Unknown Breakdown.

Well, my life is very different, it has taken me awhile to adjust, & to be honest talk about it all.

Last year was awful in so many ways, however I don’t remember most of it.

After going through some counselling & medical assistance it’s become clear that I had a breakdown. Everything over the last four years finally caught up to me.

This is the thing, I never really dealt with what happened to my wife, Kate. I just kept going, just didn’t really think to deeply about it. It was too much, too sad, too heartbreaking.

That was four years ago, then two years ago my father died. This was the catalyst for my mind to start breaking.

I was very close to my father, he got me, he understood my mind, he understood how mental health is a beast to live with. Bi Pola, Anxiety & PTSD none of them are a walk in the park, that is for damm sure!

Dad gave me ways to cope, to help me live with it all, to really embrace they are just a part of me, they do not define me, nor should I not live a great life because of them. He knew my mind was different from a young age, he encouraged me to write poetry, to channel my emotions. This made a word of difference.

Back to the current situation, after Dad passed, I was in a world of never ending grief for about a month before it started to lift.

I realise now since then I avoided so many issues, not just my own, everyday household management, bills, anything negative. I just ignored anything I thought was a negative.

Then in November 2021 things get hazy, until about February, then it’s dark, no memory until November.

I was a different person during this time I have learnt, I was very uncaring & manipulative, not affectionate, argumentative. All these things are not me.

Everyone thought I was just struggling, I would get it together in the end. Somehow I just kept going, I was sleeping a lot according to my daughter.

Now I am slowly trying to put the pieces together. My girlfriend & I broke up during this time, however I have no memory of this at all. To say I am heartbroken would be an understatement.

Knowing I let her down, I wasn’t there like I should have been for Kate, & Jemima. My beautiful girl, she didn’t like this new Mum, she felt alone.

I have a road ahead, I also need to learn to forgive myself. I need to heal.

We all have challenges in life, we all go through good & bad times. We all need to be kind to ourselves, & we all need to be self aware. They are my challenges this year.

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To Jemima – My Girl

Look at you, not a girl anymore, not quite a woman

Beautiful in your dress, hair all done up, wearing your first pair of heels

Full of nerves for your first school dance, butterflies dancing in your stomach

I can see the little girl you were, I now can imagine the woman you will be

Memories dash across my mind, your strong cry as you were born, your eye’s scrunched closed

Holding you as tears of joy fell down my cheeks, you were finally here

Watching your face as your eyes opened, watching you slowly quite down

As the months went by, watching you as you grew, ready to catch you if you fell

At nine months you had a look of determination, you grabbed hold of my hands

Once you were standing you let go & walked across the room, you suddenly fell

I was there, I caught you, you looked up at me & smiled as if you knew I would always be there

I will let you walk your own path my girl, I will be right here

I will cheer you on, I will comfort you, I will always catch you if you fall, I will always help you back up

To let you keep walking your own path, in your way, to your own beat

I watch as you walk into the dance, a huge smile on your face, i smile to myself

Despite the trauma we have faced, you are confident, self assured, happy & determined

For this I am beyond thankful.

Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

Crestfallen.

Her scars are so well hidden, tied up with a ribbon

They have pushed her to be driven, easy street never a given

She looks at them often, to remind her of what can not be forgotten

Her childhood forsaken, the reality was disillusion, her fate unchosen

She is the very definition of a self made woman thriven

Her scars won’t stop her succession, those in her way are stricken with affliction

She knows how it feels to be a trophy decoration, there for a presentation

Now she loves her chosen, trophy hunters are left crestfallen

Strong, filled with intelligence & passion, her path forward unknown

She will walk it unshaken, knowing she is not forsaken

Untying her ribbon, scars no longer hidden

The path will widen, striden forward together, sun shinin.

Circle of fire – a flashback to my youth.

I sat down on the beach, puts my bag beside me
I was early, I choose to be so I could see the last bit of the sunset
The sky was alive with vivid colours, the most incredible display
The sun dipped below the horizon, darkness started to fall
I heard them coming, talking & laughing, my tribe
I stood up & took out my gear, liquid on, as they appeared I lite them up
There is nothing in this world that takes me away more then this
As I dance, I twirl my stick, watching the fire
I feel free, light & wild, i can feel the heat from the flame
As the flame starts to go out, I can hear my friends cheering me on
I feel apart of a tribe, I feel loved, I feel like a wild child.

Intense Ambiguity.

I refuse to bend myself to suit social expectations, this I will do no more

I have tied myself in knots to appear as a shadow of myself

I am tired of hiding within, of holding the best part of me back

I am a intense ambiguity, I am unique in every way

I will not hide my scars of trauma, not for your comfort

I will not keep my emotions hidden, feel free to look away

Proudly I walk beside my girlfriend, she rescued me from despair

I will talk about my wife, locked inside her mind, surrounded by a injured brain

It’s easier for you to forget, it’s the reality of my life

It’s time for me to stop appeasing others, start working on me

Our daughter needs to see that being unique & scared is nothing to hide

Now is my time, please the door is to your left if you would like to leave.

Monster.

A monster lives within me
This monster tells me everything I do wrong
It tells me how awful I look, how bumpy my body is
It taunts me, I am so monstrous I should hide behind a mask
I can not go out with the real me on display

To this monster I say, you are wrong, not me
I do not look awful, my body has forty five years of life mapping, I would expect bumps
I am not monstrous, I fought hard to find me, I will not hide, I am not perfect, I am perfectly imperfect.

Entwined.

Everlasting love I believed was a fairytale for me

I was on the sidelines watching life pass me by

Watching my friends move on with life, I was frozen in time

I jerked myself awake, I told myself I have to try

A little girls heart broken from trauma, I knew I had to start

She had lost one parent, I would not let her loose another

She could not grieve, my wife had not passed, a claustrophobic injury to the brain

I started living, step by step, I was lonely, full of sadness

Yet you somehow could see past that, you started knocking on my wall of sadness

You showed me, slowly that I could be happy, I could be more

Day by day my wall crumbled, then you kissed me

My wall dropped, a new feeling I had inside, I knew I had felt it before

Joy started to fill me up, I started smiling, laughing, then loving

Our life is complicated, our life is full, our life is unique

Our everlasting love is strong, I stand by you proudly my love.

One year of grief.

A year ago today my father passed, here is what I would want him to know.

New beginnings.

Just like that 2021 is over, possibly one of the hardest years I have ever had to get through.

Everyone has struggled this year, our lives have changed, it’s been hard to be separated from loved ones.

I would really like this year to be like this, my friend hasn’t spoken to her daughter all year, her daughter has been going through some things, her daughter called at midnight, she felt so happy, so grateful, excited for the future.

Wouldn’t it be great if 2022 was just like that!

Short comings.

Dear 2022,

I am writing to you to provide some advance warning of the expectations for the next 12 months, unfortunately your predecessor did not meet expectations, in fact it left much to be desired.

To name just a few short comings that were experienced that I would kindly ask not be repeated:

Grief: Losing my partners brother unexpectedly & then my father within 24 hours was clearly awful management with no care to how this would affect others, to say this left us devastated would be an understatement, not to mention the sheer pain & distress this caused.

In laws: I know it is a running joke that no one likes in laws, however I am one of the few that have fantastic in laws, at least they were, the way 2020 has stopped them moving forward after trauma really is something that needs to be addressed, this has severely fractured our relationship.

Lockdowns: Lastly, no more of this. This is immature & quite frankly controlling! To be in lockdown whilst grieving, unable to see your family is unacceptable, please ensure this does not happen.

So, what do I ask for:

This 2022 is easy. I ask please, keep things balanced. Provide more happy moments then sad, give me hope again, for now & in the future. Show me the beauty all around, make sure I take notice, give me reason to pause & admire. Help me have more self belief, let me borrow others belief in me & build mine own.

Lastly I ask to please give my girl A fair go, she is 10, but has experienced more trauma & loss then most people to a lifetime, let her be please, just let her be a child, & enjoy what innocence she has left, let her be happy, let her laugh, let her be silly.

