To Jemima – My Girl

Look at you, not a girl anymore, not quite a woman

Beautiful in your dress, hair all done up, wearing your first pair of heels

Full of nerves for your first school dance, butterflies dancing in your stomach

I can see the little girl you were, I now can imagine the woman you will be

Memories dash across my mind, your strong cry as you were born, your eye’s scrunched closed

Holding you as tears of joy fell down my cheeks, you were finally here

Watching your face as your eyes opened, watching you slowly quite down

As the months went by, watching you as you grew, ready to catch you if you fell

At nine months you had a look of determination, you grabbed hold of my hands

Once you were standing you let go & walked across the room, you suddenly fell

I was there, I caught you, you looked up at me & smiled as if you knew I would always be there

I will let you walk your own path my girl, I will be right here

I will cheer you on, I will comfort you, I will always catch you if you fall, I will always help you back up

To let you keep walking your own path, in your way, to your own beat

I watch as you walk into the dance, a huge smile on your face, i smile to myself

Despite the trauma we have faced, you are confident, self assured, happy & determined

For this I am beyond thankful.

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Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

Circle of fire – a flashback to my youth.

I sat down on the beach, puts my bag beside me
I was early, I choose to be so I could see the last bit of the sunset
The sky was alive with vivid colours, the most incredible display
The sun dipped below the horizon, darkness started to fall
I heard them coming, talking & laughing, my tribe
I stood up & took out my gear, liquid on, as they appeared I lite them up
There is nothing in this world that takes me away more then this
As I dance, I twirl my stick, watching the fire
I feel free, light & wild, i can feel the heat from the flame
As the flame starts to go out, I can hear my friends cheering me on
I feel apart of a tribe, I feel loved, I feel like a wild child.

Valentines inclusion.

Valentine’s Day never used to be huge in Australia, however over the years it has increased in popularity, now it is just expected that all couples celebrate Valentine’s.

For me, I don’t, it is far too commercial, & if my girlfriend would like to do something for me or give me something, I would much prefer that she do this spontaneously. I love it when she surprises me out of the blue.

However for others on Valentine’s Day there is not a lot available for some, there is limited availability for someone who identifies as non binary. There are cards & gifts on Etsy & RedBubble along with gomag.

There are not many poems or love songs. To me this didn’t seem fair, they have gone through so much to figure out who they are, there should be love poetry & songs, gifts & cards out here.

So I decided to do something about it, I wrote a love poem called They & Her. I then sent this to Ryan Cassata who has published me before on a music, poetry blog he is a part of called Rock the Pigeon.

Ryan quickly respond & published my poem. I am so grateful for this, & I hope in some way this makes a small difference.

To read the poem please go to https://rockthepigeon.com/2022/02/08/they-her-by-ellysa-greenhalgh-poetry/

https://rockthepigeon.com/2022/02/08/they-her-by-ellysa-greenhalgh-poetry/

New beginnings.

Just like that 2021 is over, possibly one of the hardest years I have ever had to get through.

Everyone has struggled this year, our lives have changed, it’s been hard to be separated from loved ones.

I would really like this year to be like this, my friend hasn’t spoken to her daughter all year, her daughter has been going through some things, her daughter called at midnight, she felt so happy, so grateful, excited for the future.

Wouldn’t it be great if 2022 was just like that!

Short comings.

Dear 2022,

I am writing to you to provide some advance warning of the expectations for the next 12 months, unfortunately your predecessor did not meet expectations, in fact it left much to be desired.

To name just a few short comings that were experienced that I would kindly ask not be repeated:

Grief: Losing my partners brother unexpectedly & then my father within 24 hours was clearly awful management with no care to how this would affect others, to say this left us devastated would be an understatement, not to mention the sheer pain & distress this caused.

In laws: I know it is a running joke that no one likes in laws, however I am one of the few that have fantastic in laws, at least they were, the way 2020 has stopped them moving forward after trauma really is something that needs to be addressed, this has severely fractured our relationship.

