I have been absent for awhile, my life just seemed to speed out of control, I was not in the drivers seat, I was watching, nervous, full of anxiety, biting my nails, tears constantly flowing & no ability to grab the wheel again.
That’s how my I was recently, it’s been building up for the last 12 months, I thought I was just feeling a bit down.
I was wrong, just over 3 months ago I feel into the deepest depths of depression I have ever experienced.
I have been through a lot in my 46 years. Trauma marks my past with neon colours.
Then to top it off my girlfriend breaks up with me. I love this woman, we had a future, we have a family. I finally found happiness again, started to accept me before the depression hit.
How do you get past severe depression with a broken heart. I had no idea how, honestly I still don’t. The depression is lapping at my ankles as if it is the ocean.
My heart, not even starting to heal, how do you stop loving someone, someone you wanted to marry & still do.
The thing is, something awful happened to her, something that changes you. I understand why she needed time, however I don’t know why anyone would push away someone who loves them when they need support.
So here I am now, back to working & putting on a brave face. I try to hide the tears that come every night.
The future, I can’t get my head around. I can’t see a future without her in it, it won’t come to my mind, it just hurts too much.