, it means you are an easy-going person, who welcomes everyone with an open heart.

Further, if your preferred sleeping side is left you may be more creative.

Favourite season: I love the start of spring, the end of winter, it’s not too hot & not too cold.

If spring is your favorite season, then you might crave new experiences, and the spring season offers the chance of renewal that you need after a long, cold winter.

Mountains or beach: I hate sand, & I love mountains.

You like seclusion. CREATIVE It is likely that you have a creative pursuit in your life. It could either be writing, painting, sketching, or singing. You belong to the mountains because you think they bring out the best in you.

PHILOSOPHICAL, you like conversations that are much deeper. You love talking about art, nature, life and philosophy. Also, this makes you a much better listener.

Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Suddenly single.

So, your life has suddenly changed, weather it be a relationship breakdown or a tragic event. You find yourself in unfamiliar waters, wondering what the hell do I do know?

Firstly you are not alone, secondly have you stocked up on your favourite alcoholic beverage? Trust me you will need it.

 

It’s hard moving on, or in my case, my wife has an Acquired Brain Injury & can not talk or move, I am very lucky that I have met someone else, who understands they share my heart.

There is a lot to that story, but we are here to talk about you. I know you are probably feeling awful, looking at all your lumps & bumps. Let me tell you, other people won’t care, & do not see them like you do. They will see your beauty inside & out. However, I have learnt putting in effort every day to look good seriously helps!

 

You don’t have to love all of yourself yet, let’s start with one thing. For me, my boobs! I am a DD, I am 45 & they are still perky!! Just find one thing you like about yourself, you can build it from there. I guarantee you will find more, & you will surprise yourself.

 

Everyone will have advice, I know they care. The thing is it gets quite annoying when everyone wants to have a say on your life. It is much easier just to say thank you, I appreciate that you care, & move on. If people think you have listened, & appreciate they made an effort they generally move on.

 

Now this is about you, but people want to be seen to be doing the right thing. Feel free to say no thank you to offers from those who really are just doing it so they feel good. You don’t have the energy for them, just let them go.

 

Kids, my saving grace with my daughter was having three people I could call on whenever I needed, if it was just for a few hours or overnight. I trust them & like them, more importantly my daughter felt safe & loved with them. The other thing with kids, be honest about what is happening, don’t keep secrets.  They will feel more secure if they know what is happening.

 

Lastly, this is a very quick guide, there will be many things that pop up. Just do the best you can, don’t doubt yourself. Remember to smile, remember to laugh. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t loose yourself to it.

 

Now, go grab a beverage, sit back, enjoy the moment, & just allow yourself to let things go a little.

Unexpected pleasure.

She was lying on the bed, half asleep, relaxed

Wearing only her singlet & knickers

Her partner walked in & stopped taking the time to appreciate the sight

The white singlet was pulled hard across her nipples

Her breasts were perfect in every way

Her stomach lean, with just a little bump from dinner

Her knickers showed the start of her core, it was clear she shaved

Her lips were plump & pink, how she loved kissing those lips

Her hair was long with a slight curl, draped over her shoulder

She walked up to the bed, she kissed both nipples

She was met with a little surprised moan

She lifted up the singlet to expose those perfect breasts

She sucked one, & lightly pinched the nipple of the other

She was almost knocked off when her hips started bucking

She slid her hand down between her legs, she found her moist & ready

She slid one finger in, drew it out & sucked on the taste

She slid down pulled the panties down

Before she could say anything she thrust her tongue inside, back out & circled around

She licked up to her clit, sucked on it hard

Licking & sucking until she could feel she was close

She went back to her core, tasting the honey running down

She thrust her tongue in, her girlfriend grabbed her hair

She used her hair to push her tongue in & out

She pushed her tongue in as far as she could

Loving the sensation of her girlfriend taking control

From one thrust to the next, the honey came flowing out

Legs shaking, still thrusting her head she kept the honey of her pleasure flowing

When she was done, she grabbed her girlfriend & thrust her fingers in

It took only a few thrusts, the pleasure of tasting her girlfriend

Had left her ready to let her own honey flow

They lay down in each other’s arms

The love between them clear, they were both satisfied

They are comfortable knowing love & fucking go hand in hand

There will be times for making love, they knew they had a lifetime.

10 year old drama.

I always thought the school drama between girls would start at thirteen or later, once high school starts.

I was wrong! I have found myself very unprepared for my 10 year old daughter to tell me what is happening. How the girls calm each other mean, say I hate you one day & are friends the next.

Now she is not innocent, she has said a few things, & I am right on that, it’s not ok, I heard her saying some nasty things about one of the girls, so I made her write an apology letter.

She didn’t have to give the letter to the girl, I asked her to imagine how she would feel if that girl found out what she said & what would she say to apologise. She thought this was crazy until she wrote it.

All of a sudden an understanding of how her words could affect someone became clear to her. She was upset she had said it, & understood why I pulled her up on it.

I am not naive I am sure she will say things again, hopefully not until she is older. She is too young, this bitchiness at school should not happen in primary school, it’s far too young.

Being a victim of school bullying, I was the nerdy girl, I will not stand for it. As I hope I can teach her.

Reality.

My father & I had a very special relationship, he understood me in a way no one else did, he understood the way I think & the complex reality of living with bi polar.

When he passed in January I was lost, in some ways I still feel lost. This week very lost. Last Sunday was Father’s Day, today is his birthday he would have been 74.

I allow myself to grieve, but I also do not loose myself to it. My father was many things, he was incredibly smart & driven, he was tenacious. As much as I am incredibly emotional today, I refuse to let myself fall.

My father taught me well, he made sure I knew how to be strong, he also made sure I understood how to manage & balance my emotions & reality. When we are full of emotion it is easy to loose a grip on reality.

I know he was proud of me, I will continue to make him proud, make myself proud, most of all teach my daughter how to balance.

My pleasure is yours.

