Unknown Breakdown.

Well, my life is very different, it has taken me awhile to adjust, & to be honest talk about it all.

Last year was awful in so many ways, however I don’t remember most of it.

After going through some counselling & medical assistance it’s become clear that I had a breakdown. Everything over the last four years finally caught up to me.

This is the thing, I never really dealt with what happened to my wife, Kate. I just kept going, just didn’t really think to deeply about it. It was too much, too sad, too heartbreaking.

That was four years ago, then two years ago my father died. This was the catalyst for my mind to start breaking.

I was very close to my father, he got me, he understood my mind, he understood how mental health is a beast to live with. Bi Pola, Anxiety & PTSD none of them are a walk in the park, that is for damm sure!

Dad gave me ways to cope, to help me live with it all, to really embrace they are just a part of me, they do not define me, nor should I not live a great life because of them. He knew my mind was different from a young age, he encouraged me to write poetry, to channel my emotions. This made a word of difference.

Back to the current situation, after Dad passed, I was in a world of never ending grief for about a month before it started to lift.

I realise now since then I avoided so many issues, not just my own, everyday household management, bills, anything negative. I just ignored anything I thought was a negative.

Then in November 2021 things get hazy, until about February, then it’s dark, no memory until November.

I was a different person during this time I have learnt, I was very uncaring & manipulative, not affectionate, argumentative. All these things are not me.

Everyone thought I was just struggling, I would get it together in the end. Somehow I just kept going, I was sleeping a lot according to my daughter.

Now I am slowly trying to put the pieces together. My girlfriend & I broke up during this time, however I have no memory of this at all. To say I am heartbroken would be an understatement.

Knowing I let her down, I wasn’t there like I should have been for Kate, & Jemima. My beautiful girl, she didn’t like this new Mum, she felt alone.

I have a road ahead, I also need to learn to forgive myself. I need to heal.

We all have challenges in life, we all go through good & bad times. We all need to be kind to ourselves, & we all need to be self aware. They are my challenges this year.

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Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

Crestfallen.

Her scars are so well hidden, tied up with a ribbon

They have pushed her to be driven, easy street never a given

She looks at them often, to remind her of what can not be forgotten

Her childhood forsaken, the reality was disillusion, her fate unchosen

She is the very definition of a self made woman thriven

Her scars won’t stop her succession, those in her way are stricken with affliction

She knows how it feels to be a trophy decoration, there for a presentation

Now she loves her chosen, trophy hunters are left crestfallen

Strong, filled with intelligence & passion, her path forward unknown

She will walk it unshaken, knowing she is not forsaken

Untying her ribbon, scars no longer hidden

The path will widen, striden forward together, sun shinin.

Scott – Patrick Mitchell & I.

I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing Scott – Patrick Mitchell for a radio show, the show never happened. However Scott – Patrick’s poetry needs to be read, it is raw, emotional & takes you on his journey.

He has a book out called Clean, his journey of recovery. Please, please take the time to read his book.

Here is the interview, his website is: https://redroompoetry.org/poets/scott-patrick-mitchell/

My Girl.

To my daughter,
I was so scared when you were born, we had gone through IVF for 5 years, you were much anticipated & wanted.

We had prepared, everything was ready, it had been for over a year. Then six months before you were born, after we had passed the danger period where we had lost three angels, I threw most of it out.

You need things for you, not things we had brought for a hypothetical baby. You were real, I could hear your heart beat, I knew you were going to be a girl.

Then two weeks early, you arrived, screaming to let the world know you had arrived. I was beyond happy, I almost fell over with the sudden rush of love for you. The thing was my dear, I am not your birth mother, that is your Mama, I was petrified you would not bond with me.

That I would not be able to soothe you, that I would never be the one you ran to when you hurt yourself, or were upset or just wanted a hug. There was no biological link. I read so many stories from others, some bonded, some didn’t. What if I was one of the ones that didn’t? Would I be just someone who is around to you? Would you not love me like a mother?

Once we got home your Mama was struggling after a C Section, & a 72 hour stop & start labor, so I did most of your feedings, i would lie you in my arms & give you your milk. After making sure you had no gas, I would sit in the rocking chair & rock you to sleep.

I would just stare at your face, hold your tiny hand & whisper all my fears & hopes. After four weeks I went back to work, night shift at the time. On my first night your Mama called me saying she just could not get you to settle, so I told her to sit in the rocking chair, she tried this, eventually i said put the phone to her ear & rock in the chair.

I started whispering all the things that I wanted for you, after a few minutes your mama whispered that you had fallen asleep. I knew then that I could let go of my fears, I sat at my desk & cried tears of joy & relief. You had bonded to me, you knew I was your Mum, you knew I loved you.

Over the years our bond has grown, our bond is strong, I am your security, your safety, your confidant, the person who makes you laugh.

Thank you my darling daughter for taking my fears away, for showing me it’s the actions that make you are parent, not biology, it’s the love & care given that creates the bond.

I will forever be grateful for the gift of our bond. I love you mostest, Mummy.

Circle of fire – a flashback to my youth.

I sat down on the beach, puts my bag beside me
I was early, I choose to be so I could see the last bit of the sunset
The sky was alive with vivid colours, the most incredible display
The sun dipped below the horizon, darkness started to fall
I heard them coming, talking & laughing, my tribe
I stood up & took out my gear, liquid on, as they appeared I lite them up
There is nothing in this world that takes me away more then this
As I dance, I twirl my stick, watching the fire
I feel free, light & wild, i can feel the heat from the flame
As the flame starts to go out, I can hear my friends cheering me on
I feel apart of a tribe, I feel loved, I feel like a wild child.

Intense Ambiguity.

I refuse to bend myself to suit social expectations, this I will do no more

I have tied myself in knots to appear as a shadow of myself

I am tired of hiding within, of holding the best part of me back

I am a intense ambiguity, I am unique in every way

I will not hide my scars of trauma, not for your comfort

I will not keep my emotions hidden, feel free to look away

Proudly I walk beside my girlfriend, she rescued me from despair

I will talk about my wife, locked inside her mind, surrounded by a injured brain

It’s easier for you to forget, it’s the reality of my life

It’s time for me to stop appeasing others, start working on me

Our daughter needs to see that being unique & scared is nothing to hide

Now is my time, please the door is to your left if you would like to leave.

Valentines inclusion.

Valentine’s Day never used to be huge in Australia, however over the years it has increased in popularity, now it is just expected that all couples celebrate Valentine’s.

For me, I don’t, it is far too commercial, & if my girlfriend would like to do something for me or give me something, I would much prefer that she do this spontaneously. I love it when she surprises me out of the blue.

However for others on Valentine’s Day there is not a lot available for some, there is limited availability for someone who identifies as non binary. There are cards & gifts on Etsy & RedBubble along with gomag.

There are not many poems or love songs. To me this didn’t seem fair, they have gone through so much to figure out who they are, there should be love poetry & songs, gifts & cards out here.

So I decided to do something about it, I wrote a love poem called They & Her. I then sent this to Ryan Cassata who has published me before on a music, poetry blog he is a part of called Rock the Pigeon.

Ryan quickly respond & published my poem. I am so grateful for this, & I hope in some way this makes a small difference.

To read the poem please go to https://rockthepigeon.com/2022/02/08/they-her-by-ellysa-greenhalgh-poetry/

https://rockthepigeon.com/2022/02/08/they-her-by-ellysa-greenhalgh-poetry/

Monster.

A monster lives within me
This monster tells me everything I do wrong
It tells me how awful I look, how bumpy my body is
It taunts me, I am so monstrous I should hide behind a mask
I can not go out with the real me on display

To this monster I say, you are wrong, not me
I do not look awful, my body has forty five years of life mapping, I would expect bumps
I am not monstrous, I fought hard to find me, I will not hide, I am not perfect, I am perfectly imperfect.

One year of grief.

A year ago today my father passed, here is what I would want him to know.

New beginnings.

Just like that 2021 is over, possibly one of the hardest years I have ever had to get through.

Everyone has struggled this year, our lives have changed, it’s been hard to be separated from loved ones.

I would really like this year to be like this, my friend hasn’t spoken to her daughter all year, her daughter has been going through some things, her daughter called at midnight, she felt so happy, so grateful, excited for the future.

Wouldn’t it be great if 2022 was just like that!

Short comings.

Dear 2022,

I am writing to you to provide some advance warning of the expectations for the next 12 months, unfortunately your predecessor did not meet expectations, in fact it left much to be desired.

To name just a few short comings that were experienced that I would kindly ask not be repeated:

Grief: Losing my partners brother unexpectedly & then my father within 24 hours was clearly awful management with no care to how this would affect others, to say this left us devastated would be an understatement, not to mention the sheer pain & distress this caused.

In laws: I know it is a running joke that no one likes in laws, however I am one of the few that have fantastic in laws, at least they were, the way 2020 has stopped them moving forward after trauma really is something that needs to be addressed, this has severely fractured our relationship.

Lockdowns: Lastly, no more of this. This is immature & quite frankly controlling! To be in lockdown whilst grieving, unable to see your family is unacceptable, please ensure this does not happen.

So, what do I ask for:

This 2022 is easy. I ask please, keep things balanced. Provide more happy moments then sad, give me hope again, for now & in the future. Show me the beauty all around, make sure I take notice, give me reason to pause & admire. Help me have more self belief, let me borrow others belief in me & build mine own.

