Just another Bella – a song.

I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains

Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane

At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane

Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us

I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle

I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,

You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me

You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane

I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun

Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion

Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen

We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

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End result – questionable.

I wrote recently that I was learning to write rap, the short film has been completed, I was then challenged to write a rap based on the top 20 in the radio charts. I can’t remember the last time I listened to the radio! So here is my rap, first one I wrote for the movie, the second a radio rap!

The old soul thief, was gearing to slither

Nearing her prey, she gave her rattle a quiver

Innocent prey turned about, blind she was the giver

With a whisp of words, Rita ghosted to dust, heading for the liver

Sweet young soul, turned to a sinner

Quickly becoming the killer

Daddy is dead, she struts into the night, to be a man killer

Rita at the helm, she controlled her new thriller

Ready to raise a new ladykiller

She slithered her way around many towns she had to fulfil her

No thoughts of innocence left, she slithered back to be a fool killer

The vessel she had was a show killer

Heads turned, men whistled at her sinner

In the woods they found the fools

Within a beat of a heart, she stole his heart, leaving him to drool

He pined for his love, she finally came, to take him to sinner grad school

She took him all, betrayed his love, leaving him with no inner tools

Wade was left with nothing, just a empty whirlpool

Rita thought she had fooled them all, but Abigail was no dam fool

She woke up inside, just as Rita was going to end the duel

Yelled up to the heavens, Rita was left to slither away, just another fool.

Radio rap:

It’s the weekend, time to get the freak on, geeks!! Yeah!

Do ya all have ya wine in the sinks, Ready to down that liquid, ready to clink, Tonight is the night to, OVERDRINK!! I know You all ready, to get out your kink

Oh fellas, better watch your Humperdinck, dink, dink. Get out those drinks, let’s clink, Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Oh ladies, are you ready for us to interlink

You know we will slink to you, we gonna sync

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Take off all those coats & minks, I wanna see those arses go low & dink, So come on, I know you a good girl fairy, but please, can we see Tink? Come on give us a wink!!

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Oh ladies, are you ready for us to interlink You know we will slink to you, we gonna sync

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

So come on, I know you a good girl fairy, but please, can we see Tink? Come on give us a wink!!

Distractions to stop thinking – a short story.

‘Tamara? Tamara? Where are you? Why are there eight ducks in the chook pen?’
‘Penny, hi! I had the best time today, you know work team building day, we went duck herding! I am going to take it up as a hobby. Isn’t that great?’
Tamara looked excited at penny. So I brought some ducks, as we have no chocks anymore, & guess what?’
‘Why can I hear a dog?’ Penny looked very unimpressed.
‘Suprise! That’s Sunny, she is a 6 month old Shelti, I am going to train her!’ Tamara was jumping up & down with excitement.
‘So you are going to train a dog, to herd ducks? Are you pulling a practical joke? Who herds ducks?’ Penny was laughing at the idea.
‘You know it is quite popular as a weekend hobby, & you keep telling me I need to get out more.’ Tamara was clearly upset Penny thought it was a joke.
‘Herding ducks???’ Penny could not stop laughing.
‘Fine, laugh away, I am going to feed the ducks.’ Tamara stormed out.
Seriously she thought, laughing at her. She didn’t do things like this often. Ok so two years ago she had started tree shaping, but that didn’t last long.
Then one year ago she had started collecting the elements, but that was boring she really wasn’t into science.
Six months ago she had considered bettle wrestling, but thought it was cruel.
Now duck herding! Oh what is that smell? Seriously! Oh no, it’s the ducks, the ducks stink!!!
‘Sunny, sunny stop!’ Tamara was suddenly running after Sunni who it seemed was determined to get to the ducks, Tamara grabbed Sunni & slipped, in duck poo.
Of course she thought. Oh that smell!! It was now in her hair!!!
Tamara grabbed her mobile.
‘Hi, Jo it’s Tamara we met today? Yeah that’s me, look I don’t think this is going to work out. Can I sell you the ducks back? Or give them back? Great! Sunni? No, I am going to keep her, a companion for me. I think I need to start just sticking to something, & just learn to be me. Can I come over now?’
‘Penny?’
‘In here’
‘I have decided to start something new.’
‘Oh what this time?’
‘Me, I am just going to be me, have Sunni as a companion. Stop trying to find things so I distract myself. I have to start to be ok with me, & all that I am.’
‘I know with being diagnosed with MS it’s been hard, but you are still you, I am really proud of you sis.’
‘Thank you. I am taking the ducks back now.’
Penny walked back to the ducks, she knew she had a long way to go, but she knew the start & acceptance would be the hardest.
Penny walked past the tree she had shaped like a heart, she laughed, it looked like the tree had not completely died, but the shape, more of a circle, with arms, lots of arms.