I looked at you, you had just walked out of the shower

You had water beading on your skin

You dropped your towel & looked at me

I grabbed you & pushed you up against the wall

Kissing you hard, I ran my tongue over yours

I felt your whole body tremble, your nipples hardened

I picked you up, you wrapped your legs around my waist

I love the feeling of you wrapped around me, naked & wanting

I carried you to the bathroom sink, & told you to stand

You normally hate being told what to do, this time you moaned

I asked for your leg, I threw your leg over my shoulder

Standing on the sink with your legs spread

You looked like a goddess, perfect lines & curves

I thrust my tongue inside you, I started licking & sucking

I licked you like an ice cream cone, in & out

When you came, I had to catch you

Your body relaxed & you had a look of bliss on your face

I love knowing it was me that made you feel so good.

Memories of music.

‘You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see.’ William sang as he glided gracefully over the floor, in his arms his wife smiled up at him, this was there song, not the wedding song, there private song. He often played it after dinner, & would sing it to her, & they would start to dance.

He loved the smell of her floral fragrance, as it lightly filled the air as they danced, the shampoo she used, he knew that smell. She would tuck her head under his chin, & sigh, her hair would tickle his nose as they moved. She never once refused to dance with him, always with a shy smile, almost like she could still not believe he loved her.

She was 16 when they met, she was the younger sister of a friend, she thought she was a plain Jane, she didn’t see herself as beautiful. When he first saw her, he noticed the natural red highlights in her hair that shone when she stood in the sun, the way her smile lit up her face, her eyes twinkling with happiness.

He noticed the way she often wrung her hands when she was nervous, but what he really noticed was the way she moved. When she danced, she let the music guide her, she looked graceful & beautiful, it appeared to him that she was gliding over the floor, her feet barley touching the floor.

William did another twirl around the floor, he remembered how beautiful she looked on their wedding day, unlike the other girls she had chosen an understated dress, it was perfect for dancing. She was 18, just, the week before she had turned 18, he had just turned 23. As the glided down the aisle she had radiated happiness, he had hoped he could keep her happy forever.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he had surprised her, he had organised for the priest who married them to another ceremony, not another wedding, it was just the two of them. A ceremony that was all about her, the scarifies she had made for him & their children. How she had always put everyone else first, even when her favourite band came on tour, he had been working late, the babysitter cancelled, so she didn’t go. When he asked why she didn’t call him, he would have come home, he knew how much music meant to her, she smiled, ‘No darling, you bring in the money, I do the home. There will be another time.’

He had made sure there was another time, when they went to dance at the end of the ceremony, he had arranged a live web link to the band, they played just for her. She was speechless, & knew she was appreciated.

He twirled around & other memories came to mind, a lifetime of memories, everyone one had a song to go with it, always there was music in their house, car, in their lives. ‘You are so beautiful’ The song was finishing, he started to slow down.

William, come on now, you know you should be in bed, come on, lets go.’ said the man standing next to him, who was this man?

‘William? It’s me Joe, you live here now. Are you dancing with your wife again? I love hearing the stories of your wife. Why don’t you tall me one whilst I walk you to your room.’

William was confused, he started walking slowly with Joe. He was about to ask where his wife was, a nagging memory told him not to, he somehow knew she had passed on. The memory of that was fuzzy, he hung on to the memories of music.

Give & take.

Centre yourself mind, body, spirit

Breathe deeply, slowly, no distractions

Feel the calm roll through yourself

Allow yourself to let go

Centre mind, body, spirit with the earth

Fill yourself up with energy

Let the earth provide renewed energy

Slowly come back to yourself

Let yourself feel the energy within

Give your thanks to earth

Give back what has been taken

With energy the earth needs

Care for your part of earth & give back

The earth will always provide energy.

Hardwired.

I am hardwired to self destruct

I am hardwired to self believe

I am hardwired to self sabotage

I am hardwired to self help

We are all hardwired to destroy ourselves

We are all hardwired to thrive as ourselves

We are all hardwired to be human, faults & all.

Refuge.

I am driving up the hill, tired & stressed after work

I reach a point in the road I know, I put down my window

The air comes in, the fresh mountain air, I breathe it in deeply

I can feel myself start to relax, the air is different here, you can’t help but relax

I drive up my driveway, admiring the forest as I do, looking at the huge gum trees

I almost pinch myself, I feel this way every time I come home

I am so lucky to live here, it’s so peaceful, quiet & breathtakingly beautiful

I walk inside, I am greeted by my daughter with a big smile

This is home, my place of safety, my refuge from the world

Our home is perfect for us all, I am happy, safe & loved

I am relaxed & no longer stressed, I know I am home.

Imperfectly perfect.

I feel something inside, something that is heavy

I try to say it out aloud but my words come out in a jumble

I need to be in your thoughts, when you are doing things

To remember that at times you need to think how it will affect me

To think what it I need, I try to always do this for you

We are a team, we both have our parts to do

Please remember that if you take your time

This could have effects you are not thinking of

I need you to please understand, there are times to look at my side

To not get angry & say hurtful things, to try to see why I am reacting

We are both complicated people, both strong & stubborn

I need to be more flexible, & more tolerant of doing things in your time

Please don’t ever think it is just you, we both have ownership

We both need to be able to stop & think, we are both human, imperfectly perfect.

Surprise!! it’s me life, here to test you!

You know how sometimes it just feels like life is testing you? As if thinking how much can she handle? *insert sinister laugh*

Today that is how I feel, I woke up to my daughter in a awful mood as she didn’t want to go to school, sorry I said you have to go. *Insert childs high pitched voice* I hate you, your the worst Mum!!! *insert heart breaking.*

I knew this would happen I just wasn’t expecting it at 10, I still felt heart broken, then happy. You may wonder why happy? We have been through so much, this was a normal reaction from a pre teen, somehow I got her through it, she is somehow not as scarred as I thought.

After getting grumpy to school, making sure I tell her on the way I do love her, I am proud of her, I get home & start work. One hour later my phone rings.

