Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Sometimes you get lucky.

The last few weeks have been so up & down, mental health has been all over the place for the whole household, & for me as well perimenopause. It’s horrendous.

However last week everything took a turn for the better, everything settled, no arguments, everyone was happy, it was a different household.

This is when sometimes you get lucky, it’s been a process to get here, for both my partner & myself to adjust to everything, to the changes that were thrust upon us at the start of the year.

We knew we would move in together at some point, the timing just had to be right to make sure not only was it right for us, but my 10 year old daughter.

However fate disagreed, my partners brother, who was living with her, & paying rent, which paid part of the mortgage suddenly passed away at the age of 34.

Within 48 hours of this a decision had to be made, does she move in here, or try to pay a mortgage alone. The answer to most would be clear, but you don’t want to move in with your partner under these sort of circumstances.

We made the decision, by the end of the week we were officially living together. The mood in the house was depressive to say the least, 24 hours after her brother died my father died.

You want your partners support going through such grief, we were both frustrated that we could not have this as it should be, as we were both in such deep grief.

We worked through it, made changes, cleared things up, most of all, we learnt the best way for us to communicate.

So, as much as this year has been a struggle, I still feel lucky. I still feel as though I have been given a second chance.

Triggers – living with PTSD.

I have been living with PTSD for 20 years. I generally have control over this as it’s something I’ve learnt over the years. But sometimes in life something will happen or someone says something.

Working in customer service for a government organisation, I didn’t think anything would happen that would trigger me. Today I learnt I was wrong. A distressed mother called in, and she talking about her daughter and something that’s happened to her and it’s the similar , very similar to my trauma.

She’s obviously not aware of my own experiences or my own mental health issues, why would she be, she doesn’t know me I don’t know her.

The way she was talking made it clear that she was unsure what to do, where to go, who to speak to, how to get help how to help. The issue for me was the biggest issue she called the wrong place she called a place that could not help her.

As in this is not an issue that we deal with. There are some departments where I work that would deal with traumatic events on a basis of referring that person to the correct service or psychologist. It’s not something they would do on an ongoing basis.

So as you can imagine this is not something I ever expected to get a call on and it threw me. All of a sudden I was plunged back into the memories and the pain of my own trauma.

It wasn’t just my trauma I was thinking what if it was my daughter. What if my daughter went through a similar trauma, how would I react?

I would panic, I would do everything I could to make sure she has the all the help she needs, if she told me.

It dawned on me not only can we not protect our children from everything as they get older, once they are an adult doing there own things, living their own life, but how do we make sure she tells us if something happens.

I didn’t tell my parents for years I was ashamed, & felt like I had done something wrong, & I knew how distressed they would be.

So, for me this is something I really need to figure out, our daughter is very open, but she is 10, when she is 20 that could be very different.

By the time she is a teenager we need to ensure she feels safe talking to us, & knowing we won’t judge or get angry, we will listen first.

We will make sure she knows that we will support her in every way we can. My parents did this, but it was a different time 20 years ago, some things were not talked about.

My own trauma is my trauma, I deal with this, & I do not hide I have mental health issues from our daughter. Hopefully by showing our daughter how to live & be happy with all sorts of issues, she will feel comfortable talking about everything.

At least that is my hope.

Honesty.

One subject I receive direct messages about is honesty, how being so honest & raw is quite hard, & how much they appreciate that I am.

It does take guts to be completely honest, no holes barred, just the raw emotion. I run on emotions, I feel everything very deeply, & I am hurt easily by those I love.

Sometimes I do write when I am in that place of hurt, a relationship is not all roses, if you really love someone, you will be hurt.

It’s not a bad thing to be hurt, I am not talking about the the big things, I am talking about little things, you feeling they were critical of you, when all they did was ask if you remembered to do something.

When you commit to someone this is something to remember, you will be hurt, you will get angry & you will argue.

You will also laugh, you will love, have fun, explore each other’s body in the most pleasurable way. You will have more good times then bad.

So for me honesty is important, & when I write I write from the heart, the hurt, the pleasure or the emotions involved.

It is hard to bare your soul, but I think it is important to be honest & vulnerable, I want to teach my daughter to be honest.

Not to hide how she is feeling, allow herself to feel things, so she never has to give herself permission to be happy, it’s an emotion she will just feel, along with depression if or when it comes calling. She will be able to voice it, talk about it.

I see others who are honest & I always make a point of saying thank you, as sometimes it is not easy.

As for how my partner feels having my emotions & the effect she has written about for everyone to read? She is in awe, as to her being able to express herself clearly emotionally has always been a struggle.

Emotions flooded me this week.

It’s been one of those weeks, everything is going great in life, seems almost too great. Of course this is the reality of life.

You know the minute everything is in synch that something is about to fall out of sync. It’s a double edged sword, I know I try to appreciate the great times in life, trying not to even think about something going a stray.

So this week, my little writing passion took a big leap forward, my employment I was asked to commit further hours, my daughter is as happy as can be, my relationship is great, both of us having mental health issues it can be rocky at times.