I do hope this provides you with some much needed guidance.

Baggage.

Stop, look back, pull the load forward
Go, look forward, heave the load forward
Stop, don’t dwell, look in the load
Go, look at the memory, don’t take it
Stop, put memory back, hang on to every one
Go, look forward, hope is bright
Stop, rest, load is heavy
Go, look up, focus on future
Stop, look back, do I need the load
Go, let go, drop the load
Stop, breathe, you can let it go
Go, light, free, I don’t need the load anymore.

Self Belief – A constant struggle.

My girlfriend says to me quite often, maybe your not a bad writer? Maybe you can relate to people. She says this not in a mean way, it’s a reminder to me, to have some self belief, to stop having to faith in my work.

This is something I find confronting, I know very few people who can say they are good at something, or give them selves some recognition for when things go well. As a writer when you are submitting you are putting yourself out there, the rejections pile up, if you get a response.

An acceptance is always unexpected, it’s like I have won the lottery. I am floored every time, I always question it, are they sure, do they actually like my work? Maybe they didn’t get any others? The reality is, they like it.

I find this unfathomable that they like it & relate to it. I acknowledge that I must have some self belief if I am submitting, but I can’t feel it or find it. Until now.

A magazine is publishing me three months in a row, they publish one piece of writing per issue, this made me understand that yes, maybe I can write, maybe I need to start having a bit more confidence.

We all struggle with self belief, it’s when these wins happen that help us see, maybe we aren’t so bad. No matter what you do, look out for those moments, hang on to that belief.

Deadweight

Photo Poem

Swagger.

She walked into the kitchen, putting extra swing in her swagger

Her long hair down, her singlet loose, bra had gone

She made sure her woman noticed, standing on the side she knew everything was on display

She put her hands up in her hair, leant her head back

Pushing her chest forward, she heard the intake of air

Her partner she knew was watching, enjoying this show

As uncomfortable as she was with her body, she knew her partner loved every inch

Her self esteem so much higher, just knowing she was loved for her

No request to change, no criticism of her little quirks

She would never have put herself on display like this before

Now, she could see the lust & love in her partner’s eyes

She turned, swaggered off to the bedroom, throwing her singlet as she went

She knew her partner would come, they both loved & appreciated each other

She knew her partner couldn’t resist her, she couldn’t resist her partner.

Love is…..

I love you I say to my daughter every night
I love you Mummy she says & gives me a hug
She knows she is loved, she can see how loved she is

I love you Mum I say at the end of our calls
I love you honey, your very dear to me she says back
A mother’s love is strong, I can feel it through her voice

I love you I say to my best friend
I love you too she says, always
After thirty five years we are as close as thieves

I love you, I adore you I say to my girlfriend
She smiles & says I love you too, her love is strong
She hugs me, I sigh & relax in her arms, knowing I am loved

Love can not be defined by one person
Love is felt in so many different ways
Love is acceptance of who you are, just the way you are.

Unbelievable!

Having only started to put myself out there this year, at the age of 45 with my writing, I had no if any expectations. For me, it was a I know I will regret it if I don’t. I thought I might receive a couch of likes, I don’t know if anyone will relate, I am definite not a good writer.

I have always written in a very descriptive way, highly emotional, & I don’t edit. The poems, short stories & blog posts are the first draft. I have tried to edit, however it is never good enough, so I put it toggle in my head first.

To say I have been shocked in the best way, humbled & surprised to find people relate to my writing would be an understatement. I don’t consider myself a good writer, I see all the flaws.

In the last week I have been published, twice!! http://www.unclearmag.com & https://rockthepigeon.com To me it’s like receiving an Oscar. It’s huge, I have been submitting & this the third & fourth time I have been published. I am flabbergasted when I receive an acceptance.

Rock The Pigeon was a very different poem to write, it’s about transitioning, I have never felt I was in the wrong body, but I have friends who have & I read Ryan Cassata’s story, it inspired me. I sent the piece to him, he published it. Beyond humbled by this.

I am grateful for everything that has happened, to everyone who reads my work, thank you, from the bottom of my surprised heart. I love reading your feedback & comments.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

Comfy at home.

I don’t know about you, but I am over hearing people complain about COVID! The way our lives have been restricted, changed, challenged in every way. For those not in Australia, Melbourne since March 2020 we have spent 260 days in lockdown. Often separated from family that live 30kms away for months. yes it is hard.

I know this was all necessary, I know that the government saved many lives by doing this. I know that our healthcare has been able to manage because of these restrictions. That now have finished if you are fully vaccinated, which I am, so is my partner.

Any plans we had, canceled!! My partner works in healthcare, & luck would have it, restrictions are lifted & her workplace has an outbreak. Nearly all the residents & staff are vaccinated, those infected are showing no symptoms due to the vaccine. Those who medically can not be vaccinated are struggling.

When I was first told COVID is more contagious then a cold I could not imagine it. I can now, it flies around, literally it spreads like wildfire. The way it has spread so quickly is astonishing, on day three there were 7 positive, day four 19 positive. I know many who really like me could not fathom something spreading so fast.

So now, we are in somewhat of a lockdown, partner goes to work & home, no where else. I limit where I go, our daughter to school, grandparents & home. We are still locked up in our comfy house. Together, as a family supporting each other.

We are lucky, we are safe. Our daughter is not old enough to be vaccinated, so we are careful, antibacterial wipes & masks on hand always. Lockdown is not so bad, being healthy, happy & together. I will take that any day over sickness. Once this outbreak is over, we can go out more. We can rejoin society. For the moment I know I am blessed.

Curse of the innocent mind – A horror short story.

Warm & snug, she lies in her bed, hoping with all her might sleep will just take over, eyes squeezed shut, trying not to think. All is quiet, she relaxes a little, yawns & snuggles in to her bed. She feels herself starting to drift & sighs.

A soft scratching noise drifts up, the very sound she didn’t want to hear. She curls up tight, trying to ignore the sound, the fear building in her stomach.
The scratching stops, she knows why, the floor seems to have a ripple, then slowly one claw appears, sharp, long & dirty. Three more follow, then the hand, the skin is white, the veins black, Criss crossing under the skin.

The head slowly appears, black eyes, rimmed with red, two holes for a nose, a mouth too small for the teeth, it drips saliva. The smell of rotten meat fills her nose.
The monster pulls himself out, a contorted smile on its face. It’s body is skinny & covered in scars, there is a new cut across it’s leg, still seeping black blood.

She is petrified, she can’t move, this thing started coming two weeks ago, no one believes her, she can’t scream, her throat feels tight, as if it is closing over.
She starts silently crying, she has been able to not cry every other night, to show it she is not scared, but tonight she can’t, she lets the tears flow.

The thing in front of her is hideous, she wants to look away but she can’t. She wants to run but she can’t. She wants to do anything other then sit here in fear.

The thing looks at her with a strange expression, slowly moves it’s hand, with a claw it grabs a tissue from her bedside table & hands it too her. She is confused but takes the tissue.

The thing sits down on the floor, completely still, when it looks up it’s eyes have changed to a green colour, a distinctive colour. She knows this colour, her best friend had the same colour, he went missing three months ago.

Suddenly she understands, the curse, the old wives tale, that once every ten years, a boy is given & turned into a monster, unless he is recognised he will stay like that forever.
Before she overthinks it all, she utters his name, ‘Eoin? Is that you?’

The thing screams, it’s body is thrashing, moving too fast for her eyes to follow. The thrashing starts to slow down, Eoin is lying on the floor soaked in sweat.

She gently touches his shoulder, he screams, then opens his eyes, he blinks at her. He raises his hands to his face, he seems to be in shock.

‘Eoin it’s me Trinity, can you hear me?’ Eoin nods his head, Trinity helps him on to the bed. He curls up, she wraps her arms around him. She closes her eyes. She doesn’t notice the claws coming back, nor remember there is no curse, just a thought planted in a innocent mind.

Uncaged.

