EllPoet Emotionally Raw Poetry.
I write poetry that is unexpected, raw, from the heart & mind, I don’t shy away from being emotional, & real in my writing.
A monster lives within me
This monster tells me everything I do wrong
It tells me how awful I look, how bumpy my body is
It taunts me, I am so monstrous I should hide behind a mask
I can not go out with the real me on display
To this monster I say, you are wrong, not me
I do not look awful, my body has forty five years of life mapping, I would expect bumps
I am not monstrous, I fought hard to find me, I will not hide, I am not perfect, I am perfectly imperfect.
Everlasting love I believed was a fairytale for me
I was on the sidelines watching life pass me by
Watching my friends move on with life, I was frozen in time
I jerked myself awake, I told myself I have to try
A little girls heart broken from trauma, I knew I had to start
She had lost one parent, I would not let her loose another
She could not grieve, my wife had not passed, a claustrophobic injury to the brain
I started living, step by step, I was lonely, full of sadness
Yet you somehow could see past that, you started knocking on my wall of sadness
You showed me, slowly that I could be happy, I could be more
Day by day my wall crumbled, then you kissed me
My wall dropped, a new feeling I had inside, I knew I had felt it before
Joy started to fill me up, I started smiling, laughing, then loving
Our life is complicated, our life is full, our life is unique
Our everlasting love is strong, I stand by you proudly my love.
My girlfriend says to me quite often, maybe your not a bad writer? Maybe you can relate to people. She says this not in a mean way, it’s a reminder to me, to have some self belief, to stop having to faith in my work.
This is something I find confronting, I know very few people who can say they are good at something, or give them selves some recognition for when things go well. As a writer when you are submitting you are putting yourself out there, the rejections pile up, if you get a response.
An acceptance is always unexpected, it’s like I have won the lottery. I am floored every time, I always question it, are they sure, do they actually like my work? Maybe they didn’t get any others? The reality is, they like it.
I find this unfathomable that they like it & relate to it. I acknowledge that I must have some self belief if I am submitting, but I can’t feel it or find it. Until now.
A magazine is publishing me three months in a row, they publish one piece of writing per issue, this made me understand that yes, maybe I can write, maybe I need to start having a bit more confidence.
We all struggle with self belief, it’s when these wins happen that help us see, maybe we aren’t so bad. No matter what you do, look out for those moments, hang on to that belief.
Photo Poem
The affliction suffered has decayed the body
Taking within, killing the inside slowly
Once a warrior, now unable to stand
Tightly holding on to dignity
There will be no reprieve
The suffering is silent to save the hearts of your cherished ones
A devoted wife, never leaving your now quivering soul alone
A daughter, the desire to see her is pushed down
You will not condemn her, will not let her last memory of you
Be one of such pain
The awareness that her heart is breaking, you will protect her
Until your dying breath
You let go
The loss I feel inside my heart, my soul is profound
My father, who gave so much, schooled me on life
Showed me how to balance the insane with the sane
Never will there be a day I do not miss you
Never will there be a day, I won’t ensure your love, my mother, is weathering the storm of grief.
Warm & snug, she lies in her bed, hoping with all her might sleep will just take over, eyes squeezed shut, trying not to think. All is quiet, she relaxes a little, yawns & snuggles in to her bed. She feels herself starting to drift & sighs.
A soft scratching noise drifts up, the very sound she didn’t want to hear. She curls up tight, trying to ignore the sound, the fear building in her stomach.
The scratching stops, she knows why, the floor seems to have a ripple, then slowly one claw appears, sharp, long & dirty. Three more follow, then the hand, the skin is white, the veins black, Criss crossing under the skin.
The head slowly appears, black eyes, rimmed with red, two holes for a nose, a mouth too small for the teeth, it drips saliva. The smell of rotten meat fills her nose.
The monster pulls himself out, a contorted smile on its face. It’s body is skinny & covered in scars, there is a new cut across it’s leg, still seeping black blood.
She is petrified, she can’t move, this thing started coming two weeks ago, no one believes her, she can’t scream, her throat feels tight, as if it is closing over.
She starts silently crying, she has been able to not cry every other night, to show it she is not scared, but tonight she can’t, she lets the tears flow.
The thing in front of her is hideous, she wants to look away but she can’t. She wants to run but she can’t. She wants to do anything other then sit here in fear.
The thing looks at her with a strange expression, slowly moves it’s hand, with a claw it grabs a tissue from her bedside table & hands it too her. She is confused but takes the tissue.
The thing sits down on the floor, completely still, when it looks up it’s eyes have changed to a green colour, a distinctive colour. She knows this colour, her best friend had the same colour, he went missing three months ago.
Suddenly she understands, the curse, the old wives tale, that once every ten years, a boy is given & turned into a monster, unless he is recognised he will stay like that forever.
Before she overthinks it all, she utters his name, ‘Eoin? Is that you?’
The thing screams, it’s body is thrashing, moving too fast for her eyes to follow. The thrashing starts to slow down, Eoin is lying on the floor soaked in sweat.
She gently touches his shoulder, he screams, then opens his eyes, he blinks at her. He raises his hands to his face, he seems to be in shock.
‘Eoin it’s me Trinity, can you hear me?’ Eoin nods his head, Trinity helps him on to the bed. He curls up, she wraps her arms around him. She closes her eyes. She doesn’t notice the claws coming back, nor remember there is no curse, just a thought planted in a innocent mind.
She runs in her pink dress, pink ribbons flying from her hair
Little Mary Janes shiny & new, she is a perfect picture
She knows she should not be playing with the boys
She knows she will disappoint her parents again
Coming in all dirty, hair falling everywhere, new shoes scraped
She has no desire to play with the girls, she doesn’t want to pretend
She turns thirteen, she is the tomboy, loves being outdoors
She pretends to like boys, fitting in, seeming normal
She reaches eighteen, no longer trying to be someone else
She is quirky, she is the one to stand up for others
Finally at twenty one she begs for acceptance, boys are not for her
Acceptance is not given, breaking her heart in two
Aimlessly she walks alone, for ninety days, she is ready to give up
Acceptance comes out of the blue, a true heartfelt apology given
Life starts to move in a new direction, of openness & honesty
The relief she feels within, to finally live cage less
The happiness is clear, a journey has started, a new life
A life she is free to spread her wings, to embrace who she is
I never thought I could, I did, I am & I will, live as a proud gay woman.
You ain’t the same, your light is dimming
I know you don’t mean to, life just extinguishers your flame
All the stress, the constant slamming of demands on you
Time to kick it back, stop saying yes, stop being the pleaser
Your the number one, take yourself to the front of the queue
Tell others do not pass go, do not collect $200
Let’s grab some fine food, refuel your fire, fan the embers
Get some rest, turn off that phone, curl up in my arms
Be warm & snug, on the flip side you will return to you.
I read a blog post today, & found it interesting to know more about the writer, so here are ten things about me, & what they mean.
Hair colour: Blonde
Eye colour: Blue/Green
Fun Fact: I am ridiculously clumsy.
Favourite stone: every girl loves diamonds, for me I love the black ones, they are mysterious & beautiful.
Black diamonds represent inner strength and justice. They are great for a woman who wants to stand apart and stand strong in her conviction.
Favourite colour: I have always loved green, it reminds me of the forest.
Prone to putting lots of importance on money and security.
Those who love green desperately want to feel secure in both their finances and relationships. They’re also social butterflies and are probably on a diet as we speak.
Favourite drink: Coffee, Latte if I can!!
Latte drinkers like to choose options that are safe and familiar. The latte is like a security blanket that offers warmth and support in the middle of a harsh day. Those soft peaks of foamed milk on the top of a latte are like little pillows that cushion blows from the cruel world. A latte might be your go-to drink if you like comfort, familiarity, and coziness. Fans of the latte tend to also love things like fuzzy scarves and handmade throw pillows.
Favourite music: heavy metal & hard rock I find soothing.
If you enjoy rock and heavy metal, then your mind is quite intuitive and open to future possibilities. You love to weave ideas and reflect on your life.
Favourite sleeping position: I have always slept on my side, either side, but generally left.
If sleeping on either of your sides is your go-to comfy position, it means you are an easy-going person, who welcomes everyone with an open heart.
Further, if your preferred sleeping side is left you may be more creative.
Favourite season: I love the start of spring, the end of winter, it’s not too hot & not too cold.
