Just another Bella – a song.

I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains

Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane

At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane

Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us

I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle

I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,

You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me

You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane

I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun

Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion

Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen

We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

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In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Let’s get real – menopause needs to be talked about.

As a teenager my mum told me what to expect from my period, I had education at school on what to expect, my friends all discussed how they were feeling.

We compared symptoms, we all started our first period within about 18 months of each other, we knew it was not going to a fun experience, we knew all sorts of symptoms we could experience.

Now I am at the other end of the journey, Perimenopause. Just like most women I was aware I would start menopause in about my mid fifties, some hot flushes, mood swings, the upside no more periods.

Wrong, oh so wrong, no one told me about Perimenopause. No doctor, no nurse or other medical professional, there were no colourful information sheets at the doctors to tell me I was going to start this mid forties for most women. I was 40 when things started to change.

My question is, why are we not told? To give you an idea, most women experience hair loss, mood swings, hot flushes, anxiety, bloating, weight gain, feelings of self hatred, lack of sex drive & vaginal dryness & the list goes on.

Everyone of course has varying degrees, some symptoms & not others. My mum for instance went through a few hot flushes.

As for me, I thought I was having a mental breakdown, anxiety, depression, real self hate issues, I could not look in the mirror. I would cry for hours on end, vertigo, bloating, water retention so severe I have never experienced anything like it. Some of my jeans would not fit over my ankles.

This is just a light description, I still suffer symptoms, insomnia, self hate comes & goes. The theory behind self hate is that our bodies can not carry a child anymore, in my case I am unable to anyway so it’s odd feeling.

After many doctors visits & research it was clear by my hormone levels this was what was happening. I then discovered I had it easy, seriously? I couldn’t work full time anymore, I could barely function with the brain fog & memory loss some days.

I did find great support through Facebook where there are Perimenopause support groups, other women that get the despair.

The medical support available such as HRT & other alternatives can be great, if you can have them, some women like myself unfortunately can not.

So, if you are reading this, educate yourself, start a conversation with friends, talk to your doctor.

Let’s get real about this, let’s start saying to our governments, this needs to be a conversation, there needs to be education & support around this.

Please, a little quiet.

Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.

Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.

I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.

Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.

A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.

I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.

So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.

Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.

I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.

She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.

Short story- Desire.

It was one of those hot summer nights, perfect for staying up all night.

I didn’t want to stay inside all night, I wanted to feel alive, I wanted excitement, I wanted pleasure.

I grabbed my girlfriends hand told her let’s go, we both grinned like teenagers again.

The love I feel for this woman is too wild & true to put into words, she loves me so passionately.

I put my hands on either side of her face, looked into those amazing blue eyes & kissed her deep, let her feel my love & desire.

I pulled away leaving both of us breathless, we ran giddy out the door.

I drove up into the hills, I suddenly knew exactly where to go, to show her beauty like her own, to let her see how beautiful I see her.

The drive was windy, we had the music loud, the windows down, her hand on my leg, our hair was blowing out the windows, it was perfect.

I pulled into the forest & drove down the old road, at the end was a view of the city, with the lights reflected on the bay, with the tall buildings, all the colourful lights on display, it looked like a mirage on the bay.

I parked the car, I went to get a blanket out of the boot, I knew she love to sit & just take it all in, she was having none of that.

She pulled me to the front of the car, she kissed me like she couldn’t get enough, her tongue was silk against my own, her breasts pushed up against my own.

She made sure I knew she wanted me right then, she stood back, taking her top of, slowly undoing her jeans, shimmering them down, putting on a display for me.

Standing in her lingerie, I admired her perfect body, every little bump she hated I loved, I loved the parts of her she hated most, her legs, those long lean legs, she hated them, I only see perfection.

I stood up, she yanked my top off, my bra went with it, before I could kiss her, her lips & hands were all over me, making me feel breathless, she is Aphrodite this woman, she knows exactly what I like, she knows how to touch me.

When she was through I struggled to move, she took off her panties, told me to lie back, she had a look on her face that was clear, pure ecstasy was coming her way.

I knew what she wanted, I laid on my back, she quickly gave me access to her core, the taste her nectar she knows I love, happily giving her the pleasure she wanted, licking & sucking the orgasms out of her, not letting her catch her breath.