Lastly I ask to please give my girl A fair go, she is 10, but has experienced more trauma & loss then most people to a lifetime, let her be please, just let her be a child, & enjoy what innocence she has left, let her be happy, let her laugh, let her be silly.

I do hope this provides you with some much needed guidance.

Baggage.

Stop, look back, pull the load forward
Go, look forward, heave the load forward
Stop, don’t dwell, look in the load
Go, look at the memory, don’t take it
Stop, put memory back, hang on to every one
Go, look forward, hope is bright
Stop, rest, load is heavy
Go, look up, focus on future
Stop, look back, do I need the load
Go, let go, drop the load
Stop, breathe, you can let it go
Go, light, free, I don’t need the load anymore.

Self Belief – A constant struggle.

My girlfriend says to me quite often, maybe your not a bad writer? Maybe you can relate to people. She says this not in a mean way, it’s a reminder to me, to have some self belief, to stop having to faith in my work.

This is something I find confronting, I know very few people who can say they are good at something, or give them selves some recognition for when things go well. As a writer when you are submitting you are putting yourself out there, the rejections pile up, if you get a response.

An acceptance is always unexpected, it’s like I have won the lottery. I am floored every time, I always question it, are they sure, do they actually like my work? Maybe they didn’t get any others? The reality is, they like it.

I find this unfathomable that they like it & relate to it. I acknowledge that I must have some self belief if I am submitting, but I can’t feel it or find it. Until now.

A magazine is publishing me three months in a row, they publish one piece of writing per issue, this made me understand that yes, maybe I can write, maybe I need to start having a bit more confidence.

We all struggle with self belief, it’s when these wins happen that help us see, maybe we aren’t so bad. No matter what you do, look out for those moments, hang on to that belief.

Deadweight

Photo Poem

Swagger.

She walked into the kitchen, putting extra swing in her swagger

Her long hair down, her singlet loose, bra had gone

She made sure her woman noticed, standing on the side she knew everything was on display

She put her hands up in her hair, leant her head back

Pushing her chest forward, she heard the intake of air

Her partner she knew was watching, enjoying this show

As uncomfortable as she was with her body, she knew her partner loved every inch

Her self esteem so much higher, just knowing she was loved for her

No request to change, no criticism of her little quirks

She would never have put herself on display like this before

Now, she could see the lust & love in her partner’s eyes

She turned, swaggered off to the bedroom, throwing her singlet as she went

She knew her partner would come, they both loved & appreciated each other

She knew her partner couldn’t resist her, she couldn’t resist her partner.

Love is…..

I love you I say to my daughter every night
I love you Mummy she says & gives me a hug
She knows she is loved, she can see how loved she is

I love you Mum I say at the end of our calls
I love you honey, your very dear to me she says back
A mother’s love is strong, I can feel it through her voice

I love you I say to my best friend
I love you too she says, always
After thirty five years we are as close as thieves

I love you, I adore you I say to my girlfriend
She smiles & says I love you too, her love is strong
She hugs me, I sigh & relax in her arms, knowing I am loved

Love can not be defined by one person
Love is felt in so many different ways
Love is acceptance of who you are, just the way you are.

Unbelievable!

Having only started to put myself out there this year, at the age of 45 with my writing, I had no if any expectations. For me, it was a I know I will regret it if I don’t. I thought I might receive a couch of likes, I don’t know if anyone will relate, I am definite not a good writer.

I have always written in a very descriptive way, highly emotional, & I don’t edit. The poems, short stories & blog posts are the first draft. I have tried to edit, however it is never good enough, so I put it toggle in my head first.

To say I have been shocked in the best way, humbled & surprised to find people relate to my writing would be an understatement. I don’t consider myself a good writer, I see all the flaws.

In the last week I have been published, twice!! http://www.unclearmag.com & https://rockthepigeon.com To me it’s like receiving an Oscar. It’s huge, I have been submitting & this the third & fourth time I have been published. I am flabbergasted when I receive an acceptance.

Rock The Pigeon was a very different poem to write, it’s about transitioning, I have never felt I was in the wrong body, but I have friends who have & I read Ryan Cassata’s story, it inspired me. I sent the piece to him, he published it. Beyond humbled by this.

I am grateful for everything that has happened, to everyone who reads my work, thank you, from the bottom of my surprised heart. I love reading your feedback & comments.

THANK YOU!!!!!!

Comfy at home.

I don’t know about you, but I am over hearing people complain about COVID! The way our lives have been restricted, changed, challenged in every way. For those not in Australia, Melbourne since March 2020 we have spent 260 days in lockdown. Often separated from family that live 30kms away for months. yes it is hard.

I know this was all necessary, I know that the government saved many lives by doing this. I know that our healthcare has been able to manage because of these restrictions. That now have finished if you are fully vaccinated, which I am, so is my partner.

Any plans we had, canceled!! My partner works in healthcare, & luck would have it, restrictions are lifted & her workplace has an outbreak. Nearly all the residents & staff are vaccinated, those infected are showing no symptoms due to the vaccine. Those who medically can not be vaccinated are struggling.

When I was first told COVID is more contagious then a cold I could not imagine it. I can now, it flies around, literally it spreads like wildfire. The way it has spread so quickly is astonishing, on day three there were 7 positive, day four 19 positive. I know many who really like me could not fathom something spreading so fast.

So now, we are in somewhat of a lockdown, partner goes to work & home, no where else. I limit where I go, our daughter to school, grandparents & home. We are still locked up in our comfy house. Together, as a family supporting each other.

We are lucky, we are safe. Our daughter is not old enough to be vaccinated, so we are careful, antibacterial wipes & masks on hand always. Lockdown is not so bad, being healthy, happy & together. I will take that any day over sickness. Once this outbreak is over, we can go out more. We can rejoin society. For the moment I know I am blessed.

Storm Of Grief.

The affliction suffered has decayed the body

Taking within, killing the inside slowly

Once a warrior, now unable to stand

Tightly holding on to dignity

There will be no reprieve

The suffering is silent to save the hearts of your cherished ones

A devoted wife, never leaving your now quivering soul alone

A daughter, the desire to see her is pushed down

You will not condemn her, will not let her last memory of you

Be one of such pain

The awareness that her heart is breaking, you will protect her

Until your dying breath
You let go

The loss I feel inside my heart, my soul is profound

My father, who gave so much, schooled me on life

Showed me how to balance the insane with the sane

Never will there be a day I do not miss you

Never will there be a day, I won’t ensure your love, my mother, is weathering the storm of grief.

Uncaged.

She runs in her pink dress, pink ribbons flying from her hair

Little Mary Janes shiny & new, she is a perfect picture

She knows she should not be playing with the boys

She knows she will disappoint her parents again

Coming in all dirty, hair falling everywhere, new shoes scraped

She has no desire to play with the girls, she doesn’t want to pretend

She turns thirteen, she is the tomboy, loves being outdoors

She pretends to like boys, fitting in, seeming normal

She reaches eighteen, no longer trying to be someone else

She is quirky, she is the one to stand up for others

Finally at twenty one she begs for acceptance, boys are not for her

Acceptance is not given, breaking her heart in two

Aimlessly she walks alone, for ninety days, she is ready to give up

Acceptance comes out of the blue, a true heartfelt apology given

Life starts to move in a new direction, of openness & honesty

The relief she feels within, to finally live cage less

The happiness is clear, a journey has started, a new life

A life she is free to spread her wings, to embrace who she is

I never thought I could, I did, I am & I will, live as a proud gay woman.

Just another Bella – a song.

I remember when you were seven, making daisy chains

Giving them to anyone, you gave one to me, you showed me how, you kept me sane

At thirteen we were talking crushes, you loved a great male mane

Sixteen we were the wild ones, always together, we kept each other whole

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You went that way, I went this way, we swore College wouldn’t change us

I learnt how to smoke & hustle, you earned your law coat, how to make a courtroom bustle

I was the usual suspect, cops found me theiving,

You were meant to treat me as a subject, just like old times, you saved me

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

You watched me like a hawk, you stalked, I tried to hit the sidewalk, you caught me

You made me a daisy chain, told me you’d keep me sane

I slowly reclaimed me, you kept me sane

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Now at seventy seven, we look back at all the fun

Now both Mums, listening to our kids wrestle their confusion

Now we give opinions, hoping the young listen

We be smilin in our wisdom, ginning from ear to ear, tolerance & acceptance, livin & breathin, life time friendship, blessin

You kept me sane, I drove you to the edge of sane

You were Cinderella , I was just another Bella

You stopped me ganging, I kept you busy forever

Distractions to stop thinking – a short story.