If spring is your favorite season, then you might crave new experiences, and the spring season offers the chance of renewal that you need after a long, cold winter.
Mountains or beach: I hate sand, & I love mountains.
You like seclusion. CREATIVE It is likely that you have a creative pursuit in your life. It could either be writing, painting, sketching, or singing. You belong to the mountains because you think they bring out the best in you.
PHILOSOPHICAL, you like conversations that are much deeper. You love talking about art, nature, life and philosophy. Also, this makes you a much better listener.
So, your life has suddenly changed, weather it be a relationship breakdown or a tragic event. You find yourself in unfamiliar waters, wondering what the hell do I do know?
Firstly you are not alone, secondly have you stocked up on your favourite alcoholic beverage? Trust me you will need it.
It’s hard moving on, or in my case, my wife has an Acquired Brain Injury & can not talk or move, I am very lucky that I have met someone else, who understands they share my heart.
There is a lot to that story, but we are here to talk about you. I know you are probably feeling awful, looking at all your lumps & bumps. Let me tell you, other people won’t care, & do not see them like you do. They will see your beauty inside & out. However, I have learnt putting in effort every day to look good seriously helps!
You don’t have to love all of yourself yet, let’s start with one thing. For me, my boobs! I am a DD, I am 45 & they are still perky!! Just find one thing you like about yourself, you can build it from there. I guarantee you will find more, & you will surprise yourself.
Everyone will have advice, I know they care. The thing is it gets quite annoying when everyone wants to have a say on your life. It is much easier just to say thank you, I appreciate that you care, & move on. If people think you have listened, & appreciate they made an effort they generally move on.
Now this is about you, but people want to be seen to be doing the right thing. Feel free to say no thank you to offers from those who really are just doing it so they feel good. You don’t have the energy for them, just let them go.
Kids, my saving grace with my daughter was having three people I could call on whenever I needed, if it was just for a few hours or overnight. I trust them & like them, more importantly my daughter felt safe & loved with them. The other thing with kids, be honest about what is happening, don’t keep secrets. They will feel more secure if they know what is happening.
Lastly, this is a very quick guide, there will be many things that pop up. Just do the best you can, don’t doubt yourself. Remember to smile, remember to laugh. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t loose yourself to it.
Now, go grab a beverage, sit back, enjoy the moment, & just allow yourself to let things go a little.
She was lying on the bed, half asleep, relaxed
Wearing only her singlet & knickers
Her partner walked in & stopped taking the time to appreciate the sight
The white singlet was pulled hard across her nipples
Her breasts were perfect in every way
Her stomach lean, with just a little bump from dinner
Her knickers showed the start of her core, it was clear she shaved
Her lips were plump & pink, how she loved kissing those lips
Her hair was long with a slight curl, draped over her shoulder
She walked up to the bed, she kissed both nipples
She was met with a little surprised moan
She lifted up the singlet to expose those perfect breasts
She sucked one, & lightly pinched the nipple of the other
She was almost knocked off when her hips started bucking
She slid her hand down between her legs, she found her moist & ready
She slid one finger in, drew it out & sucked on the taste
She slid down pulled the panties down
Before she could say anything she thrust her tongue inside, back out & circled around
She licked up to her clit, sucked on it hard
Licking & sucking until she could feel she was close
She went back to her core, tasting the honey running down
She thrust her tongue in, her girlfriend grabbed her hair
She used her hair to push her tongue in & out
She pushed her tongue in as far as she could
Loving the sensation of her girlfriend taking control
From one thrust to the next, the honey came flowing out
Legs shaking, still thrusting her head she kept the honey of her pleasure flowing
When she was done, she grabbed her girlfriend & thrust her fingers in
It took only a few thrusts, the pleasure of tasting her girlfriend
Had left her ready to let her own honey flow
They lay down in each other’s arms
The love between them clear, they were both satisfied
They are comfortable knowing love & fucking go hand in hand
There will be times for making love, they knew they had a lifetime.
I always thought the school drama between girls would start at thirteen or later, once high school starts.
I was wrong! I have found myself very unprepared for my 10 year old daughter to tell me what is happening. How the girls calm each other mean, say I hate you one day & are friends the next.
Now she is not innocent, she has said a few things, & I am right on that, it’s not ok, I heard her saying some nasty things about one of the girls, so I made her write an apology letter.
She didn’t have to give the letter to the girl, I asked her to imagine how she would feel if that girl found out what she said & what would she say to apologise. She thought this was crazy until she wrote it.
All of a sudden an understanding of how her words could affect someone became clear to her. She was upset she had said it, & understood why I pulled her up on it.
I am not naive I am sure she will say things again, hopefully not until she is older. She is too young, this bitchiness at school should not happen in primary school, it’s far too young.
Being a victim of school bullying, I was the nerdy girl, I will not stand for it. As I hope I can teach her.
My father & I had a very special relationship, he understood me in a way no one else did, he understood the way I think & the complex reality of living with bi polar.
When he passed in January I was lost, in some ways I still feel lost. This week very lost. Last Sunday was Father’s Day, today is his birthday he would have been 74.
I allow myself to grieve, but I also do not loose myself to it. My father was many things, he was incredibly smart & driven, he was tenacious. As much as I am incredibly emotional today, I refuse to let myself fall.
My father taught me well, he made sure I knew how to be strong, he also made sure I understood how to manage & balance my emotions & reality. When we are full of emotion it is easy to loose a grip on reality.
I know he was proud of me, I will continue to make him proud, make myself proud, most of all teach my daughter how to balance.
I looked at you, you had just walked out of the shower
You had water beading on your skin
You dropped your towel & looked at me
I grabbed you & pushed you up against the wall
Kissing you hard, I ran my tongue over yours
I felt your whole body tremble, your nipples hardened
I picked you up, you wrapped your legs around my waist
I love the feeling of you wrapped around me, naked & wanting
I carried you to the bathroom sink, & told you to stand
You normally hate being told what to do, this time you moaned
I asked for your leg, I threw your leg over my shoulder
Standing on the sink with your legs spread
You looked like a goddess, perfect lines & curves
I thrust my tongue inside you, I started licking & sucking
I licked you like an ice cream cone, in & out
When you came, I had to catch you
Your body relaxed & you had a look of bliss on your face
I love knowing it was me that made you feel so good.
‘You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see.’ William sang as he glided gracefully over the floor, in his arms his wife smiled up at him, this was there song, not the wedding song, there private song. He often played it after dinner, & would sing it to her, & they would start to dance.
He loved the smell of her floral fragrance, as it lightly filled the air as they danced, the shampoo she used, he knew that smell. She would tuck her head under his chin, & sigh, her hair would tickle his nose as they moved. She never once refused to dance with him, always with a shy smile, almost like she could still not believe he loved her.
She was 16 when they met, she was the younger sister of a friend, she thought she was a plain Jane, she didn’t see herself as beautiful. When he first saw her, he noticed the natural red highlights in her hair that shone when she stood in the sun, the way her smile lit up her face, her eyes twinkling with happiness.
He noticed the way she often wrung her hands when she was nervous, but what he really noticed was the way she moved. When she danced, she let the music guide her, she looked graceful & beautiful, it appeared to him that she was gliding over the floor, her feet barley touching the floor.
William did another twirl around the floor, he remembered how beautiful she looked on their wedding day, unlike the other girls she had chosen an understated dress, it was perfect for dancing. She was 18, just, the week before she had turned 18, he had just turned 23. As the glided down the aisle she had radiated happiness, he had hoped he could keep her happy forever.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he had surprised her, he had organised for the priest who married them to another ceremony, not another wedding, it was just the two of them. A ceremony that was all about her, the scarifies she had made for him & their children. How she had always put everyone else first, even when her favourite band came on tour, he had been working late, the babysitter cancelled, so she didn’t go. When he asked why she didn’t call him, he would have come home, he knew how much music meant to her, she smiled, ‘No darling, you bring in the money, I do the home. There will be another time.’
He had made sure there was another time, when they went to dance at the end of the ceremony, he had arranged a live web link to the band, they played just for her. She was speechless, & knew she was appreciated.
He twirled around & other memories came to mind, a lifetime of memories, everyone one had a song to go with it, always there was music in their house, car, in their lives. ‘You are so beautiful’ The song was finishing, he started to slow down.
William, come on now, you know you should be in bed, come on, lets go.’ said the man standing next to him, who was this man?