When we both regained our breath, the sun was slowly rising over the bay.

It was still warm, it was perfect, I felt alive with joy & happiness. We both looked at each other, no words were needed, we could see the love on each other’s faces.

Drowning in memories.

People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed

The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time

The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown

The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down

There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you

No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars

They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade

Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are

The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry

I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing

Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip

To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders

To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again

To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.

Power of the unseen dance.

I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to

You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving

I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth

I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move

I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about

You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like

As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.

The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave

I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me

You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me

You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck

You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to

You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off

I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all

As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.

I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again

If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another

I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you

It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours

It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see

The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength

It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.

Birthday today – hide away.

I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.

My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.

It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.

From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.

As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.

The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.

Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.

So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.

My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.

Maybe next year can be a good one?

Curse of the Birthday.

I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.

Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.

This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.

This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.

So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.

I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.

Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.

My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.

Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.

So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.

Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?

Scars on my skin.

The pain of past memories can not be contained

The scars are there for all to see, clearly on my skin

They used me, broke me, & threw me away

They can not take my determination to live life to the full

The journey starts with acknowledging what’s been done

If you hide the memories will find you when you are lying in the dark all alone

I started to heal with writing out what’s inside, if I can write it I can say it

This gave me my some power back to say, I am here, I am going to be strong

I questioned so many things on my journey, this is not easy, yes I have my power & life back

This journey will never end, but I choose to rise above, those three evil beings, will not take my future.

Undervalued.

When you are walking down the street, browsing at the shops

Someone catches your eye, their beauty you have to admire

You know that you are only admiring, you know they would not look your way

Then they smile, you can see the inside is just as beautiful, you keep walking, just a memory in your mind

Until you see them again, you chat, they flirt a little, you think they are a natural flirt, it’s not because of me

What if they are? What if they see your beauty?

I am far from a catch, I am curvier then most, in both directions

I have so much baggage in so many different forms

I am not beautiful or pretty, just average, when this beautiful woman both inside & out so caring & attentive to the ones she looked after

Started flirting with me, I knew this was not because of me

It was to my surprise I was very wrong, I had done what we all do

I had undervalued myself, in my head made myself believe I was really nothing special

Now I know, I do have qualities I should be proud, do not undervalue yourself

Learn to love what others see in you, do not be ashamed of having self love.

Stronger then blood.

My blood contains my DNA, my biology

It flows through me, it replenishes itself

It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential

Your blood my dear does the same

You have litres of this inside you

Your blood & my blood are different

You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology

I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you

I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away

My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent

It is how I love you, guide you, respect you

Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can

Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself

You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother

The bond we have is stronger then blood.

Torture of insomnia.

As I lie here in the dim light

My eyes are hurting, they are so dry

My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm

My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy

My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking

My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair

My mind is the only part of me really on full speed

The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do

I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness

My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained

I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush

I kick the sheet off, the moment I do

There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long

It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds

I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm

This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months

I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.

Hidden bliss.

I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed

The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house

I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose

I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh

The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see

There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up

The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around

The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around

Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.

The secret stage – Perimenopause what are we told?

It seems there is a huge miscommunication between the medical profession & us women. They are all aware of the symptoms of Perimenopause, they are also aware many women can not function even close to what they used to whilst going through it.

Yet there is no real warning of how bad this can be, menopause we are told more about, Perimenopause comes first. I for one had no concept of what could happen or how I could feel, after connecting with hundreds of other women all around the world, all of us were taken by surprise, many of us thinking we were having a breakdown.

Somedays I feel so isolated & alone, other days I feel as if all is ok. I have constant pain, muscle cramps, twitches & severe spasming. Just three days ago, my muscles spasmed so incredibly bad, my body was almost jerking off the bed. If this was a once off I could deal with this ok, however this happens on a fortnightly basis at least, the cramps kick in after, then I am left twitching for a good 24 hours.

Then there is the vertigo that hits without warning at least once every two months, I have never experienced such a sickening & awful feeling, for those that have this all the time, I am astounded at their ability to thrive. After the vertigo, comes the migraine that is always the hang over, this leaves me in bed for at least 6 hours.