‘Tamara? Tamara? Where are you? Why are there eight ducks in the chook pen?’
‘Penny, hi! I had the best time today, you know work team building day, we went duck herding! I am going to take it up as a hobby. Isn’t that great?’
Tamara looked excited at penny. So I brought some ducks, as we have no chocks anymore, & guess what?’
‘Why can I hear a dog?’ Penny looked very unimpressed.
‘Suprise! That’s Sunny, she is a 6 month old Shelti, I am going to train her!’ Tamara was jumping up & down with excitement.
‘So you are going to train a dog, to herd ducks? Are you pulling a practical joke? Who herds ducks?’ Penny was laughing at the idea.
‘You know it is quite popular as a weekend hobby, & you keep telling me I need to get out more.’ Tamara was clearly upset Penny thought it was a joke.
‘Herding ducks???’ Penny could not stop laughing.
‘Fine, laugh away, I am going to feed the ducks.’ Tamara stormed out.
Seriously she thought, laughing at her. She didn’t do things like this often. Ok so two years ago she had started tree shaping, but that didn’t last long.
Then one year ago she had started collecting the elements, but that was boring she really wasn’t into science.
Six months ago she had considered bettle wrestling, but thought it was cruel.
Now duck herding! Oh what is that smell? Seriously! Oh no, it’s the ducks, the ducks stink!!!
‘Sunny, sunny stop!’ Tamara was suddenly running after Sunni who it seemed was determined to get to the ducks, Tamara grabbed Sunni & slipped, in duck poo.
Of course she thought. Oh that smell!! It was now in her hair!!!
Tamara grabbed her mobile.
‘Hi, Jo it’s Tamara we met today? Yeah that’s me, look I don’t think this is going to work out. Can I sell you the ducks back? Or give them back? Great! Sunni? No, I am going to keep her, a companion for me. I think I need to start just sticking to something, & just learn to be me. Can I come over now?’
‘Penny?’
‘In here’
‘I have decided to start something new.’
‘Oh what this time?’
‘Me, I am just going to be me, have Sunni as a companion. Stop trying to find things so I distract myself. I have to start to be ok with me, & all that I am.’
‘I know with being diagnosed with MS it’s been hard, but you are still you, I am really proud of you sis.’
‘Thank you. I am taking the ducks back now.’
Penny walked back to the ducks, she knew she had a long way to go, but she knew the start & acceptance would be the hardest.
Penny walked past the tree she had shaped like a heart, she laughed, it looked like the tree had not completely died, but the shape, more of a circle, with arms, lots of arms.

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

At the grand age of 45 I am learning a new skill, the art of writing rap. I have always just let my writing flow, it comes naturally. I have never gone to classes or done any courses until this year.

An opportunity came my way to help write a short film, along with others, one of the writers naturally writes rap. After reading what she wrote the whole short film will be rap.

So here I am trying to get how this is done, it’s a completely different way of writing. I enjoy listening to rap music, I have a whole new level of respect for the artists.

It is not an easy way to write, to get it to flow just right, to make sure everything sounds easy. I am lucky that I have someone to run things by, as my first attempt which I thought was good, was not rap. It didn’t rhyme enough, the flow wasn’t there & it was hard to voice.

Learning this made me think, as we travel through life we learn new skills all the time, sometimes it’s great to challenge ourselves to learn something completely different. Something which makes us change the way we think.

To really push ourselves outside that comfort zone, I know a lot of sites say to do this to improve yourself. No, it’s not about improvement, it’s about pushing ourselves in a way that we find fun, interesting & enjoyable.

We all need ways to keep our minds busy, I am finding this is a really great & fun way, yes it definitely hurts my brain, but I am loving learning something that is completely different for me.

So, let yourself imagine something you would like to try, that’s completely different for you. Add more enjoyment to your life.

Chemistry ignites – short erotic story.

Sheila had always had a fantasy woman, this woman always appeared in her erotic dreams, & she always thought of her when pleasuring herself. She could imagine how it would be to kiss her breasts, run her hand down her back, lick her pussy, just like she does an ice cream. How it would feel to have this woman touch her breasts, suck on them, push her fingers inside her.

The feelings were so intense as she came, always guaranteed to work. Her woman was blonde, short, lean but curvy, with a great arse. She had attitude, almost the bad girl, full of sex appeal. Not full of herself, unaware of how attractive she is, she walks with a sexy swagger.

Sheila went out one night, she was meant to go with Marcia who cancelled at the last minute, Sheila decided she hadn’t been to the Lesbian bar for some time, why not go alone. She dressed up in her favorite low cut top, with DD breasts & a push up bra she knew the top looked good. She wore her favorite black jeans & stiletto boots. Not too much make up, & of course her green leather jacket.

Sheila walked in to the bar, feeling apprehensive, she hadn’t been out alone before, she had always wanted to, just to prove to herself she could. She walked up to the bar & ordered her standard drink a scotch on the rocks. Top shelf scotch, she loved a good scotch. Sheila took a sip & licked her lips, she closed her eyes as the familiar burning sensation went down her throat, good scotch she thought.

‘Excuse me, can I sit here?’ Said a voice next to her, Sheila opened her eyes & blinked, was something in her drink? Her woman was in front of her, exactly as she imagined. The only thing different, she was living & breathing.

‘Sure, ah yep.’ Sheila said in a quiet voice. ‘Thanks, just stopped for a quick drink. Hey can I get a top shelf scotch on the rocks?’ Sheila looked in awe, she had good taste. ‘So, uh, I haven’t seen you here before?’ Sheila could have slapped herself, did she really just say that?

‘Ha! That’s an old line, no I don’t go to bars much, I tend to stick to home & friends. Actually, I hate being hit on, I stay away from bars, clubs, all of it.’ Sheila nodded ‘sorry, that just came out. I didn’t mea’ Sheila was cut off. ‘Don’t worry, look I am just here for the drink. Where are your friends?’

‘Well, um I came alone actually.’ Sheila went bright red with embarrassment. ‘Seriously? Girl that takes guts, good on you. You never know what will happen. I like a woman who walks to her own beat.’ Her blue eyes looked straight into Sheila’s, keeping her transfixed.

‘So you like good Scotch, do you live locally? Oh, ha I am Axel, nice to meet you.’ Sheila looked at Axel ‘Sheila, & yes I live within walking distance. I love a good scotch, I have two indulgences, Scotch & lingerie.’

‘Oh, who is the lingerie for?’ Axel asked. ‘Me, I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Sheila said getting more confident. ‘Well I am going to be forward, how about we go to your place & enjoy some scotch?’ Axel said whilst obviously looking at Sheila’s chest. Sheila sat up straighter & pushed her chest out a bit, making it clear they were Axels for the taking.

Axel looked up, ‘Maybe whilst we enjoy a scotch you could put on some lingerie for me to admire you in?’ Sheila felt her pulse quicken, wetness pooled in her panties, she was desperate to undress Axel. ‘Axel I would love to sit in a corset & suspenders, with crotchless knickers, red I think, for you to admire & watch me get the scotch ready.’ Sheila had never been so bold in her life. Axel chocked on some scotch, obviously not expecting such boldness.

‘Let’s go babe, I can drive you.’ Axel said as she put money down for the drinks, grabbed Sheila’s hand & pulled her towards the exit. Sheila could feel Axels pulse was quick, her palms a little sweaty, her swagger almost had Sheila drooling.

Axel unlocked her car, Sheila got in the passenger side, she was about to pull her seat belt across, when Axel leant across, kissing her lightly on the top of her breasts, Axel grabbed the seat belt & clicked it in. Sheila was squirming. ‘Anticipation baby, I want you soaking wet for me.’ Axel said with a crocked smile. Sheila closed her eyes & moaned.

Sheila unlocked her front door, walked into the kitchen, grabbed Axel & lifted her on to the counter. Before Axel could speak Sheila kissed her, parting her lips with her tongue, Sheila slowly drew out Axels tongue & started sucking it. Axel pulled back, ‘I want your tongue inside me.’ Sheila laughed & said ‘Anticipation baby.’ Axel grabbed her & took of her jacket, top & bra quickly, she squeezed one breast & started sucking on the other.

Sheila could feel this was not going to take long, Axel pushed down her jeans, & in a swift movement, parted her legs & thrust her fingers inside her, Sheila’s legs almost gave way with the pleasure. Axel turned her around, put an arm around her waist, bent her forward & thrust two fingers in & out, it was as if Axel knew what she wanted, Axel started to thrust harder & faster, Sheila could feel herself dripping down her leg, suddenly the most intense orgasm took her over. Axel didn’t stop, she kept going whilst Sheila felt like she had honey running through her veins. The feeling was euphoric.

As her orgasm started to dim Sheila took Axels fingers out, spun around & almost ripped off Axels jeans. Sheila spread her legs wide & pushed her tongue inside her. The taste, the taste of Axel was so sweet, as it ran down Sheila’s throat she moaned the taste & feel of Axel was bringing another orgasm. Sheila licked up to her clit, she sucked on her clit, flicking it with her tongue. Axel was trying so hard to control herself, not to finish yet, but her body had other ideas.

Sheila licked up into Axel as far as she could, she thrust her tongue in & out, suddenly Axels orgasm took over, Axel squirted right down Sheila’s throat. Sheila orgasmed again from the feel, the taste, the bucking of Axels hips.

Sheila stood up, ‘how about that scotch now?’ Axel looked at her with fuzzy eyes, ‘sure baby, then round two.’ Sheila shivered at the thought, she went & got her best bottle of scotch & two glasses. She hoped they would be up all night.

Fan the embers.

You ain’t the same, your light is dimming

I know you don’t mean to, life just extinguishers your flame

All the stress, the constant slamming of demands on you

Time to kick it back, stop saying yes, stop being the pleaser

Your the number one, take yourself to the front of the queue

Tell others do not pass go, do not collect $200

Let’s grab some fine food, refuel your fire, fan the embers

Get some rest, turn off that phone, curl up in my arms

Be warm & snug, on the flip side you will return to you.

