Crestfallen.

Her scars are so well hidden, tied up with a ribbon

They have pushed her to be driven, easy street never a given

She looks at them often, to remind her of what can not be forgotten

Her childhood forsaken, the reality was disillusion, her fate unchosen

She is the very definition of a self made woman thriven

Her scars won’t stop her succession, those in her way are stricken with affliction

She knows how it feels to be a trophy decoration, there for a presentation

Now she loves her chosen, trophy hunters are left crestfallen

Strong, filled with intelligence & passion, her path forward unknown

She will walk it unshaken, knowing she is not forsaken

Untying her ribbon, scars no longer hidden

The path will widen, striden forward together, sun shinin.

My Girl.

To my daughter,
I was so scared when you were born, we had gone through IVF for 5 years, you were much anticipated & wanted.

We had prepared, everything was ready, it had been for over a year. Then six months before you were born, after we had passed the danger period where we had lost three angels, I threw most of it out.

You need things for you, not things we had brought for a hypothetical baby. You were real, I could hear your heart beat, I knew you were going to be a girl.

Then two weeks early, you arrived, screaming to let the world know you had arrived. I was beyond happy, I almost fell over with the sudden rush of love for you. The thing was my dear, I am not your birth mother, that is your Mama, I was petrified you would not bond with me.

That I would not be able to soothe you, that I would never be the one you ran to when you hurt yourself, or were upset or just wanted a hug. There was no biological link. I read so many stories from others, some bonded, some didn’t. What if I was one of the ones that didn’t? Would I be just someone who is around to you? Would you not love me like a mother?

Once we got home your Mama was struggling after a C Section, & a 72 hour stop & start labor, so I did most of your feedings, i would lie you in my arms & give you your milk. After making sure you had no gas, I would sit in the rocking chair & rock you to sleep.

I would just stare at your face, hold your tiny hand & whisper all my fears & hopes. After four weeks I went back to work, night shift at the time. On my first night your Mama called me saying she just could not get you to settle, so I told her to sit in the rocking chair, she tried this, eventually i said put the phone to her ear & rock in the chair.

I started whispering all the things that I wanted for you, after a few minutes your mama whispered that you had fallen asleep. I knew then that I could let go of my fears, I sat at my desk & cried tears of joy & relief. You had bonded to me, you knew I was your Mum, you knew I loved you.

Over the years our bond has grown, our bond is strong, I am your security, your safety, your confidant, the person who makes you laugh.

Thank you my darling daughter for taking my fears away, for showing me it’s the actions that make you are parent, not biology, it’s the love & care given that creates the bond.

I will forever be grateful for the gift of our bond. I love you mostest, Mummy.

Circle of fire – a flashback to my youth.

I sat down on the beach, puts my bag beside me
I was early, I choose to be so I could see the last bit of the sunset
The sky was alive with vivid colours, the most incredible display
The sun dipped below the horizon, darkness started to fall
I heard them coming, talking & laughing, my tribe
I stood up & took out my gear, liquid on, as they appeared I lite them up
There is nothing in this world that takes me away more then this
As I dance, I twirl my stick, watching the fire
I feel free, light & wild, i can feel the heat from the flame
As the flame starts to go out, I can hear my friends cheering me on
I feel apart of a tribe, I feel loved, I feel like a wild child.

Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Honesty.

One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.

It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.

Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.

It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.

When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.

You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.

So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.

It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.

Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.

I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.

As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.

Emotions flooded me this week.

It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.

You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.

So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.

That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.

However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.

I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.

We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.

For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.

Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.

If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.

Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.

The Old Blue Stone Path.

For every woman who doubts themselves like I do. I wrote this for me.

As she looked down she could see the mark of so many feet that had walked the blue stone path before her

As she kept looking she could see how worn & smooth it was, like the water sculpts the rocks

The edges of the stone was still rough, not used as much, they were keeping the stone together, just like it’s backbone, the rougher bit in the middle, feet walked on either side

Yes she thought the stone is old & worn, yet still a beautiful blue, still useful & needed

All of a sudden in her head she had a thought, she had been struggling with feeling useless & old  

She realised yes, she had her worn parts, she had been through a lot, it had all left it’s mark

Her backbone was still strong, she had beauty in her own way if you looked closer, her edges could be rough

She knew she could be a little cranky & reactive at times

But here were these stones, so useful & needed, they were reliable, strong, always there

She understood that she was the same, she was all that these beautiful blue stones are & more.

Own it!!!

I looked in the mirror & sighed, I was all lumps, bumps & boobs. It seemed I had 3 chins & a tired look on my face

The bags underneath my eyes were looking so dark & obvious, there were extra wrinkles around my eyes

I lifted my arm, I swear it wobbled, like a flag of fat blowing in the breeze

My legs were looking like tree trunks, where had my ankles gone?

I had to just stop for a minute, hang on I said to myself, who are you? How strong are you? Are you a survivor?

Hell yes!! I said in my head, I have been through more then most.

Right, said a little voice inside my head, stop with the self depreciation, stop with the negative, the voice was getting louder, you are in control, take back your own self.