Lockdowns: Lastly, no more of this. This is immature & quite frankly controlling! To be in lockdown whilst grieving, unable to see your family is unacceptable, please ensure this does not happen.

So, what do I ask for:

This 2022 is easy. I ask please, keep things balanced. Provide more happy moments then sad, give me hope again, for now & in the future. Show me the beauty all around, make sure I take notice, give me reason to pause & admire. Help me have more self belief, let me borrow others belief in me & build mine own.

Lastly I ask to please give my girl A fair go, she is 10, but has experienced more trauma & loss then most people to a lifetime, let her be please, just let her be a child, & enjoy what innocence she has left, let her be happy, let her laugh, let her be silly.

I do hope this provides you with some much needed guidance.

Baggage.

Stop, look back, pull the load forward
Go, look forward, heave the load forward
Stop, don’t dwell, look in the load
Go, look at the memory, don’t take it
Stop, put memory back, hang on to every one
Go, look forward, hope is bright
Stop, rest, load is heavy
Go, look up, focus on future
Stop, look back, do I need the load
Go, let go, drop the load
Stop, breathe, you can let it go
Go, light, free, I don’t need the load anymore.

Love is…..

I love you I say to my daughter every night
I love you Mummy she says & gives me a hug
She knows she is loved, she can see how loved she is

I love you Mum I say at the end of our calls
I love you honey, your very dear to me she says back
A mother’s love is strong, I can feel it through her voice

I love you I say to my best friend
I love you too she says, always
After thirty five years we are as close as thieves

I love you, I adore you I say to my girlfriend
She smiles & says I love you too, her love is strong
She hugs me, I sigh & relax in her arms, knowing I am loved

Love can not be defined by one person
Love is felt in so many different ways
Love is acceptance of who you are, just the way you are.

Comfy at home.

I don’t know about you, but I am over hearing people complain about COVID! The way our lives have been restricted, changed, challenged in every way. For those not in Australia, Melbourne since March 2020 we have spent 260 days in lockdown. Often separated from family that live 30kms away for months. yes it is hard.

I know this was all necessary, I know that the government saved many lives by doing this. I know that our healthcare has been able to manage because of these restrictions. That now have finished if you are fully vaccinated, which I am, so is my partner.

Any plans we had, canceled!! My partner works in healthcare, & luck would have it, restrictions are lifted & her workplace has an outbreak. Nearly all the residents & staff are vaccinated, those infected are showing no symptoms due to the vaccine. Those who medically can not be vaccinated are struggling.

When I was first told COVID is more contagious then a cold I could not imagine it. I can now, it flies around, literally it spreads like wildfire. The way it has spread so quickly is astonishing, on day three there were 7 positive, day four 19 positive. I know many who really like me could not fathom something spreading so fast.

So now, we are in somewhat of a lockdown, partner goes to work & home, no where else. I limit where I go, our daughter to school, grandparents & home. We are still locked up in our comfy house. Together, as a family supporting each other.

We are lucky, we are safe. Our daughter is not old enough to be vaccinated, so we are careful, antibacterial wipes & masks on hand always. Lockdown is not so bad, being healthy, happy & together. I will take that any day over sickness. Once this outbreak is over, we can go out more. We can rejoin society. For the moment I know I am blessed.

Just another Bella – a song.

I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains

Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane

At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane

Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us

I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle

I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,

You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me

You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane

I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun

Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion

Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen

We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Chemistry ignites – short erotic story.

Sheila had always had a fantasy woman, this woman always appeared in her erotic dreams, & she always thought of her when pleasuring herself. She could imagine how it would be to kiss her breasts, run her hand down her back, lick her pussy, just like she does an ice cream. How it would feel to have this woman touch her breasts, suck on them, push her fingers inside her.

The feelings were so intense as she came, always guaranteed to work. Her woman was blonde, short, lean but curvy, with a great arse. She had attitude, almost the bad girl, full of sex appeal. Not full of herself, unaware of how attractive she is, she walks with a sexy swagger.

