Well, my life is very different, it has taken me awhile to adjust, & to be honest talk about it all.
Last year was awful in so many ways, however I don’t remember most of it.
After going through some counselling & medical assistance it’s become clear that I had a breakdown. Everything over the last four years finally caught up to me.
This is the thing, I never really dealt with what happened to my wife, Kate. I just kept going, just didn’t really think to deeply about it. It was too much, too sad, too heartbreaking.
That was four years ago, then two years ago my father died. This was the catalyst for my mind to start breaking.
I was very close to my father, he got me, he understood my mind, he understood how mental health is a beast to live with. Bi Pola, Anxiety & PTSD none of them are a walk in the park, that is for damm sure!
Dad gave me ways to cope, to help me live with it all, to really embrace they are just a part of me, they do not define me, nor should I not live a great life because of them. He knew my mind was different from a young age, he encouraged me to write poetry, to channel my emotions. This made a word of difference.
Back to the current situation, after Dad passed, I was in a world of never ending grief for about a month before it started to lift.
I realise now since then I avoided so many issues, not just my own, everyday household management, bills, anything negative. I just ignored anything I thought was a negative.
Then in November 2021 things get hazy, until about February, then it’s dark, no memory until November.
I was a different person during this time I have learnt, I was very uncaring & manipulative, not affectionate, argumentative. All these things are not me.
Everyone thought I was just struggling, I would get it together in the end. Somehow I just kept going, I was sleeping a lot according to my daughter.
Now I am slowly trying to put the pieces together. My girlfriend & I broke up during this time, however I have no memory of this at all. To say I am heartbroken would be an understatement.
Knowing I let her down, I wasn’t there like I should have been for Kate, & Jemima. My beautiful girl, she didn’t like this new Mum, she felt alone.
I have a road ahead, I also need to learn to forgive myself. I need to heal.
We all have challenges in life, we all go through good & bad times. We all need to be kind to ourselves, & we all need to be self aware. They are my challenges this year.