To Jemima – My Girl

Look at you, not a girl anymore, not quite a woman

Beautiful in your dress, hair all done up, wearing your first pair of heels

Full of nerves for your first school dance, butterflies dancing in your stomach

I can see the little girl you were, I now can imagine the woman you will be

Memories dash across my mind, your strong cry as you were born, your eye’s scrunched closed

Holding you as tears of joy fell down my cheeks, you were finally here

Watching your face as your eyes opened, watching you slowly quite down

As the months went by, watching you as you grew, ready to catch you if you fell

At nine months you had a look of determination, you grabbed hold of my hands

Once you were standing you let go & walked across the room, you suddenly fell

I was there, I caught you, you looked up at me & smiled as if you knew I would always be there

I will let you walk your own path my girl, I will be right here

I will cheer you on, I will comfort you, I will always catch you if you fall, I will always help you back up

To let you keep walking your own path, in your way, to your own beat

I watch as you walk into the dance, a huge smile on your face, i smile to myself

Despite the trauma we have faced, you are confident, self assured, happy & determined

For this I am beyond thankful.

Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

Crestfallen.

Her scars are so well hidden, tied up with a ribbon

They have pushed her to be driven, easy street never a given

She looks at them often, to remind her of what can not be forgotten

Her childhood forsaken, the reality was disillusion, her fate unchosen

She is the very definition of a self made woman thriven

Her scars won’t stop her succession, those in her way are stricken with affliction

She knows how it feels to be a trophy decoration, there for a presentation

Now she loves her chosen, trophy hunters are left crestfallen

Strong, filled with intelligence & passion, her path forward unknown

She will walk it unshaken, knowing she is not forsaken

Untying her ribbon, scars no longer hidden

The path will widen, striden forward together, sun shinin.

My Girl.

To my daughter,
I was so scared when you were born, we had gone through IVF for 5 years, you were much anticipated & wanted.

We had prepared, everything was ready, it had been for over a year. Then six months before you were born, after we had passed the danger period where we had lost three angels, I threw most of it out.

You need things for you, not things we had brought for a hypothetical baby. You were real, I could hear your heart beat, I knew you were going to be a girl.

Then two weeks early, you arrived, screaming to let the world know you had arrived. I was beyond happy, I almost fell over with the sudden rush of love for you. The thing was my dear, I am not your birth mother, that is your Mama, I was petrified you would not bond with me.

That I would not be able to soothe you, that I would never be the one you ran to when you hurt yourself, or were upset or just wanted a hug. There was no biological link. I read so many stories from others, some bonded, some didn’t. What if I was one of the ones that didn’t? Would I be just someone who is around to you? Would you not love me like a mother?

Once we got home your Mama was struggling after a C Section, & a 72 hour stop & start labor, so I did most of your feedings, i would lie you in my arms & give you your milk. After making sure you had no gas, I would sit in the rocking chair & rock you to sleep.

I would just stare at your face, hold your tiny hand & whisper all my fears & hopes. After four weeks I went back to work, night shift at the time. On my first night your Mama called me saying she just could not get you to settle, so I told her to sit in the rocking chair, she tried this, eventually i said put the phone to her ear & rock in the chair.

I started whispering all the things that I wanted for you, after a few minutes your mama whispered that you had fallen asleep. I knew then that I could let go of my fears, I sat at my desk & cried tears of joy & relief. You had bonded to me, you knew I was your Mum, you knew I loved you.

Over the years our bond has grown, our bond is strong, I am your security, your safety, your confidant, the person who makes you laugh.

Thank you my darling daughter for taking my fears away, for showing me it’s the actions that make you are parent, not biology, it’s the love & care given that creates the bond.

I will forever be grateful for the gift of our bond. I love you mostest, Mummy.

Valentines inclusion.

Valentine’s Day never used to be huge in Australia, however over the years it has increased in popularity, now it is just expected that all couples celebrate Valentine’s.

For me, I don’t, it is far too commercial, & if my girlfriend would like to do something for me or give me something, I would much prefer that she do this spontaneously. I love it when she surprises me out of the blue.