Sheila went out one night, she was meant to go with Marcia who cancelled at the last minute, Sheila decided she hadn’t been to the Lesbian bar for some time, why not go alone. She dressed up in her favorite low cut top, with DD breasts & a push up bra she knew the top looked good. She wore her favorite black jeans & stiletto boots. Not too much make up, & of course her green leather jacket.

Sheila walked in to the bar, feeling apprehensive, she hadn’t been out alone before, she had always wanted to, just to prove to herself she could. She walked up to the bar & ordered her standard drink a scotch on the rocks. Top shelf scotch, she loved a good scotch. Sheila took a sip & licked her lips, she closed her eyes as the familiar burning sensation went down her throat, good scotch she thought.

‘Excuse me, can I sit here?’ Said a voice next to her, Sheila opened her eyes & blinked, was something in her drink? Her woman was in front of her, exactly as she imagined. The only thing different, she was living & breathing.

‘Sure, ah yep.’ Sheila said in a quiet voice. ‘Thanks, just stopped for a quick drink. Hey can I get a top shelf scotch on the rocks?’ Sheila looked in awe, she had good taste. ‘So, uh, I haven’t seen you here before?’ Sheila could have slapped herself, did she really just say that?

‘Ha! That’s an old line, no I don’t go to bars much, I tend to stick to home & friends. Actually, I hate being hit on, I stay away from bars, clubs, all of it.’ Sheila nodded ‘sorry, that just came out. I didn’t mea’ Sheila was cut off. ‘Don’t worry, look I am just here for the drink. Where are your friends?’

‘Well, um I came alone actually.’ Sheila went bright red with embarrassment. ‘Seriously? Girl that takes guts, good on you. You never know what will happen. I like a woman who walks to her own beat.’ Her blue eyes looked straight into Sheila’s, keeping her transfixed.

‘So you like good Scotch, do you live locally? Oh, ha I am Axel, nice to meet you.’ Sheila looked at Axel ‘Sheila, & yes I live within walking distance. I love a good scotch, I have two indulgences, Scotch & lingerie.’

‘Oh, who is the lingerie for?’ Axel asked. ‘Me, I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Sheila said getting more confident. ‘Well I am going to be forward, how about we go to your place & enjoy some scotch?’ Axel said whilst obviously looking at Sheila’s chest. Sheila sat up straighter & pushed her chest out a bit, making it clear they were Axels for the taking.

Axel looked up, ‘Maybe whilst we enjoy a scotch you could put on some lingerie for me to admire you in?’ Sheila felt her pulse quicken, wetness pooled in her panties, she was desperate to undress Axel. ‘Axel I would love to sit in a corset & suspenders, with crotchless knickers, red I think, for you to admire & watch me get the scotch ready.’ Sheila had never been so bold in her life. Axel chocked on some scotch, obviously not expecting such boldness.

‘Let’s go babe, I can drive you.’ Axel said as she put money down for the drinks, grabbed Sheila’s hand & pulled her towards the exit. Sheila could feel Axels pulse was quick, her palms a little sweaty, her swagger almost had Sheila drooling.

Axel unlocked her car, Sheila got in the passenger side, she was about to pull her seat belt across, when Axel leant across, kissing her lightly on the top of her breasts, Axel grabbed the seat belt & clicked it in. Sheila was squirming. ‘Anticipation baby, I want you soaking wet for me.’ Axel said with a crocked smile. Sheila closed her eyes & moaned.

Sheila unlocked her front door, walked into the kitchen, grabbed Axel & lifted her on to the counter. Before Axel could speak Sheila kissed her, parting her lips with her tongue, Sheila slowly drew out Axels tongue & started sucking it. Axel pulled back, ‘I want your tongue inside me.’ Sheila laughed & said ‘Anticipation baby.’ Axel grabbed her & took of her jacket, top & bra quickly, she squeezed one breast & started sucking on the other.