As I listen I am in shock, a relative of a family member passed away overnight, no reason she was 35. Healthy, happy & has a family. For some reason she didn’t wake up.

This was a shock you don’t expect, not from someone so healthy, no known medical issues. I feel for her shocked family, the pain & confusion they must be feeling.

These two things tested me, really made me have to manage my emotions. I did, I am proud of myself. I did not let anything pull me down.

Now we get ready for tomorrow, & to be there for loved ones.

Return to self.

It is so very easy to let others change you, to take criticism to heart

I was told I was too loud, dull it down I told myself

I was told I was too much, stop being so excitable I kept telling myself

I was told I was too emotional, just don’t feel I reminded myself

Then one day I didn’t know who I was anymore

I made a decision, to return myself to me, find her again within

I am loud at times, that’s ok, it can be quite funny

I am too much, I am a big kid, I love to get excited over the little things

I am emotional, I am driven by emotion, that’s ok, I love & care deeply

I am me, I returned to me, it took time, I had to believe

Those that are my family & friends are so relieved

They missed who I was, they were waiting & hoping for the big return of me.

What I miss.

I miss so much at night, I hear the creatures in the trees

I hear the wind & the rain, I hear the trees moving, leaves rustling

I can feel the energy of the night, calm & peaceful so many are asleep

I can feel the breeze, the coldness of the night

I can’t see the trees, I can’t see all the creatures

I miss so much at night, so much I can not see

Night blindness takes my vision when there is no sun

My other senses take over, my hearing picks up every little sound

My sense of smell breathes in the night, the air so cold & refreshing

My skin picks up the energy, the coldness

In the dark of night outside, I feel calm, I can let my senses take over.

Life complexity.

My life is complicated & very hard for people to get there head around at times. Today is a perfect example of how my life is, & how at times it gets all too much.

My girlfriend & I had an argument last night, this morning we woke up, wrapped our arms around each other & apologised, it was an argument that was unnecessary.

We had breakfast with our daughter, then started to get ready for the day. I was emotional to say the least. My girlfriend is an incredibly understanding woman.

Today I was taking our daughter to visit her Mama my wife. Now this is where people struggle to get there head around it, yes I am married, my wife however has a severe ABI & can not move or talk.

I will always stand by my wife, but my life has moved on as well. We go regularly to see her, I am very involved with her care & well being.

I was emotional over seeing her today, & our daughter struggles seeing her Mama like she is, as we all would.

Visit went quite quickly, & very happily, as happy as we can all be. Our daughter & I make sure we are smiling & happy, we are honest about things, but always happy at the start & end of a visit.

I dropped our daughter off for a sleepover on the way home, & then home for a night with my girlfriend which I need.

Life is complicated, everyone has different complications, it’s important to me, to take time with people, let them talk about their complications, & give them the information & lessons I have learnt in the last four years. It’s an unknown territory for many, to be mid thirties & suddenly your partner is very different.

Striking beauty.

I was tired, I lay down for a bit, reenergise my tired body

You came in after cutting the wood, wet & cold from the rain

You looked at me curled up in bed, my eyes were closed

I heard you open the shower door, you stood in the bathroom doorway

You started to remove your clothes, very slowly

Your jumper came off, soaking wet, your tee shirt clung to your body

You had no bra on, your breasts were clear for me to see

I loved looking at the perfect round shape, seeing the outline of your nipples

Your jeans looked as if they were sprayed on, clinging to every bit of your long legs

You slowly pushed them down, keeping your legs straight so your body looked like pure seduction

You took them off your feet & stood up straight, taking your hair out & letting it flow down your back

You turned & looked at me, completely naked, strikingly beautiful

Your whole body was a work of art, you ran your hand down your chest

You smiled a wicked smile & walked into the shower, making sure to swing your hips.

Worthy.

There are times we all feel we are far too unattractive to be wanted

Too ugly inside to be loved by another

Too much baggage for anyone to want to share a life with

This weighs us down, it shows in the way we look

The effort taken when going out suddenly seems so useless

It’s as if suddenly we can see ourselves so clearly

When we start to feel this way, take a minute to understand

Know that this is not how others see you

Take off those glasses that lie, we need to see the truth

We are all worth loving, we all deserve to be wanted

Remember that each of us struggle with this

Self worth is a constant struggle, turn to a loved one

Ask them why you are worth loving, listen & take it in

Then take the effort when going out, remember you are worth it.

Tolerance.

You know what I really dislike & struggle with on a daily basis? It’s the pressure from society to be a certain way, to look the way they want you too.

Now I am a woman of size, there is more of me to love. I have tried over the years many different ways to change this, the issue is my metabolism is so slow, no matter what I do, including exercising like crazy.

I have tried diets, shakes, cutting out many foods, nothing will work. My doctor finally just said, this is you, you can’t change it.

I was taken aback by this, but she explained it is my genetics, my dad & his dad were the same.

So I have had to try to accept this, now it would be a whole lot easier if I could walk into any store & buy clothes, or even eat something in public without being judged by others.

I have been called names, I have been made fun of, I am 45 & still people say things. I am not playing the victim, but there needs to be understanding that not everyone can be a size society deems acceptable.

It has become far too common for people to judge a stranger, to think they know exactly what that person is like.

This is what I dislike & struggle with. I am who I am, I am trying to learn to be ok with it.

If you see someone calling someone a name because they are bigger, please call it out. That person has a story, do you want to add a positive to that story, or let another negative be added.

I say let’s add more positives. Let’s try to be more understanding of each other, let’s try to not jump to conclusions.

Perfection.

I watch you struggle with yourself, always believing you are not enough

Thinking you are not beautiful, picking apart every negative you see

You criticise every part of you, your legs are always the most hated part of you

You call yourself plain, you tell yourself you are not intelligent

I know none of this is true, I know that you are far more then you see

I see the beauty in your face, a timeless, classical beauty with long blonde hair

I see your sparkling blue eyes, they are often filled with humour & love

I see your perfect legs, they are long, they are so smooth & shapley

Your mind is the most attractive part, quick witted, intelligent & full of questions

Your spirit shines from within, caring, loving & giving

The personality that you possess is quirky & brilliant, never failing to surprise me

To me there is too much to say, it’s easier to say you are perfection.

