Is it selfish to put yourself first?

I have this issue, I find it almost impossible to put myself first, I will always put my daughter, partner, wife & mother ahead of myself, if not friends as well.

If I do put myself first I feel selfish, my mind goes into guilt mode. Berating myself, if I really love them surley I should put them first. Is this from upbringing or are some of us more prone to put others first.

In today’s society there is a lot of encouragement to put yourself first, to make sure you can be the best you can be. The thing is for me, it seems that you should be at your best for others.

So in my mind it is irrelevant if I put myself first or not, as others should still come before me.

However, one big issue, eventually I get worn out, my mental health deteriorates, I start to get depressed. Then my mind goes into full 24 hour overthinking.

So, is it selfish? No, this is something I am working on. There is no use me putting others first if in the end I fall down. I would be useless to not just myself, but as a mother, partner, wife , daughter & friend. One thing I detest is feeling useless.

As many of you will relate, as a working mother, I seem to constantly run out of time. I have started to have more me time, I also want to model this for my daughter. As she gets older I want her to be able to give herself permission to put herself first.

I am only at the start of this journey, so if anyone has any tips or tricks they would like to share, I am all ears!!

Thank you for visiting & reading. Don’t forget to follow!

Ell.

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Crestfallen.

Her scars are so well hidden, tied up with a ribbon

They have pushed her to be driven, easy street never a given

She looks at them often, to remind her of what can not be forgotten

Her childhood forsaken, the reality was disillusion, her fate unchosen

She is the very definition of a self made woman thriven

Her scars won’t stop her succession, those in her way are stricken with affliction

She knows how it feels to be a trophy decoration, there for a presentation

Now she loves her chosen, trophy hunters are left crestfallen

Strong, filled with intelligence & passion, her path forward unknown

She will walk it unshaken, knowing she is not forsaken

Untying her ribbon, scars no longer hidden

The path will widen, striden forward together, sun shinin.

Intense Ambiguity.

I refuse to bend myself to suit social expectations, this I will do no more

I have tied myself in knots to appear as a shadow of myself

I am tired of hiding within, of holding the best part of me back

I am a intense ambiguity, I am unique in every way

I will not hide my scars of trauma, not for your comfort

I will not keep my emotions hidden, feel free to look away

Proudly I walk beside my girlfriend, she rescued me from despair

I will talk about my wife, locked inside her mind, surrounded by a injured brain

It’s easier for you to forget, it’s the reality of my life

It’s time for me to stop appeasing others, start working on me

Our daughter needs to see that being unique & scared is nothing to hide

Now is my time, please the door is to your left if you would like to leave.

Comfy at home.

I don’t know about you, but I am over hearing people complain about COVID! The way our lives have been restricted, changed, challenged in every way. For those not in Australia, Melbourne since March 2020 we have spent 260 days in lockdown. Often separated from family that live 30kms away for months. yes it is hard.

I know this was all necessary, I know that the government saved many lives by doing this. I know that our healthcare has been able to manage because of these restrictions. That now have finished if you are fully vaccinated, which I am, so is my partner.

Any plans we had, canceled!! My partner works in healthcare, & luck would have it, restrictions are lifted & her workplace has an outbreak. Nearly all the residents & staff are vaccinated, those infected are showing no symptoms due to the vaccine. Those who medically can not be vaccinated are struggling.

When I was first told COVID is more contagious then a cold I could not imagine it. I can now, it flies around, literally it spreads like wildfire. The way it has spread so quickly is astonishing, on day three there were 7 positive, day four 19 positive. I know many who really like me could not fathom something spreading so fast.

So now, we are in somewhat of a lockdown, partner goes to work & home, no where else. I limit where I go, our daughter to school, grandparents & home. We are still locked up in our comfy house. Together, as a family supporting each other.

We are lucky, we are safe. Our daughter is not old enough to be vaccinated, so we are careful, antibacterial wipes & masks on hand always. Lockdown is not so bad, being healthy, happy & together. I will take that any day over sickness. Once this outbreak is over, we can go out more. We can rejoin society. For the moment I know I am blessed.

End result – questionable.

I wrote recently that I was learning to write rap, the short film has been completed, I was then challenged to write a rap based on the top 20 in the radio charts. I can’t remember the last time I listened to the radio! So here is my rap, first one I wrote for the movie, the second a radio rap!