‘William? It’s me Joe, you live here now. Are you dancing with your wife again? I love hearing the stories of your wife. Why don’t you tall me one whilst I walk you to your room.’
William was confused, he started walking slowly with Joe. He was about to ask where his wife was, a nagging memory told him not to, he somehow knew she had passed on. The memory of that was fuzzy, he hung on to the memories of music.
Centre yourself mind, body, spirit
Breathe deeply, slowly, no distractions
Feel the calm roll through yourself
Allow yourself to let go
Centre mind, body, spirit with the earth
Fill yourself up with energy
Let the earth provide renewed energy
Slowly come back to yourself
Let yourself feel the energy within
Give your thanks to earth
Give back what has been taken
With energy the earth needs
Care for your part of earth & give back
The earth will always provide energy.
I am hardwired to self destruct
I am hardwired to self believe
I am hardwired to self sabotage
I am hardwired to self help
We are all hardwired to destroy ourselves
We are all hardwired to thrive as ourselves
We are all hardwired to be human, faults & all.
I am driving up the hill, tired & stressed after work
I reach a point in the road I know, I put down my window
The air comes in, the fresh mountain air, I breathe it in deeply
I can feel myself start to relax, the air is different here, you can’t help but relax
I drive up my driveway, admiring the forest as I do, looking at the huge gum trees
I almost pinch myself, I feel this way every time I come home
I am so lucky to live here, it’s so peaceful, quiet & breathtakingly beautiful
I walk inside, I am greeted by my daughter with a big smile
This is home, my place of safety, my refuge from the world
Our home is perfect for us all, I am happy, safe & loved
I am relaxed & no longer stressed, I know I am home.
I feel something inside, something that is heavy
I try to say it out aloud but my words come out in a jumble
I need to be in your thoughts, when you are doing things
To remember that at times you need to think how it will affect me
To think what it I need, I try to always do this for you
We are a team, we both have our parts to do
Please remember that if you take your time
This could have effects you are not thinking of
I need you to please understand, there are times to look at my side
To not get angry & say hurtful things, to try to see why I am reacting
We are both complicated people, both strong & stubborn
I need to be more flexible, & more tolerant of doing things in your time
Please don’t ever think it is just you, we both have ownership
We both need to be able to stop & think, we are both human, imperfectly perfect.
You know how sometimes it just feels like life is testing you? As if thinking how much can she handle? *insert sinister laugh*
Today that is how I feel, I woke up to my daughter in a awful mood as she didn’t want to go to school, sorry I said you have to go. *Insert childs high pitched voice* I hate you, your the worst Mum!!! *insert heart breaking.*
I knew this would happen I just wasn’t expecting it at 10, I still felt heart broken, then happy. You may wonder why happy? We have been through so much, this was a normal reaction from a pre teen, somehow I got her through it, she is somehow not as scarred as I thought.
After getting grumpy to school, making sure I tell her on the way I do love her, I am proud of her, I get home & start work. One hour later my phone rings.
As I listen I am in shock, a relative of a family member passed away overnight, no reason she was 35. Healthy, happy & has a family. For some reason she didn’t wake up.
This was a shock you don’t expect, not from someone so healthy, no known medical issues. I feel for her shocked family, the pain & confusion they must be feeling.
These two things tested me, really made me have to manage my emotions. I did, I am proud of myself. I did not let anything pull me down.
Now we get ready for tomorrow, & to be there for loved ones.
It is so very easy to let others change you, to take criticism to heart
I was told I was too loud, dull it down I told myself
I was told I was too much, stop being so excitable I kept telling myself
I was told I was too emotional, just don’t feel I reminded myself
Then one day I didn’t know who I was anymore
I made a decision, to return myself to me, find her again within
I am loud at times, that’s ok, it can be quite funny
I am too much, I am a big kid, I love to get excited over the little things
I am emotional, I am driven by emotion, that’s ok, I love & care deeply
I am me, I returned to me, it took time, I had to believe
Those that are my family & friends are so relieved
They missed who I was, they were waiting & hoping for the big return of me.
I miss so much at night, I hear the creatures in the trees
I hear the wind & the rain, I hear the trees moving, leaves rustling
I can feel the energy of the night, calm & peaceful so many are asleep
I can feel the breeze, the coldness of the night
I can’t see the trees, I can’t see all the creatures
I miss so much at night, so much I can not see
Night blindness takes my vision when there is no sun
My other senses take over, my hearing picks up every little sound
My sense of smell breathes in the night, the air so cold & refreshing
My skin picks up the energy, the coldness
In the dark of night outside, I feel calm, I can let my senses take over.
My life is complicated & very hard for people to get there head around at times. Today is a perfect example of how my life is, & how at times it gets all too much.
My girlfriend & I had an argument last night, this morning we woke up, wrapped our arms around each other & apologised, it was an argument that was unnecessary.
We had breakfast with our daughter, then started to get ready for the day. I was emotional to say the least. My girlfriend is an incredibly understanding woman.
Today I was taking our daughter to visit her Mama my wife. Now this is where people struggle to get there head around it, yes I am married, my wife however has a severe ABI & can not move or talk.
I will always stand by my wife, but my life has moved on as well. We go regularly to see her, I am very involved with her care & well being.
I was emotional over seeing her today, & our daughter struggles seeing her Mama like she is, as we all would.
Visit went quite quickly, & very happily, as happy as we can all be. Our daughter & I make sure we are smiling & happy, we are honest about things, but always happy at the start & end of a visit.
I dropped our daughter off for a sleepover on the way home, & then home for a night with my girlfriend which I need.
Life is complicated, everyone has different complications, it’s important to me, to take time with people, let them talk about their complications, & give them the information & lessons I have learnt in the last four years. It’s an unknown territory for many, to be mid thirties & suddenly your partner is very different.
I know you struggle inside your head, I see the fight in your eyes
I see how you reject the thought you can be loved
I know how it feels, I struggle with this fight
Some days it seems to get all too much, it becomes a yelling in our heads
When we are both wrestling with our own demons
We try to be there for each other, some days it’s not what we need
Some days what we can give is not enough
Remember the fight I have is as hard as yours
Remember I am here, sometimes a little more faded then others
I know my love, you are the same.
There are times we all feel we are far too unattractive to be wanted
Too ugly inside to be loved by another
Too much baggage for anyone to want to share a life with
This weighs us down, it shows in the way we look
The effort taken when going out suddenly seems so useless
It’s as if suddenly we can see ourselves so clearly
When we start to feel this way, take a minute to understand
Know that this is not how others see you
Take off those glasses that lie, we need to see the truth
We are all worth loving, we all deserve to be wanted
Remember that each of us struggle with this
Self worth is a constant struggle, turn to a loved one
Ask them why you are worth loving, listen & take it in
Then take the effort when going out, remember you are worth it.
As a teenager my mum told me what to expect from my period, I had education at school on what to expect, my friends all discussed how they were feeling.
We compared symptoms, we all started our first period within about 18 months of each other, we knew it was not going to a fun experience, we knew all sorts of symptoms we could experience.
Now I am at the other end of the journey, Perimenopause. Just like most women I was aware I would start menopause in about my mid fifties, some hot flushes, mood swings, the upside no more periods.
Wrong, oh so wrong, no one told me about Perimenopause. No doctor, no nurse or other medical professional, there were no colourful information sheets at the doctors to tell me I was going to start this mid forties for most women. I was 40 when things started to change.
My question is, why are we not told? To give you an idea, most women experience hair loss, mood swings, hot flushes, anxiety, bloating, weight gain, feelings of self hatred, lack of sex drive & vaginal dryness & the list goes on.
Everyone of course has varying degrees, some symptoms & not others. My mum for instance went through a few hot flushes.
As for me, I thought I was having a mental breakdown, anxiety, depression, real self hate issues, I could not look in the mirror. I would cry for hours on end, vertigo, bloating, water retention so severe I have never experienced anything like it. Some of my jeans would not fit over my ankles.
This is just a light description, I still suffer symptoms, insomnia, self hate comes & goes. The theory behind self hate is that our bodies can not carry a child anymore, in my case I am unable to anyway so it’s odd feeling.
After many doctors visits & research it was clear by my hormone levels this was what was happening. I then discovered I had it easy, seriously? I couldn’t work full time anymore, I could barely function with the brain fog & memory loss some days.