Let’s get real – menopause needs to be talked about.

As a teenager my mum told me what to expect from my period, I had education at school on what to expect, my friends all discussed how they were feeling.

We compared symptoms, we all started our first period within about 18 months of each other, we knew it was not going to a fun experience, we knew all sorts of symptoms we could experience.

Now I am at the other end of the journey, Perimenopause. Just like most women I was aware I would start menopause in about my mid fifties, some hot flushes, mood swings, the upside no more periods.

Wrong, oh so wrong, no one told me about Perimenopause. No doctor, no nurse or other medical professional, there were no colourful information sheets at the doctors to tell me I was going to start this mid forties for most women. I was 40 when things started to change.

My question is, why are we not told? To give you an idea, most women experience hair loss, mood swings, hot flushes, anxiety, bloating, weight gain, feelings of self hatred, lack of sex drive & vaginal dryness & the list goes on.

Everyone of course has varying degrees, some symptoms & not others. My mum for instance went through a few hot flushes.

As for me, I thought I was having a mental breakdown, anxiety, depression, real self hate issues, I could not look in the mirror. I would cry for hours on end, vertigo, bloating, water retention so severe I have never experienced anything like it. Some of my jeans would not fit over my ankles.

This is just a light description, I still suffer symptoms, insomnia, self hate comes & goes. The theory behind self hate is that our bodies can not carry a child anymore, in my case I am unable to anyway so it’s odd feeling.

After many doctors visits & research it was clear by my hormone levels this was what was happening. I then discovered I had it easy, seriously? I couldn’t work full time anymore, I could barely function with the brain fog & memory loss some days.

I did find great support through Facebook where there are Perimenopause support groups, other women that get the despair.

The medical support available such as HRT & other alternatives can be great, if you can have them, some women like myself unfortunately can not.

So, if you are reading this, educate yourself, start a conversation with friends, talk to your doctor.

Let’s get real about this, let’s start saying to our governments, this needs to be a conversation, there needs to be education & support around this.

Please don’t presume.

I can tell by your tone you think you know me, you have put me in a box

You see what you want to see, you have avoided look at the sadness in my eyes

You are choosing not to acknowledge the self conscious way I keep adjusting my clothes

You are only looking at what is right there in front of you

I know I am rude to cut you off, but you are talking down to me

You are presuming I am not intelligent, you are presuming I am unaware of how fickle life can be

I will be talking now, with kindness & respect, I see the sadness in your eyes

I do not need a lecture on how to help my daughter deal with grief

I do not need another stranger telling me what to do

I know she will grieve for the rest of her life, I am choosing to give her to tools now

You may think she is too young to understand

You do not understand that she may only be 10

Due to this trauma she has to to mature too quickly, she understands too much

I want her to have the best chance in life, I want her to thrive

I will give her every tool I can, to make sure she is the best version of her she can be.

Grief & all that jazz.

Grief is a constant process, I think I am in control then wham, someone or something brings it all to the forefront of my mind.

Often our grief sits at the back, we know it’s there, it’s a constant, but it’s manageable at the back of our minds, it’s not something we have to have right in front of us.

However this is dependent on your grief, for me I do have grief that is constantly right in front of me, the grief for my wife, I have written previously about her condition. She is still alive, but definitely not the same, the grief for the living is different, & I find much harder.

The grief I have for my father, it is there, I miss him terribly, but it’s not right in front of me all the time. There are always reminders, then I will read something or watch something & think dad would love that, then I remember.

It’s confronting at first, I have found I need to feel it, acknowledge the pain I still feel, I most likely will always feel. I was incredibly close to me father, I really am my Father’s Daughter.

I am so similar to my father, this has become much more obvious since he has been gone, when someone says to me you remind me of your father.

To me this is a huge compliment, my father was a very accomplished man, he was a great man, he left a mark where he had been & changed many lives.

This is how I deal with my grief, I remind people of him, that is an honour & something to aspire to, it gives me purpose, instead of dwelling on the pain.

Please, a little quiet.

Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.

Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.

I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.

Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.

A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.

I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.

So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.

Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.

I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.

She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.

As the sun rises.

Tomorrow as the sun rises & the frost thaws

As the birds start to call, slowly soaring up into the sky

As the marsupials curl up for the day, to wait for night again

As the last of the deer walk back to the forest, to hide once again

I will open my eyes & rise out of bed to greet the day

With a hopeful heart, that once again all is as it should be

To let the sun warm me, to watch the birds soaring

To allow the calmness of nature, calm my soul.

Now I see.

I can not see my way, the forest is dark, the trees so tall

I feel my way with my hands, my eyes are not much use tonight

I can feel a panic rising, I know this forest, it is my regular walking place

My breath starts to catch in my throat, I try not to panic

Suddenly a light, a beautiful shining light , illuminating everything

So soft & warm is the light, I look up, I see the tops of the trees

As the branches wave in the wind, I can see the moon shining it’s light

I look around, I know where I am, I am not lost at all

I look up at the moon, I am so grateful for its light

I give a silent thanks to its timely arrival, I give thanks the moon & it’s beauty
I start making my way towards the road, it takes just a few minutes

The moon keeps shining until I am at the road, across the road is my driveway

I start walking across the road, the moonlight slowly goes

Back behind clouds, it was bright long enough for me to be safe

Almost as if the moonlight was sent just for me.

Slowly but surely.

