Scars on my soul.

The bird was laying on the ground, it was breathing, ready to give up

I scooped it up, it’s wing was broken, it’s leg was cut, the little bird put up no fight

I could imagine how it’s feeling, full of pain from the break, cuts & bruises

Full of despair, no hope left in its eyes, it’s spirit broken

I chock back tears, I can feel everything the sweet bird is feeling

I can feel the pain, trauma & despair

It is no bird, it’s my spirit I hold, broken from all I have been through

Not today I say, I want to give in, the desire to just let go is so strong

Not today, I pull myself back from the edge, I force myself to take some deep breaths

Not today I repeat, I force myself to feel something else

I can feel the despair ease, I can see a glimmer of hope

I grab on, I force myself towards the light, I stand up

I can do this, I tell myself, you can get through this

I slowly let the hope fill me up, I open my eyes, I am still here

My spirit is slowly healing, there will be a scar, a scar to say I can

To remind me I am still standing.


Black Beauty Of A Day.

Some days it just seems like everything is not right, off kilter. I know in my mind this is part mental health, part PTSD, part lack of sleep. It’s a battle to get your mind to accept this.

To me, this does not make sense, so our mind is giving us the reason why we feel the way we do, yet the same mind is also making us feel so awful.

For those that don’t suffer from mental health, it feels like this: imagine arguing with one of those people that will not change what they are saying, or who they are saying it. They know they are right, you will not convince them otherwise. Eventually you end up yelling or walking away. What if you can’t?

What if you are stuck arguing with this person, you can’t leave, you can’t stop them, all you can do is try to ignore the constant noise, & argue or reason with them.

Sounds fun doesn’t it? I really struggle with the argument, as I am sure I can win, I do a lot. I come up with an argument that can’t loose.

Then at other times, I loose, I loose so badly the world seems to swallow me. Today is a day that I am not losing, we are about even. I am well aware I am mentally & physically exhausted, my arguments are lacking, I can see the hole starting to open.

Then my day suddenly changed, in the best way! My partner arrived home from work, she presented me with a stunning pair of black diamond earrings. I have always wanted a pair, I love them, they are perfect!

So I have the trump argument for today. The other one arguing with me suddenly goes silent. I am worth it, I am loved, I mean something to someone. Most of all, someone who I adore, adores me.

Windows to the soul.

I look into your eyes I see all that you are

I see the kindness, love & care you give to the elderly, it’s not just a job the care you give

I see the knowledge of what is coming, your intuition calling you

I see the hesitation to trust another, to trust you will not be left broken again

I see the desire to be loved for who you are, not who they could change you to be

I see your pain, the years of being left to fend for yourself, you were just a child

I see the strength of you, the absolute pillar you are to stand on your own two feet

I see how you fight the need inside to relay on another

I see your love, your love for me, the pure force of love that you did not expect

I see your trust, your trust that I will not leave you broken, I will love you for who you are

I see you finally reaching peace & understanding that you are no longer alone

I see you close your eyes & sigh in contentment, you have found where you belong.

The Old Blue Stone Path.

For every woman who doubts themselves like I do. I wrote this for me.

As she looked down she could see the mark of so many feet that had walked the blue stone path before her

As she kept looking she could see how worn & smooth it was, like the water sculpts the rocks

The edges of the stone was still rough, not used as much, they were keeping the stone together, just like it’s backbone, the rougher bit in the middle, feet walked on either side

Yes she thought the stone is old & worn, yet still a beautiful blue, still useful & needed

All of a sudden in her head she had a thought, she had been struggling with feeling useless & old  

She realised yes, she had her worn parts, she had been through a lot, it had all left it’s mark

Her backbone was still strong, she had beauty in her own way if you looked closer, her edges could be rough

She knew she could be a little cranky & reactive at times

But here were these stones, so useful & needed, they were reliable, strong, always there

She understood that she was the same, she was all that these beautiful blue stones are & more.

To reach the summit.

In life it is great to have dreams, to aspire to work towards a goal, to keep yourself focused.

For me, I let my dream go a long time ago, why? It was firmly drilled into me at school, & by others you can make a living from writing, it’s an industry you can not break into.

So instead I have worked jobs I haven’t really loved, continually jumping jobs every 2 – 3 years as I was not pushed, my intelligence & other skills were never really used to the full potential.

To me, it would have cost my mental health more to have a dream job I could never have, never reach, not be relatable to others at all, & definitely not make a living from.

However in other ways it has cost me a lot, my self esteem & self belief have suffered as I knew I was not reaching my full potential.

That frustration is what started EllPoet website, & me having the confidence to show the world my work.

By doing this I put in motion a series of events that has changed my life, given me self belief again, & given me my self esteem back.

I have recently been offered a job to be the Poet in residence, for an organisation aimed at giving young people back control over their lives, & guiding them to be the best they can be.