There are other things we can not forget, the bloating, the gas, the water retention, the pain all through my body, the constant cracking of bones that never used to happen. The pain of a spine that is put out by the muscle spasms.
I have always had a few allergies, but now they are so extreme, no more favorite foods for me. My anxiety is twice what is should be, the depression has caused severe self hate issues. My brain feels like it is in a constant fog, some days I just can’t seem to make a clear thought.

The tiredness, the fatigue is debilitating, the insomnia means I can very rarely get a good rest. You may be asking yourself what could this be, it sounds like a horrendous condition to me. This is one change in life that is not really talked about, this is called Perimenopause, it’s just before menopause. I happen to have a few severe symptoms which makes life a struggle some days, full time work is now part time.

The issue is, I am lucky, yes you read that right, I have met & spoken to women who are going through this with such severe symptoms they have had to put their lives on hold. Some have ended up in hospital, both for surgery & some because the depression, anxiety &  self hatred become far too much.

No one warns us women how bad this can be, no one seems to mention this at all, but if you google this you will find there is so much information & research available, so why does no one warm women of what is to come, how severe this can get? Why does no one warm the men of the world to look out for the women in their lives, that they will need them to be a shoulder to lean on.

I hope someone finds this if interest to take further, to put art to the issues I have told, I am more then happy to provide more information. This is a topic that needs to be discussed, that should not be hidden away. It is natural for women to go through this, so why can we not talk about it.

Love is imperfect.

Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.

Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.

The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.

So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.

Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.

Banish the sadness.

Those days when emotionally you are on the verge

You know everything is ok, but the tears still want to flow

It’s an awful feeling to have within, to hide the sadness

There is no understanding why the sadness is there

It just appears, takes over, leaving you hollow

These days I wish would never come, I want to ban them from within

If only life was that simple, if only our hormones would stay quiet

As a woman once you reach a certain age

These days become familiar, no matter your predisposition

You will learn to fight, to wrestle your happiness back

Trust those who love you, they will fill you up.

Calm the mind.

I sit down & close my eyes

I focus on the soft sound of the wind

I feel the breeze on my face

I can hear cows in the distance

I can hear no cars or machinery

No ringing phones or tv noise

I can hear the quiet of the mountain top

I can feel the dampness of the grass

I can smell that sweet grass smell

I open my eyes, the view

It stops my breath for a minute

The rolling hills they just seem to go on

They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass

The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill

I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind

I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any

Finally I lie on my back

I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air

I feel at peace, calm, refreshed

I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.

Family curse or blessing?

My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.

Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.

The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.

There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.

This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.

This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.

This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.

At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.

I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.

Reminders of them.

There are moments we can not explain

There are things that happen with no reason

We look for the logic that has to be there

For the rationale to explain it

We even use our imagination to convince ourselves it never happened

Do you remember the last time a photo fell, no reason for this, it was secure in a frame, it could not fall of the wall

The photo was held down to ensure it could not blow away, the last time a family heirloom just appeared, you forgot you had it

There are not happenings you can ignore
These instances can not be explained by logic

There is a energy that exists, along side us as we walk through life

You will sense it every now & then, a familiar smell in the air, a distinctive feeling you had around a loved one

The ones we love who have passed on, they do not leave us here alone

They are here, sometimes they want to remind you of who you are,

Where you have come from, & that they are with you

Next time a photo falls with no reason, or you can smell a familiar scent or get that feeling

Don’t ignore it, open yourself to them, tell them you are ok, tell them you do feel them, you have not forgotten.

The forgotten souls.