Have you heard a lyrebird, maybe you thought you heard a chainsaw n the middle of the night

Or maybe it sounded like a bulldozer, or the sound of another tree falling

They are endangered these amazing birds, they can mimic any sound they hear

The most incredible part of this, it could be a man made noise or a natural noise

These wonderful birds live in Sherwood Forest, just a stone’s throw from my pine wood cabin up in the hills

There numbers are decreasing as the forest shrinks, they need a lot of room to roam, they are very territorial

The cars they drive so fast, down the dirt roads, right through the habitat of these beautiful birds

Far too many don’t look out, they just keep on going, not even stopping or looking back

The people that come to walk the trails, they love to feed the birds, they don’t take notice of all the signs, ensuring they know the birds can not tolerate bread

This is just one small example of how our forests are changing, as they are depleted, the whole ecosystem changes

Never did I ever think I would hear a Lyrebird sound like a bull dozer, now they have heard the sound so often, it has become a natural Lyrebird call.

Sting my heart.

My scorpion woman is a irresistible force

With her long legs, perfectly shaped & touchable

Her waist that is made just for me, my arms fit perfectly

Her dearie is round & perky, always teasing my eyes

Her breasts are perfect in every way, filling my mouth

Her lips like a bow, just begging for a kiss

Her eyes are blue, they seem to be sapphires, twinkling at me

Her mind, is by far her sexiest part, quick as a whip, always ready to delve into debate

Her tastiest part is between her perfect legs, her honey is sweet

There is not a part of this Scorpio that has not stung my heart.

Scars on my soul.

The bird was laying on the ground, it was breathing, ready to give up

I scooped it up, it’s wing was broken, it’s leg was cut, the little bird put up no fight

I could imagine how it’s feeling, full of pain from the break, cuts & bruises

Full of despair, no hope left in its eyes, it’s spirit broken

I chock back tears, I can feel everything the sweet bird is feeling

I can feel the pain, trauma & despair

It is no bird, it’s my spirit I hold, broken from all I have been through

Not today I say, I want to give in, the desire to just let go is so strong

Not today, I pull myself back from the edge, I force myself to take some deep breaths

Not today I repeat, I force myself to feel something else

I can feel the despair ease, I can see a glimmer of hope

I grab on, I force myself towards the light, I stand up

I can do this, I tell myself, you can get through this

I slowly let the hope fill me up, I open my eyes, I am still here

My spirit is slowly healing, there will be a scar, a scar to say I can

To remind me I am still standing.

Mesmerising.

I look at the colour, bright & beautiful, changing all the time

I feel the heat warming me, as if the colour is running through me

I watch the dance of the colours as the breeze changes

I could sit here for hours, getting lost in all I see

This fire brings back memories which dance in the flames

I can feel the emotions from each that I watch

This is my own personal memory movie tonight

To mesmerise me, to remind me of how lucky I am.

Black Beauty Of A Day.

Some days it just seems like everything is not right, off kilter. I know in my mind this is part mental health, part PTSD, part lack of sleep. It’s a battle to get your mind to accept this.

To me, this does not make sense, so our mind is giving us the reason why we feel the way we do, yet the same mind is also making us feel so awful.

For those that don’t suffer from mental health, it feels like this: imagine arguing with one of those people that will not change what they are saying, or who they are saying it. They know they are right, you will not convince them otherwise. Eventually you end up yelling or walking away. What if you can’t?

What if you are stuck arguing with this person, you can’t leave, you can’t stop them, all you can do is try to ignore the constant noise, & argue or reason with them.

Sounds fun doesn’t it? I really struggle with the argument, as I am sure I can win, I do a lot. I come up with an argument that can’t loose.

Then at other times, I loose, I loose so badly the world seems to swallow me. Today is a day that I am not losing, we are about even. I am well aware I am mentally & physically exhausted, my arguments are lacking, I can see the hole starting to open.

Then my day suddenly changed, in the best way! My partner arrived home from work, she presented me with a stunning pair of black diamond earrings. I have always wanted a pair, I love them, they are perfect!

So I have the trump argument for today. The other one arguing with me suddenly goes silent. I am worth it, I am loved, I mean something to someone. Most of all, someone who I adore, adores me.

The itch.

I got back from the school run, you kissed me hard, then you walked away, but I knew, I could feel your desire.

I did my usual morning routine, with you hovering & watching, I unzipped my top a little, your breath hitched.

I went into my office, after an hour you came in with coffee, the look on your face made things clear, you had no intention of leaving.

You hugged me, I kissed you, there was no holding back, you wanted no foreplay. You sat on my desk, yanked off your pants & spread your legs.

I knew what you wanted, I didn’t hesitate, I licked you hard, you almost came undone.

I teased you, you grabbed my hair, you held me head in place & moved yourself against my tongue, pushing hard from your perfect clit to your core.

I came undone before you, your taste, your feel, the control you had was all too much. I watched you watching my tongue go in & out of you, I love you watching.

Suddenly you bent your back & completely lost your hold, I felt you running down my throat, I love the taste of you.

I lifted you off the desk onto the chair, your legs were shaking with pleasure. You looked at me, yes we had just fucked your look said, but I love you.

Acceptance.

As she slowly walked down the stairs
Her heart would not calm down
Her hands had started to sweat
She had never wanted this
She had never asked for this
She looked down, her loved ones at the bottom
They all looked up at her, time stood still
How could she tell them, she knew they would be disappointed
She cleared her throat, a tear ran down her cheek
I am so sorry she is about to say, sorry I am not enough
All of a sudden her parents step forward
Stop they say, do not do this, stop trying to make us happy
Please, it’s time to be you, let yourself shine
You are perfect just the way you are, never a disappointment to us
She felt like she may fall, suddenly things changed
She sat up, her dream had felt real, she knew her parents loved her
They had struggled with acceptance as most do
In the end they loved her just the way she was.

Windows to the soul.

I look into your eyes I see all that you are

I see the kindness, love & care you give to the elderly, it’s not just a job the care you give


I see the knowledge of what is coming, your intuition calling you

I see the hesitation to trust another, to trust you will not be left broken again

I see the desire to be loved for who you are, not who they could change you to be

I see your pain, the years of being left to fend for yourself, you were just a child

I see the strength of you, the absolute pillar you are to stand on your own two feet

I see how you fight the need inside to relay on another

I see your love, your love for me, the pure force of love that you did not expect

I see your trust, your trust that I will not leave you broken, I will love you for who you are

I see you finally reaching peace & understanding that you are no longer alone

I see you close your eyes & sigh in contentment, you have found where you belong.