Ten things about me & what they mean.

I read a blog post today, & found it interesting to know more about the writer, so here are ten things about me, & what they mean.

Hair colour: Blonde

Eye colour: Blue/Green

Fun Fact: I am ridiculously clumsy.

Favourite stone: every girl loves diamonds, for me I love the black ones, they are mysterious & beautiful.

Black diamonds represent inner strength and justice. They are great for a woman who wants to stand apart and stand strong in her conviction.

Favourite colour: I have always loved green, it reminds me of the forest.

Prone to putting lots of importance on money and security.

Those who love green desperately want to feel secure in both their finances and relationships. They’re also social butterflies and are probably on a diet as we speak.

Favourite drink: Coffee, Latte if I can!!

Latte drinkers like to choose options that are safe and familiar. The latte is like a security blanket that offers warmth and support in the middle of a harsh day. Those soft peaks of foamed milk on the top of a latte are like little pillows that cushion blows from the cruel world. A latte might be your go-to drink if you like comfort, familiarity, and coziness. Fans of the latte tend to also love things like fuzzy scarves and handmade throw pillows.

Favourite music: heavy metal & hard rock I find soothing.

If you enjoy rock and heavy metal, then your mind is quite intuitive and open to future possibilities. You love to weave ideas and reflect on your life.

Favourite sleeping position: I have always slept on my side, either side, but generally left.

If sleeping on either of your sides is your go-to comfy position, it means you are an easy-going person, who welcomes everyone with an open heart.

Further, if your preferred sleeping side is left you may be more creative.

Favourite season: I love the start of spring, the end of winter, it’s not too hot & not too cold.

If spring is your favorite season, then you might crave new experiences, and the spring season offers the chance of renewal that you need after a long, cold winter.

Mountains or beach: I hate sand, & I love mountains.

You like seclusion. CREATIVE It is likely that you have a creative pursuit in your life. It could either be writing, painting, sketching, or singing. You belong to the mountains because you think they bring out the best in you.

PHILOSOPHICAL, you like conversations that are much deeper. You love talking about art, nature, life and philosophy. Also, this makes you a much better listener.

Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Suddenly single.

So, your life has suddenly changed, weather it be a relationship breakdown or a tragic event. You find yourself in unfamiliar waters, wondering what the hell do I do know?

Firstly you are not alone, secondly have you stocked up on your favourite alcoholic beverage? Trust me you will need it.

 

It’s hard moving on, or in my case, my wife has an Acquired Brain Injury & can not talk or move, I am very lucky that I have met someone else, who understands they share my heart.

There is a lot to that story, but we are here to talk about you. I know you are probably feeling awful, looking at all your lumps & bumps. Let me tell you, other people won’t care, & do not see them like you do. They will see your beauty inside & out. However, I have learnt putting in effort every day to look good seriously helps!

 

You don’t have to love all of yourself yet, let’s start with one thing. For me, my boobs! I am a DD, I am 45 & they are still perky!! Just find one thing you like about yourself, you can build it from there. I guarantee you will find more, & you will surprise yourself.

 

Everyone will have advice, I know they care. The thing is it gets quite annoying when everyone wants to have a say on your life. It is much easier just to say thank you, I appreciate that you care, & move on. If people think you have listened, & appreciate they made an effort they generally move on.

 

Now this is about you, but people want to be seen to be doing the right thing. Feel free to say no thank you to offers from those who really are just doing it so they feel good. You don’t have the energy for them, just let them go.

 

Kids, my saving grace with my daughter was having three people I could call on whenever I needed, if it was just for a few hours or overnight. I trust them & like them, more importantly my daughter felt safe & loved with them. The other thing with kids, be honest about what is happening, don’t keep secrets.  They will feel more secure if they know what is happening.

 

Lastly, this is a very quick guide, there will be many things that pop up. Just do the best you can, don’t doubt yourself. Remember to smile, remember to laugh. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t loose yourself to it.

 

Now, go grab a beverage, sit back, enjoy the moment, & just allow yourself to let things go a little.

Unexpected pleasure.

She was lying on the bed, half asleep, relaxed

Wearing only her singlet & knickers

Her partner walked in & stopped taking the time to appreciate the sight

The white singlet was pulled hard across her nipples

Her breasts were perfect in every way

Her stomach lean, with just a little bump from dinner

Her knickers showed the start of her core, it was clear she shaved

Her lips were plump & pink, how she loved kissing those lips

Her hair was long with a slight curl, draped over her shoulder

She walked up to the bed, she kissed both nipples

She was met with a little surprised moan

She lifted up the singlet to expose those perfect breasts

She sucked one, & lightly pinched the nipple of the other

She was almost knocked off when her hips started bucking

She slid her hand down between her legs, she found her moist & ready

She slid one finger in, drew it out & sucked on the taste

She slid down pulled the panties down

Before she could say anything she thrust her tongue inside, back out & circled around

She licked up to her clit, sucked on it hard

Licking & sucking until she could feel she was close

She went back to her core, tasting the honey running down

She thrust her tongue in, her girlfriend grabbed her hair

She used her hair to push her tongue in & out

She pushed her tongue in as far as she could

Loving the sensation of her girlfriend taking control

From one thrust to the next, the honey came flowing out

Legs shaking, still thrusting her head she kept the honey of her pleasure flowing

When she was done, she grabbed her girlfriend & thrust her fingers in

It took only a few thrusts, the pleasure of tasting her girlfriend

Had left her ready to let her own honey flow

They lay down in each other’s arms

The love between them clear, they were both satisfied

They are comfortable knowing love & fucking go hand in hand

There will be times for making love, they knew they had a lifetime.

10 year old drama.

I always thought the school drama between girls would start at thirteen or later, once high school starts.

I was wrong! I have found myself very unprepared for my 10 year old daughter to tell me what is happening. How the girls calm each other mean, say I hate you one day & are friends the next.

Now she is not innocent, she has said a few things, & I am right on that, it’s not ok, I heard her saying some nasty things about one of the girls, so I made her write an apology letter.

She didn’t have to give the letter to the girl, I asked her to imagine how she would feel if that girl found out what she said & what would she say to apologise. She thought this was crazy until she wrote it.

All of a sudden an understanding of how her words could affect someone became clear to her. She was upset she had said it, & understood why I pulled her up on it.

I am not naive I am sure she will say things again, hopefully not until she is older. She is too young, this bitchiness at school should not happen in primary school, it’s far too young.

Being a victim of school bullying, I was the nerdy girl, I will not stand for it. As I hope I can teach her.

Reality.

My father & I had a very special relationship, he understood me in a way no one else did, he understood the way I think & the complex reality of living with bi polar.

When he passed in January I was lost, in some ways I still feel lost. This week very lost. Last Sunday was Father’s Day, today is his birthday he would have been 74.

I allow myself to grieve, but I also do not loose myself to it. My father was many things, he was incredibly smart & driven, he was tenacious. As much as I am incredibly emotional today, I refuse to let myself fall.

My father taught me well, he made sure I knew how to be strong, he also made sure I understood how to manage & balance my emotions & reality. When we are full of emotion it is easy to loose a grip on reality.

I know he was proud of me, I will continue to make him proud, make myself proud, most of all teach my daughter how to balance.

My pleasure is yours.

I looked at you, you had just walked out of the shower

You had water beading on your skin

You dropped your towel & looked at me

I grabbed you & pushed you up against the wall

Kissing you hard, I ran my tongue over yours

I felt your whole body tremble, your nipples hardened

I picked you up, you wrapped your legs around my waist

I love the feeling of you wrapped around me, naked & wanting

I carried you to the bathroom sink, & told you to stand

You normally hate being told what to do, this time you moaned

I asked for your leg, I threw your leg over my shoulder

Standing on the sink with your legs spread

You looked like a goddess, perfect lines & curves

I thrust my tongue inside you, I started licking & sucking

I licked you like an ice cream cone, in & out

When you came, I had to catch you

Your body relaxed & you had a look of bliss on your face

I love knowing it was me that made you feel so good.

Memories of music.

‘You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see.’ William sang as he glided gracefully over the floor, in his arms his wife smiled up at him, this was there song, not the wedding song, there private song. He often played it after dinner, & would sing it to her, & they would start to dance.

He loved the smell of her floral fragrance, as it lightly filled the air as they danced, the shampoo she used, he knew that smell. She would tuck her head under his chin, & sigh, her hair would tickle his nose as they moved. She never once refused to dance with him, always with a shy smile, almost like she could still not believe he loved her.

She was 16 when they met, she was the younger sister of a friend, she thought she was a plain Jane, she didn’t see herself as beautiful. When he first saw her, he noticed the natural red highlights in her hair that shone when she stood in the sun, the way her smile lit up her face, her eyes twinkling with happiness.

He noticed the way she often wrung her hands when she was nervous, but what he really noticed was the way she moved. When she danced, she let the music guide her, she looked graceful & beautiful, it appeared to him that she was gliding over the floor, her feet barley touching the floor.