He sits on the cold blue stone, an old cardboard box is his only comfort

His hair has been shaved, just a slight covering of short hair to protect his head

If you look close enough, you can see the blue tinge of cold skin

His shoes have holes, he had no socks on, his pants were dirty, the grime of the street had changed the colour from green to brown

His jacket is an old checkered shirt, tears are clear to see

You know when the wind blows he would feel it go through him

His jacket is torn, he tries to pull the jacket together, as he does another rip appears

A woman walks by, quickly her feet go, the sound of her heels getting quicker as she ignores what is right in front of her

She is determined to look straight ahead, pulling her daughter as quick as she can, the look of disgust on her face is clear, no effort is given to hiding this 

The girl looks at him confused, with concern in her eyes, has not been taught to fear him, or presume who & what he must be, he has no doubt the mother will instil this in her to ensure she is not lead astray 

This ignorance he is used to, the presumption of who and what he must be, the way they think he lives his life, the reason he must be homeless & unwashed 

He used to try to engage them in conversation, he doesn’t anymore, he just shakes his head as they walk on by

This was a behaviour he was used to, people found it easier to ignore him then face the failure of a neglectful society 

Too many like him, he thinks to himself have been forgotten, they live at a address unknown, they do not have a place to call home

They do not know where the next meal is coming from, or if they will eat at all

The hardest part he has to witness, is the younger generation appearing on the streets

If men & women like him don’t look out for them, they are prey for those with no morals

He thinks to himself, it would not take much to change a few things, change societies perception of those like him

To understand it is the minority that have addictions, most like him have been left with nothing, due to the failure of society, & a population that does seem to care about the likes of him.

Parents Day.

Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.

For those who have bad times

For those that second guess themselves

For those who doubt themselves

For those who do it alone

For those who have ones with angel wings

For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done

For those that are a chosen parent

For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own

For the grandparents raising another generation

For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances

This is for you, to remind you

You are doing great, you have no manual to follow

You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you

You give unconditional love, you give them such care

For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.

These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did

Happy Parents Day!!!!

Passion to love.

The passion of a new love is all consuming

It’s amazing how long this can last, the fire in your blood when you hear their voice

The way your stomach fills with butterflies when you see their car pull up

You constantly smooth your hair & clothes trying to be discreet

As time moves on you get into a routine, both of your lives changing to accommodate the relationship

Then you notice the passion of new love has gone, but if you are lucky like me

It is replaced with passion you know is real, long lasting passion

You may notice like me that the butterflies come round, not all the time, but quite often they appear

I still put the effort into making sure I look good, I want her to know I do that for her, to make sure she knows she is special

I try to make sure everything is as it should be, sometimes I get this not quite right

When you show her what she means, how much you appreciate & love her body, don’t hold back, make sure she knows you are wanting to please her

When you are done she should be so sated, her legs are jelly & she drifts into a slumber

The effort is there to make it clear, the passion is love, this love is real, I love you for all that you are, never change who you are, you are amazing the way you are.

Pain into beauty.

You hit me with your pain, I turn it into beauty

Do not think I am breakable, I am stronger then you know

When you push me to my limits, as you do every single person

I will not let you bring me down, I will not let you take my inner shine away

I know we are in your hands, as fate, you have many surprises in store

When you think I am about to break, my dear fate

With all the pressure I feel inside, I will turn my pain into diamonds, I will let them shine within.

Never a secret IVF baby.

The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy

I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them

I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together

I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you

The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first

Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him

I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you

As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you

I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret

Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.

Pain interrupted.

Everyday I think of things to tell you

Everyday I know there is no text coming

Everyday I have moments where I feel empty

Everyday I remind myself I am your daughter

Everyday I tell myself how strong you were

Everyday I have a memory of laughter

I know you are saying

I will always be right here

I know may not see me, but I know you feel my presence

I am proud of you remember that

I know you have my strength

I always knew you had intelligence

I can see you are happy

I know this was a battle

It’s ok to grieve, we are all allowed to feel

When it’s time, let them watch you stand back up

Let them watch you flourish again.

Outside myself.