She runs in her pink dress, pink ribbons flying from her hair

Little Mary Janes shiny & new, she is a perfect picture

She knows she should not be playing with the boys

She knows she will disappoint her parents again

Coming in all dirty, hair falling everywhere, new shoes scraped

She has no desire to play with the girls, she doesn’t want to pretend

She turns thirteen, she is the tomboy, loves being outdoors

She pretends to like boys, fitting in, seeming normal

She reaches eighteen, no longer trying to be someone else

She is quirky, she is the one to stand up for others

Finally at twenty one she begs for acceptance, boys are not for her

Acceptance is not given, breaking her heart in two

Aimlessly she walks alone, for ninety days, she is ready to give up

Acceptance comes out of the blue, a true heartfelt apology given

Life starts to move in a new direction, of openness & honesty

The relief she feels within, to finally live cage less

The happiness is clear, a journey has started, a new life

A life she is free to spread her wings, to embrace who she is

I never thought I could, I did, I am & I will, live as a proud gay woman.

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

At the grand age of 45 I am learning a new skill, the art of writing rap. I have always just let my writing flow, it comes naturally. I have never gone to classes or done any courses until this year.

An opportunity came my way to help write a short film, along with others, one of the writers naturally writes rap. After reading what she wrote the whole short film will be rap.

So here I am trying to get how this is done, it’s a completely different way of writing. I enjoy listening to rap music, I have a whole new level of respect for the artists.

It is not an easy way to write, to get it to flow just right, to make sure everything sounds easy. I am lucky that I have someone to run things by, as my first attempt which I thought was good, was not rap. It didn’t rhyme enough, the flow wasn’t there & it was hard to voice.

Learning this made me think, as we travel through life we learn new skills all the time, sometimes it’s great to challenge ourselves to learn something completely different. Something which makes us change the way we think.

To really push ourselves outside that comfort zone, I know a lot of sites say to do this to improve yourself. No, it’s not about improvement, it’s about pushing ourselves in a way that we find fun, interesting & enjoyable.

We all need ways to keep our minds busy, I am finding this is a really great & fun way, yes it definitely hurts my brain, but I am loving learning something that is completely different for me.

So, let yourself imagine something you would like to try, that’s completely different for you. Add more enjoyment to your life.

Chemistry ignites – short erotic story.

Sheila had always had a fantasy woman, this woman always appeared in her erotic dreams, & she always thought of her when pleasuring herself. She could imagine how it would be to kiss her breasts, run her hand down her back, lick her pussy, just like she does an ice cream. How it would feel to have this woman touch her breasts, suck on them, push her fingers inside her.

The feelings were so intense as she came, always guaranteed to work. Her woman was blonde, short, lean but curvy, with a great arse. She had attitude, almost the bad girl, full of sex appeal. Not full of herself, unaware of how attractive she is, she walks with a sexy swagger.

Sheila went out one night, she was meant to go with Marcia who cancelled at the last minute, Sheila decided she hadn’t been to the Lesbian bar for some time, why not go alone. She dressed up in her favorite low cut top, with DD breasts & a push up bra she knew the top looked good. She wore her favorite black jeans & stiletto boots. Not too much make up, & of course her green leather jacket.

Sheila walked in to the bar, feeling apprehensive, she hadn’t been out alone before, she had always wanted to, just to prove to herself she could. She walked up to the bar & ordered her standard drink a scotch on the rocks. Top shelf scotch, she loved a good scotch. Sheila took a sip & licked her lips, she closed her eyes as the familiar burning sensation went down her throat, good scotch she thought.

‘Excuse me, can I sit here?’ Said a voice next to her, Sheila opened her eyes & blinked, was something in her drink? Her woman was in front of her, exactly as she imagined. The only thing different, she was living & breathing.

‘Sure, ah yep.’ Sheila said in a quiet voice. ‘Thanks, just stopped for a quick drink. Hey can I get a top shelf scotch on the rocks?’ Sheila looked in awe, she had good taste. ‘So, uh, I haven’t seen you here before?’ Sheila could have slapped herself, did she really just say that?

‘Ha! That’s an old line, no I don’t go to bars much, I tend to stick to home & friends. Actually, I hate being hit on, I stay away from bars, clubs, all of it.’ Sheila nodded ‘sorry, that just came out. I didn’t mea’ Sheila was cut off. ‘Don’t worry, look I am just here for the drink. Where are your friends?’

‘Well, um I came alone actually.’ Sheila went bright red with embarrassment. ‘Seriously? Girl that takes guts, good on you. You never know what will happen. I like a woman who walks to her own beat.’ Her blue eyes looked straight into Sheila’s, keeping her transfixed.

‘So you like good Scotch, do you live locally? Oh, ha I am Axel, nice to meet you.’ Sheila looked at Axel ‘Sheila, & yes I live within walking distance. I love a good scotch, I have two indulgences, Scotch & lingerie.’

‘Oh, who is the lingerie for?’ Axel asked. ‘Me, I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Sheila said getting more confident. ‘Well I am going to be forward, how about we go to your place & enjoy some scotch?’ Axel said whilst obviously looking at Sheila’s chest. Sheila sat up straighter & pushed her chest out a bit, making it clear they were Axels for the taking.

Axel looked up, ‘Maybe whilst we enjoy a scotch you could put on some lingerie for me to admire you in?’ Sheila felt her pulse quicken, wetness pooled in her panties, she was desperate to undress Axel. ‘Axel I would love to sit in a corset & suspenders, with crotchless knickers, red I think, for you to admire & watch me get the scotch ready.’ Sheila had never been so bold in her life. Axel chocked on some scotch, obviously not expecting such boldness.

‘Let’s go babe, I can drive you.’ Axel said as she put money down for the drinks, grabbed Sheila’s hand & pulled her towards the exit. Sheila could feel Axels pulse was quick, her palms a little sweaty, her swagger almost had Sheila drooling.

Axel unlocked her car, Sheila got in the passenger side, she was about to pull her seat belt across, when Axel leant across, kissing her lightly on the top of her breasts, Axel grabbed the seat belt & clicked it in. Sheila was squirming. ‘Anticipation baby, I want you soaking wet for me.’ Axel said with a crocked smile. Sheila closed her eyes & moaned.

Sheila unlocked her front door, walked into the kitchen, grabbed Axel & lifted her on to the counter. Before Axel could speak Sheila kissed her, parting her lips with her tongue, Sheila slowly drew out Axels tongue & started sucking it. Axel pulled back, ‘I want your tongue inside me.’ Sheila laughed & said ‘Anticipation baby.’ Axel grabbed her & took of her jacket, top & bra quickly, she squeezed one breast & started sucking on the other.

Sheila could feel this was not going to take long, Axel pushed down her jeans, & in a swift movement, parted her legs & thrust her fingers inside her, Sheila’s legs almost gave way with the pleasure. Axel turned her around, put an arm around her waist, bent her forward & thrust two fingers in & out, it was as if Axel knew what she wanted, Axel started to thrust harder & faster, Sheila could feel herself dripping down her leg, suddenly the most intense orgasm took her over. Axel didn’t stop, she kept going whilst Sheila felt like she had honey running through her veins. The feeling was euphoric.

As her orgasm started to dim Sheila took Axels fingers out, spun around & almost ripped off Axels jeans. Sheila spread her legs wide & pushed her tongue inside her. The taste, the taste of Axel was so sweet, as it ran down Sheila’s throat she moaned the taste & feel of Axel was bringing another orgasm. Sheila licked up to her clit, she sucked on her clit, flicking it with her tongue. Axel was trying so hard to control herself, not to finish yet, but her body had other ideas.

Sheila licked up into Axel as far as she could, she thrust her tongue in & out, suddenly Axels orgasm took over, Axel squirted right down Sheila’s throat. Sheila orgasmed again from the feel, the taste, the bucking of Axels hips.

Sheila stood up, ‘how about that scotch now?’ Axel looked at her with fuzzy eyes, ‘sure baby, then round two.’ Sheila shivered at the thought, she went & got her best bottle of scotch & two glasses. She hoped they would be up all night.

Fan the embers.