William did another twirl around the floor, he remembered how beautiful she looked on their wedding day, unlike the other girls she had chosen an understated dress, it was perfect for dancing. She was 18, just, the week before she had turned 18, he had just turned 23. As the glided down the aisle she had radiated happiness, he had hoped he could keep her happy forever.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, he had surprised her, he had organised for the priest who married them to another ceremony, not another wedding, it was just the two of them. A ceremony that was all about her, the scarifies she had made for him & their children. How she had always put everyone else first, even when her favourite band came on tour, he had been working late, the babysitter cancelled, so she didn’t go. When he asked why she didn’t call him, he would have come home, he knew how much music meant to her, she smiled, ‘No darling, you bring in the money, I do the home. There will be another time.’

He had made sure there was another time, when they went to dance at the end of the ceremony, he had arranged a live web link to the band, they played just for her. She was speechless, & knew she was appreciated.

He twirled around & other memories came to mind, a lifetime of memories, everyone one had a song to go with it, always there was music in their house, car, in their lives. ‘You are so beautiful’ The song was finishing, he started to slow down.

William, come on now, you know you should be in bed, come on, lets go.’ said the man standing next to him, who was this man?

‘William? It’s me Joe, you live here now. Are you dancing with your wife again? I love hearing the stories of your wife. Why don’t you tall me one whilst I walk you to your room.’

William was confused, he started walking slowly with Joe. He was about to ask where his wife was, a nagging memory told him not to, he somehow knew she had passed on. The memory of that was fuzzy, he hung on to the memories of music.

Give & take.

Centre yourself mind, body, spirit

Breathe deeply, slowly, no distractions

Feel the calm roll through yourself

Allow yourself to let go

Centre mind, body, spirit with the earth

Fill yourself up with energy

Let the earth provide renewed energy

Slowly come back to yourself

Let yourself feel the energy within

Give your thanks to earth

Give back what has been taken

With energy the earth needs

Care for your part of earth & give back

The earth will always provide energy.

Hardwired.

I am hardwired to self destruct

I am hardwired to self believe

I am hardwired to self sabotage

I am hardwired to self help

We are all hardwired to destroy ourselves

We are all hardwired to thrive as ourselves

We are all hardwired to be human, faults & all.

Refuge.

I am driving up the hill, tired & stressed after work

I reach a point in the road I know, I put down my window

The air comes in, the fresh mountain air, I breathe it in deeply

I can feel myself start to relax, the air is different here, you can’t help but relax

I drive up my driveway, admiring the forest as I do, looking at the huge gum trees

I almost pinch myself, I feel this way every time I come home

I am so lucky to live here, it’s so peaceful, quiet & breathtakingly beautiful

I walk inside, I am greeted by my daughter with a big smile

This is home, my place of safety, my refuge from the world

Our home is perfect for us all, I am happy, safe & loved

I am relaxed & no longer stressed, I know I am home.

Imperfectly perfect.

I feel something inside, something that is heavy

I try to say it out aloud but my words come out in a jumble

I need to be in your thoughts, when you are doing things

To remember that at times you need to think how it will affect me

To think what it I need, I try to always do this for you

We are a team, we both have our parts to do

Please remember that if you take your time

This could have effects you are not thinking of

I need you to please understand, there are times to look at my side

To not get angry & say hurtful things, to try to see why I am reacting

We are both complicated people, both strong & stubborn

I need to be more flexible, & more tolerant of doing things in your time

Please don’t ever think it is just you, we both have ownership

We both need to be able to stop & think, we are both human, imperfectly perfect.

Surprise!! it’s me life, here to test you!

You know how sometimes it just feels like life is testing you? As if thinking how much can she handle? *insert sinister laugh*

Today that is how I feel, I woke up to my daughter in a awful mood as she didn’t want to go to school, sorry I said you have to go. *Insert childs high pitched voice* I hate you, your the worst Mum!!! *insert heart breaking.*

I knew this would happen I just wasn’t expecting it at 10, I still felt heart broken, then happy. You may wonder why happy? We have been through so much, this was a normal reaction from a pre teen, somehow I got her through it, she is somehow not as scarred as I thought.

After getting grumpy to school, making sure I tell her on the way I do love her, I am proud of her, I get home & start work. One hour later my phone rings.

As I listen I am in shock, a relative of a family member passed away overnight, no reason she was 35. Healthy, happy & has a family. For some reason she didn’t wake up.

This was a shock you don’t expect, not from someone so healthy, no known medical issues. I feel for her shocked family, the pain & confusion they must be feeling.

These two things tested me, really made me have to manage my emotions. I did, I am proud of myself. I did not let anything pull me down.

Now we get ready for tomorrow, & to be there for loved ones.

Return to self.

It is so very easy to let others change you, to take criticism to heart

I was told I was too loud, dull it down I told myself

I was told I was too much, stop being so excitable I kept telling myself

I was told I was too emotional, just don’t feel I reminded myself

Then one day I didn’t know who I was anymore

I made a decision, to return myself to me, find her again within

I am loud at times, that’s ok, it can be quite funny

I am too much, I am a big kid, I love to get excited over the little things

I am emotional, I am driven by emotion, that’s ok, I love & care deeply

I am me, I returned to me, it took time, I had to believe

Those that are my family & friends are so relieved

They missed who I was, they were waiting & hoping for the big return of me.

What I miss.

I miss so much at night, I hear the creatures in the trees

I hear the wind & the rain, I hear the trees moving, leaves rustling

I can feel the energy of the night, calm & peaceful so many are asleep

I can feel the breeze, the coldness of the night

I can’t see the trees, I can’t see all the creatures

I miss so much at night, so much I can not see

Night blindness takes my vision when there is no sun

My other senses take over, my hearing picks up every little sound

My sense of smell breathes in the night, the air so cold & refreshing

My skin picks up the energy, the coldness

In the dark of night outside, I feel calm, I can let my senses take over.

Life complexity.

My life is complicated & very hard for people to get there head around at times. Today is a perfect example of how my life is, & how at times it gets all too much.

My girlfriend & I had an argument last night, this morning we woke up, wrapped our arms around each other & apologised, it was an argument that was unnecessary.

We had breakfast with our daughter, then started to get ready for the day. I was emotional to say the least. My girlfriend is an incredibly understanding woman.

Today I was taking our daughter to visit her Mama my wife. Now this is where people struggle to get there head around it, yes I am married, my wife however has a severe ABI & can not move or talk.

I will always stand by my wife, but my life has moved on as well. We go regularly to see her, I am very involved with her care & well being.

I was emotional over seeing her today, & our daughter struggles seeing her Mama like she is, as we all would.

Visit went quite quickly, & very happily, as happy as we can all be. Our daughter & I make sure we are smiling & happy, we are honest about things, but always happy at the start & end of a visit.

I dropped our daughter off for a sleepover on the way home, & then home for a night with my girlfriend which I need.

Life is complicated, everyone has different complications, it’s important to me, to take time with people, let them talk about their complications, & give them the information & lessons I have learnt in the last four years. It’s an unknown territory for many, to be mid thirties & suddenly your partner is very different.

Wrestling the mind.

I know you struggle inside your head, I see the fight in your eyes

I see how you reject the thought you can be loved

I know how it feels, I struggle with this fight

Some days it seems to get all too much, it becomes a yelling in our heads

When we are both wrestling with our own demons

We try to be there for each other, some days it’s not what we need

Some days what we can give is not enough

Remember the fight I have is as hard as yours

Remember I am here, sometimes a little more faded then others

I know my love, you are the same.

Striking beauty.

I was tired, I lay down for a bit, reenergise my tired body

You came in after cutting the wood, wet & cold from the rain

You looked at me curled up in bed, my eyes were closed

I heard you open the shower door, you stood in the bathroom doorway

You started to remove your clothes, very slowly

Your jumper came off, soaking wet, your tee shirt clung to your body

You had no bra on, your breasts were clear for me to see

I loved looking at the perfect round shape, seeing the outline of your nipples

Your jeans looked as if they were sprayed on, clinging to every bit of your long legs

You slowly pushed them down, keeping your legs straight so your body looked like pure seduction

You took them off your feet & stood up straight, taking your hair out & letting it flow down your back

You turned & looked at me, completely naked, strikingly beautiful

Your whole body was a work of art, you ran your hand down your chest

You smiled a wicked smile & walked into the shower, making sure to swing your hips.

Worthy.

There are times we all feel we are far too unattractive to be wanted

Too ugly inside to be loved by another

Too much baggage for anyone to want to share a life with

This weighs us down, it shows in the way we look

The effort taken when going out suddenly seems so useless

It’s as if suddenly we can see ourselves so clearly

When we start to feel this way, take a minute to understand

Know that this is not how others see you

Take off those glasses that lie, we need to see the truth

We are all worth loving, we all deserve to be wanted

Remember that each of us struggle with this

Self worth is a constant struggle, turn to a loved one

Ask them why you are worth loving, listen & take it in

Then take the effort when going out, remember you are worth it.

Tolerance.

You know what I really dislike & struggle with on a daily basis? It’s the pressure from society to be a certain way, to look the way they want you too.

Now I am a woman of size, there is more of me to love. I have tried over the years many different ways to change this, the issue is my metabolism is so slow, no matter what I do, including exercising like crazy.

I have tried diets, shakes, cutting out many foods, nothing will work. My doctor finally just said, this is you, you can’t change it.

I was taken aback by this, but she explained it is my genetics, my dad & his dad were the same.

So I have had to try to accept this, now it would be a whole lot easier if I could walk into any store & buy clothes, or even eat something in public without being judged by others.