Please, a little quiet.

Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.

Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.

I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.

Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.

A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.

I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.

So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.

Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.

I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.

She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.

Drowning in memories.

People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed

The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time

The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown

The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down

There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you

No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars

They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade

Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are

The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry

I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing

Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip

To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders

To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again

To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.

It all makes sense.

I often have that feeling of being watched when I sit outside, it’s there during the day, but at night it can be quite intense. I have never been able to figure out why, I still don’t know, but I have been researching & leant some interesting facts.

I am a lover of history, all sorts, I wondered what was here before this house. I am aware the traditional land owners are the Wurundjeri & Bunorong tribes. This is something I highly respect.

So I went researching, I found out some very interesting facts. I live on the outskirts of eastern Melbourne, semi rural area, right next to a small National park.

This park has only recently been changed from a state reserve to a national reserve, there are endangered species that live there, I thought nothing of it.

The park used to be a goldfield, the biggest situated so close to Melbourne, I have no idea how I did not know this. It was a highly profitable gold field, also due to the extreme cold in winter & heat in summer there were a high amount of deaths.

There was a huge fire that took the church & chapel, they were not rebuilt on the same location. I was quite intrigued by this, I have never known this to be a gold area. There are tulip & flower farms, tourist areas to see the forest, feed the cockatoos.

Turns out this was deliberate, to stop the gold traffic. Once no more was found, a wealthy farmer purchased a huge amount of land, he started to grow flowers, the land was perfect for flowers.

It started a new farming industry, they did so well a lot of the farms around have been here for over a hundred & fifty years, which for Australia is very old!!!

Power of the unseen dance.

I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to

You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving

I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth

I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move

I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about

You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like

As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.

The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave

I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me

You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me

You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck

You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to

You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off

I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all

As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.

I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again

If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another

I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you

It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours

It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see

The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength

It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.

Birthday today – hide away.

I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.

My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.

It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.

From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.

As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.

The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.

Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.

So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.

My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.

Maybe next year can be a good one?

Curse of the Birthday.

I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.

Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.

This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.

This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.

So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.

I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.

Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.

My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.

Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.

So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.

Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?

Scars on my skin.

The pain of past memories can not be contained

The scars are there for all to see, clearly on my skin

They used me, broke me, & threw me away

They can not take my determination to live life to the full

The journey starts with acknowledging what’s been done

If you hide the memories will find you when you are lying in the dark all alone

I started to heal with writing out what’s inside, if I can write it I can say it

This gave me my some power back to say, I am here, I am going to be strong

I questioned so many things on my journey, this is not easy, yes I have my power & life back

This journey will never end, but I choose to rise above, those three evil beings, will not take my future.

Stronger then blood.

My blood contains my DNA, my biology

It flows through me, it replenishes itself

It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential

Your blood my dear does the same

You have litres of this inside you

Your blood & my blood are different

You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology

I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you

I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away

My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent

It is how I love you, guide you, respect you

Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can

Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself

You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother

The bond we have is stronger then blood.

Torture of insomnia.

As I lie here in the dim light

My eyes are hurting, they are so dry

My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm

My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy

My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking

My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair

My mind is the only part of me really on full speed

The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do

I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness

My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained

I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush

I kick the sheet off, the moment I do

There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long

It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds

I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm

This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months

I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.

Hidden bliss.

I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed

The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house

I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose

I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh

The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see

There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up

The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around

The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around

Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.

Love is imperfect.

Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.

Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.

The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.

So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.

Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.

Calm the mind.

I sit down & close my eyes

I focus on the soft sound of the wind

I feel the breeze on my face

I can hear cows in the distance

I can hear no cars or machinery

No ringing phones or tv noise

I can hear the quiet of the mountain top

I can feel the dampness of the grass

I can smell that sweet grass smell

I open my eyes, the view

It stops my breath for a minute

The rolling hills they just seem to go on

They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass

The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill

I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind

I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any

Finally I lie on my back

I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air

I feel at peace, calm, refreshed

I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.

Family curse or blessing?

My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.

Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.

The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.

There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.

This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.

This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.

This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.

At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.