I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath, I slowly opened my eyes & looked in the mirror.

Look at you, you are strong, relsiliant. You are caring & loving, you are generous & talented.

So what if you have lumps & bumps, your body is your story.

Own your story.

To reach the summit.

In life it is great to have dreams, to aspire to work towards a goal, to keep yourself focused.

For me, I let my dream go a long time ago, why? It was firmly drilled into me at school, & by others you can make a living from writing, it’s an industry you can not break into.

So instead I have worked jobs I haven’t really loved, continually jumping jobs every 2 – 3 years as I was not pushed, my intelligence & other skills were never really used to the full potential.

To me, it would have cost my mental health more to have a dream job I could never have, never reach, not be relatable to others at all, & definitely not make a living from.

However in other ways it has cost me a lot, my self esteem & self belief have suffered as I knew I was not reaching my full potential.

That frustration is what started EllPoet website, & me having the confidence to show the world my work.

By doing this I put in motion a series of events that has changed my life, given me self belief again, & given me my self esteem back.

I have recently been offered a job to be the Poet in residence, for an organisation aimed at giving young people back control over their lives, & guiding them to be the best they can be.

This is huge for me, a company is going to pay me to write. Write as many poems, short stories, & proses that I want to, & help guide young people with their writing at the same time.

The huge smile on my face has not gone away for 48 hours, this is why we write.

To express ourselves, to encourage others to express themselves, to give an outlet to our frustrations, our emotions good & bad, to let someone know we love them, to write about beauty in all things, grief, loss, wisdom, anything we can make a great piece of art out of.

I am so thankful for this opportunity, also for this community. The writing community is a very supportive community. I will continue to post on here, to keep encouraging others like you have all encouraged me.

Thank you.

Alone

My heart is hurting, that empty pain you feel inside, the feeling of being alone

I can see you, smell you & hear you, you are right there next to me

Your back is to me, I see more of your back then your face recently 

I can’t get near you, your emotions are dimmed, as if a fire has been extinguished 

I have been so happy, I feel like finally good things are happening to me

You never really acknowledged this, you said you were proud, you even had the look of love again for a minute 

There was no hug, no kiss, no trying to celebrate me, sometimes I want to feel special too, I feel defeated 

How is it that you didn’t want to hug or kiss me? 

What have I done to be so left alone?

Surprise gift.

My father passed away in January. We were very close, he was not only my father, he was my mentor, he really helped me control the beast that is bipola.

He was a incredibly smart man, he was a genius, this was clear by the people that sought him out to consult on political campaigns, business in change management, giving talks at businesses, the list could go on.

As a big of a ‘hobby’ he used to help out his friends with their businesses or the project they were working on.

I received a call today from a very close friend of his, Dad was starting to help him rebrand a company, focusing on the mental health of young people.

I excepted it to be a quick hello & checking in with me.

I WAS WRONG!

He quickly proceeded to ask me if I could step into my dads shoes, & help him with the rebranding. I have no experience in this field, however he is a genius, he knows me, he believes I can do it.

So the first challenge is leading to believe in myself. I just need to get past the shock of being asked to do this, & feeling overwhelmingly humbled.

Me.

As I look back over the past 18 months, so much has changed.

I am a very social soul by nature, however I have always been more comfortable on the other end of the phone, or having a few friends at home.

For me, who had been thrust into being a single mum due to tragic circumstances 18 months before, being at home was somewhat a welcome break. I could just be at home, work at home, everything!

Of course I felt lonely, I had become accustomed to that feeling.

Most people have said how much their relationship suffered, how being together all the time was an eye opener. I did not envy them, until a beautiful woman knocked me down.

We met in unusual circumstances, during a pandemic there is no other way to meet, we had met briefly before, she knew my story well.

We were talking when I was visiting my wife, in the facility she now lives, unable to move or talk, all of that was taken in a flash. This woman was saying, like so many others, she could not get basic food.

I explained that I had enough to share of the basics she might need, she quickly accepted my offer, we exchanged details, she said she would be over after work.

She came at 4pm & left at 3am. We kept talking online, when she asked if I had considered a relationship again.

That was that, here we are, blissfully happy, she knows she shares me with another, it is a unique situation.

Unique in so many ways, both of us have bipola, I have PTSD & anxiety. This could be complicated, which is why communication & always working on our relationship is the way we make sure we are ok.

I somehow found happiness again, during the darkest of times for society.

One of those nights.

 

It has been one of those bipola nights, unable to sleep, feeling overly emotional about everything. Feeling like everything is my fault.

For my partner who is great, my emotions can be too much at times, she will mention one little issue that is nothing in the scheme of things, & I will break down in tears.

Now I know this is also the perimenopause, however bipola is the biggest culprit. It doesn’t just stop at being emotional, my mind will not rest, flashing before my eyes is every way things could go wrong, & I will be heartbroken again.

Now I know in reality this is unlikely, as we all know, relationships sometimes fall apart. We are very much a couple in love, with respect & understanding.

However my mind is trying to convince me otherwise. In response to that along comes the sobbing, then anxiety, then the feeling of darkness. I know I have to control this.

