To my daughter,
I was so scared when you were born, we had gone through IVF for 5 years, you were much anticipated & wanted.
We had prepared, everything was ready, it had been for over a year. Then six months before you were born, after we had passed the danger period where we had lost three angels, I threw most of it out.
You need things for you, not things we had brought for a hypothetical baby. You were real, I could hear your heart beat, I knew you were going to be a girl.
Then two weeks early, you arrived, screaming to let the world know you had arrived. I was beyond happy, I almost fell over with the sudden rush of love for you. The thing was my dear, I am not your birth mother, that is your Mama, I was petrified you would not bond with me.
That I would not be able to soothe you, that I would never be the one you ran to when you hurt yourself, or were upset or just wanted a hug. There was no biological link. I read so many stories from others, some bonded, some didn’t. What if I was one of the ones that didn’t? Would I be just someone who is around to you? Would you not love me like a mother?
Once we got home your Mama was struggling after a C Section, & a 72 hour stop & start labor, so I did most of your feedings, i would lie you in my arms & give you your milk. After making sure you had no gas, I would sit in the rocking chair & rock you to sleep.
I would just stare at your face, hold your tiny hand & whisper all my fears & hopes. After four weeks I went back to work, night shift at the time. On my first night your Mama called me saying she just could not get you to settle, so I told her to sit in the rocking chair, she tried this, eventually i said put the phone to her ear & rock in the chair.
I started whispering all the things that I wanted for you, after a few minutes your mama whispered that you had fallen asleep. I knew then that I could let go of my fears, I sat at my desk & cried tears of joy & relief. You had bonded to me, you knew I was your Mum, you knew I loved you.
Over the years our bond has grown, our bond is strong, I am your security, your safety, your confidant, the person who makes you laugh.
Thank you my darling daughter for taking my fears away, for showing me it’s the actions that make you are parent, not biology, it’s the love & care given that creates the bond.
I will forever be grateful for the gift of our bond. I love you mostest, Mummy.