I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.

Parents Day.

Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.

For those who have bad times

For those that second guess themselves

For those who doubt themselves

For those who do it alone

For those who have ones with angel wings

For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done

For those that are a chosen parent

For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own

For the grandparents raising another generation

For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances

This is for you, to remind you

You are doing great, you have no manual to follow

You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you

You give unconditional love, you give them such care

For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.

These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did

Happy Parents Day!!!!

Passion to love.

The passion of a new love is all consuming

It’s amazing how long this can last, the fire in your blood when you hear their voice

The way your stomach fills with butterflies when you see their car pull up

You constantly smooth your hair & clothes trying to be discreet

As time moves on you get into a routine, both of your lives changing to accommodate the relationship

Then you notice the passion of new love has gone, but if you are lucky like me

It is replaced with passion you know is real, long lasting passion

You may notice like me that the butterflies come round, not all the time, but quite often they appear

I still put the effort into making sure I look good, I want her to know I do that for her, to make sure she knows she is special

I try to make sure everything is as it should be, sometimes I get this not quite right

When you show her what she means, how much you appreciate & love her body, don’t hold back, make sure she knows you are wanting to please her

When you are done she should be so sated, her legs are jelly & she drifts into a slumber

The effort is there to make it clear, the passion is love, this love is real, I love you for all that you are, never change who you are, you are amazing the way you are.

Never a secret IVF baby.

The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy

I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them

I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together

I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you

The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first

Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him

I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you

As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you

I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret

Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.

Magic of elements.

I tell you something, something secret, no one is really meant to know

Gnomes are magical, we can do all sorts of magic, we each have a skill with magic

We can change the elements, fire, wind, water & air quite lucky we are

I have a daughter called gnomez, now she is one of the blessed ones

She has the magic for all four, I have seen her do some incredible things

There was once a human boy, just a wee thing, he was climbing the tree

He was having such fun, all of a sudden his foot slipped & he was left hanging with one hand

He tried to hold on, but he was not strong enough, all too quickly he started to fall

Well Gnomez raced up, we can run fast did you know

She closed her eyes, & with all her concentration & will inside

She thrust the air his way, then she called the wind under him

He started to fall slower, by the time he was almost to the ground

She flipped him up, & he landed on his feet

So, now you know, if you could keep this secret to yourself, that would be grand.

Bridging love and lust

You kiss me hard

as you unbutton my shirt

expertly slip off my bra

and pull up my skirt

I lead you to our bed

Sit you down on the edge

and start to explore

I take my time whilst I can

We both know you will be deliciously ready soon

My lips press into every inch of you

As you start moving your hips in desire

As vulnerable as you are lying there

exposed, legs apart

Not anything I see other then love & lust in your eyes

I pull you up, move your back up against our headboard

I slowly start to make my way down to your ready core

I know you want to watch, to see how much I enjoy tasting you

You love to watch me licking you

I lick extra slow, the feeling I get knowing you are watching

Starts me squirming, I know this won’t be for long

As soon as you start riding me, I can’t help but let me body release

The moment I do, I feel you shudder in pleasure

I taste all of you, I swirl my tongue around inside you

as you grab my hand

Squeezing mine as you reach your climax

I know this is just the first, the warm up release

I plan to ensure you are licked dry by the time I am through

As you roll your head back in pleasure

I start changing my rhythm again

As I start your body reacts

I know your body is getting ready again

After we are both sated, we lie bodies entangled, our love a bridge glowing between us.

You are safe with me.

The way the light skimmed over your curves, the light of the sun caressing each curve

The way it lit up your skin, every part of your soft skin exposed seemed to be shimmering

It was memorising to see, your perfect body reflected at me, I feel so fortunate to be the one you have chosen

Your skin was showing me exactly how soft & touchable it is

Breathing even & deep, your hands are softly lying on the sheet, fingers slightly bent

Your long legs are almost stretched out, just a slight bend at the knee, your favourite way to lie

Your hips are lying towards the sheet, you will move on to your stomach in your sleep

Your lips are slightly parted, plump & kissable your lips always look like an invitation to me

You slowly move one arm, you are deep asleep, yet your hand starts searching for me

I take your hand, I rub your back, you let out a deep breath, relaxing that much more

You make a small sound, it is the sound of contentment

This is all I need to hear and see, this is all I need to fall into my own deep slumber

Before I do I appreciate the most amazing part of you, the light inside of you

This burns bright, you love so passionately and fully, you are so loyal and protective of our family

This is what I love most, you love me I know, you also love my girl, who now is our girl

She adores you and loves you, just like you do her, your guidance and assurance you give to her

This has changed her life. As you lie in the sun, as my eyes close, I know we are lucky, and she is lucky to have 3 Mums.