I did find great support through Facebook where there are Perimenopause support groups, other women that get the despair.
The medical support available such as HRT & other alternatives can be great, if you can have them, some women like myself unfortunately can not.
So, if you are reading this, educate yourself, start a conversation with friends, talk to your doctor.
Let’s get real about this, let’s start saying to our governments, this needs to be a conversation, there needs to be education & support around this.
Grief is a constant process, I think I am in control then wham, someone or something brings it all to the forefront of my mind.
Often our grief sits at the back, we know it’s there, it’s a constant, but it’s manageable at the back of our minds, it’s not something we have to have right in front of us.
However this is dependent on your grief, for me I do have grief that is constantly right in front of me, the grief for my wife, I have written previously about her condition. She is still alive, but definitely not the same, the grief for the living is different, & I find much harder.
The grief I have for my father, it is there, I miss him terribly, but it’s not right in front of me all the time. There are always reminders, then I will read something or watch something & think dad would love that, then I remember.
It’s confronting at first, I have found I need to feel it, acknowledge the pain I still feel, I most likely will always feel. I was incredibly close to me father, I really am my Father’s Daughter.
I am so similar to my father, this has become much more obvious since he has been gone, when someone says to me you remind me of your father.
To me this is a huge compliment, my father was a very accomplished man, he was a great man, he left a mark where he had been & changed many lives.
This is how I deal with my grief, I remind people of him, that is an honour & something to aspire to, it gives me purpose, instead of dwelling on the pain.
Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.
Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.
Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.
I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.
Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.
A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.
I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.
So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.
Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.
I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.
She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.
It’s odd isn’t it, we are told not to be too full of ourselves, meaning don’t show too much confidence, then we are told to be confident. People don’t stop & ask you what you are proud of, they ask so many other questions. It’s hard to be proud of ourselves.
I struggle to say anything positive about myself, but one thing I am so proud of, it’s part of me, partly DNA, part personality trait, part self belief no matter how I struggle.
Inner strength. I have faced my share of battles, I have been through things that should not happen to anyone, & I have been through absolute tragedy & heartbreak.
I have found each time I am at that point of feeling like it’s all too much, I get this extra strength, it pushes me forward, it gives me the belief I can do it.
I call it my Phoenix, it’s the fire that lives inside, when I need it, it just comes. I am proud of this, grateful for this, I hope I am showing my daughter how to cope & live a good life, whilst managing when things get really hard.
It was one of those hot summer nights, perfect for staying up all night.
I didn’t want to stay inside all night, I wanted to feel alive, I wanted excitement, I wanted pleasure.
I grabbed my girlfriends hand told her let’s go, we both grinned like teenagers again.
The love I feel for this woman is too wild & true to put into words, she loves me so passionately.
I put my hands on either side of her face, looked into those amazing blue eyes & kissed her deep, let her feel my love & desire.
I pulled away leaving both of us breathless, we ran giddy out the door.
I drove up into the hills, I suddenly knew exactly where to go, to show her beauty like her own, to let her see how beautiful I see her.
The drive was windy, we had the music loud, the windows down, her hand on my leg, our hair was blowing out the windows, it was perfect.
I pulled into the forest & drove down the old road, at the end was a view of the city, with the lights reflected on the bay, with the tall buildings, all the colourful lights on display, it looked like a mirage on the bay.
I parked the car, I went to get a blanket out of the boot, I knew she love to sit & just take it all in, she was having none of that.
She pulled me to the front of the car, she kissed me like she couldn’t get enough, her tongue was silk against my own, her breasts pushed up against my own.
She made sure I knew she wanted me right then, she stood back, taking her top of, slowly undoing her jeans, shimmering them down, putting on a display for me.
Standing in her lingerie, I admired her perfect body, every little bump she hated I loved, I loved the parts of her she hated most, her legs, those long lean legs, she hated them, I only see perfection.
I stood up, she yanked my top off, my bra went with it, before I could kiss her, her lips & hands were all over me, making me feel breathless, she is Aphrodite this woman, she knows exactly what I like, she knows how to touch me.
When she was through I struggled to move, she took off her panties, told me to lie back, she had a look on her face that was clear, pure ecstasy was coming her way.
I knew what she wanted, I laid on my back, she quickly gave me access to her core, the taste her nectar she knows I love, happily giving her the pleasure she wanted, licking & sucking the orgasms out of her, not letting her catch her breath.
When we both regained our breath, the sun was slowly rising over the bay.
It was still warm, it was perfect, I felt alive with joy & happiness. We both looked at each other, no words were needed, we could see the love on each other’s faces.
An awful storm hit us, I say it’s awful but really it was just very windy, rainy & cold. Trees came down across the roads, huge gum trees, we were lucky. Our house is fine, we are ok. Other houses were not so lucky.
That’s the thing with living in a forest area, you know in winter with the storms trees will come down, in summer you have to watch for fires.
When you buy a house in this kind of area, you know that’s part of the deal.
This is what makes me really quite cranky, is when residents start to say the trees need to go. I get it if the tree is on their land, & is right next to their house.
However with the trees on nature strips, at the edge of the forest, no, these do not need to go. The trees were here before the houses, the trees are part of the reason we live in a National park zone.
If you didn’t want to live around trees, why buy in this area? This I simply do not understand. I know it’s cheaper here to buy then the city, the blocks & houses are bigger, the schools are less crowded.
I love that my daughter is growing up here, she can ride her bike on the dirt road, she really appreciates nature, loves that she has a forest at her back door. She loves all the native animals she sees, loves learning about the whole ecosystem.
She gets to see the ecosystem working, she can see all the different ways it works, how the environment recycles everything.
She has learnt we should only take what we need, as this is what she sees the environment doing, she sees how even what is discarded by one animal will be used by another.
This to me is education I could not give her, this is nature giving an education. This is how it should be, learning from the land.
I think we can all learn more from watching different ecosystems at work, how nothing is wasted, everything is recycled & they only take what they need.
People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed
The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time
The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown
The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down
There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you
No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars
They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade
Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are
The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry
I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing
Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip
To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders
To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again
To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.
I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to
You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving
I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth
I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move
I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about
You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like
As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.
The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave
I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me
You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me
You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck
You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to
You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off
I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all
As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.
I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again
If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another
I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you
It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours
It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see
The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength
It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.
I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.
My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.
It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.
From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.
As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.
The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.
Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.
So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.
My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.
Maybe next year can be a good one?
I don’t know if it’s the date, or the time of year, or that it’s the start of winter. All I know is that every year guaranteed a few days before my birthday there will be drama, there will be heartache.
Then on my birthday I will either be sick, or someone I am meant to be celebrating with will be sick. I don’t know if the 31st of May is a bad number or if it is just me.
This year I was planning to change it all. For the first time in four years I am happy, I feel more confident, I am discovering me again. I have a girlfriend who loves me, who is intelligent, kind, giving, beautiful, sexy & has a huge heart.
This was my thinking, let the past go. Now people will say that you make your own negativity, I don’t really agree with this, but I have not been, I have been looking forward to it.
So I have been positive, I have even just been letting the little things go. As if on queue on the 27th of May everything went to shit basically.
I won’t go into what happened exactly as part of it involves my daughter, as I am sure you can understand I will protect her like a mama bear.
Let’s just say, someone I trusted, respected, thought I knew, turned out to be someone else. I will not be verbally abused in my own driveway, my daughter paused what she was watching & heard everything through the glass door.
My girlfriend was out, I was in shock, my daughter beside herself. So now we are in this situation, I have been fighting for my wife to be given the best quality of life she can have.
Everything is now upside down. It has now completely steam rolled, last night I had a huge argument with my girlfriend, we both are exhausted for different reasons. So there goes the human touch we both need at the moment.
So Monday is my birthday, yay…. I am now completely convinced my birthday is cursed.
Was it really so much to ask to have one good day?
The pain of past memories can not be contained
The scars are there for all to see, clearly on my skin
They used me, broke me, & threw me away
They can not take my determination to live life to the full
The journey starts with acknowledging what’s been done
If you hide the memories will find you when you are lying in the dark all alone
I started to heal with writing out what’s inside, if I can write it I can say it
This gave me my some power back to say, I am here, I am going to be strong
I questioned so many things on my journey, this is not easy, yes I have my power & life back
This journey will never end, but I choose to rise above, those three evil beings, will not take my future.