The old soul thief, was gearing to slither

Nearing her prey, she gave her rattle a quiver

Innocent prey turned about, blind she was the giver

With a whisp of words, Rita ghosted to dust, heading for the liver

Sweet young soul, turned to a sinner

Quickly becoming the killer

Daddy is dead, she struts into the night, to be a man killer

Rita at the helm, she controlled her new thriller

Ready to raise a new ladykiller

She slithered her way around many towns she had to fulfil her

No thoughts of innocence left, she slithered back to be a fool killer

The vessel she had was a show killer

Heads turned, men whistled at her sinner

In the woods they found the fools

Within a beat of a heart, she stole his heart, leaving him to drool

He pined for his love, she finally came, to take him to sinner grad school

She took him all, betrayed his love, leaving him with no inner tools

Wade was left with nothing, just a empty whirlpool

Rita thought she had fooled them all, but Abigail was no dam fool

She woke up inside, just as Rita was going to end the duel

Yelled up to the heavens, Rita was left to slither away, just another fool.

Radio rap:

It’s the weekend, time to get the freak on, geeks!! Yeah!

Do ya all have ya wine in the sinks, Ready to down that liquid, ready to clink, Tonight is the night to, OVERDRINK!! I know You all ready, to get out your kink

Oh fellas, better watch your Humperdinck, dink, dink. Get out those drinks, let’s clink, Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Oh ladies, are you ready for us to interlink

You know we will slink to you, we gonna sync

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Take off all those coats & minks, I wanna see those arses go low & dink, So come on, I know you a good girl fairy, but please, can we see Tink? Come on give us a wink!!

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

Oh ladies, are you ready for us to interlink You know we will slink to you, we gonna sync

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

Get out those drinks, let’s clink

You don’t need no damm shrink! Just get your head, in the wine sink

So come on, I know you a good girl fairy, but please, can we see Tink? Come on give us a wink!!

Transparent.

In today’s world people like to judge you & put you in a box, as quickly as possible, it makes them more comfortable & they like to think they have figured you ok.

Me, I do not do this. How can I? If I were to describe my life quickly it would be: mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, employee, writer, friend & carer. Most people presume I am polyamorous, & they make no secret of their judgement.

I do laugh at this, no I say, my wife has an acquired brain injury, they are always taken aback, & can not apologise enough. I tell them their is no need to apologise for thinking I am poly, but there is for judging me, for basically saying you think my lifestyle is wrong.

What right do others have to judge? To make others feel like they have to hide things because they hate the reactions. No one has the right to judge, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed.

I try to be open & honest, I try to be transparent, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yes I am a lesbian, yes we have a daughter, yes she has three Mums. Does she care? No she feels lucky, she has two active mums & one living in care. Is she embarrassed? Not at all, her life is complicated, but she doesn’t see it that way.

I know I am incredibly lucky to have accidentally found someone who not only understands my situation, but is supportive of my emotional relationship with my wife. My wife is happy that I & our daughter have found some happiness again. We are one big family.

Never feel like you have to hide, if you are ashamed, why are you? If society makes you feel that way, then find your tribe.

Tolerance.

You know what I really dislike & struggle with on a daily basis? It’s the pressure from society to be a certain way, to look the way they want you too.

Now I am a woman of size, there is more of me to love. I have tried over the years many different ways to change this, the issue is my metabolism is so slow, no matter what I do, including exercising like crazy.

I have tried diets, shakes, cutting out many foods, nothing will work. My doctor finally just said, this is you, you can’t change it.

I was taken aback by this, but she explained it is my genetics, my dad & his dad were the same.

So I have had to try to accept this, now it would be a whole lot easier if I could walk into any store & buy clothes, or even eat something in public without being judged by others.

I have been called names, I have been made fun of, I am 45 & still people say things. I am not playing the victim, but there needs to be understanding that not everyone can be a size society deems acceptable.

It has become far too common for people to judge a stranger, to think they know exactly what that person is like.

This is what I dislike & struggle with. I am who I am, I am trying to learn to be ok with it.

If you see someone calling someone a name because they are bigger, please call it out. That person has a story, do you want to add a positive to that story, or let another negative be added.

I say let’s add more positives. Let’s try to be more understanding of each other, let’s try to not jump to conclusions.