However for others on Valentine’s Day there is not a lot available for some, there is limited availability for someone who identifies as non binary. There are cards & gifts on Etsy & RedBubble along with gomag.

There are not many poems or love songs. To me this didn’t seem fair, they have gone through so much to figure out who they are, there should be love poetry & songs, gifts & cards out here.

So I decided to do something about it, I wrote a love poem called They & Her. I then sent this to Ryan Cassata who has published me before on a music, poetry blog he is a part of called Rock the Pigeon.

Ryan quickly respond & published my poem. I am so grateful for this, & I hope in some way this makes a small difference.

To read the poem please go to https://rockthepigeon.com/2022/02/08/they-her-by-ellysa-greenhalgh-poetry/

Comfy at home.

I don’t know about you, but I am over hearing people complain about COVID! The way our lives have been restricted, changed, challenged in every way. For those not in Australia, Melbourne since March 2020 we have spent 260 days in lockdown. Often separated from family that live 30kms away for months. yes it is hard.

I know this was all necessary, I know that the government saved many lives by doing this. I know that our healthcare has been able to manage because of these restrictions. That now have finished if you are fully vaccinated, which I am, so is my partner.

Any plans we had, canceled!! My partner works in healthcare, & luck would have it, restrictions are lifted & her workplace has an outbreak. Nearly all the residents & staff are vaccinated, those infected are showing no symptoms due to the vaccine. Those who medically can not be vaccinated are struggling.

When I was first told COVID is more contagious then a cold I could not imagine it. I can now, it flies around, literally it spreads like wildfire. The way it has spread so quickly is astonishing, on day three there were 7 positive, day four 19 positive. I know many who really like me could not fathom something spreading so fast.

So now, we are in somewhat of a lockdown, partner goes to work & home, no where else. I limit where I go, our daughter to school, grandparents & home. We are still locked up in our comfy house. Together, as a family supporting each other.

We are lucky, we are safe. Our daughter is not old enough to be vaccinated, so we are careful, antibacterial wipes & masks on hand always. Lockdown is not so bad, being healthy, happy & together. I will take that any day over sickness. Once this outbreak is over, we can go out more. We can rejoin society. For the moment I know I am blessed.

Striking beauty.

I was tired, I lay down for a bit, reenergise my tired body

You came in after cutting the wood, wet & cold from the rain

You looked at me curled up in bed, my eyes were closed

I heard you open the shower door, you stood in the bathroom doorway

You started to remove your clothes, very slowly

Your jumper came off, soaking wet, your tee shirt clung to your body

You had no bra on, your breasts were clear for me to see

I loved looking at the perfect round shape, seeing the outline of your nipples

Your jeans looked as if they were sprayed on, clinging to every bit of your long legs

You slowly pushed them down, keeping your legs straight so your body looked like pure seduction

You took them off your feet & stood up straight, taking your hair out & letting it flow down your back

You turned & looked at me, completely naked, strikingly beautiful

Your whole body was a work of art, you ran your hand down your chest

You smiled a wicked smile & walked into the shower, making sure to swing your hips.

Scars on my soul.

The bird was laying on the ground, it was breathing, ready to give up

I scooped it up, it’s wing was broken, it’s leg was cut, the little bird put up no fight

I could imagine how it’s feeling, full of pain from the break, cuts & bruises

Full of despair, no hope left in its eyes, it’s spirit broken

I chock back tears, I can feel everything the sweet bird is feeling

I can feel the pain, trauma & despair

It is no bird, it’s my spirit I hold, broken from all I have been through

Not today I say, I want to give in, the desire to just let go is so strong

Not today, I pull myself back from the edge, I force myself to take some deep breaths

Not today I repeat, I force myself to feel something else

I can feel the despair ease, I can see a glimmer of hope

I grab on, I force myself towards the light, I stand up

I can do this, I tell myself, you can get through this

I slowly let the hope fill me up, I open my eyes, I am still here

My spirit is slowly healing, there will be a scar, a scar to say I can

To remind me I am still standing.