Sheila could feel this was not going to take long, Axel pushed down her jeans, & in a swift movement, parted her legs & thrust her fingers inside her, Sheila’s legs almost gave way with the pleasure. Axel turned her around, put an arm around her waist, bent her forward & thrust two fingers in & out, it was as if Axel knew what she wanted, Axel started to thrust harder & faster, Sheila could feel herself dripping down her leg, suddenly the most intense orgasm took her over. Axel didn’t stop, she kept going whilst Sheila felt like she had honey running through her veins. The feeling was euphoric.

As her orgasm started to dim Sheila took Axels fingers out, spun around & almost ripped off Axels jeans. Sheila spread her legs wide & pushed her tongue inside her. The taste, the taste of Axel was so sweet, as it ran down Sheila’s throat she moaned the taste & feel of Axel was bringing another orgasm. Sheila licked up to her clit, she sucked on her clit, flicking it with her tongue. Axel was trying so hard to control herself, not to finish yet, but her body had other ideas.

Sheila licked up into Axel as far as she could, she thrust her tongue in & out, suddenly Axels orgasm took over, Axel squirted right down Sheila’s throat. Sheila orgasmed again from the feel, the taste, the bucking of Axels hips.

Sheila stood up, ‘how about that scotch now?’ Axel looked at her with fuzzy eyes, ‘sure baby, then round two.’ Sheila shivered at the thought, she went & got her best bottle of scotch & two glasses. She hoped they would be up all night.

Striking beauty.

I was tired, I lay down for a bit, reenergise my tired body

You came in after cutting the wood, wet & cold from the rain

You looked at me curled up in bed, my eyes were closed

I heard you open the shower door, you stood in the bathroom doorway

You started to remove your clothes, very slowly

Your jumper came off, soaking wet, your tee shirt clung to your body

You had no bra on, your breasts were clear for me to see

I loved looking at the perfect round shape, seeing the outline of your nipples

Your jeans looked as if they were sprayed on, clinging to every bit of your long legs

You slowly pushed them down, keeping your legs straight so your body looked like pure seduction

You took them off your feet & stood up straight, taking your hair out & letting it flow down your back

You turned & looked at me, completely naked, strikingly beautiful

Your whole body was a work of art, you ran your hand down your chest

You smiled a wicked smile & walked into the shower, making sure to swing your hips.

Tolerance.

You know what I really dislike & struggle with on a daily basis? It’s the pressure from society to be a certain way, to look the way they want you too.

Now I am a woman of size, there is more of me to love. I have tried over the years many different ways to change this, the issue is my metabolism is so slow, no matter what I do, including exercising like crazy.

I have tried diets, shakes, cutting out many foods, nothing will work. My doctor finally just said, this is you, you can’t change it.

I was taken aback by this, but she explained it is my genetics, my dad & his dad were the same.

So I have had to try to accept this, now it would be a whole lot easier if I could walk into any store & buy clothes, or even eat something in public without being judged by others.

I have been called names, I have been made fun of, I am 45 & still people say things. I am not playing the victim, but there needs to be understanding that not everyone can be a size society deems acceptable.

It has become far too common for people to judge a stranger, to think they know exactly what that person is like.

This is what I dislike & struggle with. I am who I am, I am trying to learn to be ok with it.

If you see someone calling someone a name because they are bigger, please call it out. That person has a story, do you want to add a positive to that story, or let another negative be added.

I say let’s add more positives. Let’s try to be more understanding of each other, let’s try to not jump to conclusions.

As the sun rises.

Tomorrow as the sun rises & the frost thaws

As the birds start to call, slowly soaring up into the sky

As the marsupials curl up for the day, to wait for night again

As the last of the deer walk back to the forest, to hide once again

I will open my eyes & rise out of bed to greet the day

With a hopeful heart, that once again all is as it should be

To let the sun warm me, to watch the birds soaring

To allow the calmness of nature, calm my soul.