You ain’t the same, your light is dimming

I know you don’t mean to, life just extinguishers your flame

All the stress, the constant slamming of demands on you

Time to kick it back, stop saying yes, stop being the pleaser

Your the number one, take yourself to the front of the queue

Tell others do not pass go, do not collect $200

Let’s grab some fine food, refuel your fire, fan the embers

Get some rest, turn off that phone, curl up in my arms

Be warm & snug, on the flip side you will return to you.

Ten things about me & what they mean.

I read a blog post today, & found it interesting to know more about the writer, so here are ten things about me, & what they mean.

Hair colour: Blonde

Eye colour: Blue/Green

Fun Fact: I am ridiculously clumsy.

Favourite stone: every girl loves diamonds, for me I love the black ones, they are mysterious & beautiful.

Black diamonds represent inner strength and justice. They are great for a woman who wants to stand apart and stand strong in her conviction.

Favourite colour: I have always loved green, it reminds me of the forest.

Prone to putting lots of importance on money and security.

Those who love green desperately want to feel secure in both their finances and relationships. They’re also social butterflies and are probably on a diet as we speak.

Favourite drink: Coffee, Latte if I can!!

Latte drinkers like to choose options that are safe and familiar. The latte is like a security blanket that offers warmth and support in the middle of a harsh day. Those soft peaks of foamed milk on the top of a latte are like little pillows that cushion blows from the cruel world. A latte might be your go-to drink if you like comfort, familiarity, and coziness. Fans of the latte tend to also love things like fuzzy scarves and handmade throw pillows.

Favourite music: heavy metal & hard rock I find soothing.

If you enjoy rock and heavy metal, then your mind is quite intuitive and open to future possibilities. You love to weave ideas and reflect on your life.

Favourite sleeping position: I have always slept on my side, either side, but generally left.

If sleeping on either of your sides is your go-to comfy position, it means you are an easy-going person, who welcomes everyone with an open heart.

Further, if your preferred sleeping side is left you may be more creative.

Favourite season: I love the start of spring, the end of winter, it’s not too hot & not too cold.

If spring is your favorite season, then you might crave new experiences, and the spring season offers the chance of renewal that you need after a long, cold winter.

Mountains or beach: I hate sand, & I love mountains.

You like seclusion. CREATIVE It is likely that you have a creative pursuit in your life. It could either be writing, painting, sketching, or singing. You belong to the mountains because you think they bring out the best in you.

PHILOSOPHICAL, you like conversations that are much deeper. You love talking about art, nature, life and philosophy. Also, this makes you a much better listener.

Suddenly single.

So, your life has suddenly changed, weather it be a relationship breakdown or a tragic event. You find yourself in unfamiliar waters, wondering what the hell do I do know?

Firstly you are not alone, secondly have you stocked up on your favourite alcoholic beverage? Trust me you will need it.

 

It’s hard moving on, or in my case, my wife has an Acquired Brain Injury & can not talk or move, I am very lucky that I have met someone else, who understands they share my heart.

There is a lot to that story, but we are here to talk about you. I know you are probably feeling awful, looking at all your lumps & bumps. Let me tell you, other people won’t care, & do not see them like you do. They will see your beauty inside & out. However, I have learnt putting in effort every day to look good seriously helps!

 

You don’t have to love all of yourself yet, let’s start with one thing. For me, my boobs! I am a DD, I am 45 & they are still perky!! Just find one thing you like about yourself, you can build it from there. I guarantee you will find more, & you will surprise yourself.

 

Everyone will have advice, I know they care. The thing is it gets quite annoying when everyone wants to have a say on your life. It is much easier just to say thank you, I appreciate that you care, & move on. If people think you have listened, & appreciate they made an effort they generally move on.

 

Now this is about you, but people want to be seen to be doing the right thing. Feel free to say no thank you to offers from those who really are just doing it so they feel good. You don’t have the energy for them, just let them go.

 

Kids, my saving grace with my daughter was having three people I could call on whenever I needed, if it was just for a few hours or overnight. I trust them & like them, more importantly my daughter felt safe & loved with them. The other thing with kids, be honest about what is happening, don’t keep secrets.  They will feel more secure if they know what is happening.

 

Lastly, this is a very quick guide, there will be many things that pop up. Just do the best you can, don’t doubt yourself. Remember to smile, remember to laugh. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t loose yourself to it.

 

Now, go grab a beverage, sit back, enjoy the moment, & just allow yourself to let things go a little.

Unexpected pleasure.

She was lying on the bed, half asleep, relaxed

Wearing only her singlet & knickers

Her partner walked in & stopped taking the time to appreciate the sight

The white singlet was pulled hard across her nipples

Her breasts were perfect in every way

Her stomach lean, with just a little bump from dinner

Her knickers showed the start of her core, it was clear she shaved

Her lips were plump & pink, how she loved kissing those lips

Her hair was long with a slight curl, draped over her shoulder

She walked up to the bed, she kissed both nipples

She was met with a little surprised moan

She lifted up the singlet to expose those perfect breasts

She sucked one, & lightly pinched the nipple of the other

She was almost knocked off when her hips started bucking

She slid her hand down between her legs, she found her moist & ready

She slid one finger in, drew it out & sucked on the taste

She slid down pulled the panties down

Before she could say anything she thrust her tongue inside, back out & circled around

She licked up to her clit, sucked on it hard

Licking & sucking until she could feel she was close

She went back to her core, tasting the honey running down

She thrust her tongue in, her girlfriend grabbed her hair

She used her hair to push her tongue in & out

She pushed her tongue in as far as she could

Loving the sensation of her girlfriend taking control

From one thrust to the next, the honey came flowing out

Legs shaking, still thrusting her head she kept the honey of her pleasure flowing

When she was done, she grabbed her girlfriend & thrust her fingers in

It took only a few thrusts, the pleasure of tasting her girlfriend

Had left her ready to let her own honey flow

They lay down in each other’s arms

The love between them clear, they were both satisfied

They are comfortable knowing love & fucking go hand in hand

There will be times for making love, they knew they had a lifetime.

10 year old drama.

I always thought the school drama between girls would start at thirteen or later, once high school starts.

I was wrong! I have found myself very unprepared for my 10 year old daughter to tell me what is happening. How the girls calm each other mean, say I hate you one day & are friends the next.

Now she is not innocent, she has said a few things, & I am right on that, it’s not ok, I heard her saying some nasty things about one of the girls, so I made her write an apology letter.

She didn’t have to give the letter to the girl, I asked her to imagine how she would feel if that girl found out what she said & what would she say to apologise. She thought this was crazy until she wrote it.

All of a sudden an understanding of how her words could affect someone became clear to her. She was upset she had said it, & understood why I pulled her up on it.

I am not naive I am sure she will say things again, hopefully not until she is older. She is too young, this bitchiness at school should not happen in primary school, it’s far too young.

Being a victim of school bullying, I was the nerdy girl, I will not stand for it. As I hope I can teach her.

Reality.

My father & I had a very special relationship, he understood me in a way no one else did, he understood the way I think & the complex reality of living with bi polar.

When he passed in January I was lost, in some ways I still feel lost. This week very lost. Last Sunday was Father’s Day, today is his birthday he would have been 74.

I allow myself to grieve, but I also do not loose myself to it. My father was many things, he was incredibly smart & driven, he was tenacious. As much as I am incredibly emotional today, I refuse to let myself fall.

My father taught me well, he made sure I knew how to be strong, he also made sure I understood how to manage & balance my emotions & reality. When we are full of emotion it is easy to loose a grip on reality.

I know he was proud of me, I will continue to make him proud, make myself proud, most of all teach my daughter how to balance.

My pleasure is yours.

I looked at you, you had just walked out of the shower

You had water beading on your skin

You dropped your towel & looked at me

I grabbed you & pushed you up against the wall

Kissing you hard, I ran my tongue over yours

I felt your whole body tremble, your nipples hardened

I picked you up, you wrapped your legs around my waist

I love the feeling of you wrapped around me, naked & wanting

I carried you to the bathroom sink, & told you to stand

You normally hate being told what to do, this time you moaned

I asked for your leg, I threw your leg over my shoulder

Standing on the sink with your legs spread

You looked like a goddess, perfect lines & curves

I thrust my tongue inside you, I started licking & sucking

I licked you like an ice cream cone, in & out

When you came, I had to catch you

Your body relaxed & you had a look of bliss on your face

I love knowing it was me that made you feel so good.