When you are walking down the street, browsing at the shops
Someone catches your eye, their beauty you have to admire
You know that you are only admiring, you know they would not look your way
Then they smile, you can see the inside is just as beautiful, you keep walking, just a memory in your mind
Until you see them again, you chat, they flirt a little, you think they are a natural flirt, it’s not because of me
What if they are? What if they see your beauty?
I am far from a catch, I am curvier then most, in both directions
I have so much baggage in so many different forms
I am not beautiful or pretty, just average, when this beautiful woman both inside & out so caring & attentive to the ones she looked after
Started flirting with me, I knew this was not because of me
It was to my surprise I was very wrong, I had done what we all do
I had undervalued myself, in my head made myself believe I was really nothing special
Now I know, I do have qualities I should be proud, do not undervalue yourself
Learn to love what others see in you, do not be ashamed of having self love.
My blood contains my DNA, my biology
It flows through me, it replenishes itself
It cleans out my organs, my blood is essential
Your blood my dear does the same
You have litres of this inside you
Your blood & my blood are different
You do not have my blood, you do not have my biology
I did not give birth to you, but I was the first to hold you
I was so overwhelmed with love for you, we bonded straight away
My beautiful daughter it is not biology that makes a parent
It is how I love you, guide you, respect you
Most of all, give you all the nurturing I can
Believe in you, teach you to believe in yourself
You are not blood of my blood, you are my daughter, I am your mother
The bond we have is stronger then blood.
As I lie here in the dim light
My eyes are hurting, they are so dry
My head is starting the thump of a familiar rhythm
My body is sore, my muscles are so heavy
My back is aching, my joints have all started cracking
My hair seems to be thinning, I have never brushed out some much hair
My mind is the only part of me really on full speed
The problem is, it keeps doing its own things, when I think of things I have to do
I am presented with a think fog of vague awareness
My memory which is usually perfect, has caught a virus, no information can be retained
I roll over to try to get comfortable, I am met with a sudden hot flush
I kick the sheet off, the moment I do
There is nothing but doom, it’s a horrendous feeling, it won’t last long
It’s enough to get the anxiety pumping, the doom is worse then it sounds
I finally feel like I can sit up, drink some water, try to be calm
This is not a rarity for me, this is a common night for the last 12 months
I know one day I will sleep again, I just need to rest my head.
I open my back door, glass sliding door, the fly screen is still closed
The smell of eucalyptus & gum trees come wafting in, surrounding me, & filling the house
I open the flatscreen & step outside, closing my eyes & breathing in deep through my nose
I can hear the trees moving with the wind, the kookaburras are having a great laugh
The cockatoos are there, sqwarking & eating any seeds or gum nuts they see
There is another, what is that call I can hear, I slowly open my eyes & look up
The rainbow lorikeet is soaring above, there must be 6 all flying around
The peace I feel within, from the smell, the sounds, & the nature all around
Nothing can replace this kind of peace,
It’s the peace of knowing you are home, within the great outdoors.
Love is an emotion, it can fill us up or empty us out. Love is one of the few emotions that we can not always choose who we give it to, it has a life & mind all of its own.
Love can be fickle, play on our fears, or bring out our strengths, it can last a lifetime or just a month. Love is that feeling, when you touch someone you love in a intimate way, you can not get enough, the sound of their pleasure feels almost as good as your own.
The only surety with love is emotional pain & happiness. When you love you know at some stage you will be hurt, no matter how happy you are, it may not be intentional, sometimes all it takes is careless words spoken in anger.
So is love perfect? Yes it is the perfect emotion to drive us to be better, however no, it can cause such distress you can barely tolerate it.
Maybe in the end, it is perfect for a lifetime, as you learn more about each other, tolerate those little things you dislike. Maybe love was not meant to be short term.
Those days when emotionally you are on the verge
You know everything is ok, but the tears still want to flow
It’s an awful feeling to have within, to hide the sadness
There is no understanding why the sadness is there
It just appears, takes over, leaving you hollow
These days I wish would never come, I want to ban them from within
If only life was that simple, if only our hormones would stay quiet
As a woman once you reach a certain age
These days become familiar, no matter your predisposition
You will learn to fight, to wrestle your happiness back
Trust those who love you, they will fill you up.
I sit down & close my eyes
I focus on the soft sound of the wind
I feel the breeze on my face
I can hear cows in the distance
I can hear no cars or machinery
No ringing phones or tv noise
I can hear the quiet of the mountain top
I can feel the dampness of the grass
I can smell that sweet grass smell
I open my eyes, the view
It stops my breath for a minute
The rolling hills they just seem to go on
They are almost alive with the patterns of the grass
The sun is starting to set, the colours are just about even with the top hill
I take a deep breath, I can calm my chaotic mind
I let thoughts just drift through, I don’t hang in to any
Finally I lie on my back
I enjoy the quiet & crisp cold air
I feel at peace, calm, refreshed
I know it is time to go, I will be back quite soon.
My family on my fathers side have a superstition in the blood lines, I always used to tell my Grandma that she was making things up, there was no way what she was saying was true. To me it was not something I wanted to think about, my imagination was far too active.
Here it is, generations ago when my family had just arrived in England, they were Vikings, they were very spiritual in their beliefs, so the story goes. They used to call on their elders, the ones that have passed, they called on their wisdom, strength, bravery & leadership.
The next generation did the same, but things started to change, they still called on the elders, but they were becoming aware of the religion starting to take hold. They swore to uphold the family tradition even if this meant keeping it all a secret, they would only call on the elders when absolutely needed, otherwise they would just block it all out.
There was a repercussion to ignoring all they have learnt, suddenly they started to hear voices inside their head, it was not their voice, as they all started to hear it, they started to discuss, they soon realized it was the voices of those that had passed, sometimes family & friends, other times it was not anyone they knew.
This stayed with the family, it would not leave, they learnt to control this, they learnt to call on the elders to assist when needed, they then learnt they could let some spirits finally rest, finally be free of what kept them here.
This was passed down through the generations until it became a gift only one would receive, upon the death of the one who held the gift, they would choose the next family member to take on this family superstition.
This story to me was a farce, this could not be true, until I was 12 & 4 months, I was at a birthday party, I was having such fun, I had my best dress on, my hair had been done, it was the first time I had been happy in weeks, at home my Grandma was slowly dying, she lived with us, it was hard to watch.
At exactly 14:05 just as I was having a laugh, about a balloon that had not worked, & it looked very odd, I suddenly burst into tears, not the tears from crying, it was sobbing, I felt ripped apart, I knew my Grandmother had died. I heard a voice whisper through my head, it is yours now my darling, I will always be with you, call me when you need me.
I knew what this was, I didn’t believe for some time, now I can tell you it is all very real, the great thing is I can always call on the loved ones I have lost.
There are moments we can not explain
There are things that happen with no reason
We look for the logic that has to be there
For the rationale to explain it
We even use our imagination to convince ourselves it never happened
Do you remember the last time a photo fell, no reason for this, it was secure in a frame, it could not fall of the wall
The photo was held down to ensure it could not blow away, the last time a family heirloom just appeared, you forgot you had it
There are not happenings you can ignore
These instances can not be explained by logic
There is a energy that exists, along side us as we walk through life
You will sense it every now & then, a familiar smell in the air, a distinctive feeling you had around a loved one
The ones we love who have passed on, they do not leave us here alone
They are here, sometimes they want to remind you of who you are,
Where you have come from, & that they are with you
Next time a photo falls with no reason, or you can smell a familiar scent or get that feeling
Don’t ignore it, open yourself to them, tell them you are ok, tell them you do feel them, you have not forgotten.