Phoenix.

It’s odd isn’t it, we are told not to be too full of ourselves, meaning don’t show too much confidence, then we are told to be confident. People don’t stop & ask you what you are proud of, they ask so many other questions. It’s hard to be proud of ourselves.

I struggle to say anything positive about myself, but one thing I am so proud of, it’s part of me, partly DNA, part personality trait, part self belief no matter how I struggle.

Inner strength. I have faced my share of battles, I have been through things that should not happen to anyone, & I have been through absolute tragedy & heartbreak.

I have found each time I am at that point of feeling like it’s all too much, I get this extra strength, it pushes me forward, it gives me the belief I can do it.

I call it my Phoenix, it’s the fire that lives inside, when I need it, it just comes. I am proud of this, grateful for this, I hope I am showing my daughter how to cope & live a good life, whilst managing when things get really hard.

Veil – short story.

That night was a night like no other, I could feel the veil between the worlds getting weaker. The souls on the other side were calling to their loved ones, there were some with only revenge on their mind, they could not rest.

I have always been taught how you are in life is how you will be after. Revenge is not something I ever let enter my mind.
I had tried to tell the locals, best to stay in doors, I couldn’t really tell them why, they thought I was crazy anyway, only when they wanted to talk to their loved ones that had passed is the only time they came to me.

So, here they were, out at the bar, the ladies on their nightly stroll in their best dresses. As I watched I saw Marigold walk out of the saloon, no one knows who she really is, she blew into town five years ago, seems intent on staying. I say she is hiding, she has evil in her.

I suddenly felt the ground shift, there is was the veil was now only a thread. The souls started swarming, they let me be, they knew I would send them back.

Most of them were harmless, they would check on their kin & go back. They just needed to see. I let them go, it takes far too much energy to stop so many, they can look.

Then I felt it, a black energy, it wasn’t just after revenge, it was here to claim a soul, a bargain made, but payment never received. I knew there was a payment that had to be paid, you can’t run from a pact like that.

Marigold suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, I could see her fear, almost taste it in the air. It suddenly all made sense, she had been hiding, but she had told the truth.

Her husband had died quite suddenly six years ago, he was very sick, the doctor had told her he would die, but it would be very slow & painful, he was rotting from the inside out, she had said his legs were purple & the muscle seemed to have turned to liquid.

I understood, she had made a deal so he did not die in agony. Death came for all, not all suffer.
It was at this moment I could see exactly what had happened, Marigolds husband had been touched by evil, it knew she would make a deal to end his suffering, a deal made with evil can not be undone, unless evil was the source of the reason for the deal.

I had no choice, I stood up, I let my power flare, not the subdued power the town usually sees, my full power, I let my necromancy shine. I knew I looked like a walking shimmering green flame, I didn’t care.

The evil turned around, but I had the upper hand, it had underestimated how powerful I was, I was 300 years old, I had built power.

For the first time in a long time I let it loose, it wound around the evil, rendering it useless. I asked if a deal had been made that it had been the reason for the sickness, oh it tried to fight, tried to lie, I just let my power inflict the worst it could.

Finally the evil relented, the blackness poured out of the human body it had taken. The man left was left lying on the road, there would be no life left.
Marigold was ready to tear the blackness apart, she had sacrificed everything.

In one last strike I took it down, I absorbed the little goodness in it, the rest was bound forever as a useless shell of itself.
I pulled my power back, it had a mind of its own in that moment, but I took control.

Marigold looked up at me, she was a broken woman, she hated herself, but she could not have known.
I walked over, I gave her the one thing the evil had kept, I gave her her husband’s wedding ring.
Things have been so different since that night, the locals have welcomed me into their homes, they have changed the way they think, they are also scared of me.
I don’t mind, if they are scared, they will listen.

Short story- Desire.

It was one of those hot summer nights, perfect for staying up all night.

I didn’t want to stay inside all night, I wanted to feel alive, I wanted excitement, I wanted pleasure.

I grabbed my girlfriends hand told her let’s go, we both grinned like teenagers again.

The love I feel for this woman is too wild & true to put into words, she loves me so passionately.

I put my hands on either side of her face, looked into those amazing blue eyes & kissed her deep, let her feel my love & desire.

I pulled away leaving both of us breathless, we ran giddy out the door.

I drove up into the hills, I suddenly knew exactly where to go, to show her beauty like her own, to let her see how beautiful I see her.

The drive was windy, we had the music loud, the windows down, her hand on my leg, our hair was blowing out the windows, it was perfect.

I pulled into the forest & drove down the old road, at the end was a view of the city, with the lights reflected on the bay, with the tall buildings, all the colourful lights on display, it looked like a mirage on the bay.

I parked the car, I went to get a blanket out of the boot, I knew she love to sit & just take it all in, she was having none of that.

She pulled me to the front of the car, she kissed me like she couldn’t get enough, her tongue was silk against my own, her breasts pushed up against my own.

She made sure I knew she wanted me right then, she stood back, taking her top of, slowly undoing her jeans, shimmering them down, putting on a display for me.

Standing in her lingerie, I admired her perfect body, every little bump she hated I loved, I loved the parts of her she hated most, her legs, those long lean legs, she hated them, I only see perfection.

I stood up, she yanked my top off, my bra went with it, before I could kiss her, her lips & hands were all over me, making me feel breathless, she is Aphrodite this woman, she knows exactly what I like, she knows how to touch me.

When she was through I struggled to move, she took off her panties, told me to lie back, she had a look on her face that was clear, pure ecstasy was coming her way.

I knew what she wanted, I laid on my back, she quickly gave me access to her core, the taste her nectar she knows I love, happily giving her the pleasure she wanted, licking & sucking the orgasms out of her, not letting her catch her breath.