Memories of music.

‘You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see.’ William sang as he glided gracefully over the floor, in his arms his wife smiled up at him, this was there song, not the wedding song, there private song. He often played it after dinner, & would sing it to her, & they would start to dance.

He loved the smell of her floral fragrance, as it lightly filled the air as they danced, the shampoo she used, he knew that smell. She would tuck her head under his chin, & sigh, her hair would tickle his nose as they moved. She never once refused to dance with him, always with a shy smile, almost like she could still not believe he loved her.

She was 16 when they met, she was the younger sister of a friend, she thought she was a plain Jane, she didn’t see herself as beautiful. When he first saw her, he noticed the natural red highlights in her hair that shone when she stood in the sun, the way her smile lit up her face, her eyes twinkling with happiness.

He noticed the way she often wrung her hands when she was nervous, but what he really noticed was the way she moved. When she danced, she let the music guide her, she looked graceful & beautiful, it appeared to him that she was gliding over the floor, her feet barley touching the floor.

William did another twirl around the floor, he remembered how beautiful she looked on their wedding day, unlike the other girls she had chosen an understated dress, it was perfect for dancing. She was 18, just, the week before she had turned 18, he had just turned 23. As the glided down the aisle she had radiated happiness, he had hoped he could keep her happy forever.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he had surprised her, he had organised for the priest who married them to another ceremony, not another wedding, it was just the two of them. A ceremony that was all about her, the scarifies she had made for him & their children. How she had always put everyone else first, even when her favourite band came on tour, he had been working late, the babysitter cancelled, so she didn’t go. When he asked why she didn’t call him, he would have come home, he knew how much music meant to her, she smiled, ‘No darling, you bring in the money, I do the home. There will be another time.’

He had made sure there was another time, when they went to dance at the end of the ceremony, he had arranged a live web link to the band, they played just for her. She was speechless, & knew she was appreciated.

He twirled around & other memories came to mind, a lifetime of memories, everyone one had a song to go with it, always there was music in their house, car, in their lives. ‘You are so beautiful’ The song was finishing, he started to slow down.

William, come on now, you know you should be in bed, come on, lets go.’ said the man standing next to him, who was this man?

‘William? It’s me Joe, you live here now. Are you dancing with your wife again? I love hearing the stories of your wife. Why don’t you tall me one whilst I walk you to your room.’

William was confused, he started walking slowly with Joe. He was about to ask where his wife was, a nagging memory told him not to, he somehow knew she had passed on. The memory of that was fuzzy, he hung on to the memories of music.

Give & take.

Centre yourself mind, body, spirit

Breathe deeply, slowly, no distractions

Feel the calm roll through yourself

Allow yourself to let go

Centre mind, body, spirit with the earth

Fill yourself up with energy

Let the earth provide renewed energy

Slowly come back to yourself

Let yourself feel the energy within

Give your thanks to earth

Give back what has been taken

With energy the earth needs

Care for your part of earth & give back

The earth will always provide energy.

Hardwired.

I am hardwired to self destruct

I am hardwired to self believe

I am hardwired to self sabotage

I am hardwired to self help

We are all hardwired to destroy ourselves

We are all hardwired to thrive as ourselves

We are all hardwired to be human, faults & all.

Refuge.

I am driving up the hill, tired & stressed after work

I reach a point in the road I know, I put down my window

The air comes in, the fresh mountain air, I breathe it in deeply

I can feel myself start to relax, the air is different here, you can’t help but relax

I drive up my driveway, admiring the forest as I do, looking at the huge gum trees

I almost pinch myself, I feel this way every time I come home

I am so lucky to live here, it’s so peaceful, quiet & breathtakingly beautiful

I walk inside, I am greeted by my daughter with a big smile

This is home, my place of safety, my refuge from the world

Our home is perfect for us all, I am happy, safe & loved

I am relaxed & no longer stressed, I know I am home.

Imperfectly perfect.

I feel something inside, something that is heavy

I try to say it out aloud but my words come out in a jumble

I need to be in your thoughts, when you are doing things

To remember that at times you need to think how it will affect me

To think what it I need, I try to always do this for you

We are a team, we both have our parts to do

Please remember that if you take your time

This could have effects you are not thinking of

I need you to please understand, there are times to look at my side

To not get angry & say hurtful things, to try to see why I am reacting

We are both complicated people, both strong & stubborn

I need to be more flexible, & more tolerant of doing things in your time

Please don’t ever think it is just you, we both have ownership

We both need to be able to stop & think, we are both human, imperfectly perfect.

Surprise!! it’s me life, here to test you!

You know how sometimes it just feels like life is testing you? As if thinking how much can she handle? *insert sinister laugh*

Today that is how I feel, I woke up to my daughter in a awful mood as she didn’t want to go to school, sorry I said you have to go. *Insert childs high pitched voice* I hate you, your the worst Mum!!! *insert heart breaking.*

I knew this would happen I just wasn’t expecting it at 10, I still felt heart broken, then happy. You may wonder why happy? We have been through so much, this was a normal reaction from a pre teen, somehow I got her through it, she is somehow not as scarred as I thought.

After getting grumpy to school, making sure I tell her on the way I do love her, I am proud of her, I get home & start work. One hour later my phone rings.

As I listen I am in shock, a relative of a family member passed away overnight, no reason she was 35. Healthy, happy & has a family. For some reason she didn’t wake up.

This was a shock you don’t expect, not from someone so healthy, no known medical issues. I feel for her shocked family, the pain & confusion they must be feeling.

These two things tested me, really made me have to manage my emotions. I did, I am proud of myself. I did not let anything pull me down.

Now we get ready for tomorrow, & to be there for loved ones.

Return to self.

It is so very easy to let others change you, to take criticism to heart

I was told I was too loud, dull it down I told myself

I was told I was too much, stop being so excitable I kept telling myself

I was told I was too emotional, just don’t feel I reminded myself

Then one day I didn’t know who I was anymore

I made a decision, to return myself to me, find her again within

I am loud at times, that’s ok, it can be quite funny

I am too much, I am a big kid, I love to get excited over the little things

I am emotional, I am driven by emotion, that’s ok, I love & care deeply

I am me, I returned to me, it took time, I had to believe

Those that are my family & friends are so relieved

They missed who I was, they were waiting & hoping for the big return of me.

What I miss.

I miss so much at night, I hear the creatures in the trees

I hear the wind & the rain, I hear the trees moving, leaves rustling

I can feel the energy of the night, calm & peaceful so many are asleep

I can feel the breeze, the coldness of the night

I can’t see the trees, I can’t see all the creatures

I miss so much at night, so much I can not see

Night blindness takes my vision when there is no sun

My other senses take over, my hearing picks up every little sound

My sense of smell breathes in the night, the air so cold & refreshing

My skin picks up the energy, the coldness

In the dark of night outside, I feel calm, I can let my senses take over.

Life complexity.

My life is complicated & very hard for people to get there head around at times. Today is a perfect example of how my life is, & how at times it gets all too much.

My girlfriend & I had an argument last night, this morning we woke up, wrapped our arms around each other & apologised, it was an argument that was unnecessary.

We had breakfast with our daughter, then started to get ready for the day. I was emotional to say the least. My girlfriend is an incredibly understanding woman.

Today I was taking our daughter to visit her Mama my wife. Now this is where people struggle to get there head around it, yes I am married, my wife however has a severe ABI & can not move or talk.

I will always stand by my wife, but my life has moved on as well. We go regularly to see her, I am very involved with her care & well being.

I was emotional over seeing her today, & our daughter struggles seeing her Mama like she is, as we all would.

Visit went quite quickly, & very happily, as happy as we can all be. Our daughter & I make sure we are smiling & happy, we are honest about things, but always happy at the start & end of a visit.