I have been called names, I have been made fun of, I am 45 & still people say things. I am not playing the victim, but there needs to be understanding that not everyone can be a size society deems acceptable.

It has become far too common for people to judge a stranger, to think they know exactly what that person is like.

This is what I dislike & struggle with. I am who I am, I am trying to learn to be ok with it.

If you see someone calling someone a name because they are bigger, please call it out. That person has a story, do you want to add a positive to that story, or let another negative be added.

I say let’s add more positives. Let’s try to be more understanding of each other, let’s try to not jump to conclusions.

Perfection.

I watch you struggle with yourself, always believing you are not enough

Thinking you are not beautiful, picking apart every negative you see

You criticise every part of you, your legs are always the most hated part of you

You call yourself plain, you tell yourself you are not intelligent

I know none of this is true, I know that you are far more then you see

I see the beauty in your face, a timeless, classical beauty with long blonde hair

I see your sparkling blue eyes, they are often filled with humour & love

I see your perfect legs, they are long, they are so smooth & shapley

Your mind is the most attractive part, quick witted, intelligent & full of questions

Your spirit shines from within, caring, loving & giving

The personality that you possess is quirky & brilliant, never failing to surprise me

To me there is too much to say, it’s easier to say you are perfection.

Let’s get real – menopause needs to be talked about.

As a teenager my mum told me what to expect from my period, I had education at school on what to expect, my friends all discussed how they were feeling.

We compared symptoms, we all started our first period within about 18 months of each other, we knew it was not going to a fun experience, we knew all sorts of symptoms we could experience.

Now I am at the other end of the journey, Perimenopause. Just like most women I was aware I would start menopause in about my mid fifties, some hot flushes, mood swings, the upside no more periods.

Wrong, oh so wrong, no one told me about Perimenopause. No doctor, no nurse or other medical professional, there were no colourful information sheets at the doctors to tell me I was going to start this mid forties for most women. I was 40 when things started to change.

My question is, why are we not told? To give you an idea, most women experience hair loss, mood swings, hot flushes, anxiety, bloating, weight gain, feelings of self hatred, lack of sex drive & vaginal dryness & the list goes on.

Everyone of course has varying degrees, some symptoms & not others. My mum for instance went through a few hot flushes.

As for me, I thought I was having a mental breakdown, anxiety, depression, real self hate issues, I could not look in the mirror. I would cry for hours on end, vertigo, bloating, water retention so severe I have never experienced anything like it. Some of my jeans would not fit over my ankles.

This is just a light description, I still suffer symptoms, insomnia, self hate comes & goes. The theory behind self hate is that our bodies can not carry a child anymore, in my case I am unable to anyway so it’s odd feeling.

After many doctors visits & research it was clear by my hormone levels this was what was happening. I then discovered I had it easy, seriously? I couldn’t work full time anymore, I could barely function with the brain fog & memory loss some days.

I did find great support through Facebook where there are Perimenopause support groups, other women that get the despair.

The medical support available such as HRT & other alternatives can be great, if you can have them, some women like myself unfortunately can not.

So, if you are reading this, educate yourself, start a conversation with friends, talk to your doctor.

Let’s get real about this, let’s start saying to our governments, this needs to be a conversation, there needs to be education & support around this.

Please don’t presume.

I can tell by your tone you think you know me, you have put me in a box

You see what you want to see, you have avoided look at the sadness in my eyes

You are choosing not to acknowledge the self conscious way I keep adjusting my clothes

You are only looking at what is right there in front of you

I know I am rude to cut you off, but you are talking down to me

You are presuming I am not intelligent, you are presuming I am unaware of how fickle life can be

I will be talking now, with kindness & respect, I see the sadness in your eyes

I do not need a lecture on how to help my daughter deal with grief

I do not need another stranger telling me what to do

I know she will grieve for the rest of her life, I am choosing to give her to tools now

You may think she is too young to understand

You do not understand that she may only be 10

Due to this trauma she has to to mature too quickly, she understands too much

I want her to have the best chance in life, I want her to thrive

I will give her every tool I can, to make sure she is the best version of her she can be.

Grief & all that jazz.

Grief is a constant process, I think I am in control then wham, someone or something brings it all to the forefront of my mind.

Often our grief sits at the back, we know it’s there, it’s a constant, but it’s manageable at the back of our minds, it’s not something we have to have right in front of us.

However this is dependent on your grief, for me I do have grief that is constantly right in front of me, the grief for my wife, I have written previously about her condition. She is still alive, but definitely not the same, the grief for the living is different, & I find much harder.

The grief I have for my father, it is there, I miss him terribly, but it’s not right in front of me all the time. There are always reminders, then I will read something or watch something & think dad would love that, then I remember.

It’s confronting at first, I have found I need to feel it, acknowledge the pain I still feel, I most likely will always feel. I was incredibly close to me father, I really am my Father’s Daughter.

I am so similar to my father, this has become much more obvious since he has been gone, when someone says to me you remind me of your father.

To me this is a huge compliment, my father was a very accomplished man, he was a great man, he left a mark where he had been & changed many lives.

This is how I deal with my grief, I remind people of him, that is an honour & something to aspire to, it gives me purpose, instead of dwelling on the pain.

Please, a little quiet.

Sometimes I find myself needing time alone, time to tune out others, to hear my thoughts, my ideas.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on my life, I am sure everyone has this problem. Everyone thinks they have the best ideas, & this is what I should do.

Or as the case has been recently, what I should be doing, not just me, but what my daughter should be doing, what we should be sacrificing.

I have written before about my wife, she has an ABI & lives in a nursing home. Obviously this has been hard & painful, but for our daughter, beyond devastating.

Now four years later, I put her first. She deserves the best chance in life, some days she just can’t deal with it all, I don’t force her to visit.

A lot of people think this is wrong of me, but she is 10! She needs to be a kid! By me doing this, she is finally happy again. This has taken so much work.

I do not want to choose, if we don’t go, my wife can get upset, if we do go, my daughter becomes anxious, & can become unstable, her attachment disorder to me kicks in, she has PTSD.

So I choose, sometimes she has to go, she does need to be able to understand that some days we need to, her Mama needs to see us.

Most of the time I choose my daughter, which means my wife suffers, I hate this, it tears me up. But I know this is what she needs, to have the best chance in life, to hopefully fully recover from PTSD.

I understand why people are only focused on my wife & her mental health, that the more she sees us the happier she is, however I know & she knows that this is what she wants.

She wants our beautiful daughter to live a great life. She wants her to have a chance at just being a kid, at being happy, to thrive now so she can thrive in the future.

As the sun rises.

Tomorrow as the sun rises & the frost thaws

As the birds start to call, slowly soaring up into the sky

As the marsupials curl up for the day, to wait for night again

As the last of the deer walk back to the forest, to hide once again

I will open my eyes & rise out of bed to greet the day

With a hopeful heart, that once again all is as it should be

To let the sun warm me, to watch the birds soaring

To allow the calmness of nature, calm my soul.

Now I see.

I can not see my way, the forest is dark, the trees so tall

I feel my way with my hands, my eyes are not much use tonight

I can feel a panic rising, I know this forest, it is my regular walking place

My breath starts to catch in my throat, I try not to panic

Suddenly a light, a beautiful shining light , illuminating everything

So soft & warm is the light, I look up, I see the tops of the trees

As the branches wave in the wind, I can see the moon shining it’s light

I look around, I know where I am, I am not lost at all

I look up at the moon, I am so grateful for its light

I give a silent thanks to its timely arrival, I give thanks the moon & it’s beauty
I start making my way towards the road, it takes just a few minutes

The moon keeps shining until I am at the road, across the road is my driveway

I start walking across the road, the moonlight slowly goes

Back behind clouds, it was bright long enough for me to be safe

Almost as if the moonlight was sent just for me.

Slowly but surely.

Have you heard a lyrebird, maybe you thought you heard a chainsaw n the middle of the night

Or maybe it sounded like a bulldozer, or the sound of another tree falling

They are endangered these amazing birds, they can mimic any sound they hear

The most incredible part of this, it could be a man made noise or a natural noise

These wonderful birds live in Sherwood Forest, just a stone’s throw from my pine wood cabin up in the hills

There numbers are decreasing as the forest shrinks, they need a lot of room to roam, they are very territorial

The cars they drive so fast, down the dirt roads, right through the habitat of these beautiful birds

Far too many don’t look out, they just keep on going, not even stopping or looking back

The people that come to walk the trails, they love to feed the birds, they don’t take notice of all the signs, ensuring they know the birds can not tolerate bread

This is just one small example of how our forests are changing, as they are depleted, the whole ecosystem changes

Never did I ever think I would hear a Lyrebird sound like a bull dozer, now they have heard the sound so often, it has become a natural Lyrebird call.

Sting my heart.

My scorpion woman is a irresistible force

With her long legs, perfectly shaped & touchable

Her waist that is made just for me, my arms fit perfectly

Her dearie is round & perky, always teasing my eyes

Her breasts are perfect in every way, filling my mouth

Her lips like a bow, just begging for a kiss

Her eyes are blue, they seem to be sapphires, twinkling at me

Her mind, is by far her sexiest part, quick as a whip, always ready to delve into debate

Her tastiest part is between her perfect legs, her honey is sweet

There is not a part of this Scorpio that has not stung my heart.