I am in a room of people, I can smell a mixture of cheap perfume, aftershave that has been applied heavily, there is a undertone of body odour from a day in the office

My feet are hurting, damm these heels! I know they look good, but they are not worth the pain, my hair is done up, for a change I decided to tie it up, not so much hair in my face

As I am about to go & find a drink, I notice out of the corner of my eye a woman looking back at me, she has put effort into how she looks, but her hair is messy, not smoothly tied up, & the make up, no there is no make up

I breathe & it hits me, that is me! I forgot make up, my hair is a bit of a mess, my top is a too loose, my pant…. STOP

All of a sudden the anxiety express starts, my breathing starts to increase, there is a layer of sweat on my hands, the room is hot, too hot, my chest, the pain is starting again

I struggle to get out the door, walking into people & spilling drinks, I know everyone is looking, wondering who invited the crazy girl

They will be thinking I look like a mess, no effort put into how I look, they will think I am drunk, the reason I can’t walk straight

I get outside, I sit down & curl my knees up, I know what I have to do now, talk the anxiety back into it’s box

As hard as I try, the anxiety keeps clawing & biting, taking all my strength, until with one last try down it goes, time for me to go, I can make it home

This is the reason I stay at home, I can only go out when I am feeling strong, stronger then anxiety.

Numbness defeated.

As she lay in bed she could feel her body & mind changing, after the last 48 hours she desperately needed this reprieve. It wasn’t that she wasn’t used to her emotions overwhelming her, she just hated the numbness they brought with them.

She often just let this take over, let is the wrong word, she often felt like she had no control over this numbness taking over her, & she hated it, whenever this happened she just walked away from relationships, it was too much.

This time things were different, her partner had taken the time to read about & learn how numbness can be sent packing.

No one else, including herself had ever even given this any time, no one bothered to understand her mental health, but this one, she did, & it changed everything.

There was a way to stop the numbness taking over, & she was not alone, to know so many others struggled with this made her feel more normal, more understood.

This time when her emotions started to take over she didn’t have to fight the numbness, after fighting it several times her mind knew what to do. It was not something she even really had to think about.

Lying in bed the sense of relief is huge, oh she knows there will be times she has to fight it, but not this time.

The love she has for her partner is filling her heart, not the emptiness she is used to after some bad arguments. She wants to cuddle her partner let her know she loves her.

This is new, this is how it should be she thought. She knows she is lucky, she knows this is a moment to remember.

Memories.

Some days it seems like I am just flooded with memories, something starts them off, & they just don’t stop.

It’s a double edged sword having an almost photographic memory. I remember everything people say to me, even the little things that don’t matter. What I love most, I remember every moment of watching my daughter grow.

The other side is I remember all the ugly things from my life. All the moments I want to forget, the moments that you realise you were right about someone, they were not who you thought they were.

It could be something someone said or did, maybe just a smell or a taste. Then one of those memories will start up, playing like a movie in your mind.

Before you know it, you are flooded by memories, the emotions start, you can feel the tears start to build, your chest gets tighter, you start to feel empty, yet there is pain & that feeling of being betrayed. This all happens at once, before you know it, you are wanting to just curl up & go to sleep.

Does anyone else experience this? Or is it just me? Am I the only one that associates smell with memories? I don’t think I could be, as the sense of smell is the most reliable memory, according to experts.

So today, I had a really good day, then I was hit with all of this. For an hour or so I was too overwhelmed to do much about it, then I said no, not today. If this was a PTSD memory I would not have been able to.

So here I sit, starting to feel more me again. I am aware that not everyone can turn their moods around, my father taught me so many things, this was something he taught me, as my mind is like his, it never stops.

You also may have noticed, I love a good filter! 😏

Bridging love and lust

You kiss me hard

as you unbutton my shirt

expertly slip off my bra

and pull up my skirt

I lead you to our bed

Sit you down on the edge

and start to explore

I take my time whilst I can

We both know you will be deliciously ready soon

My lips press into every inch of you

As you start moving your hips in desire

As vulnerable as you are lying there

exposed, legs apart

Not anything I see other then love & lust in your eyes

I pull you up, move your back up against our headboard

I slowly start to make my way down to your ready core

I know you want to watch, to see how much I enjoy tasting you

You love to watch me licking you

I lick extra slow, the feeling I get knowing you are watching

Starts me squirming, I know this won’t be for long

As soon as you start riding me, I can’t help but let me body release

The moment I do, I feel you shudder in pleasure

I taste all of you, I swirl my tongue around inside you

as you grab my hand

Squeezing mine as you reach your climax

I know this is just the first, the warm up release

I plan to ensure you are licked dry by the time I am through

As you roll your head back in pleasure

I start changing my rhythm again

As I start your body reacts

I know your body is getting ready again

After we are both sated, we lie bodies entangled, our love a bridge glowing between us.