I dropped our daughter off for a sleepover on the way home, & then home for a night with my girlfriend which I need.

Life is complicated, everyone has different complications, it’s important to me, to take time with people, let them talk about their complications, & give them the information & lessons I have learnt in the last four years. It’s an unknown territory for many, to be mid thirties & suddenly your partner is very different.

Wrestling the mind.

I know you struggle inside your head, I see the fight in your eyes

I see how you reject the thought you can be loved

I know how it feels, I struggle with this fight

Some days it seems to get all too much, it becomes a yelling in our heads

When we are both wrestling with our own demons

We try to be there for each other, some days it’s not what we need

Some days what we can give is not enough

Remember the fight I have is as hard as yours

Remember I am here, sometimes a little more faded then others

I know my love, you are the same.

Worthy.

There are times we all feel we are far too unattractive to be wanted

Too ugly inside to be loved by another

Too much baggage for anyone to want to share a life with

This weighs us down, it shows in the way we look

The effort taken when going out suddenly seems so useless

It’s as if suddenly we can see ourselves so clearly

When we start to feel this way, take a minute to understand

Know that this is not how others see you

Take off those glasses that lie, we need to see the truth

We are all worth loving, we all deserve to be wanted

Remember that each of us struggle with this

Self worth is a constant struggle, turn to a loved one

Ask them why you are worth loving, listen & take it in

Then take the effort when going out, remember you are worth it.

Let’s get real – menopause needs to be talked about.

As a teenager my mum told me what to expect from my period, I had education at school on what to expect, my friends all discussed how they were feeling.

We compared symptoms, we all started our first period within about 18 months of each other, we knew it was not going to a fun experience, we knew all sorts of symptoms we could experience.

Now I am at the other end of the journey, Perimenopause. Just like most women I was aware I would start menopause in about my mid fifties, some hot flushes, mood swings, the upside no more periods.

Wrong, oh so wrong, no one told me about Perimenopause. No doctor, no nurse or other medical professional, there were no colourful information sheets at the doctors to tell me I was going to start this mid forties for most women. I was 40 when things started to change.

My question is, why are we not told? To give you an idea, most women experience hair loss, mood swings, hot flushes, anxiety, bloating, weight gain, feelings of self hatred, lack of sex drive & vaginal dryness & the list goes on.

Everyone of course has varying degrees, some symptoms & not others. My mum for instance went through a few hot flushes.

As for me, I thought I was having a mental breakdown, anxiety, depression, real self hate issues, I could not look in the mirror. I would cry for hours on end, vertigo, bloating, water retention so severe I have never experienced anything like it. Some of my jeans would not fit over my ankles.

This is just a light description, I still suffer symptoms, insomnia, self hate comes & goes. The theory behind self hate is that our bodies can not carry a child anymore, in my case I am unable to anyway so it’s odd feeling.

After many doctors visits & research it was clear by my hormone levels this was what was happening. I then discovered I had it easy, seriously? I couldn’t work full time anymore, I could barely function with the brain fog & memory loss some days.

I did find great support through Facebook where there are Perimenopause support groups, other women that get the despair.

The medical support available such as HRT & other alternatives can be great, if you can have them, some women like myself unfortunately can not.

So, if you are reading this, educate yourself, start a conversation with friends, talk to your doctor.

Let’s get real about this, let’s start saying to our governments, this needs to be a conversation, there needs to be education & support around this.

Grief & all that jazz.

Grief is a constant process, I think I am in control then wham, someone or something brings it all to the forefront of my mind.

Often our grief sits at the back, we know it’s there, it’s a constant, but it’s manageable at the back of our minds, it’s not something we have to have right in front of us.

However this is dependent on your grief, for me I do have grief that is constantly right in front of me, the grief for my wife, I have written previously about her condition. She is still alive, but definitely not the same, the grief for the living is different, & I find much harder.

The grief I have for my father, it is there, I miss him terribly, but it’s not right in front of me all the time. There are always reminders, then I will read something or watch something & think dad would love that, then I remember.

It’s confronting at first, I have found I need to feel it, acknowledge the pain I still feel, I most likely will always feel. I was incredibly close to me father, I really am my Father’s Daughter.

I am so similar to my father, this has become much more obvious since he has been gone, when someone says to me you remind me of your father.

To me this is a huge compliment, my father was a very accomplished man, he was a great man, he left a mark where he had been & changed many lives.

This is how I deal with my grief, I remind people of him, that is an honour & something to aspire to, it gives me purpose, instead of dwelling on the pain.

Please, a little quiet.

Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.

Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.

I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.

Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.

A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.

I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.

So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.

Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.

I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.

She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.

Phoenix.

It’s odd isn’t it, we are told not to be too full of ourselves, meaning don’t show too much confidence, then we are told to be confident. People don’t stop & ask you what you are proud of, they ask so many other questions. It’s hard to be proud of ourselves.

I struggle to say anything positive about myself, but one thing I am so proud of, it’s part of me, partly DNA, part personality trait, part self belief no matter how I struggle.

Inner strength. I have faced my share of battles, I have been through things that should not happen to anyone, & I have been through absolute tragedy & heartbreak.

I have found each time I am at that point of feeling like it’s all too much, I get this extra strength, it pushes me forward, it gives me the belief I can do it.

I call it my Phoenix, it’s the fire that lives inside, when I need it, it just comes. I am proud of this, grateful for this, I hope I am showing my daughter how to cope & live a good life, whilst managing when things get really hard.

Short story- Desire.

It was one of those hot summer nights, perfect for staying up all night.

I didn’t want to stay inside all night, I wanted to feel alive, I wanted excitement, I wanted pleasure.

I grabbed my girlfriends hand told her let’s go, we both grinned like teenagers again.

The love I feel for this woman is too wild & true to put into words, she loves me so passionately.

I put my hands on either side of her face, looked into those amazing blue eyes & kissed her deep, let her feel my love & desire.

I pulled away leaving both of us breathless, we ran giddy out the door.

I drove up into the hills, I suddenly knew exactly where to go, to show her beauty like her own, to let her see how beautiful I see her.

The drive was windy, we had the music loud, the windows down, her hand on my leg, our hair was blowing out the windows, it was perfect.

I pulled into the forest & drove down the old road, at the end was a view of the city, with the lights reflected on the bay, with the tall buildings, all the colourful lights on display, it looked like a mirage on the bay.

I parked the car, I went to get a blanket out of the boot, I knew she love to sit & just take it all in, she was having none of that.

She pulled me to the front of the car, she kissed me like she couldn’t get enough, her tongue was silk against my own, her breasts pushed up against my own.

She made sure I knew she wanted me right then, she stood back, taking her top of, slowly undoing her jeans, shimmering them down, putting on a display for me.

Standing in her lingerie, I admired her perfect body, every little bump she hated I loved, I loved the parts of her she hated most, her legs, those long lean legs, she hated them, I only see perfection.

I stood up, she yanked my top off, my bra went with it, before I could kiss her, her lips & hands were all over me, making me feel breathless, she is Aphrodite this woman, she knows exactly what I like, she knows how to touch me.

When she was through I struggled to move, she took off her panties, told me to lie back, she had a look on her face that was clear, pure ecstasy was coming her way.

I knew what she wanted, I laid on my back, she quickly gave me access to her core, the taste her nectar she knows I love, happily giving her the pleasure she wanted, licking & sucking the orgasms out of her, not letting her catch her breath.

When we both regained our breath, the sun was slowly rising over the bay.

It was still warm, it was perfect, I felt alive with joy & happiness. We both looked at each other, no words were needed, we could see the love on each other’s faces.

Take what you need not want.

An awful storm hit us, I say it’s awful but really it was just very windy, rainy & cold. Trees came down across the roads, huge gum trees, we were lucky. Our house is fine, we are ok. Other houses were not so lucky.

That’s the thing with living in a forest area, you know in winter with the storms trees will come down, in summer you have to watch for fires.

When you buy a house in this kind of area, you know that’s part of the deal.