Scars on my soul.

The bird was laying on the ground, it was breathing, ready to give up

I scooped it up, it’s wing was broken, it’s leg was cut, the little bird put up no fight

I could imagine how it’s feeling, full of pain from the break, cuts & bruises

Full of despair, no hope left in its eyes, it’s spirit broken

I chock back tears, I can feel everything the sweet bird is feeling

I can feel the pain, trauma & despair

It is no bird, it’s my spirit I hold, broken from all I have been through

Not today I say, I want to give in, the desire to just let go is so strong

Not today, I pull myself back from the edge, I force myself to take some deep breaths

Not today I repeat, I force myself to feel something else

I can feel the despair ease, I can see a glimmer of hope

I grab on, I force myself towards the light, I stand up

I can do this, I tell myself, you can get through this

I slowly let the hope fill me up, I open my eyes, I am still here

My spirit is slowly healing, there will be a scar, a scar to say I can

To remind me I am still standing.

Mesmerising.

I look at the colour, bright & beautiful, changing all the time

I feel the heat warming me, as if the colour is running through me

I watch the dance of the colours as the breeze changes

I could sit here for hours, getting lost in all I see

This fire brings back memories which dance in the flames

I can feel the emotions from each that I watch

This is my own personal memory movie tonight

To mesmerise me, to remind me of how lucky I am.

Black Beauty Of A Day.

Some days it just seems like everything is not right, off kilter. I know in my mind this is part mental health, part PTSD, part lack of sleep. It’s a battle to get your mind to accept this.

To me, this does not make sense, so our mind is giving us the reason why we feel the way we do, yet the same mind is also making us feel so awful.

For those that don’t suffer from mental health, it feels like this: imagine arguing with one of those people that will not change what they are saying, or who they are saying it. They know they are right, you will not convince them otherwise. Eventually you end up yelling or walking away. What if you can’t?

What if you are stuck arguing with this person, you can’t leave, you can’t stop them, all you can do is try to ignore the constant noise, & argue or reason with them.

Sounds fun doesn’t it? I really struggle with the argument, as I am sure I can win, I do a lot. I come up with an argument that can’t loose.

Then at other times, I loose, I loose so badly the world seems to swallow me. Today is a day that I am not losing, we are about even. I am well aware I am mentally & physically exhausted, my arguments are lacking, I can see the hole starting to open.

Then my day suddenly changed, in the best way! My partner arrived home from work, she presented me with a stunning pair of black diamond earrings. I have always wanted a pair, I love them, they are perfect!

So I have the trump argument for today. The other one arguing with me suddenly goes silent. I am worth it, I am loved, I mean something to someone. Most of all, someone who I adore, adores me.

The itch.

I got back from the school run, you kissed me hard, then you walked away, but I knew, I could feel your desire.

I did my usual morning routine, with you hovering & watching, I unzipped my top a little, your breath hitched.

I went into my office, after an hour you came in with coffee, the look on your face made things clear, you had no intention of leaving.

You hugged me, I kissed you, there was no holding back, you wanted no foreplay. You sat on my desk, yanked off your pants & spread your legs.

I knew what you wanted, I didn’t hesitate, I licked you hard, you almost came undone.

I teased you, you grabbed my hair, you held me head in place & moved yourself against my tongue, pushing hard from your perfect clit to your core.

I came undone before you, your taste, your feel, the control you had was all too much. I watched you watching my tongue go in & out of you, I love you watching.

Suddenly you bent your back & completely lost your hold, I felt you running down my throat, I love the taste of you.

I lifted you off the desk onto the chair, your legs were shaking with pleasure. You looked at me, yes we had just fucked your look said, but I love you.

Acceptance.

As she slowly walked down the stairs
Her heart would not calm down
Her hands had started to sweat
She had never wanted this
She had never asked for this
She looked down, her loved ones at the bottom
They all looked up at her, time stood still
How could she tell them, she knew they would be disappointed
She cleared her throat, a tear ran down her cheek
I am so sorry she is about to say, sorry I am not enough
All of a sudden her parents step forward
Stop they say, do not do this, stop trying to make us happy
Please, it’s time to be you, let yourself shine
You are perfect just the way you are, never a disappointment to us
She felt like she may fall, suddenly things changed
She sat up, her dream had felt real, she knew her parents loved her
They had struggled with acceptance as most do
In the end they loved her just the way she was.

Windows to the soul.

I look into your eyes I see all that you are

I see the kindness, love & care you give to the elderly, it’s not just a job the care you give

I see the knowledge of what is coming, your intuition calling you

I see the hesitation to trust another, to trust you will not be left broken again

I see the desire to be loved for who you are, not who they could change you to be

I see your pain, the years of being left to fend for yourself, you were just a child

I see the strength of you, the absolute pillar you are to stand on your own two feet

I see how you fight the need inside to relay on another

I see your love, your love for me, the pure force of love that you did not expect

I see your trust, your trust that I will not leave you broken, I will love you for who you are

I see you finally reaching peace & understanding that you are no longer alone

I see you close your eyes & sigh in contentment, you have found where you belong.

Phoenix.

It’s odd isn’t it, we are told not to be too full of ourselves, meaning don’t show too much confidence, then we are told to be confident. People don’t stop & ask you what you are proud of, they ask so many other questions. It’s hard to be proud of ourselves.

I struggle to say anything positive about myself, but one thing I am so proud of, it’s part of me, partly DNA, part personality trait, part self belief no matter how I struggle.

Inner strength. I have faced my share of battles, I have been through things that should not happen to anyone, & I have been through absolute tragedy & heartbreak.

I have found each time I am at that point of feeling like it’s all too much, I get this extra strength, it pushes me forward, it gives me the belief I can do it.

I call it my Phoenix, it’s the fire that lives inside, when I need it, it just comes. I am proud of this, grateful for this, I hope I am showing my daughter how to cope & live a good life, whilst managing when things get really hard.

Veil – short story.

That night was a night like no other, I could feel the veil between the worlds getting weaker. The souls on the other side were calling to their loved ones, there were some with only revenge on their mind, they could not rest.

I have always been taught how you are in life is how you will be after. Revenge is not something I ever let enter my mind.
I had tried to tell the locals, best to stay in doors, I couldn’t really tell them why, they thought I was crazy anyway, only when they wanted to talk to their loved ones that had passed is the only time they came to me.

So, here they were, out at the bar, the ladies on their nightly stroll in their best dresses. As I watched I saw Marigold walk out of the saloon, no one knows who she really is, she blew into town five years ago, seems intent on staying. I say she is hiding, she has evil in her.

I suddenly felt the ground shift, there is was the veil was now only a thread. The souls started swarming, they let me be, they knew I would send them back.

Most of them were harmless, they would check on their kin & go back. They just needed to see. I let them go, it takes far too much energy to stop so many, they can look.

Then I felt it, a black energy, it wasn’t just after revenge, it was here to claim a soul, a bargain made, but payment never received. I knew there was a payment that had to be paid, you can’t run from a pact like that.

Marigold suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, I could see her fear, almost taste it in the air. It suddenly all made sense, she had been hiding, but she had told the truth.

Her husband had died quite suddenly six years ago, he was very sick, the doctor had told her he would die, but it would be very slow & painful, he was rotting from the inside out, she had said his legs were purple & the muscle seemed to have turned to liquid.

I understood, she had made a deal so he did not die in agony. Death came for all, not all suffer.
It was at this moment I could see exactly what had happened, Marigolds husband had been touched by evil, it knew she would make a deal to end his suffering, a deal made with evil can not be undone, unless evil was the source of the reason for the deal.

I had no choice, I stood up, I let my power flare, not the subdued power the town usually sees, my full power, I let my necromancy shine. I knew I looked like a walking shimmering green flame, I didn’t care.

The evil turned around, but I had the upper hand, it had underestimated how powerful I was, I was 300 years old, I had built power.

For the first time in a long time I let it loose, it wound around the evil, rendering it useless. I asked if a deal had been made that it had been the reason for the sickness, oh it tried to fight, tried to lie, I just let my power inflict the worst it could.

Finally the evil relented, the blackness poured out of the human body it had taken. The man left was left lying on the road, there would be no life left.
Marigold was ready to tear the blackness apart, she had sacrificed everything.

In one last strike I took it down, I absorbed the little goodness in it, the rest was bound forever as a useless shell of itself.
I pulled my power back, it had a mind of its own in that moment, but I took control.

Marigold looked up at me, she was a broken woman, she hated herself, but she could not have known.
I walked over, I gave her the one thing the evil had kept, I gave her her husband’s wedding ring.
Things have been so different since that night, the locals have welcomed me into their homes, they have changed the way they think, they are also scared of me.
I don’t mind, if they are scared, they will listen.

Short story- Desire.

It was one of those hot summer nights, perfect for staying up all night.

I didn’t want to stay inside all night, I wanted to feel alive, I wanted excitement, I wanted pleasure.

I grabbed my girlfriends hand told her let’s go, we both grinned like teenagers again.

The love I feel for this woman is too wild & true to put into words, she loves me so passionately.

I put my hands on either side of her face, looked into those amazing blue eyes & kissed her deep, let her feel my love & desire.

I pulled away leaving both of us breathless, we ran giddy out the door.