That is of course what happened, both of us feeling exhausted & emotional took what the other said the wrong way.

However neither of us really thought about what we were saying & how the other may interrupt what was said. We are like chalk & cheese in many areas in life, the way we think is no different.

I am overally emotional, my partner can seem very unemotional, this can rub the wrong way.

We love each, respect each other, we generally communicate well. We don’t take each other for granted, we appreciate each other.

For me I learnt a lesson I already knew, we both did, we just needed to be reminded.

Think about what you say before you say it, when you are reactive & emotional. Take the time to think how the person reading or hearing it will interrupt what you have said.

If both of us had done this, we would still be waiting for something to fall out of sync.

Just for my two cents, even when you do argue, make sure your partner knows that you still love them, your life is with them. An argument can really bring out insecurities.

The love of a lifetime – dedicated to a special family friend.

There are some people who meet in life who are just meant to be together, their energies mix together, with no thought at all

They meet sometimes when they are too young, too early to make a life long commitment

The love is strong, they do not realise this will stay with them, when they meet again their energy attaches to one another

She is soft, so beautiful, a slight accent can be heard, as generous with all she has, sometimes to a fault

She is light, comfort, a force of nature in his eyes, his future he can see the minute they meet again, his soul calling hers to come & be as one

He is a tall strapping man, she can’t help but to stare, she can feel the pull of 2 souls that should be together

He is her safety, her protector from the harshness of life, he will not let her struggle in her life she knows

Together they make a new life, blissful happiness can seem like a dream to so many, they have no struggle to live in blissful love

As life goes on, tragically the unexpected can happen, deaths in the family of younger ones, children who struggle to make it on their own

They know together they can get through all of the pain, together they know they are stronger, together they are one

Late in life our bodies do change, our health is not the same, bones broken are harder to heal, other ailments do appear these are sometimes harder to see

For 2 souls who are together as one, this can be heartbreaking to see

For him he hates to see her struggling with the simplest tasks, the every day occurrence not seeming so effortless now

For her, she is in awe, he stands by her, he lifts her up, he gives her a reason to make the effort, he gives her the strength she needs inside everyday

Life is such a fickle mistress, you never know what she will do next, but when you see 2 souls as 1, she can change things all she likes

There will be no breaking of these 2, they will stand strong, they will love each other in such a way, it is like breathing, no effort is needed, their love is pure, no darkness will seep in

The peace in their souls will not be disturbed, this kind of love is rare to see, it will last well beyond the length of life.

Resilience of a child’s heart.

As I sit here on my deck, seeing the trees dance in the wind, the branches every now & then make a creaking sound

The grass is green, it’s just been mowed, the smell of freshly mowed grass lingers in the air

I can hear the native birds flying above, playing in the sky, like tiny kites that dip & flow at will, calling to each other as they soar effortlessly

I reach for my coffee, I can smell the divine scent, the first taste is bliss, it lingers on my tongue, the bitterness I can taste then the sweetness of sugar, finally the creaminess of milk that makes my coffee perfect

Days like this I feel whole, I feel light, there is happiness within me, there is no effort to notice the beauty all around me, my senses are picking up every bit

This is not an everyday occurrence, not for one that struggles with demons in my head, the ones that dull your senses to make it seem the world is dark & lonely

On days like today, I take the extra time, to notice the beauty that is there everyday all around me, not to ignore the little things, as I notice a small finch flying in the white roses, rainbow colours streak as they dart

I am grateful for a day of colour, a day without the heaviness of darkness inside, no weight to pull me down, nothing to make me feel even moving is too much

Just as I am about to have another drink, my hand is almost at the handle of my favourite mug

I hear the happiest sound, running feet & a excited Mummy! School has finished, here come my constant sunshine

The smile on her 10 year old face is full of happiness & love, she runs for a cuddle

I can smell she has been active today, I can feel the softness of her hair as I kiss the top of her head

I know she has been through more loss & heartbreak then many adults can handle, yet there she is as happy as can be

Her hug is as tight as she can make it, she & I love our tight hugs, when you have been through so much together, a hug becomes more of a reminder all is ok

The hug is so fleeting as she has others to greet, she runs off too find her bonus mum, a woman that changed our lives, a small black fluffy dog is her constant companion, running to keep up with her excited steps

I remind myself not to take for granted days like today, it is so easy to not take the time to let my senses take over, I know that I need to notice the joy all around me

Tomorrow may be the same, it could be better

Or it could dump me down into the black hole of despair again.

Anticipation.

I wait in anticipation for you to talk through the door, I have brushed my hair, I have changed my clothes

My heart is beating a little faster, without realising it a smile is on my face, I feel light, my stomach is all fluttery

Then I hear your car, I hear the music & can imagine how you look, I love the way you bop your head, you move as much as you can

Your sunglasses will be on, you look like a dream in those glasses, all long blonde hair, beautiful face, long legs that I love

I wait for you to walk in the door, sometimes you wait for a while before coming in

Then as you walk up to the back door, you take my breath away again, not just your beauty that is plain to see, but the light that shines within 

I try to act casual, it’s been over a year together, but inside I am a bundle of nerves wanting to be in your arms 

When you look at me, I can see you feel just like I do, as I hug you I hear you sigh, you let go of the stress of the day, you know you are home, you can let go.