When we both regained our breath, the sun was slowly rising over the bay.

It was still warm, it was perfect, I felt alive with joy & happiness. We both looked at each other, no words were needed, we could see the love on each other’s faces.

Take what you need not want.

An awful storm hit us, I say it’s awful but really it was just very windy, rainy & cold. Trees came down across the roads, huge gum trees, we were lucky. Our house is fine, we are ok. Other houses were not so lucky.

That’s the thing with living in a forest area, you know in winter with the storms trees will come down, in summer you have to watch for fires.

When you buy a house in this kind of area, you know that’s part of the deal.

This is what makes me really quite cranky, is when residents start to say the trees need to go. I get it if the tree is on their land, & is right next to their house.

However with the trees on nature strips, at the edge of the forest, no, these do not need to go. The trees were here before the houses, the trees are part of the reason we live in a National park zone.

If you didn’t want to live around trees, why buy in this area? This I simply do not understand. I know it’s cheaper here to buy then the city, the blocks & houses are bigger, the schools are less crowded.

I love that my daughter is growing up here, she can ride her bike on the dirt road, she really appreciates nature, loves that she has a forest at her back door. She loves all the native animals she sees, loves learning about the whole ecosystem.

She gets to see the ecosystem working, she can see all the different ways it works, how the environment recycles everything.

She has learnt we should only take what we need, as this is what she sees the environment doing, she sees how even what is discarded by one animal will be used by another.

This to me is education I could not give her, this is nature giving an education. This is how it should be, learning from the land.

I think we can all learn more from watching different ecosystems at work, how nothing is wasted, everything is recycled & they only take what they need.

Drowning in memories.

People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed

The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time

The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown

The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down

There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you

No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars

They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade

Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are

The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry

I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing

Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip

To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders

To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again

To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.

It all makes sense.

I often have that feeling of being watched when I sit outside, it’s there during the day, but at night it can be quite intense. I have never been able to figure out why, I still don’t know, but I have been researching & leant some interesting facts.

I am a lover of history, all sorts, I wondered what was here before this house. I am aware the traditional land owners are the Wurundjeri & Bunorong tribes. This is something I highly respect.

So I went researching, I found out some very interesting facts. I live on the outskirts of eastern Melbourne, semi rural area, right next to a small National park.

This park has only recently been changed from a state reserve to a national reserve, there are endangered species that live there, I thought nothing of it.

The park used to be a goldfield, the biggest situated so close to Melbourne, I have no idea how I did not know this. It was a highly profitable gold field, also due to the extreme cold in winter & heat in summer there were a high amount of deaths.

There was a huge fire that took the church & chapel, they were not rebuilt on the same location. I was quite intrigued by this, I have never known this to be a gold area. There are tulip & flower farms, tourist areas to see the forest, feed the cockatoos.

Turns out this was deliberate, to stop the gold traffic. Once no more was found, a wealthy farmer purchased a huge amount of land, he started to grow flowers, the land was perfect for flowers.

It started a new farming industry, they did so well a lot of the farms around have been here for over a hundred & fifty years, which for Australia is very old!!!

Power of the unseen dance.

I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to

You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving

I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth

I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move

I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about

You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like

As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.

The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave

I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me

You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me

You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck

You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to

You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off

I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all

As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.

I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again

If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another

I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you

It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours

It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see

The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength

It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.

Birthday today – hide away.

I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.

My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.

It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.

From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.

As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.

The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.

Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.

So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.

My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.

Maybe next year can be a good one?

Curse of the Birthday.

I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.

Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.

This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.

This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.

So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.

I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.

Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.

My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.

Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.

So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.

Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?

Scars on my skin.

The pain of past memories can not be contained

The scars are there for all to see, clearly on my skin

They used me, broke me, & threw me away

They can not take my determination to live life to the full

The journey starts with acknowledging what’s been done

If you hide the memories will find you when you are lying in the dark all alone

I started to heal with writing out what’s inside, if I can write it I can say it

This gave me my some power back to say, I am here, I am going to be strong

I questioned so many things on my journey, this is not easy, yes I have my power & life back

This journey will never end, but I choose to rise above, those three evil beings, will not take my future.

Undervalued.

When you are walking down the street, browsing at the shops

Someone catches your eye, their beauty you have to admire

You know that you are only admiring, you know they would not look your way

Then they smile, you can see the inside is just as beautiful, you keep walking, just a memory in your mind

Until you see them again, you chat, they flirt a little, you think they are a natural flirt, it’s not because of me

What if they are? What if they see your beauty?

I am far from a catch, I am curvier then most, in both directions

I have so much baggage in so many different forms

I am not beautiful or pretty, just average, when this beautiful woman both inside & out so caring & attentive to the ones she looked after

Started flirting with me, I knew this was not because of me

It was to my surprise I was very wrong, I had done what we all do

I had undervalued myself, in my head made myself believe I was really nothing special

Now I know, I do have qualities I should be proud, do not undervalue yourself

Learn to love what others see in you, do not be ashamed of having self love.

Stronger then blood.

My blood contains my DNA, my biology

It flows through me, it replenishes itself

It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential

Your blood my dear does the same

You have litres of this inside you

Your blood & my blood are different

You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology

I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you

I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away

My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent

It is how I love you, guide you, respect you

Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can

Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself

You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother

The bond we have is stronger then blood.

Torture of insomnia.

As I lie here in the dim light

My eyes are hurting, they are so dry

My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm

My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy

My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking

My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair

My mind is the only part of me really on full speed

The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do

I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness

My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained

I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush

I kick the sheet off, the moment I do

There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long

It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds

I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm

This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months

I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.

Hidden bliss.

I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed

The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house

I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose

I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh

The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see

There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up

The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around

The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around

Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.

Love is imperfect.

Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.

Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.

The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.

So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.

Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.

Banish the sadness.