This is huge for me, a company is going to pay me to write. Write as many poems, short stories, & proses that I want to, & help guide young people with their writing at the same time.

The huge smile on my face has not gone away for 48 hours, this is why we write.

To express ourselves, to encourage others to express themselves, to give an outlet to our frustrations, our emotions good & bad, to let someone know we love them, to write about beauty in all things, grief, loss, wisdom, anything we can make a great piece of art out of.

I am so thankful for this opportunity, also for this community. The writing community is a very supportive community. I will continue to post on here, to keep encouraging others like you have all encouraged me.

Thank you.

There is a time to grieve.

For Mum. Thank you for your endless love & care.

Her light blonde hair lightly brushes her shoulders as she walks up the hallway, freshly brushed & a fresh coat of lipstick is all she needs to do

Naturally beautiful she does not need the make up others wear, she is not aware of how people take notice 

Her husband is, she smiles to herself, she knows he does not tolerate others looking at her, he has somewhat mellowed over the years

The fighting nature he had at university has turned into a fighting nature in the boardroom 

As she walks up the hallway she can smell the familiar scent of pipe tobacco in the air

This is a comforting smell, all though this is comforting it also makes her sneeze

She walks into the dining room, lightly smoothing her hair, she looks to the right, across the bar to a man with short wavy black hair

As he looks up at her, she can feel her eyes start to twinkle & then fill with love

As she looks into his eyes, she watches as his do the same, & then that final look of disbelief she married him

She knows he adores her, loves her unconditionally, as she does him, yes he can be hard to deal with at times, he can be happy irrational & quick to anger at other times 

But he does calm down quickly, he knows he can be irrational, his mind is always going so quick she thinks, no wonder he gets wound up

She can see he is starting to relax, finally starting to let go of the day he had, full of meetings & negotiations, fighting in the boardroom 

She hates to disturb him, but he is rarely home at this hour, not in time to put the kids the bed

The kids love to see him before sleep, love to run & cuddle up to the big teddy bear of a man they call Dad

Their daughter has been known to fly into his arms with excitement when he gets home, she is an emotional one she thinks to herself, very emotional like him.

She softly says that it’s time for the kids to go to bed, gently asking him to come & say goodnight, he gives her a slight smile & nods

She knows he will come, he rarely says no to her, & the children, well he would not deny them this time with him

As she walks away, she takes in the sound of ice swirling in a glass, knowing there will be scotch in the glass

She knew the children were his pride & joy, he loved their children, they were both so proud of their intelligent, chatty children, opposites of each other, yet similar in so many ways

She knows that in a few years, these children will be far too grown up, she wants to enjoy the time they have together now

Years later, she looks at an empty scotch glass sitting on the shelf, she hears the ice tinkling around, the smell of scotch & tobacco 

The memories of a life well lived come flooding back, she thinks of him, she can see him standing up against the wall of the balcony 

Their grown children, one on either side of him, their daughter wrapping her arm around him to keep him warm

His son on the other side, shifting closer without being aware, to share a little more body heat with this man they both admire

She thinks to herself, he was right about the children, the daughter has a mind that is very different, & emotions that can run out of control, she is her father’s daughter 

Their son is more like her, more practical & calm, he thinks things through, he is also intelligent like his father 

She can feel his warmth surround her, can feel the love he has for her, she knows she gave him the greatest gift she could 

Others thought it was too much, but not to her, not for him, to keep him at home, comfortable & surrounded by her love & care until his last week 

This is what he wanted, after 50 years of marriage, she wanted to be by his side, she can grieve the loss after, & she wants to be there for this precious time

She is comforted by the knowledge he is at peace, & out of pain, takes comfort in the knowledge he is with the god they believe in.

She knows he lived a rich & happy life, she knows that he was at peace in the end, at peace with moving on.

If only we could let it go.

If we were made of water, our tides would come & go

The rips would change day to day, never knowing where to next

We would always be together, shaping rocks as we crash into them

Shaping the cliffs out of our emotions 

We would just crash up against each other in the waves 

Knowing that once we have let it out, the storm will pass us by

The sand will come & go, always changing with the storms

The bottom is scared by all the storms that have since passed 

Water is so unpredictable, you never know when a whirlpool will appear

The only thing you know for sure, water will always change

Water will always be connected, always riding out the storm.

Ellpoet is a page of unexpected poetry about love, life, bi pola & PTSD.

I have bi pola & PTSD, both of these I write about, to help me cope & share experiences.

The beautiful demise.

The beautiful blonde walked out the door ignoring the eyes on her
She knew they were there but only cared about one set watching her
She could feel the eyes watching her & felt a little more special 
She knew it wasn’t just because of her beauty or swagger
It what was inside that was loved the most 
The scars, bruises & marks she knew all to well
She knew these were loved no matter how much she despises them
Remember she says to herself, that I am special & loved
I am the one written about 
I am enough.