This is what makes me really quite cranky, is when residents start to say the trees need to go. I get it if the tree is on their land, & is right next to their house.

However with the trees on nature strips, at the edge of the forest, no, these do not need to go. The trees were here before the houses, the trees are part of the reason we live in a National park zone.

If you didn’t want to live around trees, why buy in this area? This I simply do not understand. I know it’s cheaper here to buy then the city, the blocks & houses are bigger, the schools are less crowded.

I love that my daughter is growing up here, she can ride her bike on the dirt road, she really appreciates nature, loves that she has a forest at her back door. She loves all the native animals she sees, loves learning about the whole ecosystem.

She gets to see the ecosystem working, she can see all the different ways it works, how the environment recycles everything.

She has learnt we should only take what we need, as this is what she sees the environment doing, she sees how even what is discarded by one animal will be used by another.

This to me is education I could not give her, this is nature giving an education. This is how it should be, learning from the land.

I think we can all learn more from watching different ecosystems at work, how nothing is wasted, everything is recycled & they only take what they need.

Drowning in memories.

People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed

The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time

The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown

The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down

There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you

No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars

They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade

Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are

The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry

I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing

Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip

To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders

To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again

To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.

Power of the unseen dance.

I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to

You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving

I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth

I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move

I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about

You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like

As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.

The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave

I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me

You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me

You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck

You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to

You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off

I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all

As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.

I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again

If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another

I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you

It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours

It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see

The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength

It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.

Birthday today – hide away.

I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.

My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.

It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.

From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.

As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.

The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.

Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.

So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.

My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.

Maybe next year can be a good one?

Curse of the Birthday.

I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.

Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.

This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.

This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.

So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.

I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.

Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.

My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.

Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.

So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.

Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?

Scars on my skin.

The pain of past memories can not be contained

The scars are there for all to see, clearly on my skin

They used me, broke me, & threw me away

They can not take my determination to live life to the full

The journey starts with acknowledging what’s been done

If you hide the memories will find you when you are lying in the dark all alone

I started to heal with writing out what’s inside, if I can write it I can say it

This gave me my some power back to say, I am here, I am going to be strong

I questioned so many things on my journey, this is not easy, yes I have my power & life back

This journey will never end, but I choose to rise above, those three evil beings, will not take my future.

Undervalued.

When you are walking down the street, browsing at the shops

Someone catches your eye, their beauty you have to admire

You know that you are only admiring, you know they would not look your way

Then they smile, you can see the inside is just as beautiful, you keep walking, just a memory in your mind

Until you see them again, you chat, they flirt a little, you think they are a natural flirt, it’s not because of me

What if they are? What if they see your beauty?

I am far from a catch, I am curvier then most, in both directions

I have so much baggage in so many different forms

I am not beautiful or pretty, just average, when this beautiful woman both inside & out so caring & attentive to the ones she looked after

Started flirting with me, I knew this was not because of me

It was to my surprise I was very wrong, I had done what we all do

I had undervalued myself, in my head made myself believe I was really nothing special

Now I know, I do have qualities I should be proud, do not undervalue yourself

Learn to love what others see in you, do not be ashamed of having self love.

Stronger then blood.

My blood contains my DNA, my biology

It flows through me, it replenishes itself

It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential

Your blood my dear does the same

You have litres of this inside you

Your blood & my blood are different

You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology

I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you

I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away

My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent

It is how I love you, guide you, respect you

Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can

Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself

You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother

The bond we have is stronger then blood.

Torture of insomnia.

As I lie here in the dim light

My eyes are hurting, they are so dry

My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm

My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy

My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking

My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair

My mind is the only part of me really on full speed

The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do

I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness

My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained

I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush

I kick the sheet off, the moment I do

There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long

It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds

I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm

This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months

I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.

Hidden bliss.

I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed

The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house

I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose

I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh

The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see

There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up

The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around

The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around

Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.

The secret stage – Perimenopause what are we told?

It seems there is a huge miscommunication between the medical profession & us women. They are all aware of the symptoms of Perimenopause, they are also aware many women can not function even close to what they used to whilst going through it.

Yet there is no real warning of how bad this can be, menopause we are told more about, Perimenopause comes first. I for one had no concept of what could happen or how I could feel, after connecting with hundreds of other women all around the world, all of us were taken by surprise, many of us thinking we were having a breakdown.

Somedays I feel so isolated & alone, other days I feel as if all is ok. I have constant pain, muscle cramps, twitches & severe spasming. Just three days ago, my muscles spasmed so incredibly bad, my body was almost jerking off the bed. If this was a once off I could deal with this ok, however this happens on a fortnightly basis at least, the cramps kick in after, then I am left twitching for a good 24 hours.

Then there is the vertigo that hits without warning at least once every two months, I have never experienced such a sickening & awful feeling, for those that have this all the time, I am astounded at their ability to thrive. After the vertigo, comes the migraine that is always the hang over, this leaves me in bed for at least 6 hours.

There are other things we can not forget, the bloating, the gas, the water retention, the pain all through my body, the constant cracking of bones that never used to happen. The pain of a spine that is put out by the muscle spasms.
I have always had a few allergies, but now they are so extreme, no more favorite foods for me. My anxiety is twice what is should be, the depression has caused severe self hate issues. My brain feels like it is in a constant fog, some days I just can’t seem to make a clear thought.

The tiredness, the fatigue is debilitating, the insomnia means I can very rarely get a good rest. You may be asking yourself what could this be, it sounds like a horrendous condition to me. This is one change in life that is not really talked about, this is called Perimenopause, it’s just before menopause. I happen to have a few severe symptoms which makes life a struggle some days, full time work is now part time.

The issue is, I am lucky, yes you read that right, I have met & spoken to women who are going through this with such severe symptoms they have had to put their lives on hold. Some have ended up in hospital, both for surgery & some because the depression, anxiety &  self hatred become far too much.

No one warns us women how bad this can be, no one seems to mention this at all, but if you google this you will find there is so much information & research available, so why does no one warm women of what is to come, how severe this can get? Why does no one warm the men of the world to look out for the women in their lives, that they will need them to be a shoulder to lean on.

I hope someone finds this if interest to take further, to put art to the issues I have told, I am more then happy to provide more information. This is a topic that needs to be discussed, that should not be hidden away. It is natural for women to go through this, so why can we not talk about it.

Love is imperfect.

Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.

Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.

The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.

So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.

Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.

Banish the sadness.

Those days when emotionally you are on the verge

You know everything is ok, but the tears still want to flow

It’s an awful feeling to have within, to hide the sadness

There is no understanding why the sadness is there

It just appears, takes over, leaving you hollow

These days I wish would never come, I want to ban them from within

If only life was that simple, if only our hormones would stay quiet

As a woman once you reach a certain age

These days become familiar, no matter your predisposition

You will learn to fight, to wrestle your happiness back

Trust those who love you, they will fill you up.

Calm the mind.

I sit down & close my eyes

I focus on the soft sound of the wind

I feel the breeze on my face

I can hear cows in the distance

I can hear no cars or machinery

No ringing phones or tv noise

I can hear the quiet of the mountain top

I can feel the dampness of the grass

I can smell that sweet grass smell

I open my eyes, the view

It stops my breath for a minute

The rolling hills they just seem to go on

They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass

The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill

I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind

I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any

Finally I lie on my back

I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air

I feel at peace, calm, refreshed

I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.

Family curse or blessing?

My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.

Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.

The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.

There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.

This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.

This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.

This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.

At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.

I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.

Reminders of them.

There are moments we can not explain

There are things that happen with no reason

We look for the logic that has to be there

For the rationale to explain it

We even use our imagination to convince ourselves it never happened

Do you remember the last time a photo fell, no reason for this, it was secure in a frame, it could not fall of the wall

The photo was held down to ensure it could not blow away, the last time a family heirloom just appeared, you forgot you had it

There are not happenings you can ignore
These instances can not be explained by logic

There is a energy that exists, along side us as we walk through life

You will sense it every now & then, a familiar smell in the air, a distinctive feeling you had around a loved one

The ones we love who have passed on, they do not leave us here alone

They are here, sometimes they want to remind you of who you are,

Where you have come from, & that they are with you

Next time a photo falls with no reason, or you can smell a familiar scent or get that feeling

Don’t ignore it, open yourself to them, tell them you are ok, tell them you do feel them, you have not forgotten.