For me there are a few ways I can control this, let myself have a good cry, have a sob, let it out! I can tell myself to get it together, distract my mind with something engaging, however this approach is flawed, our minds can outsmart us. So I have decided at 6:45am, I am going to go & snuggle up to my partner, she will wrap me in her arms, & I will feel loved.

For the moment that is enough. I know it will calm the storm, after some rest, my energy will return, & I can tackle the beast of bipola again.

Resilience of a child’s heart.

As I sit here on my deck, seeing the trees dance in the wind, the branches every now & then make a creaking sound

The grass is green, it’s just been mowed, the smell of freshly mowed grass lingers in the air

I can hear the native birds flying above, playing in the sky, like tiny kites that dip & flow at will, calling to each other as they soar effortlessly

I reach for my coffee, I can smell the divine scent, the first taste is bliss, it lingers on my tongue, the bitterness I can taste then the sweetness of sugar, finally the creaminess of milk that makes my coffee perfect

Days like this I feel whole, I feel light, there is happiness within me, there is no effort to notice the beauty all around me, my senses are picking up every bit

This is not an everyday occurrence, not for one that struggles with demons in my head, the ones that dull your senses to make it seem the world is dark & lonely

On days like today, I take the extra time, to notice the beauty that is there everyday all around me, not to ignore the little things, as I notice a small finch flying in the white roses, rainbow colours streak as they dart

I am grateful for a day of colour, a day without the heaviness of darkness inside, no weight to pull me down, nothing to make me feel even moving is too much

Just as I am about to have another drink, my hand is almost at the handle of my favourite mug

I hear the happiest sound, running feet & a excited Mummy! School has finished, here come my constant sunshine

The smile on her 10 year old face is full of happiness & love, she runs for a cuddle

I can smell she has been active today, I can feel the softness of her hair as I kiss the top of her head

I know she has been through more loss & heartbreak then many adults can handle, yet there she is as happy as can be

Her hug is as tight as she can make it, she & I love our tight hugs, when you have been through so much together, a hug becomes more of a reminder all is ok

The hug is so fleeting as she has others to greet, she runs off too find her bonus mum, a woman that changed our lives, a small black fluffy dog is her constant companion, running to keep up with her excited steps

I remind myself not to take for granted days like today, it is so easy to not take the time to let my senses take over, I know that I need to notice the joy all around me

Tomorrow may be the same, it could be better

Or it could dump me down into the black hole of despair again.

Anticipation.

I wait in anticipation for you to talk through the door, I have brushed my hair, I have changed my clothes

My heart is beating a little faster, without realising it a smile is on my face, I feel light, my stomach is all fluttery

Then I hear your car, I hear the music & can imagine how you look, I love the way you bop your head, you move as much as you can

Your sunglasses will be on, you look like a dream in those glasses, all long blonde hair, beautiful face, long legs that I love

I wait for you to walk in the door, sometimes you wait for a while before coming in

Then as you walk up to the back door, you take my breath away again, not just your beauty that is plain to see, but the light that shines within 

I try to act casual, it’s been over a year together, but inside I am a bundle of nerves wanting to be in your arms 

When you look at me, I can see you feel just like I do, as I hug you I hear you sigh, you let go of the stress of the day, you know you are home, you can let go.

The scars of trauma.

As hard as I try to lay my head down to sleep, the pictures inside my head refuse to cease

The pain & fear I felt then, is filling my body & soul again, the smells are coming back to haunt me

I can feel the iron grip of my biggest foe, the anxiety that I always keep just below my skin, it’s a beast inside that scratches & bites to come out

I always thought this would be my life, who wants to love a damaged soul, a person with scarred skin, & a soul that I am sure has a black mark end to end

Then you knocked on my door, you were respectful & gave me time, as is without a word you understood, you saw I had so much pain inside, I had no belief I could be loved

When I finally gave in, I finally found my safe haven to aid my sleep, not only to keep the beast at bay, but when the nightmares kicked in, you were there softly bringing me back

It was not easy, I fought to accept you could love someone as damaged as me

I tried to hide my scars, the physical scars are not so easy to hide away, they are there for all to see, to me they are all I see

You wouldn’t have this, you told me time & time again, you loved me scars & all, you made it clear to you the scars on me were just another piece of my map

You told me, they are just apart of you, they are not who you are, you are more then that, you are so much more that you realise

When I finally let that sink in, I gave myself permission to be loved

To be happy within, to trust another soul, to finally let down my walls, to give myself permission to be happy & loved.

Ellpoet is a page of unexpected poetry about love, life, bi pola & PTSD.

I have bi pola & PTSD, both of these I write about, to help me cope & share experiences.

The beautiful demise.

The beautiful blonde walked out the door ignoring the eyes on her
She knew they were there but only cared about one set watching her
She could feel the eyes watching her & felt a little more special 
She knew it wasn’t just because of her beauty or swagger
It what was inside that was loved the most 
The scars, bruises & marks she knew all to well
She knew these were loved no matter how much she despises them
Remember she says to herself, that I am special & loved
I am the one written about 
I am enough.