Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

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Swagger.

She walked into the kitchen, putting extra swing in her swagger

Her long hair down, her singlet loose, bra had gone

She made sure her woman noticed, standing on the side she knew everything was on display

She put her hands up in her hair, leant her head back

Pushing her chest forward, she heard the intake of air

Her partner she knew was watching, enjoying this show

As uncomfortable as she was with her body, she knew her partner loved every inch

Her self esteem so much higher, just knowing she was loved for her

No request to change, no criticism of her little quirks

She would never have put herself on display like this before

Now, she could see the lust & love in her partner’s eyes

She turned, swaggered off to the bedroom, throwing her singlet as she went

She knew her partner would come, they both loved & appreciated each other

She knew her partner couldn’t resist her, she couldn’t resist her partner.

End result – questionable.

I wrote recently that I was learning to write rap, the short film has been completed, I was then challenged to write a rap based on the top 20 in the radio charts. I can’t remember the last time I listened to the radio! So here is my rap, first one I wrote for the movie, the second a radio rap!

The old soul thief, was gearing to slither

Nearing her prey, she gave her rattle a quiver

Innocent prey turned about, blind she was the giver

With a whisp of words, Rita ghosted to dust, heading for the liver

Sweet young soul, turned to a sinner

Quickly becoming the killer

Daddy is dead, she struts into the night, to be a man killer

Rita at the helm, she controlled her new thriller

Ready to raise a new ladykiller

She slithered her way around many towns she had to fulfil her

No thoughts of innocence left, she slithered back to be a fool killer

The vessel she had was a show killer

Heads turned, men whistled at her sinner

In the woods they found the fools

Within a beat of a heart, she stole his heart, leaving him to drool

He pined for his love, she finally came, to take him to sinner grad school

She took him all, betrayed his love, leaving him with no inner tools

Wade was left with nothing, just a empty whirlpool

Rita thought she had fooled them all, but Abigail was no dam fool

She woke up inside, just as Rita was going to end the duel

Yelled up to the heavens, Rita was left to slither away, just another fool.

Radio rap:

It’s the weekend, time to get the freak on, geeks!! Yeah!

Do ya all have ya wine in the sinks, Ready to down that liquid, ready to clink, Tonight is the night to, OVERDRINK!! I know You all ready, to get out your kink

Oh fellas, better watch your Humperdinck, dink, dink. Get out those drinks, let’s clink, Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Oh ladies, are you ready for us to interlink

You know we will slink to you, we gonna sync

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Take off all those coats & minks, I wanna see those arses go low & dink, So come on, I know you a good girl fairy, but please, can we see Tink? Come on give us a wink!!

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Oh ladies, are you ready for us to interlink You know we will slink to you, we gonna sync

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

So come on, I know you a good girl fairy, but please, can we see Tink? Come on give us a wink!!

Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Perfection.

I watch you struggle with yourself, always believing you are not enough

Thinking you are not beautiful, picking apart every negative you see

You criticise every part of you, your legs are always the most hated part of you

You call yourself plain, you tell yourself you are not intelligent

I know none of this is true, I know that you are far more then you see

I see the beauty in your face, a timeless, classical beauty with long blonde hair

I see your sparkling blue eyes, they are often filled with humour & love

I see your perfect legs, they are long, they are so smooth & shapley

Your mind is the most attractive part, quick witted, intelligent & full of questions

Your spirit shines from within, caring, loving & giving

The personality that you possess is quirky & brilliant, never failing to surprise me

To me there is too much to say, it’s easier to say you are perfection.