Kick out the doubt.

Don’t worry, there is nothing to fear

I live inside you, I am the one that taunts you

Inside your head, who makes you question yourself

Who makes you doubt those around you

Do not be afraid, I just needed to stretch

I felt as if you were trying to push me out

My space inside was getting smaller and smaller

Almost as if you were taking back control

I promise you now, that I will fight to keep control, there is nothing you can do or feel to banish me

I exist inside you, I am part of you, I am sure you love me

Love is such an odd emotion, if that’s what I feel you have towards me

I do not think this is quite right, as lately there is a new feeling inside

It really makes me very sick, I can not tolerate this pure feeling

So if you don’t mind, please allow me some more room, & stop this pure, happy feeling

I would appreciate it

You will hear from me again soon I can assure you

Just as soon as I find out why I am locked out.

My quiet place.

I sit in silence under the tree

I have my back against the rough bark

I can feel the different textures of bark through my tee shirt

I have my eyes closed

But I know this tree

It’s so big I can’t fit my arms around it

It’s trunk is strong, it’s tall & wide

There aren’t many branches until you look further up

The top of the tree is full of big branches, all covered with green leaves

Once in awhile you will see a koala sitting up there

I can hear the wind building getting ready to blow

As it starts the slight smell of eucalyptus starts wafting

As it gets stronger I can hear the leaves rustling, I can imagine them dancing in the wind

As the wind gets stronger I hear the big branches start to creak

This is the moment I look up & open my eyes

To watch the majestic tree dance in the wind

I feel at peace, I breathe in the strong smell of eucalyptus

I take in all the different green of the leaves

This is where my mind is finally still & quiet

This is my quiet, this is my place to be completely still & quiet.

Sunrise.

I woke up to a room, the colour was gold, I knew this room was cream

It took me a minute, then it clicked, it was sunrise of course

I had stayed at my parents house, it was the morning after my father’s funeral

Sunrise was special to Dad, he made a point of watching it, telling me the sun on the sea is gods fingers

I reached over, unlocked the sliding door in my parents spare room & let the air in

The smell of the sea filled the room, I could hear the waves crashing, I knew this will be no ordinary sunrise, it’s the morning after Dads funeral

I stepped out the glass sliding door, keeping my head down

I walked over the cool outdoor tiles, feeling the roughness of dried salt water on my feet

I stood at their fence, it reaches to just above my waist

I take a deep breath, inhaling the sea air again, I raise my head, I finally open my eyes

My eyes are seeing something so beautiful my brain is not quite understanding

The sun is gold, there is a beautiful light gold halo around the sun, this changes to a light red

The sun is stretching its fingers, I trace them with my eyes

The reflection on the sea is that same as in the sky

I am looking at a double sunrise, the sea is calm the reflection not moving

I can’t help but be overcome, the beauty memorising

I knew in my heart, Dad was saying it’s ok, I am ok, you are too my beautiful daughter.

Unconditionally.

To my girlfriend, Babe you are even more then I can express. Thank you for loving me, accepting me & my situation. For taking on being a Mum & you have blown me away. Xo

This woman of mine is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.

This woman is real, her flesh is soft & she tastes of honey.

Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she saves a special smile just for me.

To my woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday as you have come further then you know.

To face your fear in the eyes

And know that you are stronger then you believe

I will be right here beside you, I will listen have patience

I will show kindness, love & care

I will be your strength when you feel weak, I will pull you up when you feel low

Do not doubt my commitment to you

From here on it will be you & me

Don’t ever feel you are not enough to me my love you are more then enough.

You have given yourself a path in life that was unexpected, you have done this for me.

Disassociation.