He sits on the cold blue stone, an old cardboard box is his only comfort
His hair has been shaved, just a slight covering of short hair to protect his head
If you look close enough, you can see the blue tinge of cold skin
His shoes have holes, he had no socks on, his pants were dirty, the grime of the street had changed the colour from green to brown
His jacket is an old checkered shirt, tears are clear to see
You know when the wind blows he would feel it go through him
His jacket is torn, he tries to pull the jacket together, as he does another rip appears
A woman walks by, quickly her feet go, the sound of her heels getting quicker as she ignores what is right in front of her
She is determined to look straight ahead, pulling her daughter as quick as she can, the look of disgust on her face is clear, no effort is given to hiding this
The girl looks at him confused, with concern in her eyes, has not been taught to fear him, or presume who & what he must be, he has no doubt the mother will instil this in her to ensure she is not lead astray
This ignorance he is used to, the presumption of who and what he must be, the way they think he lives his life, the reason he must be homeless & unwashed
He used to try to engage them in conversation, he doesn’t anymore, he just shakes his head as they walk on by
This was a behaviour he was used to, people found it easier to ignore him then face the failure of a neglectful society
Too many like him, he thinks to himself have been forgotten, they live at a address unknown, they do not have a place to call home
They do not know where the next meal is coming from, or if they will eat at all
The hardest part he has to witness, is the younger generation appearing on the streets
If men & women like him don’t look out for them, they are prey for those with no morals
He thinks to himself, it would not take much to change a few things, change societies perception of those like him
To understand it is the minority that have addictions, most like him have been left with nothing, due to the failure of society, & a population that does seem to care about the likes of him.
Today it’s Mother’s Day, I know how hard being a mum is, but really it should just be parent day. Families are all different.
For those who have bad times
For those that second guess themselves
For those who doubt themselves
For those who do it alone
For those who have ones with angel wings
For those who struggle every day yet somehow manage to get it done
For those that are a chosen parent
For those that have taken on others children & love them as their own
For the grandparents raising another generation
For those who are separated by distance, time or circumstances
This is for you, to remind you
You are doing great, you have no manual to follow
You do what you believe is right, no one else can ask anymore from you
You give unconditional love, you give them such care
For now give yourself a break, remember you are the best mum for them.
These children of ours will one day tell us how much they appreciate all we did
Happy Parents Day!!!!
The passion of a new love is all consuming
It’s amazing how long this can last, the fire in your blood when you hear their voice
The way your stomach fills with butterflies when you see their car pull up
You constantly smooth your hair & clothes trying to be discreet
As time moves on you get into a routine, both of your lives changing to accommodate the relationship
Then you notice the passion of new love has gone, but if you are lucky like me
It is replaced with passion you know is real, long lasting passion
You may notice like me that the butterflies come round, not all the time, but quite often they appear
I still put the effort into making sure I look good, I want her to know I do that for her, to make sure she knows she is special
I try to make sure everything is as it should be, sometimes I get this not quite right
When you show her what she means, how much you appreciate & love her body, don’t hold back, make sure she knows you are wanting to please her
When you are done she should be so sated, her legs are jelly & she drifts into a slumber
The effort is there to make it clear, the passion is love, this love is real, I love you for all that you are, never change who you are, you are amazing the way you are.
You hit me with your pain, I turn it into beauty
Do not think I am breakable, I am stronger then you know
When you push me to my limits, as you do every single person
I will not let you bring me down, I will not let you take my inner shine away
I know we are in your hands, as fate, you have many surprises in store
When you think I am about to break, my dear fate
With all the pressure I feel inside, I will turn my pain into diamonds, I will let them shine within.
The moment you were born, I fell in love with you, just like you love your favourite teddy
I knew your name as soon as I saw your face, just like you name your dolls as soon as you open them
I knew we were going to be a great team, just like when you met Percy Puppy, you knew you would have fun together
I knew you were going to be a chatter box, the moment you opened your mouth, your cry was healthy & strong, just like your cat, who cried loud when we met her, she wanted to be with you
The next thing I told you was that I love you morest & mostest, now before sleep we see who can say it fastest first
Then I told you, you have two loving Mums, you are so lucky, you have a donor but we do not know him
I told you what a special gift you are, you are a IVF baby, we waited 5 long years for you
As you grow you will come to know you have no dad, but you do have three loving uncles, & two loving grandfathers to guide you
I said all this then, I still say it now, you are proud of your family, you know there is no secret
Now when we talk, you have three Mums. We all love you, two of us guide you, and one loves you endlessly & cheers you on.
Everyday I think of things to tell you
Everyday I know there is no text coming
Everyday I have moments where I feel empty
Everyday I remind myself I am your daughter
Everyday I tell myself how strong you were
Everyday I have a memory of laughter
I know you are saying
I will always be right here
I know may not see me, but I know you feel my presence
I am proud of you remember that
I know you have my strength
I always knew you had intelligence
I can see you are happy
I know this was a battle
It’s ok to grieve, we are all allowed to feel
When it’s time, let them watch you stand back up
Let them watch you flourish again.
I tell you something, something secret, no one is really meant to know
Gnomes are magical, we can do all sorts of magic, we each have a skill with magic
We can change the elements, fire, wind, water & air quite lucky we are
I have a daughter called gnomez, now she is one of the blessed ones
She has the magic for all four, I have seen her do some incredible things
There was once a human boy, just a wee thing, he was climbing the tree
He was having such fun, all of a sudden his foot slipped & he was left hanging with one hand
He tried to hold on, but he was not strong enough, all too quickly he started to fall
Well Gnomez raced up, we can run fast did you know
She closed her eyes, & with all her concentration & will inside
She thrust the air his way, then she called the wind under him
He started to fall slower, by the time he was almost to the ground
She flipped him up, & he landed on his feet
So, now you know, if you could keep this secret to yourself, that would be grand.
I am in a room of people, I can smell a mixture of cheap perfume, aftershave that has been applied heavily, there is a undertone of body odour from a day in the office
My feet are hurting, damm these heels! I know they look good, but they are not worth the pain, my hair is done up, for a change I decided to tie it up, not so much hair in my face
As I am about to go & find a drink, I notice out of the corner of my eye a woman looking back at me, she has put effort into how she looks, but her hair is messy, not smoothly tied up, & the make up, no there is no make up
I breathe & it hits me, that is me! I forgot make up, my hair is a bit of a mess, my top is a too loose, my pant…. STOP
All of a sudden the anxiety express starts, my breathing starts to increase, there is a layer of sweat on my hands, the room is hot, too hot, my chest, the pain is starting again
I struggle to get out the door, walking into people & spilling drinks, I know everyone is looking, wondering who invited the crazy girl
They will be thinking I look like a mess, no effort put into how I look, they will think I am drunk, the reason I can’t walk straight
I get outside, I sit down & curl my knees up, I know what I have to do now, talk the anxiety back into it’s box
As hard as I try, the anxiety keeps clawing & biting, taking all my strength, until with one last try down it goes, time for me to go, I can make it home
This is the reason I stay at home, I can only go out when I am feeling strong, stronger then anxiety.
As she lay in bed she could feel her body & mind changing, after the last 48 hours she desperately needed this reprieve. It wasn’t that she wasn’t used to her emotions overwhelming her, she just hated the numbness they brought with them.
She often just let this take over, let is the wrong word, she often felt like she had no control over this numbness taking over her, & she hated it, whenever this happened she just walked away from relationships, it was too much.
This time things were different, her partner had taken the time to read about & learn how numbness can be sent packing.
No one else, including herself had ever even given this any time, no one bothered to understand her mental health, but this one, she did, & it changed everything.
There was a way to stop the numbness taking over, & she was not alone, to know so many others struggled with this made her feel more normal, more understood.
This time when her emotions started to take over she didn’t have to fight the numbness, after fighting it several times her mind knew what to do. It was not something she even really had to think about.
Lying in bed the sense of relief is huge, oh she knows there will be times she has to fight it, but not this time.
The love she has for her partner is filling her heart, not the emptiness she is used to after some bad arguments. She wants to cuddle her partner let her know she loves her.
This is new, this is how it should be she thought. She knows she is lucky, she knows this is a moment to remember.
Some days it seems like I am just flooded with memories, something starts them off, & they just don’t stop.
It’s a double edged sword having an almost photographic memory. I remember everything people say to me, even the little things that don’t matter. What I love most, I remember every moment of watching my daughter grow.
The other side is I remember all the ugly things from my life. All the moments I want to forget, the moments that you realise you were right about someone, they were not who you thought they were.
It could be something someone said or did, maybe just a smell or a taste. Then one of those memories will start up, playing like a movie in your mind.
Before you know it, you are flooded by memories, the emotions start, you can feel the tears start to build, your chest gets tighter, you start to feel empty, yet there is pain & that feeling of being betrayed. This all happens at once, before you know it, you are wanting to just curl up & go to sleep.
Does anyone else experience this? Or is it just me? Am I the only one that associates smell with memories? I don’t think I could be, as the sense of smell is the most reliable memory, according to experts.