I drove up into the hills, I suddenly knew exactly where to go, to show her beauty like her own, to let her see how beautiful I see her.

The drive was windy, we had the music loud, the windows down, her hand on my leg, our hair was blowing out the windows, it was perfect.

I pulled into the forest & drove down the old road, at the end was a view of the city, with the lights reflected on the bay, with the tall buildings, all the colourful lights on display, it looked like a mirage on the bay.

I parked the car, I went to get a blanket out of the boot, I knew she love to sit & just take it all in, she was having none of that.

She pulled me to the front of the car, she kissed me like she couldn’t get enough, her tongue was silk against my own, her breasts pushed up against my own.

She made sure I knew she wanted me right then, she stood back, taking her top of, slowly undoing her jeans, shimmering them down, putting on a display for me.

Standing in her lingerie, I admired her perfect body, every little bump she hated I loved, I loved the parts of her she hated most, her legs, those long lean legs, she hated them, I only see perfection.

I stood up, she yanked my top off, my bra went with it, before I could kiss her, her lips & hands were all over me, making me feel breathless, she is Aphrodite this woman, she knows exactly what I like, she knows how to touch me.

When she was through I struggled to move, she took off her panties, told me to lie back, she had a look on her face that was clear, pure ecstasy was coming her way.

I knew what she wanted, I laid on my back, she quickly gave me access to her core, the taste her nectar she knows I love, happily giving her the pleasure she wanted, licking & sucking the orgasms out of her, not letting her catch her breath.

When we both regained our breath, the sun was slowly rising over the bay.

It was still warm, it was perfect, I felt alive with joy & happiness. We both looked at each other, no words were needed, we could see the love on each other’s faces.

Take what you need not want.

An awful storm hit us, I say it’s awful but really it was just very windy, rainy & cold. Trees came down across the roads, huge gum trees, we were lucky. Our house is fine, we are ok. Other houses were not so lucky.

That’s the thing with living in a forest area, you know in winter with the storms trees will come down, in summer you have to watch for fires.

When you buy a house in this kind of area, you know that’s part of the deal.

This is what makes me really quite cranky, is when residents start to say the trees need to go. I get it if the tree is on their land, & is right next to their house.

However with the trees on nature strips, at the edge of the forest, no, these do not need to go. The trees were here before the houses, the trees are part of the reason we live in a National park zone.

If you didn’t want to live around trees, why buy in this area? This I simply do not understand. I know it’s cheaper here to buy then the city, the blocks & houses are bigger, the schools are less crowded.

I love that my daughter is growing up here, she can ride her bike on the dirt road, she really appreciates nature, loves that she has a forest at her back door. She loves all the native animals she sees, loves learning about the whole ecosystem.

She gets to see the ecosystem working, she can see all the different ways it works, how the environment recycles everything.

She has learnt we should only take what we need, as this is what she sees the environment doing, she sees how even what is discarded by one animal will be used by another.

This to me is education I could not give her, this is nature giving an education. This is how it should be, learning from the land.

I think we can all learn more from watching different ecosystems at work, how nothing is wasted, everything is recycled & they only take what they need.

Drowning in memories.

People do not see the scars inside me, the places the darkness grabbed

The scars are so clear to me, I see them all the time

The scars are pain, being grabbed by darkness, pulled down to drown

The pain fills you up too much, all your bright emotions shut down

There is only the darkness of pain & numbness filling you

No one knows this is inside me, no one looks for the scars

They all look at the face I put on, it’s easier then to peek behind the facade

Trauma & darkness scars, people tend to avoid asking how you really are

The discomfort they feel is too much for them, they know what you have been through, the loss you carry

I wish they could know, that just a little show of belief in me, just a little recognition that I am still standing

Is sometimes all it would take, to make the darkness release it’s grip

To start breathing in some air again, to live with all the reminders

To be able to have my happy place, to not feel guilty for daring to live again

To show our daughter, that bad things happen, but you can rise above.

A dance to last forever.

For my parents. 50 years married this year, Dad almost made it.

Watching at the age of 12, I was memorised by the way you glided

Normally so heavy footed, you looked light, your feet were moving in a way I had never seen

You told me once you learnt how to be so light from a brutish sport, to move so lightly your opponent didn’t even know

I look & can’t quite put them together, you are lovingly holding mum, leading her with care

It is the opposite of dancing in the ring, trading punches, trying to knock them out

The way you are so besotted with the woman in your arms, after so many years, many can only wish for this.

Now I look back at that memory, I understand, yes you were moving your feet so perfectly

I realise how much it meant for mum to know, the dance was a symbol off your commitment

You would always lead her with love, gently, filled with adoration

You would always watch where you stepped to respect what she wanted & needed, always by her side, until the end

At the end of the dance, you held her face so tenderly, you kissed her lightly, her smile was radiant

You did as you promised until the end, you danced together for fifty years,

Never once letting her go, until your final dance.

It all makes sense.

I often have that feeling of being watched when I sit outside, it’s there during the day, but at night it can be quite intense. I have never been able to figure out why, I still don’t know, but I have been researching & leant some interesting facts.

I am a lover of history, all sorts, I wondered what was here before this house. I am aware the traditional land owners are the Wurundjeri & Bunorong tribes. This is something I highly respect.

So I went researching, I found out some very interesting facts. I live on the outskirts of eastern Melbourne, semi rural area, right next to a small National park.

This park has only recently been changed from a state reserve to a national reserve, there are endangered species that live there, I thought nothing of it.

The park used to be a goldfield, the biggest situated so close to Melbourne, I have no idea how I did not know this. It was a highly profitable gold field, also due to the extreme cold in winter & heat in summer there were a high amount of deaths.

There was a huge fire that took the church & chapel, they were not rebuilt on the same location. I was quite intrigued by this, I have never known this to be a gold area. There are tulip & flower farms, tourist areas to see the forest, feed the cockatoos.

Turns out this was deliberate, to stop the gold traffic. Once no more was found, a wealthy farmer purchased a huge amount of land, he started to grow flowers, the land was perfect for flowers.

It started a new farming industry, they did so well a lot of the farms around have been here for over a hundred & fifty years, which for Australia is very old!!!

Power of the unseen dance.

I heard the music, as I was walking down the hallway, it was your music, the music you like to dance to

You tell me you don’t dance, the rap & R & B music gets your body moving

I could imagine what you would be doing, moving your head & shoulders, you move so smooth

I walked up to the backdoor, as I looked outside your back was to me, your hips were shaking in the way only you can move

I knew if you turned around you might stop, knowing I was watching you dance about

You are so aware of what you see as faults, you are of the belief your body is not a womans body, not curvy in the way you would like

As I watch I am all to aware of how much of a woman you are, your hips, your legs, your tiny waist, the way there is no mistaking from looking at you, you are all woman.

The music changed, a slower song, you put your arms up & moved like a wave

I started to walk towards you, you heard my steps, you turned & kept moving, slowly walking towards me

You gently took my hand, you know me so well, I love to dance, but only my myself, I am so aware of others perception of me

You changed the song, a slower love song, you took my arms & wrapped them around your waist, you had to reach up to put yours around my neck

You pulled me close, & laid your head on my chest, you closed your eyes, we started to moving, swaying to the music in our own world
I felt you relax as we moved, you let out the sigh of contentment, a sound you are still getting used to

You know I love you, for you, this is not something you are used to, many have seen the wrapping & tried to change you, make you theirs, to own you, too show you off

I see what’s within you, I appreciate the outside, the inside completes it all

As we dance I feel loved, I can feel your love, you pour it into me, I can feel the way you appreciate me.

I can feel the way you are grateful we found each other, for both of us, it was unexpected, it was reprieve we both needed to smile again

If anyone was watching, they would see a couple, slowly dancing, they would not know the emotion that passes through from one to another

I have often said to you, when you just appreciate the moment, slow it down, you are suddenly so much more aware of every emotion that passes from me to you

It’s like I dance to me, the emotions slowly work their way around my heart, & into yours

It is the most beautiful dance of all, it is not one you can see

The most powerful things you can not see, you feel with such strength

It fills you up, gives you the strength you need to believe in yourself, to know you are loved, you are not alone.

Birthday today – hide away.

I have often said my birthday is cursed, there is always emotional drama or sickness, this happens every year without fail.

My mum does debate this, as I have had happy birthdays as a child. This is true, as I got older things changed.

It really started on my 21st when I walked in on my partner cheating with my ex. I am sure you can all imagine how I felt in the middle of the party, I have not done the speeches, I am witnessing betrayal of my heart.

From then on, every birthday things have been fairly dark in my birthday. This year I worked hard to change my frame of mind, I wanted a good birthday.

As if on queue, four days before my birthday, I am verbally abused in my driveway by someone I love & respect, someone I thought was there for me. I was angry, confused, bewildered to say the least.

The worst thing, our daughter paused her show so she could hear everything. Once I have started to process, I feel completely abandoned, betrayed, used, worthless. This is not ok.

Then of course the night before my birthday I have an argument with my girlfriend. We are both so stubborn. And yes we are all good.

So, it’s now midday on my birthday & I want to hide. It’s my first birthday without my father, the grieving is still strong.

My beautiful girlfriend has absolutely saved the day, not only by being there, but making sure I feel loved. How I got so lucky I don’t know. Our daughter has been full of compliments.

Maybe next year can be a good one?