The scars of trauma.

As hard as I try to lay my head down to sleep, the pictures inside my head refuse to cease

The pain & fear I felt then, is filling my body & soul again, the smells are coming back to haunt me

I can feel the iron grip of my biggest foe, the anxiety that I always keep just below my skin, it’s a beast inside that scratches & bites to come out

I always thought this would be my life, who wants to love a damaged soul, a person with scarred skin, & a soul that I am sure has a black mark end to end

Then you knocked on my door, you were respectful & gave me time, as is without a word you understood, you saw I had so much pain inside, I had no belief I could be loved

When I finally gave in, I finally found my safe haven to aid my sleep, not only to keep the beast at bay, but when the nightmares kicked in, you were there softly bringing me back

It was not easy, I fought to accept you could love someone as damaged as me

I tried to hide my scars, the physical scars are not so easy to hide away, they are there for all to see, to me they are all I see

You wouldn’t have this, you told me time & time again, you loved me scars & all, you made it clear to you the scars on me were just another piece of my map

You told me, they are just apart of you, they are not who you are, you are more then that, you are so much more that you realise

When I finally let that sink in, I gave myself permission to be loved

To be happy within, to trust another soul, to finally let down my walls, to give myself permission to be happy & loved.

Time to say goodbye.

For my father. Thank you for always believing in me.

He stands up against the bar, his glass of scotch & ice lifted to his lips

His other hand holds a pipe, just like the one his grandfather smoked

The smell of scotch & tobacco is heavy in the air

A warm breeze blows through the open door, it lightly ruffles his wavy short black hair

He can hear his son & daughter playing by the pond, always happy to be together 

They are his pride & joy, a strapping brown haired boy, smart & inquisitive by nature 

His daughter is a bubbly blonde, always chatting & smiling, he knows people are fooled by this, they do not expect her to be so intelligent & witty

They are both well spoken, both well versed on all he has taught them

As his mind is drifting he can sense a familiar presence, one that brings him peace & calm

He looks across the bar to see a beautiful blonde, self assured, a little smile on her face

Her blue eyes are twinkling, he can see she is well dressed

As he looks at her, he still can’t believe, this beautiful woman in front choose to make a life with him

Their shared history is passed between them without a word spoken, they both can tell what each other is thinking with just a glance

His beautiful wife let’s him know it’s almost time for the kids to go to bed, he nods in acknowledgment, not looking away

As she walks off he gets lost in his thoughts, his mind never stops

He knows he has a gift, he knows his way of thinking is unique, but he can feel that this will do him well in his life

As an older man he stands against a different bar, more of a short wall, facing the sea

The smell of the sea fills his senses, the sound of the waves crashing is what he concentrates on

He knows that his time is short, he knows that the sun won’t rise for him much longer 

His beautiful wife come to stand beside him, lovingly wrapping a blanket around him & helps him to the bed

As he lies down he thinks back of all he has achieved, his work was a huge success, he knows he has left a mark for another to take on.

He knows this will take time, there are not many who are so intelligent & dignified in all they do

Not only as a thinker, but also as the last of the old gentleman left, a true gentleman through & through

His children all grown up, now with children of their own, he thinks of how amazed he is to watch his children be capable & loving parents, he never doubted they would, he knew they doubted themselves

He could not be prouder of all they have achieved, challenges they have faced, all the trauma they have conquered, in this he especially thinks of his blonde daughter & granddaughter, of the loss & grief they have suffered of their lives torn apart

He knows he has done all he can, he knows he has fought hard, he knows he has taught them well, he knows he has shown them everything he could, he knows it is time to say goodbye

His ever loving wife wraps her arms around him, bringing the peace he needs.

The peace he needs to let go, to leave his ailing body behind, to leave the pain & suffering, to finally be at peace.

No end in sight.

On nights like this, I lay here in tears, letting them soak into my pillow case

I can feel the material is damp, I can feel the tears running still

I know there is no end in sight right now, at least that’s how it feels, the empty pain inside just won’t disappear

Just as I am about to give in, you wrap your arms around me, I can smell your familiar perfume

You remind me I am not alone, you make sure that I am hearing you, listening to what you say

I can slowly feel your words penetrate my mind, slowly I can see the fog starting to lift

I turn over slowly, wrap my arms around you & breathe in your comforting scent

As I let myself take this in, the tears start to dry up, the emptiness within is starting to fill with your love

A warmth starts to grow within my heart, spreading slowly through my veins

I stop shivering & shaking, I take a deep breath

I look at you & see in your eyes everything you are feeling

This is what snaps me back, brings me back to myself

I feel my muscles relax, I take a deep breath, & I know things will be ok.

There will be other times I fall like this, you are there to bring me back, always making sure I know

I am not a burden, I am me, you love all of me, including the darkness within.