Alone

My heart is hurting, that empty pain you feel inside, the feeling of being alone

I can see you, smell you & hear you, you are right there next to me

Your back is to me, I see more of your back then your face recently 

I can’t get near you, your emotions are dimmed, as if a fire has been extinguished 

I have been so happy, I feel like finally good things are happening to me

You never really acknowledged this, you said you were proud, you even had the look of love again for a minute 

There was no hug, no kiss, no trying to celebrate me, sometimes I want to feel special too, I feel defeated 

How is it that you didn’t want to hug or kiss me? 

What have I done to be so left alone?

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Me.

As I look back over the past 18 months, so much has changed.

I am a very social soul by nature, however I have always been more comfortable on the other end of the phone, or having a few friends at home.

For me, who had been thrust into being a single mum due to tragic circumstances 18 months before, being at home was somewhat a welcome break. I could just be at home, work at home, everything!

Of course I felt lonely, I had become accustomed to that feeling.

Most people have said how much their relationship suffered, how being together all the time was an eye opener. I did not envy them, until a beautiful woman knocked me down.

We met in unusual circumstances, during a pandemic there is no other way to meet, we had met briefly before, she knew my story well.

We were talking when I was visiting my wife, in the facility she now lives, unable to move or talk, all of that was taken in a flash. This woman was saying, like so many others, she could not get basic food.

I explained that I had enough to share of the basics she might need, she quickly accepted my offer, we exchanged details, she said she would be over after work.

She came at 4pm & left at 3am. We kept talking online, when she asked if I had considered a relationship again.

That was that, here we are, blissfully happy, she knows she shares me with another, it is a unique situation.

Unique in so many ways, both of us have bipola, I have PTSD & anxiety. This could be complicated, which is why communication & always working on our relationship is the way we make sure we are ok.

I somehow found happiness again, during the darkest of times for society.

The war to be happy.

To my love, thank you for fighting to be happy, for showing me how much I mean to you, for loving me for all my flaws & faults, lumps & bumps.

To the one who lights up my life, shines brighter then a star on a cloudless night

Who loves so deeply & passionately, feels everything so intensely, often afraid to let the intensity show 

Who is loyal & protective to those she loves, she will stand by them as an army comes, she will block the way with her iron will, they will not brake through that stubborn wall

She is a confusion in her mind, thoughts flying across her mind, too fast for her to catch & consider

She is more beautiful then a sunset over the bay, she does not know this, she will not believe it

She so often wants to break, but instead knots herself together, knowing she has a unconditional love to keep her strong

She knows this kind of love is rare, but her instinct is to fight it tooth & nail, to accept this kind of love, she needs to accept herself 

She refuses to fall down for too long, she has her moments of going down a dark hole, not feeling a thing except for basic human needs

She does not like this hole she goes into, it poisons everything around her, causes those she loves to feel pain

This woman is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.

The woman who has fought 100 battles, who has been given a rough start in her journey of life

She struggles to feel happy, to let herself be happy, oh but when she is, the way she is 

Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she has a incredible laugh, a smile that cannot be dulled, a walk that swings her hips

To this woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday, you have beaten the odds, you have achieved more then you ever thought 

You faced your fears, you know you are stronger then those fearful thoughts, you are living a life you never gave yourself a chance to think would be a possibility 

I am forever grateful for your strength, to kick those fears out of your head, for me you did let go of them, for me you give yourself permission to be happy 

Do not think I take this lightly, I will always remember that you fought a war for me, to be with me, to be happy together.