So today, I had a really good day, then I was hit with all of this. For an hour or so I was too overwhelmed to do much about it, then I said no, not today. If this was a PTSD memory I would not have been able to.
So here I sit, starting to feel more me again. I am aware that not everyone can turn their moods around, my father taught me so many things, this was something he taught me, as my mind is like his, it never stops.
You also may have noticed, I love a good filter! 😏
The last few weeks have been so up & down, mental health has been all over the place for the whole household, & for me as well perimenopause. It’s horrendous.
However last week everything took a turn for the better, everything settled, no arguments, everyone was happy, it was a different household.
This is when sometimes you get lucky, it’s been a process to get here, for both my partner & myself to adjust to everything, to the changes that were thrust upon us at the start of the year.
We knew we would move in together at some point, the timing just had to be right to make sure not only was it right for us, but my 10 year old daughter.
However fate disagreed, my partners brother, who was living with her, & paying rent, which paid part of the mortgage suddenly passed away at the age of 34.
Within 48 hours of this a decision had to be made, does she move in here, or try to pay a mortgage alone. The answer to most would be clear, but you don’t want to move in with your partner under these sort of circumstances.
We made the decision, by the end of the week we were officially living together. The mood in the house was depressive to say the least, 24 hours after her brother died my father died.
You want your partners support going through such grief, we were both frustrated that we could not have this as it should be, as we were both in such deep grief.
We worked through it, made changes, cleared things up, most of all, we learnt the best way for us to communicate.
So, as much as this year has been a struggle, I still feel lucky. I still feel as though I have been given a second chance.
You kiss me hard
as you unbutton my shirt
expertly slip off my bra
and pull up my skirt
I lead you to our bed
Sit you down on the edge
and start to explore
I take my time whilst I can
We both know you will be deliciously ready soon
My lips press into every inch of you
As you start moving your hips in desire
As vulnerable as you are lying there
exposed, legs apart
Not anything I see other then love & lust in your eyes
I pull you up, move your back up against our headboard
I slowly start to make my way down to your ready core
I know you want to watch, to see how much I enjoy tasting you
You love to watch me licking you
I lick extra slow, the feeling I get knowing you are watching
Starts me squirming, I know this won’t be for long
As soon as you start riding me, I can’t help but let me body release
The moment I do, I feel you shudder in pleasure
I taste all of you, I swirl my tongue around inside you
as you grab my hand
Squeezing mine as you reach your climax
I know this is just the first, the warm up release
I plan to ensure you are licked dry by the time I am through
As you roll your head back in pleasure
I start changing my rhythm again
As I start your body reacts
I know your body is getting ready again
After we are both sated, we lie bodies entangled, our love a bridge glowing between us.
The way the light skimmed over your curves, the light of the sun caressing each curve
The way it lit up your skin, every part of your soft skin exposed seemed to be shimmering
It was memorising to see, your perfect body reflected at me, I feel so fortunate to be the one you have chosen
Your skin was showing me exactly how soft & touchable it is
Breathing even & deep, your hands are softly lying on the sheet, fingers slightly bent
Your long legs are almost stretched out, just a slight bend at the knee, your favourite way to lie
Your hips are lying towards the sheet, you will move on to your stomach in your sleep
Your lips are slightly parted, plump & kissable your lips always look like an invitation to me
You slowly move one arm, you are deep asleep, yet your hand starts searching for me
I take your hand, I rub your back, you let out a deep breath, relaxing that much more
You make a small sound, it is the sound of contentment
This is all I need to hear and see, this is all I need to fall into my own deep slumber
Before I do I appreciate the most amazing part of you, the light inside of you
This burns bright, you love so passionately and fully, you are so loyal and protective of our family
This is what I love most, you love me I know, you also love my girl, who now is our girl
She adores you and loves you, just like you do her, your guidance and assurance you give to her
This has changed her life. As you lie in the sun, as my eyes close, I know we are lucky, and she is lucky to have 3 Mums.
Don’t worry, there is nothing to fear
I live inside you, I am the one that taunts you
Inside your head, who makes you question yourself
Who makes you doubt those around you
Do not be afraid, I just needed to stretch
I felt as if you were trying to push me out
My space inside was getting smaller and smaller
Almost as if you were taking back control
I promise you now, that I will fight to keep control, there is nothing you can do or feel to banish me
I exist inside you, I am part of you, I am sure you love me
Love is such an odd emotion, if that’s what I feel you have towards me
I do not think this is quite right, as lately there is a new feeling inside
It really makes me very sick, I can not tolerate this pure feeling
So if you don’t mind, please allow me some more room, & stop this pure, happy feeling
I would appreciate it
You will hear from me again soon I can assure you
Just as soon as I find out why I am locked out.
I sit in silence under the tree
I have my back against the rough bark
I can feel the different textures of bark through my tee shirt
I have my eyes closed
But I know this tree
It’s so big I can’t fit my arms around it
It’s trunk is strong, it’s tall & wide
There aren’t many branches until you look further up
The top of the tree is full of big branches, all covered with green leaves
Once in awhile you will see a koala sitting up there
I can hear the wind building getting ready to blow
As it starts the slight smell of eucalyptus starts wafting
As it gets stronger I can hear the leaves rustling, I can imagine them dancing in the wind
As the wind gets stronger I hear the big branches start to creak
This is the moment I look up & open my eyes
To watch the majestic tree dance in the wind
I feel at peace, I breathe in the strong smell of eucalyptus
I take in all the different green of the leaves
This is where my mind is finally still & quiet
This is my quiet, this is my place to be completely still & quiet.
I sit down at the table outside, it’s dark, the moon is so bright, it’s one of those nights you can see clearly in the dark
The cold tonight is chilling, I can feel it seeping in to me, taking my heat away
Just then I hear a loud hoot hoot, the owls are starting up the nightly hunt, I know when I go to bed I will hear there song all night long
The owls are very fond of the old tree by my bedroom window, I know I am so lucky
I know all the other animals are out, jumping, hopping & walking, going about their nightly routine
Just as I am about to stand, it’s far too cold tonight, almost as if the temperature suddenly dropped, a strange feeling comes over me
I know I am not alone, there are animals all around, many eyes I can’t see are watching me
No, this is not what I feel, I feel the presence of and soul
One that used to roam this land, who treated the land with respect
Who gave thanks for all he had, who returned all he took back to the land
Who only took what he needed, never more, never fulfilling a want
No, he is one who knew how this land should be loved, should be given more each day to survive
I can feel his worry, his sorrow for the land he loved, the land he taught his children to love & respect
I can feel his dismay that the land is withering away, that too many wants are being meet
I can feel so deeply within me, how he is devastated from all he sees
How the pain he feels inside for the land, is the same for him as if he is losing a loved one
I can feel his confusion, how did we get it so wrong, he is confused as to why respect is not shown to the land that provides us with so much of what we need
I go to open my mouth, to try to say, I can feel you, I know you are there, I understand your confusion, devastation & grief
I know I should, instead I say I can feel you, I too feel the same as you, I wish I could explain
The only reassurance I can give you, is some of us are trying to make it right
I am sorry for all you see, I am sorry the land has been abused
Please, take my apologies & try to find some peace, visit with the animals before you go
I am sure they will have their own stories to tell of what you see
Thank you for loving this land, I will take your hurt, & turn it into resolution
To make sure I teach my daughter how to love her land
One seems such a small number, sometimes one is all it takes.
I woke up to a room, the colour was gold, I knew this room was cream
It took me a minute, then it clicked, it was sunrise of course
I had stayed at my parents house, it was the morning after my father’s funeral
Sunrise was special to Dad, he made a point of watching it, telling me the sun on the sea is gods fingers
I reached over, unlocked the sliding door in my parents spare room & let the air in
The smell of the sea filled the room, I could hear the waves crashing, I knew this will be no ordinary sunrise, it’s the morning after Dads funeral
I stepped out the glass sliding door, keeping my head down
I walked over the cool outdoor tiles, feeling the roughness of dried salt water on my feet
I stood at their fence, it reaches to just above my waist
I take a deep breath, inhaling the sea air again, I raise my head, I finally open my eyes
My eyes are seeing something so beautiful my brain is not quite understanding
The sun is gold, there is a beautiful light gold halo around the sun, this changes to a light red
The sun is stretching its fingers, I trace them with my eyes
The reflection on the sea is that same as in the sky
I am looking at a double sunrise, the sea is calm the reflection not moving
I can’t help but be overcome, the beauty memorising
I knew in my heart, Dad was saying it’s ok, I am ok, you are too my beautiful daughter.