Ever been so hurt you can’t cry, you can’t move, you are stuck

Stuck in no mans land full of pain, rejection & emptiness

The person who hurt you is standing right there, they are not aware you can not move

They have gone into another place, they have dissociated

This was not their intent, they did not mean to, but in a moment of anger

To protect themselves, without meaning to they locked the emotions away

The way they look at you, the love is just not there, locked up for the moment

Along with the care & understanding, they are right there watching you cry

It hurts, it cuts so deep you can’t express the pain you are in

They just don’t seem to care at all, this is like jagged glass cutting your heart in half

The pain goes into your every cell, you can feel yourself slipping straight into the dark hole

The pain is so intense it almost knocks you out, maybe that would be better you think

Then a little part of you remembers it’s not their fault

This is a part of them they can’t always control

They can control coming back, you know this inside

You know they want to, but the resistance within them is so strong

You are the anchor to their ship that tries to sail away

Stand up out of that dark hole, don’t let them look away

Show them your pain, show them you care, show them you will be there

Take them in your arms, let them relax & feel safe for a minute

Then ask them to look within, to find the embers of the fire that burns for you

Tell them to Stoke that fire, bring them back to you

As hard as it is, you know this will happen again, you will need to rescue them

You know also that the love you have is more fulfilling & joyous then the occasional pain of the disassociation.

Triggers – living with PTSD.

I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.

Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.

She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.

The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.

As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.

So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.

It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?

I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.

It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.

I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.

So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.

By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.

We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.

My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.

At least that is my hope.

Honesty.

One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.

It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.

Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.

It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.

When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.

You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.

So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.

It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.

Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.

I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.

As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.

Emotions flooded me this week.

It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.

You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.

So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.

That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.

However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.

I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.

We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.

For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.

Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.

If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.

Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.

There is a time to grieve.

For Mum. Thank you for your endless love & care.

Her light blonde hair lightly brushes her shoulders as she walks up the hallway, freshly brushed & a fresh coat of lipstick is all she needs to do

Naturally beautiful she does not need the make up others wear, she is not aware of how people take notice 

Her husband is, she smiles to herself, she knows he does not tolerate others looking at her, he has somewhat mellowed over the years

The fighting nature he had at university has turned into a fighting nature in the boardroom 

As she walks up the hallway she can smell the familiar scent of pipe tobacco in the air

This is a comforting smell, all though this is comforting it also makes her sneeze

She walks into the dining room, lightly smoothing her hair, she looks to the right, across the bar to a man with short wavy black hair

As he looks up at her, she can feel her eyes start to twinkle & then fill with love

As she looks into his eyes, she watches as his do the same, & then that final look of disbelief she married him

She knows he adores her, loves her unconditionally, as she does him, yes he can be hard to deal with at times, he can be happy irrational & quick to anger at other times 

But he does calm down quickly, he knows he can be irrational, his mind is always going so quick she thinks, no wonder he gets wound up

She can see he is starting to relax, finally starting to let go of the day he had, full of meetings & negotiations, fighting in the boardroom 

She hates to disturb him, but he is rarely home at this hour, not in time to put the kids the bed

The kids love to see him before sleep, love to run & cuddle up to the big teddy bear of a man they call Dad

Their daughter has been known to fly into his arms with excitement when he gets home, she is an emotional one she thinks to herself, very emotional like him.

She softly says that it’s time for the kids to go to bed, gently asking him to come & say goodnight, he gives her a slight smile & nods

She knows he will come, he rarely says no to her, & the children, well he would not deny them this time with him

As she walks away, she takes in the sound of ice swirling in a glass, knowing there will be scotch in the glass

She knew the children were his pride & joy, he loved their children, they were both so proud of their intelligent, chatty children, opposites of each other, yet similar in so many ways

She knows that in a few years, these children will be far too grown up, she wants to enjoy the time they have together now

Years later, she looks at an empty scotch glass sitting on the shelf, she hears the ice tinkling around, the smell of scotch & tobacco 

The memories of a life well lived come flooding back, she thinks of him, she can see him standing up against the wall of the balcony 

Their grown children, one on either side of him, their daughter wrapping her arm around him to keep him warm

His son on the other side, shifting closer without being aware, to share a little more body heat with this man they both admire

She thinks to herself, he was right about the children, the daughter has a mind that is very different, & emotions that can run out of control, she is her father’s daughter 

Their son is more like her, more practical & calm, he thinks things through, he is also intelligent like his father 

She can feel his warmth surround her, can feel the love he has for her, she knows she gave him the greatest gift she could 

Others thought it was too much, but not to her, not for him, to keep him at home, comfortable & surrounded by her love & care until his last week 

This is what he wanted, after 50 years of marriage, she wanted to be by his side, she can grieve the loss after, & she wants to be there for this precious time

She is comforted by the knowledge he is at peace, & out of pain, takes comfort in the knowledge he is with the god they believe in.

She knows he lived a rich & happy life, she knows that he was at peace in the end, at peace with moving on.