You are safe with me.

The way the light skimmed over your curves, the light of the sun caressing each curve

The way it lit up your skin, every part of your soft skin exposed seemed to be shimmering

It was memorising to see, your perfect body reflected at me, I feel so fortunate to be the one you have chosen

Your skin was showing me exactly how soft & touchable it is

Breathing even & deep, your hands are softly lying on the sheet, fingers slightly bent

Your long legs are almost stretched out, just a slight bend at the knee, your favourite way to lie

Your hips are lying towards the sheet, you will move on to your stomach in your sleep

Your lips are slightly parted, plump & kissable your lips always look like an invitation to me

You slowly move one arm, you are deep asleep, yet your hand starts searching for me

I take your hand, I rub your back, you let out a deep breath, relaxing that much more

You make a small sound, it is the sound of contentment

This is all I need to hear and see, this is all I need to fall into my own deep slumber

Before I do I appreciate the most amazing part of you, the light inside of you

This burns bright, you love so passionately and fully, you are so loyal and protective of our family

This is what I love most, you love me I know, you also love my girl, who now is our girl

She adores you and loves you, just like you do her, your guidance and assurance you give to her

This has changed her life. As you lie in the sun, as my eyes close, I know we are lucky, and she is lucky to have 3 Mums.

Kick out the doubt.

Don’t worry, there is nothing to fear

I live inside you, I am the one that taunts you

Inside your head, who makes you question yourself

Who makes you doubt those around you

Do not be afraid, I just needed to stretch

I felt as if you were trying to push me out

My space inside was getting smaller and smaller

Almost as if you were taking back control

I promise you now, that I will fight to keep control, there is nothing you can do or feel to banish me

I exist inside you, I am part of you, I am sure you love me

Love is such an odd emotion, if that’s what I feel you have towards me

I do not think this is quite right, as lately there is a new feeling inside

It really makes me very sick, I can not tolerate this pure feeling

So if you don’t mind, please allow me some more room, & stop this pure, happy feeling

I would appreciate it

You will hear from me again soon I can assure you

Just as soon as I find out why I am locked out.

My quiet place.

I sit in silence under the tree

I have my back against the rough bark

I can feel the different textures of bark through my tee shirt

I have my eyes closed

But I know this tree

It’s so big I can’t fit my arms around it

It’s trunk is strong, it’s tall & wide

There aren’t many branches until you look further up

The top of the tree is full of big branches, all covered with green leaves

Once in awhile you will see a koala sitting up there

I can hear the wind building getting ready to blow

As it starts the slight smell of eucalyptus starts wafting

As it gets stronger I can hear the leaves rustling, I can imagine them dancing in the wind

As the wind gets stronger I hear the big branches start to creak

This is the moment I look up & open my eyes

To watch the majestic tree dance in the wind

I feel at peace, I breathe in the strong smell of eucalyptus

I take in all the different green of the leaves

This is where my mind is finally still & quiet

This is my quiet, this is my place to be completely still & quiet.

Unconditionally.

To my girlfriend, Babe you are even more then I can express. Thank you for loving me, accepting me & my situation. For taking on being a Mum & you have blown me away. Xo

This woman of mine is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.

This woman is real, her flesh is soft & she tastes of honey.

Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she saves a special smile just for me.

To my woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday as you have come further then you know.

To face your fear in the eyes

And know that you are stronger then you believe

I will be right here beside you, I will listen have patience

I will show kindness, love & care

I will be your strength when you feel weak, I will pull you up when you feel low

Do not doubt my commitment to you

From here on it will be you & me

Don’t ever feel you are not enough to me my love you are more then enough.

You have given yourself a path in life that was unexpected, you have done this for me.

Disassociation.