The forgotten souls.

He sits on the cold blue stone, an old cardboard box is his only comfort

His hair has been shaved, just a slight covering of short hair to protect his head

If you look close enough, you can see the blue tinge of cold skin

His shoes have holes, he had no socks on, his pants were dirty, the grime of the street had changed the colour from green to brown

His jacket is an old checkered shirt, tears are clear to see

You know when the wind blows he would feel it go through him

His jacket is torn, he tries to pull the jacket together, as he does another rip appears

A woman walks by, quickly her feet go, the sound of her heels getting quicker as she ignores what is right in front of her

She is determined to look straight ahead, pulling her daughter as quick as she can, the look of disgust on her face is clear, no effort is given to hiding this 

The girl looks at him confused, with concern in her eyes, has not been taught to fear him, or presume who & what he must be, he has no doubt the mother will instil this in her to ensure she is not lead astray 

This ignorance he is used to, the presumption of who and what he must be, the way they think he lives his life, the reason he must be homeless & unwashed 

He used to try to engage them in conversation, he doesn’t anymore, he just shakes his head as they walk on by

This was a behaviour he was used to, people found it easier to ignore him then face the failure of a neglectful society 

Too many like him, he thinks to himself have been forgotten, they live at a address unknown, they do not have a place to call home

They do not know where the next meal is coming from, or if they will eat at all

The hardest part he has to witness, is the younger generation appearing on the streets

If men & women like him don’t look out for them, they are prey for those with no morals

He thinks to himself, it would not take much to change a few things, change societies perception of those like him

To understand it is the minority that have addictions, most like him have been left with nothing, due to the failure of society, & a population that does seem to care about the likes of him.

Parents Day.

Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.

For those who have bad times

For those that second guess themselves

For those who doubt themselves

For those who do it alone

For those who have ones with angel wings

For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done

For those that are a chosen parent

For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own

For the grandparents raising another generation

For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances

This is for you, to remind you

You are doing great, you have no manual to follow

You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you

You give unconditional love, you give them such care

For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.

These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did

Happy Parents Day!!!!

Passion to love.

The passion of a new love is all consuming

It’s amazing how long this can last, the fire in your blood when you hear their voice

The way your stomach fills with butterflies when you see their car pull up

You constantly smooth your hair & clothes trying to be discreet

As time moves on you get into a routine, both of your lives changing to accommodate the relationship

Then you notice the passion of new love has gone, but if you are lucky like me

It is replaced with passion you know is real, long lasting passion

You may notice like me that the butterflies come round, not all the time, but quite often they appear

I still put the effort into making sure I look good, I want her to know I do that for her, to make sure she knows she is special

I try to make sure everything is as it should be, sometimes I get this not quite right

When you show her what she means, how much you appreciate & love her body, don’t hold back, make sure she knows you are wanting to please her

When you are done she should be so sated, her legs are jelly & she drifts into a slumber

The effort is there to make it clear, the passion is love, this love is real, I love you for all that you are, never change who you are, you are amazing the way you are.

Pain into beauty.

You hit me with your pain, I turn it into beauty

Do not think I am breakable, I am stronger then you know

When you push me to my limits, as you do every single person

I will not let you bring me down, I will not let you take my inner shine away

I know we are in your hands, as fate, you have many surprises in store

When you think I am about to break, my dear fate

With all the pressure I feel inside, I will turn my pain into diamonds, I will let them shine within.

Never a secret IVF baby.

The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy

I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them

I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together

I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you

The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first

Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him

I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you

As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you

I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret

Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.

Pain interrupted.

Everyday I think of things to tell you

Everyday I know there is no text coming

Everyday I have moments where I feel empty

Everyday I remind myself I am your daughter

Everyday I tell myself how strong you were

Everyday I have a memory of laughter

I know you are saying

I will always be right here

I know may not see me, but I know you feel my presence

I am proud of you remember that

I know you have my strength

I always knew you had intelligence

I can see you are happy

I know this was a battle

It’s ok to grieve, we are all allowed to feel

When it’s time, let them watch you stand back up

Let them watch you flourish again.

Outside myself.

I am in a room of people, I can smell a mixture of cheap perfume, aftershave that has been applied heavily, there is a undertone of body odour from a day in the office

My feet are hurting, damm these heels! I know they look good, but they are not worth the pain, my hair is done up, for a change I decided to tie it up, not so much hair in my face

As I am about to go & find a drink, I notice out of the corner of my eye a woman looking back at me, she has put effort into how she looks, but her hair is messy, not smoothly tied up, & the make up, no there is no make up

I breathe & it hits me, that is me! I forgot make up, my hair is a bit of a mess, my top is a too loose, my pant…. STOP

All of a sudden the anxiety express starts, my breathing starts to increase, there is a layer of sweat on my hands, the room is hot, too hot, my chest, the pain is starting again

I struggle to get out the door, walking into people & spilling drinks, I know everyone is looking, wondering who invited the crazy girl

They will be thinking I look like a mess, no effort put into how I look, they will think I am drunk, the reason I can’t walk straight

I get outside, I sit down & curl my knees up, I know what I have to do now, talk the anxiety back into it’s box

As hard as I try, the anxiety keeps clawing & biting, taking all my strength, until with one last try down it goes, time for me to go, I can make it home

This is the reason I stay at home, I can only go out when I am feeling strong, stronger then anxiety.

Numbness defeated.

As she lay in bed she could feel her body & mind changing, after the last 48 hours she desperately needed this reprieve. It wasn’t that she wasn’t used to her emotions overwhelming her, she just hated the numbness they brought with them.

She often just let this take over, let is the wrong word, she often felt like she had no control over this numbness taking over her, & she hated it, whenever this happened she just walked away from relationships, it was too much.

This time things were different, her partner had taken the time to read about & learn how numbness can be sent packing.

No one else, including herself had ever even given this any time, no one bothered to understand her mental health, but this one, she did, & it changed everything.

There was a way to stop the numbness taking over, & she was not alone, to know so many others struggled with this made her feel more normal, more understood.

This time when her emotions started to take over she didn’t have to fight the numbness, after fighting it several times her mind knew what to do. It was not something she even really had to think about.

Lying in bed the sense of relief is huge, oh she knows there will be times she has to fight it, but not this time.

The love she has for her partner is filling her heart, not the emptiness she is used to after some bad arguments. She wants to cuddle her partner let her know she loves her.

This is new, this is how it should be she thought. She knows she is lucky, she knows this is a moment to remember.

Memories.

Some days it seems like I am just flooded with memories, something starts them off, & they just don’t stop.

It’s a double edged sword having an almost photographic memory. I remember everything people say to me, even the little things that don’t matter. What I love most, I remember every moment of watching my daughter grow.

The other side is I remember all the ugly things from my life. All the moments I want to forget, the moments that you realise you were right about someone, they were not who you thought they were.

It could be something someone said or did, maybe just a smell or a taste. Then one of those memories will start up, playing like a movie in your mind.

Before you know it, you are flooded by memories, the emotions start, you can feel the tears start to build, your chest gets tighter, you start to feel empty, yet there is pain & that feeling of being betrayed. This all happens at once, before you know it, you are wanting to just curl up & go to sleep.

Does anyone else experience this? Or is it just me? Am I the only one that associates smell with memories? I don’t think I could be, as the sense of smell is the most reliable memory, according to experts.

So today, I had a really good day, then I was hit with all of this. For an hour or so I was too overwhelmed to do much about it, then I said no, not today. If this was a PTSD memory I would not have been able to.

So here I sit, starting to feel more me again. I am aware that not everyone can turn their moods around, my father taught me so many things, this was something he taught me, as my mind is like his, it never stops.

You also may have noticed, I love a good filter! 😏