Trigger warning sexual assault.
In case you missed the above this could be a trigger for sexual assault survivors.
PTSD four little letters, the meaning most people seem to think it must be combat related.
This is so wrong, I do not understand why they don’t see trauma as a whole, any trauma can cause PTSD.
For me, well I have 2, one more recent & I 20 years ago.
You know that girl you see at parties in your 20’s, she is confident, an extravert, can make anyone smile, she actually cares about people, she makes people feel listened to.
I was that girl, people have always just opened up to me. Always feeling comfortable around me, I never said no, people need to be heard.
On such a night at a party, I was being me, when a ‘friend’ asked if he could talk to me alone. He had a girlfriend, he has often been very open, he had earned my trust.
I am not going to go into details, I don’t really want to or feel it’s necessary. I did say yes, I did go to chat with him. That is the only thing I said yes to, to talk.
He made it very clear he was not a fan of lesbians that night, something I was not aware of.
Yes this was assault & a gay hate crime.
I ran home that night, I only told one person, I felt ashamed, I felt degraded, I felt dirty & I was sure the authorities would just think, oh another hate crime.
The authorities were not great at dealing with gay hate crimes in the 90’s, often they went unreported because of this, & the way women were treated when they did come forward.
I kept it to myself for 7 years until I had a breakdown. There is only so long you can keep it all inside.
I finally told my partner, then my parents. My parents were beside themselves, my dad felt like he should have protected me, my mum was upset she hadn’t pushed me, she knew something was very wrong.
I was no longer the extravert, the confident girl, I was the anxiety ridden one in the corner. Trying to hide from people I didn’t know, & some I did.
It has taken years to get to a stage where I can talk about it, & not break down. Actually be able to move on as much as I can.
Then something will happen, for me a trigger I was not expecting, I thought I was ok, no I was not. It built up, depression kicked in, then bang, every single moment of that night is a movie on repeat in my mind.
Now I start the road back again, I wish it was that easy. This road is so narrow, with cliffs on either side, if you fall, you start all over again.
It’s a steep road, exhausting to climb, it will take every bit of your strength to make it. Not just physically, it’s your mental strength. It will push you off if it can.
So, I am going to get ready, try to pull what strength I have together, find strength in those around me that love me.
Let my girlfriend hold me in her arms & give me some peace. Let me soothe the open wound.
This is my story, my journey. Every person’s story & journey is different.
We all do have one thing in common, we know we are all climbing all the time, we all gather our strength when we can. We all know how it feels to fall, but also how it feels to reach the summit.
To my girlfriend, Babe you are even more then I can express. Thank you for loving me, accepting me & my situation. For taking on being a Mum & you have blown me away. Xo
This woman of mine is a force of nature, one of a kind, the sort of woman you dream of but is never real.
This woman is real, her flesh is soft & she tastes of honey.
Her eyes sparkle in the sun, she saves a special smile just for me.
To my woman you have my heart, you stand tall everyday as you have come further then you know.
To face your fear in the eyes
And know that you are stronger then you believe
I will be right here beside you, I will listen have patience
I will show kindness, love & care
I will be your strength when you feel weak, I will pull you up when you feel low
Do not doubt my commitment to you
From here on it will be you & me
Don’t ever feel you are not enough to me my love you are more then enough.
You have given yourself a path in life that was unexpected, you have done this for me.
Ever been so hurt you can’t cry, you can’t move, you are stuck
Stuck in no mans land full of pain, rejection & emptiness
The person who hurt you is standing right there, they are not aware you can not move
They have gone into another place, they have dissociated
This was not their intent, they did not mean to, but in a moment of anger
To protect themselves, without meaning to they locked the emotions away
The way they look at you, the love is just not there, locked up for the moment
Along with the care & understanding, they are right there watching you cry
It hurts, it cuts so deep you can’t express the pain you are in
They just don’t seem to care at all, this is like jagged glass cutting your heart in half
The pain goes into your every cell, you can feel yourself slipping straight into the dark hole
The pain is so intense it almost knocks you out, maybe that would be better you think
Then a little part of you remembers it’s not their fault
This is a part of them they can’t always control
They can control coming back, you know this inside
You know they want to, but the resistance within them is so strong
You are the anchor to their ship that tries to sail away
Stand up out of that dark hole, don’t let them look away
Show them your pain, show them you care, show them you will be there
Take them in your arms, let them relax & feel safe for a minute
Then ask them to look within, to find the embers of the fire that burns for you
Tell them to Stoke that fire, bring them back to you
As hard as it is, you know this will happen again, you will need to rescue them
You know also that the love you have is more fulfilling & joyous then the occasional pain of the disassociation.
I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.
Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.
She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.
The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.
As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.
So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.
It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?
I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.
It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.
I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.
So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.
By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.
We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.
My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.
At least that is my hope.
One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.
It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.
Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.
It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.
When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.
You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.
So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.
It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.
Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.
I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.
As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.
It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.
You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.
So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.
That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.
However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.
I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.
We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.
For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.
Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.
If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.
Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.
This week has been huge for me, I never thought I would actually be able to put my work out there. For me what I write is very personal, it is me in written form.
I have been writing for as long as I can remember, I always kept everything locked away, the only people to really read anything was my parents.
This January my father passed away, he always encouraged me to put my work out there, I really didn’t think anyone would relate to what I write.
This week I have learnt that people appreciate honesty, they appreciate writing that comes from the heart, they also like the small details.
I have been humbled by the feedback I have been given. To hear so many people related & had a strong emotional response, is beyond what I was expecting.
So for now, it’s back to the writing, new work & editing old work. There is plenty more to come.
I hope you enjoy what you read. Please do leave a comment or any feedback you may have. ❤️
For my father. Thank you for always believing in me.
He stands up against the bar, his glass of scotch & ice lifted to his lips
His other hand holds a pipe, just like the one his grandfather smoked
The smell of scotch & tobacco is heavy in the air
A warm breeze blows through the open door, it lightly ruffles his wavy short black hair
He can hear his son & daughter playing by the pond, always happy to be together
They are his pride & joy, a strapping brown haired boy, smart & inquisitive by nature
His daughter is a bubbly blonde, always chatting & smiling, he knows people are fooled by this, they do not expect her to be so intelligent & witty
They are both well spoken, both well versed on all he has taught them
As his mind is drifting he can sense a familiar presence, one that brings him peace & calm
He looks across the bar to see a beautiful blonde, self assured, a little smile on her face
Her blue eyes are twinkling, he can see she is well dressed
As he looks at her, he still can’t believe, this beautiful woman in front choose to make a life with him
Their shared history is passed between them without a word spoken, they both can tell what each other is thinking with just a glance
His beautiful wife let’s him know it’s almost time for the kids to go to bed, he nods in acknowledgment, not looking away
As she walks off he gets lost in his thoughts, his mind never stops
He knows he has a gift, he knows his way of thinking is unique, but he can feel that this will do him well in his life
As an older man he stands against a different bar, more of a short wall, facing the sea
The smell of the sea fills his senses, the sound of the waves crashing is what he concentrates on
He knows that his time is short, he knows that the sun won’t rise for him much longer
His beautiful wife come to stand beside him, lovingly wrapping a blanket around him & helps him to the bed
As he lies down he thinks back of all he has achieved, his work was a huge success, he knows he has left a mark for another to take on.
He knows this will take time, there are not many who are so intelligent & dignified in all they do
Not only as a thinker, but also as the last of the old gentleman left, a true gentleman through & through
His children all grown up, now with children of their own, he thinks of how amazed he is to watch his children be capable & loving parents, he never doubted they would, he knew they doubted themselves
He could not be prouder of all they have achieved, challenges they have faced, all the trauma they have conquered, in this he especially thinks of his blonde daughter & granddaughter, of the loss & grief they have suffered of their lives torn apart
He knows he has done all he can, he knows he has fought hard, he knows he has taught them well, he knows he has shown them everything he could, he knows it is time to say goodbye
His ever loving wife wraps her arms around him, bringing the peace he needs.
The peace he needs to let go, to leave his ailing body behind, to leave the pain & suffering, to finally be at peace.
EllPoet Emotionally Raw Poetry. 