Ever been so hurt you can’t cry, you can’t move, you are stuck

Stuck in no mans land full of pain, rejection & emptiness

The person who hurt you is standing right there, they are not aware you can not move

They have gone into another place, they have dissociated

This was not their intent, they did not mean to, but in a moment of anger

To protect themselves, without meaning to they locked the emotions away

The way they look at you, the love is just not there, locked up for the moment

Along with the care & understanding, they are right there watching you cry

It hurts, it cuts so deep you can’t express the pain you are in

They just don’t seem to care at all, this is like jagged glass cutting your heart in half

The pain goes into your every cell, you can feel yourself slipping straight into the dark hole

The pain is so intense it almost knocks you out, maybe that would be better you think

Then a little part of you remembers it’s not their fault

This is a part of them they can’t always control

They can control coming back, you know this inside

You know they want to, but the resistance within them is so strong

You are the anchor to their ship that tries to sail away

Stand up out of that dark hole, don’t let them look away

Show them your pain, show them you care, show them you will be there

Take them in your arms, let them relax & feel safe for a minute

Then ask them to look within, to find the embers of the fire that burns for you

Tell them to Stoke that fire, bring them back to you

As hard as it is, you know this will happen again, you will need to rescue them

You know also that the love you have is more fulfilling & joyous then the occasional pain of the disassociation.

Triggers – living with PTSD.

I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.

Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.

She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.

The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.

As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.

So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.

It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?

I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.

It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.

I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.

So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.

By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.

We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.

My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.

At least that is my hope.

Honesty.

One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.

It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.

Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.

It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.

When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.

You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.

So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.

It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.

Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.

I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.

As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.

Emotions flooded me this week.

It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.

You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.

So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.

That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.

However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.

I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.

We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.

For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.

Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.

If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.

Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.

One of those nights.

 

It has been one of those bipola nights, unable to sleep, feeling overly emotional about everything. Feeling like everything is my fault.

For my partner who is great, my emotions can be too much at times, she will mention one little issue that is nothing in the scheme of things, & I will break down in tears.

Now I know this is also the perimenopause, however bipola is the biggest culprit. It doesn’t just stop at being emotional, my mind will not rest, flashing before my eyes is every way things could go wrong, & I will be heartbroken again.

Now I know in reality this is unlikely, as we all know, relationships sometimes fall apart. We are very much a couple in love, with respect & understanding.

However my mind is trying to convince me otherwise. In response to that along comes the sobbing, then anxiety, then the feeling of darkness. I know I have to control this.

For me there are a few ways I can control this, let myself have a good cry, have a sob, let it out! I can tell myself to get it together, distract my mind with something engaging, however this approach is flawed, our minds can outsmart us. So I have decided at 6:45am, I am going to go & snuggle up to my partner, she will wrap me in her arms, & I will feel loved.

For the moment that is enough. I know it will calm the storm, after some rest, my energy will return, & I can tackle the beast of bipola again.

It feels amazing.

This week has been huge for me, I never thought I would actually be able to put my work out there. For me what I write is very personal, it is me in written form.

I have been writing for as long as I can remember, I always kept everything locked away, the only people to really read anything was my parents.

This January my father passed away, he always encouraged me to put my work out there, I really didn’t think anyone would relate to what I write.

This week I have learnt that people appreciate honesty, they appreciate writing that comes from the heart, they also like the small details.

I have been humbled by the feedback I have been given. To hear so many people related & had a strong emotional response, is beyond what I was expecting.

So for now, it’s back to the writing, new work & editing old work. There is plenty more to come.

I hope you enjoy what you read. Please do leave a comment or any feedback you may have. ❤️

The curse of the menopause.

What a sordid mess 

The pain of it all just gets right in

The fog of winter rolls right through a brain that is still young
The muscles that constantly twitch & hurt
The dizziness that causes the young to fall
The way it makes us want to stay indoors Everything outside is far too much
The way we can not deal with disagreements The way it makes us hate ourselves 
From our hair to our skinTo our face to our eyes
To our insides to our outsides
The hate just flows like blood
The way it makes us doubt all who love us
To doubt their love, commitment & loyalty The way it makes us believe our lovers are loving another 

The way it shows us every fault as if we are looking through a microscope 

The way it makes us sure no one could ever love us no one could accept us
Not now not ever 

Just remember this my dear ladies 

A time will come that it will pass
Until then stay strong & relay on your loved ones
Don’t forget they suffer right along side us
Try to see one thing that is good inside & outside you will find one
Scream to the roof tops
And remember to be kind to one’s self