Those days when emotionally you are on the verge

You know everything is ok, but the tears still want to flow

It’s an awful feeling to have within, to hide the sadness

There is no understanding why the sadness is there

It just appears, takes over, leaving you hollow

These days I wish would never come, I want to ban them from within

If only life was that simple, if only our hormones would stay quiet

As a woman once you reach a certain age

These days become familiar, no matter your predisposition

You will learn to fight, to wrestle your happiness back

Trust those who love you, they will fill you up.

Calm the mind.

I sit down & close my eyes

I focus on the soft sound of the wind

I feel the breeze on my face

I can hear cows in the distance

I can hear no cars or machinery

No ringing phones or tv noise

I can hear the quiet of the mountain top

I can feel the dampness of the grass

I can smell that sweet grass smell

I open my eyes, the view

It stops my breath for a minute

The rolling hills they just seem to go on

They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass

The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill

I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind

I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any

Finally I lie on my back

I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air

I feel at peace, calm, refreshed

I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.

Family curse or blessing?

My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.

Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.

The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.

There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.

This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.

This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.

This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.

At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.

I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.

Reminders of them.

There are moments we can not explain

There are things that happen with no reason

We look for the logic that has to be there

For the rationale to explain it

We even use our imagination to convince ourselves it never happened

Do you remember the last time a photo fell, no reason for this, it was secure in a frame, it could not fall of the wall

The photo was held down to ensure it could not blow away, the last time a family heirloom just appeared, you forgot you had it

There are not happenings you can ignore
These instances can not be explained by logic

There is a energy that exists, along side us as we walk through life

You will sense it every now & then, a familiar smell in the air, a distinctive feeling you had around a loved one

The ones we love who have passed on, they do not leave us here alone

They are here, sometimes they want to remind you of who you are,

Where you have come from, & that they are with you

Next time a photo falls with no reason, or you can smell a familiar scent or get that feeling

Don’t ignore it, open yourself to them, tell them you are ok, tell them you do feel them, you have not forgotten.

The forgotten souls.

He sits on the cold blue stone, an old cardboard box is his only comfort

His hair has been shaved, just a slight covering of short hair to protect his head

If you look close enough, you can see the blue tinge of cold skin

His shoes have holes, he had no socks on, his pants were dirty, the grime of the street had changed the colour from green to brown

His jacket is an old checkered shirt, tears are clear to see

You know when the wind blows he would feel it go through him

His jacket is torn, he tries to pull the jacket together, as he does another rip appears

A woman walks by, quickly her feet go, the sound of her heels getting quicker as she ignores what is right in front of her

She is determined to look straight ahead, pulling her daughter as quick as she can, the look of disgust on her face is clear, no effort is given to hiding this 

The girl looks at him confused, with concern in her eyes, has not been taught to fear him, or presume who & what he must be, he has no doubt the mother will instil this in her to ensure she is not lead astray 

This ignorance he is used to, the presumption of who and what he must be, the way they think he lives his life, the reason he must be homeless & unwashed 

He used to try to engage them in conversation, he doesn’t anymore, he just shakes his head as they walk on by

This was a behaviour he was used to, people found it easier to ignore him then face the failure of a neglectful society 

Too many like him, he thinks to himself have been forgotten, they live at a address unknown, they do not have a place to call home

They do not know where the next meal is coming from, or if they will eat at all

The hardest part he has to witness, is the younger generation appearing on the streets

If men & women like him don’t look out for them, they are prey for those with no morals

He thinks to himself, it would not take much to change a few things, change societies perception of those like him

To understand it is the minority that have addictions, most like him have been left with nothing, due to the failure of society, & a population that does seem to care about the likes of him.

Parents Day.

Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.

For those who have bad times

For those that second guess themselves

For those who doubt themselves

For those who do it alone

For those who have ones with angel wings

For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done

For those that are a chosen parent

For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own

For the grandparents raising another generation

For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances

This is for you, to remind you

You are doing great, you have no manual to follow

You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you

You give unconditional love, you give them such care

For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.

These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did

Happy Parents Day!!!!

Passion to love.

The passion of a new love is all consuming

It’s amazing how long this can last, the fire in your blood when you hear their voice

The way your stomach fills with butterflies when you see their car pull up

You constantly smooth your hair & clothes trying to be discreet

As time moves on you get into a routine, both of your lives changing to accommodate the relationship

Then you notice the passion of new love has gone, but if you are lucky like me

It is replaced with passion you know is real, long lasting passion

You may notice like me that the butterflies come round, not all the time, but quite often they appear

I still put the effort into making sure I look good, I want her to know I do that for her, to make sure she knows she is special

I try to make sure everything is as it should be, sometimes I get this not quite right

When you show her what she means, how much you appreciate & love her body, don’t hold back, make sure she knows you are wanting to please her

When you are done she should be so sated, her legs are jelly & she drifts into a slumber

The effort is there to make it clear, the passion is love, this love is real, I love you for all that you are, never change who you are, you are amazing the way you are.

Pain into beauty.

You hit me with your pain, I turn it into beauty

Do not think I am breakable, I am stronger then you know

When you push me to my limits, as you do every single person

I will not let you bring me down, I will not let you take my inner shine away

I know we are in your hands, as fate, you have many surprises in store

When you think I am about to break, my dear fate

With all the pressure I feel inside, I will turn my pain into diamonds, I will let them shine within.

Never a secret IVF baby.

The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy


I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them


I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together

I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you


The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first

Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him

I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you

As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you

I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret

Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.

Pain interrupted.

Everyday I think of things to tell you


Everyday I know there is no text coming


Everyday I have moments where I feel empty


Everyday I remind myself I am your daughter


Everyday I tell myself how strong you were


Everyday I have a memory of laughter

I know you are saying


I will always be right here


I know may not see me, but I know you feel my presence


I am proud of you remember that


I know you have my strength


I always knew you had intelligence

I can see you are happy


I know this was a battle


It’s ok to grieve, we are all allowed to feel

When it’s time, let them watch you stand back up

Let them watch you flourish again.